Taking out the GrandChildren

[Velleity]

Evening all ^_^

I have two children: boy (7) and girl (4).

During school-breaks my Mother-in-Law takes out my son usually twice a week and goes with my Sister-in-Law usually and her son who is seven too but they never want to take my daughter. I don't go with them as it gives me a much needed break. They take my daughter when they go back to the house but if they go out anywhere ~ bowling, swimming, park, farm etc then they just want to take my son. My MIL said to me, 'I won't take A (daughter) out with us because I have to watch her too much and I can't enjoy myself. It's too much work and I have to watch her all the time'.

She's not badly behaved and wouldn't run off but I do understand she is younger so needs watching more closely but also she is starting now to feel a bit left out and upset when she can't go, even when I offer to do things with her.

Do you think it's fair for them to take out my son but not want to take my daughter?

Should I say anything?

Like I said before I don't really want to go too as ... (sometimes don't get on the best with MIL) heheh

[Melanyweb]

I have a MIL like this. I don't believe in treating the children differently. We're a family we do things together. I didn't think it was very nice or fair to treat the kids differently. So either went with them so they could all go or no one went. Consequently no one went and we don't see much of the in laws now. Their loss, my Mums fab and loves having all her grandkids over.
Do you think your daughter notices she's treated differently? X

[Velleity]

She's beginning to. It's very hard to explain that Nan doesn't want her to go along too because she detracts from the enjoyment of Nan's day from having to keep a closer eye on her

[Twinkling Stars]

I would say either take both or none. Especially because she has noticed she is not invited. It doesnt seem fair. X

[Daisy De]

Now she is noticing, it really ought to be both or none, going to cause problems in the future I think

[sing-low]

Oh dear, that's hard. My parents in law take my two older kids away during the holidays but not my youngest. There's a big age gap and she's still a toddler so much harder work so I don't mind. They do fab fun stuff with the big kids that we couldn't do as a family with the youngest. But I can see a time will come when she'll want to go and that may be before they're ready to take her (plus having three instead of two is a bigger ask).

When did your MIL start taking your son out? Did it start at a certain age? Maybe you could suggest to your MIL (and explain to your daughter) that it's a special treat for when you are old enough. Or could you suggest a 'safe' trip - would your daughter sit through a film? You could go with them and pick them up at the end. My parents take my big kids on separate outings doing different things. I think it's fab for them to have time just themselves being spoilt by grand-parents. Guess, I'm pretty fortunate with the grand-parents!

[blue bear]

What age did she start taking your son out and when does she propose your daughter can join them?

I'm a bit split on my thoughts on this one to be honest, a bit of me thinks thinks no that's not fair both or none, its not fair one child gets all the treats and the other gets none but the other bit of me thinks it's good for children to have to wait until they are old enough to do things and it's also good for older children to have treats without siblings.


If mil goes out twice a week can one time be your son and one time be your daughters turn to make it fairer but not too much for mother in law, the second trip could be a shorter more simple trip so daughter doesn't wear mil out.

[clareelizabeth1]

It's a hard one as if you tell mil that she has to take both and she takes none ds could resent dd. on the other hand it's not fair on dd to never go out.

Could you suggest she goes on one trip a fortnight even if its just out for an ice cream then back to mil to play.

I don't think you should get hung up on them being treated equally as they are different ages so to some extent should be doing different things. It's also a really good idea to have time away from siblings.

My niece often stays with me go have a break from her little sister who is a little mare (lovely but definitely a mare). It means she gets a good night sleep and isnt having to share attention. Her little sister doesn't mind. Although I'm sure when she is older i will have her sometimes too. Still only one at a time due to house size.

I had three siblings and we were all given different treats and we never resented the others as we all had different likes.

[Bumble Beez]

I'm really lucky...my mum and dad always take our boys out (10, 8, and 4) and they never leave one out...unless they're poorly or are busy doing something else!
I do feel that trips out with grandparents should be all together, unless its something that your dd can't go to.
Maybe talk it through all together and try to come up with a solution...

Sarah x

[munch149]

Out of order. I would so say both or none. I had real issues about favouritism as a child and its something you never really get over (this was my mum not nan but still) its ok when they are tiny and don't notice but If she now realises you need to talk to mil. If oh has brothers and sisters you should ask if any of them ever felt singled out. It's quite possible. I wouldn't stand for my mum treating my children like this because I know what it did to me. I no you shouldn't have to go with them all the time if she wants to take out her grandchildren she should take both. Or I could even understand it if say one week she took one to somewhere and then the next week the other as some things are better suited to different ages or genders.

Sorry to get annoyed but this is a big issue for me.

[scottishlass]

I think both or none too - had this a couple of tines recently with my sister trying to take out my 11 year old and leave my 7 year old. Both girls and like the same things and a couple of times now my youngest has been very upset so have put my foot down. Most recently was my sister trying to take my eldest to see Jessie j - my wee one was distraught so I just said no not happening so now they are both going and I am going too!

Obviously my youngest is a little bit more work and can be a cheeky monkey but my oldest is not the angel my sister makes her out to be!!

[Supernanny86]

I think it's bang out of order. I'd put my foot down with this one. Your poor girl is realising what's going on and that's not fair!! It's not as if there's a huge age gap so they'd still be at an age where they can enjoy the same things together!! Tell her both or neither of them!!

[Koala]

Its hard to say but I don't think you should stop your eldest being taken out by his grandparents, I feel you could be robbing him of a very good relationship that is just for him without his sibling tagging along.

It gives him an opportunity to be more of an individual. children don't come in packages 2 for 1, sorry to sound crass but it doesn't sound like your in laws are being mean, just realizing their capability and they are being honest telling you, otherwise they may just not bother at all -like mine.

Be positive with your little one and use the time you have together as special, tell her the truth - because she is too young for grandparents as they are getting old. Keep it simple and matter of fact, don't over compensate.

Sometimes it does children good to not get what they want and it can also be healthy for siblings not to get the same. Honestly I think it is harder for adults to deal with. Children if given the support just go with the flow.

Good luck in what ever you decide But be careful.

[shortstuff]

could you suggest to the grandparents that they take your dd out just one of those days a month either with ds or on her own?

that might give you all the best of all worlds, they could form as good a bond with their granddaughter as they have with their grandson. Also you would get one to one time with both children. All round a winner?

If they are worried how they will cope maybe they could just stay and play at yours one afternoon and be in charge of the two of them?

I was the one who always got left behind as i was the only girl with two brothers. It hasnt affected the bond I have with my gran, in fact we have such an amazing relationship she lived with me for a year before moving in to a home at the age of 95. But as a child i always felt like there was something wrong with me.