just need to vent

**desiderata** · 22-12-2013, 03:42 PM

I dont know what people are even going to think about me posting this but just need to get this out of my system . Some of you know I got divorced this time last year. Well a few months ago I met a man I like and we have been out together for a few drinks etc. couple of weekends away and really enjoyed ourselves. He doesnt want a serious relationship as he was really hurt when his ex left him for someone else. He has been really good to me at times when I have really needed .Well he has some friends that were friends of his ex before they met and have been around since then through his marriage and divorce etc. well she doesnt like me being around and has made comments when he hasnt been in the room etc. it has caused arguments occasionally. He says hes only friends with her because of her husband but when I was there one weekend he said he had to cancel somehting for Sunday and then on Sunday morning when his phone rang he answered it and said he would be there at 2. I was what . He was going to theirs for lunch and said he didnt like to say no now she had got the meat out. So I had to come home..... he later apologised and agreed he was wrong. Then for his birthday we ended up having another row because she was organsiing everything so he told me he would do it and to leave him to it... roll on his birthday I turned up and she had done most of it and glowed around all night reaping in the praise, so i went home........... again an apology and a comment of she just takes over shes the same everywhere. !! well things have been going ok since we have been having a great time...Then a month ago I asked what was happening Christmas and New year and he said he didnt know............ I took his present over the other day and we had a great weekend then he said he had ordered my present and it hadnt come yet/ anyway I said well when it comes well open them together. I have been out quite a few times lately with other friends for christmas . and last Friday he went out with his. fine... then he rang me and was drunk,, and got upset cos his mum has got cancer and this is the second time . so I think we know the outcome.. he was crying and really sad but it was 1.30 in the morning so I didnt go over but talked to him for a long time.. Then the next night he text me joking about the card I had sent him.............. eerrr I havent , i gave you mine.. n the one from Moonpig you sent.... ( i did send 2 from moonpig previously for birthday and something.) anyway I said its not from me and he joked and we spoke for an hour or so about this card and he wouldnt beleive it wasnt from me... Well later I thought about it and I think its his friends wife whos sent it to wind me up and cause an argument again........ so I told him this................. at first he still wouldnt beleive it wasnt me.......... but eventually I think he has realised it isnt. Well then we got talking and he said his brother Iwho is gay) is coming over for Xmas as usual with a girl who is just a friend. (They were at the birthday party) anyway then I said Oh when can I see you then .. he said I dont know ... I havent made any plans yet..... then I asked again about new year. and he said I might go back to Am..... with my brother.. (he did that last year) so I asked if I could go.............. again I got I will ask .. fair comment its his brothers house but I said well if he can have his friend at your house surely you can have your friend at his............. anyway he then rang me last night to confess that the night he was drunk he opened his Christmas presents well I wasnt happy about it but couldnt do anything about it. but I had taken a lot of time and trouble to get presents for him and wanted to be there when he opened them. anyway too late .. but then he said but your present has arrived now so I will bring it over.. So this morning I was waiting excitedly for him to come . ................................ waiting and waiting. then finally at 12.45 he arrived. He came in and asked my son how long it took to get to the airport from here 45 minutes... Oh god Im going to be late...... he should have been picking up his brother at 1.15

I said Oh I thought I was gonna see ya for a bit .. ... Sorry I didnt get up till 10 I have put your present under the tree. I asked again about this week and next and he got shirty ..............

I think i just realised this is a complete waste of my time and feelings.................... no need to comment really just feeling that as I have now got two weeks off that I wasnt expecting and my kids are older they will be out all the time its gonna be one fed up xmas and new year...................

**cathtee** · 22-12-2013, 04:06 PM

Oh Honey, I don't know what to say really, just wanted to let you know that I'm sending you hugs

**Mouse** · 22-12-2013, 04:09 PM

How horrible for you. It does sound as if his treatment of you is a bit shabby.

Do you have friends you can visit over christmas & new year? Can you make plans for yourself, without involving him?

**caz3007** · 22-12-2013, 04:13 PM

Oh hun, it sounds like he is messing you around. I really think you both need to sit down and talk about the future and what you both expect from each other then you both know where you stand. I had a fella in my life very similar when I first split from my hubby of 17 years and to be honest he screwed me up cos I was vulnerable and he was messing me around.

After that I met my husband now and I haven't looked back. Think hard about what you really want from this relationship and how you want things to be and then discuss with him and work out some middle ground.

Good luck xxxx

**munch149** · 22-12-2013, 04:19 PM

He said he didn't want a serious relationship and whilst he is treating you like crap you were aware if the no commitment. Women get far to involved and I don't think this type of relationship ever works and the longer it goes on the more you will get hurt. So I would either want a commitment or go my seperate ways.

Some women like this sort of relationship tho so at the end of the day it's all about what you want from it

**desiderata** · 22-12-2013, 04:58 PM

thanks for your comments unfortunately i do have some friends but they dont live around here and the ones that do are married and for some reason since I have been divorced dont want to know. .... yeah I know I put myself in the situation and now I shouldnt moan.

