Speedy advice please about my bff

[smurfette]

Hi


Am in a bit of a pickle and looking for some help to know how to handle it. Three of us hung around together from age 12 at school, they are both godparents of my youngest dd who is now 7.

I have got very upset with both of them this last couple of months but seem to be banging my hard against a brick wall so have distanced myself to protect me and mine

The first girl I haven't been very close to in recent years mainly because she doesn't bother to maintain contact and I was Doing all the running however dds bday was in October and she hasn't yet had a birthday or Christmas present and despite me twice asking her to call in cos dd has a Christmas present for her we are still waiting! She only lives ten minutes up road and isn't working

The second one is really my BFF we have been through a lot together, and were very close , my dad died of cancer 5 years ago and her dh died
Suddenly two years after that and we really supported each other through this. But we have drifted apart as she has met this new guy and while I am happy she is happy he is no good for her, she is leading a wild lifestyle (he is a Dj) and I think taking drugs and all she talks about is going clubbing, and she has two houses that she bought with her dh which are standing empty because she won't get them sorted and rented, although she has no money. I just think if he was good for her he would inspire and encourage her to get her life sorted. They are together a year

Anyhoo you know I posted here a while ago about my mum getting married again and I was finding it hard to get my head around, he is a lovely man but he is not my dad (neither is he trying to be!) but it's a strange new dynamic and we are only used to my dad not being around. I am thrilled for my mum though as she is happy and was lonely, I told BFF all this and all she said was its great she has someone.. She didnt try to see where I was coming from although we talked about it more than once so she knew I was struggling with it. The day of the wedding we went on to a mutual friends party and she said she couldn't be bothered to go . Fair enough but by the end of that day I really needed a drink and would have loved to have talked to her about how it went (it was a lovely day but difficult too one of my dds cried in the Service cos she missed her grandad and this nearly set me off too) and although that was six weeks ago she hasn't been in touch to ask how it was / is going

Anyways yesterday I got a text from her asking to meet me and the other girl over weekend as she has some scandalous gossip that can't wait .. I can't imagine who else it is about so I am guessing she is pregnant or getting married .. I haven't replied and have ignored several other texts in last few weeks re random things because I am Cross but she hasn't picked up on that or ignored it. I would like to tell her I am fed up of her not bothering with me but I have had that put with her in the past and it hasn't made any difference so I had decided that I just need to drop it but now this! Don't know what to do. ..

[smurfette]

Just wanted to add I don't want to lose friendship altogether and would like to be involved in whatever is going on for her but don't feel I can not say I am upset

[Becci26]

Oh Hun, I hate it when these things happen,

I am not very good with advice so hopefully somebody much better at wording things will come along shortly...

If you are meeting her this weekend with the other friend I would go and meet her, and hear what news she has, if she is pregnant/ engaged she will be very excited and wanting to share with you, go along, share in the excitement and try not to dwell on the other issues during this meeting.

I would then perhaps arrange to meet again just the 2 of you so you can talk things through and tell her how you feel. It may be that as she has been so wrapped in her new relationship she hasn't stopped to think what is happening with you at the moment and needs this explained...?

Hugs to you, I know how horrible these situations can make us feel x

[blue bear]

If you don't feel up to meeting the both of them for an all about her gossip, text and say you are busy but could she pop round later as you would love to share her news, maybe then yu could have a bit of a chat regarding how you are feeling too.
To be honest it sounds like she has a lot on her plate at the moment with the boyfriend from hell, so whilst not nice it's understandable she doesn't have your feelings on her radar just now.

[QualityCare]

I would go along and enjoy the get together, l think some people as they get older become more wrapped up in themselves and their life and forget about the closeness they had with best friends but when they have news of their own want to share it with those people, when you told her about your mums new partner she was happy for her, listened to our concerns and probably can't see why you are still finding it difficult, my dad died young and my mum never had another partner but if she had l would probably feel the same as you.She still looks on you as a best friend or she wouldn't be texting you, as for the other friend l would drop the present off saying its from x and sorry to have missed you at christmas and leave it at that, maintain some contact through texting, letting her know about your little one and what you are doing and see how it goes, l would still send a christmas present from your daughter but not expect anything back we have no contact with one of my sons Godmothers he sends a card and present at chiristmas but never receives anything back but l wouldn't give her the satisfaction of not sending anything.

[smurfette]

**** I have handled it all wrong text her and said I wanted to meet her but I was upset and why and she has text back and said she is pregnant .. ****** that's not how I wanted to find out or how she wanted to tell me .. She had a rant and said she is not physic and I could have picked up the phone .. **** **** ****

[Becci26]

Ok so now you need to talk things through, and clear the air, u will both feel better once u have that

[Chatterbox Childcare]

Well at least this is communication

Why not call her and arrange to meet? Clear the air and start afresh

[smurfette]

Well I rang her and she was in work so we have arranged to meet this evening but now I have had another text from her saying the other friend is coming too.. So now I won't be able to talk to her about it which is probably what she wants. Her initial text response to mine was very defensive and along the lines of 'if I don't know how can I sort it i am not psychic' which is fair enough but no apology for upsetting me and then in the middle of that text the news about the baby ., which again I think suits her to not sort it. Knocking my head against Brick wall I think and I don't see how I can pretend all is fine with her and the other friend this evening., I am so upset (and hormonal which isn't helping)

[Bridey]

I think you are somewhat upsetting yourself over all of this, rather than your friend deliberately upsetting you and needing to apologise for it. It may be time to take a deep breath in and a long breath out, letting the bad stuff go. Then meet up with them to celebrate the good news of her pregnancy.