**Kiddleywinks** · 22-12-2013, 06:47 PM

I don't think it's that you put yourself in this position so shouldn't moan about it now, you have every right to feel aggrieved, however, and I don't say this lightly, I do think both your expectations of each other are different, and so some clarity is needed.

Personally speaking, I've found that people that say from the off they 'don't want anything serious' generally means they actually want the other person 'on call' as and when they have a gap in their diary, an event they want to attend but not on their own - a friend with benefits type relationship, so not one that involves doing things jointly as a 'couple' or long term planning (long term being beyond the next 24 hours)

If you are looking more for a relationship, than a friend with benefits, then this probably isn't for you.
If its a case of you not making your own plans in case he calls, then I think you're going to be disappointed so get your glad rags on, grab a relative or a friend, and do something - grab lunch, go for a meal/drink, start a class on something you've always wanted to do - ballroom dancing, learning a language, pottery, anything that gets you away from a phone ;-)

**Tulip** · 22-12-2013, 11:09 PM

Sorry to hear you are having a rubbish time at the mo and it's not what you had planned for your christmas
I think maybe you have made your mind up and so now you need to take stock, pick yourself up and dust yourself down
It might be a bit late to make other arrangements for christmas now so I would say have yourself some 'me' time, spoil yourself rotten, treat yourself to whatever you fancy, have a soak in the bath, a glass of wine, chocs and your fav tv programme whatever you want. Some times it helps me to have a damm good clean through if I'm cross and wow thats when I really get stuck in!
You are worth so much more, onwards and upwards and best wishes for a fab 2014 x

**The Juggler** · 22-12-2013, 11:12 PM

oh honey. so sorry you are having a rubbish time. big xmas hugs xx

**loocyloo** · 22-12-2013, 11:19 PM

no advice, but a great big hug

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

**blue bear** · 22-12-2013, 11:39 PM

Big hugs for you. Not a good time of year to be dealing with this.

**wendywu** · 23-12-2013, 12:04 AM

Now you know why his ex wife left him !
One of the good things about not being married is that when you are being treated like rubbish you can get up and walk away. You deserve better than this so onwards and upwards. Chin up x

**amylouise867** · 23-12-2013, 12:11 AM

Hey lovely I have just read your post.

I obviously don't know you or your situation and your post is a small glimpse at a very big picture.

To me I get the impression that you do both really like each other but maybe you're moving at a much faster pace than he is.

Try taking a step back. Really hold off from being the one who asks if you can do this or be there and wait until he asks you. That way you will get the reassurance that he really wants you there and he isn't just agreeing to keep the peace and keep you happy. Abit of him chasing will do you both good and will only make him like you more if he has to work for it too.

I think sometimes we (women) can be abit full on as we like to plan ahead, be organized and know what's going on where men are much more laid back.

Although as a woman I know you have best interests at heart and you just want to see him and be with him but the truth is when were full on men just see it as we're giving them grief. Some shut up and out up, others run.

I really hope you guys sort it out as it's great you have found someone you really like!

As for the loopy lady that loves taking all the credit - let her be for now. The spot light won't be on her much longer if you guys are meant to be.
Instead if getting annoyed and irritated let it amuse you

(easier said than done I know when someone's annoying the t*ts off you).

I wish you both all the very best for the future and wish you a very merry Christmas x

**shortstuff** · 23-12-2013, 06:36 AM

Sorry if I sound harsh but the guy did tell you he didn't want anything serious. This to most men means you are on call, as someone else has mentioned. He might be feeling too needed, which can be a problem to some men.

Try and turn it around and next time he wants to see you have plans already which dont involve him. Even if you dont do anything let him know on that occasion you are unavailable. You will soon see how much he values you as he will be back. Then do that every now and again. Let him know you do have a great full life without him.

**hectors house** · 23-12-2013, 07:37 AM

This isn't Mr Right so keep him as a friend for the time being, someone to go out with for a drink or a meal when YOU want to and keep looking, you deserve much better.

**charlottenash** · 23-12-2013, 08:20 AM

What does his friend think of his wife being so involved with him?!

**hectors house** · 23-12-2013, 09:30 AM

A friend of mine was widowed when her baby was just 6 months old, she is a lovely, friendly attractive lady and was only young when widowed, she went out with lots of men over the years and was desperate to find someone else who wanted to get married and to have other children with, unfortunately she seemed to attract the ones who were just looking for a good time or who were divorced with children already and didn't want to settle down and have more children. (with some very demanding ex wifes).

16 years later she finally find Mr Right unfortunately he has already got grown up kids and her daughter is 16 so I think she has missed out on her dream of more children - but she at least now is happily married to a man who feels as passionate about her as she is about him.

If your chap doesn't want commitment but you do, you probably won't change his mind - my friend tried for years and as soon as she mentioned anything permanent the relationships ended.