[smurfette]

I think you are somewhat upsetting yourself over all of this, rather than your friend deliberately upsetting you and needing to apologise for it. It may be time to take a deep breath in and a long breath out, letting the bad stuff go. Then meet up with them to celebrate the good news of her pregnancy.

Thanks Bridey that's no help, it's real because I feel it

[merry]

I agree with Bridey, although you have every right to feel aggrieved, if you carry on feeling like you must have an apology, and she feels that she's done nothing to apologise for, you're heading for a major falling out that your friendship might never recover from. Perhaps she senses how much you disapprove of her current lifestyle and that's why she's been avoiding you, or else she's just been busy with everything, the pregnancy might have been a shock she needed time to come to terms with. In inviting the other friend along she probably is trying to avoid an unpleasant confrontation, she's in the early stages of pregnancy and might not feel up to it. Why not just see how it goes when you meet up, or if you feel you really can't see her without getting into a confrontation which wouldn't be any good for either of you, then just cancel, try to rearrange for another time. I know it's a cliche but life really is too short for holding on to grudges.

[smurfette]

I agree with Bridey, although you have every right to feel aggrieved, if you carry on feeling like you must have an apology, and she feels that she's done nothing to apologise for, you're heading for a major falling out that your friendship might never recover from. Perhaps she senses how much you disapprove of her current lifestyle and that's why she's been avoiding you, or else she's just been busy with everything, the pregnancy might have been a shock she needed time to come to terms with. In inviting the other friend along she probably is trying to avoid an unpleasant confrontation, she's in the early stages of pregnancy and might not feel up to it. Why not just see how it goes when you meet up, or if you feel you really can't see her without getting into a confrontation which wouldn't be any good for either of you, then just cancel, try to rearrange for another time. I know it's a cliche but life really is too short for holding on to grudges.

What I am trying to get across is that this is an ongoing problem and has been for 18 months and that this is something I am struggling with because we have been to hell and back together... It is not new in the last few weeks that is just the straw that broke the camels back

[The Juggler]

What I am trying to get across is that this is an ongoing problem and has been for 18 months and that this is something I am struggling with because we have been to hell and back together... It is not new in the last few weeks that is just the straw that broke the camels back

hon, i will only say what I would do if it were me.

I'd have it out with both of them (either together or individually). I can't bear not to know why things change/why people behave differently, or not to let people know that they have upset me. Then depending on the response, I'd walk away or try to pick things up.

I had a similar situation a few years back. I had it out. I tried then to remain friendly with the person (lord knows why ) it just wasn't the same - she had hurt me too much.

I am polite and friendly enough on the surface but we used to know everything about each other - it was never going to be like that again. I had to grieve the friendship then move on. I made new and better friends despite how much of my life I shared with the ex-friend.

Only you can decide if either one or both of them is worth the effort to keep trying and you will only know that by having a proper heart to heart with both with lots of honestly - then you can make your decision.

[FussyElmo]

Have you thought your friend was never going to see your point over your mum remarrying because she had lost her dh and meet someone new. She can only see it from her perspective and if she is happy she would only see that for your mum.

Maybe subconsciously she was taking it as a criticism especially if she senses you dont actually approve of her new partner.

Yet she still wanted you to hear her most important news.

If you want your friendship to survive go smile wish her every happiness and how much you cannot wait to meet her bundle of joy.

[smurfette]

Have you thought your friend was never going to see your point over your mum remarrying because she had lost her dh and meet someone new. She can only see it from her perspective and if she is happy she would only see that for your mum.

Maybe subconsciously she was taking it as a criticism especially if she senses you dont actually approve of her new partner.

.

Yes I had wondered that fussy!

. Thanks you all you were so good to me yest! It actually went well, Friend 2 got sick so didnt come (which was a lot of my stress so i was relieved) and Bf was out with his friends and as soon as I opened door to her she gave me a sheepish,apology look and a big hug. Think I have seen so little of her lately I lost faith in the friendship but yay it's still there! She is 12 weeks, bf wouldn't let her tell anyone incl family,and of course she would have found out about time of wedding.so I guess other things on her mind. Very excited re baby so we had fun chatting! Feel like a big drama queen now sorry think my hormones were everywhere and I was very overtired have had a rough week with a screamer who finally settled for part of Friday so hope this week will be better.

Thanks juggler I am exactly like you think I will have to have words with friend 2, sorry you had such a negative experience it really is hard sometimes with friendships isn't it?

Bridey apologies to you for giving out to you for straight talking , should have listened!

Am off now to hide head in shame in corner .. Thanks guys xx

[Becci26]

Glad it went well and was prob just what you both needed, glad u are feeling more positive today.

No need to go and hide, we all still love you and have to sound off every now and then :-)

Fingers crossed this week is better with your screamer xx

[FussyElmo]

Glad it went well and Im glad you are still friends

[smurfette]

Glad it went well and Im glad you are still friends

Thanks fussy!