I feel so guiltiy but why!

[mushpea]

about 18months ago I found out my partner owed the csa a lot of money and I'm not talking a few thousand, it all came to ahead when they wrote to me through the land registry laying claim to our house should he not pay the money back so we are now paying £150 a week, then this September we get another letter saying that he has been made bankrupt and if we dont pay £11000 back within a year we will loose the house but each month this amount gathers interest so it has to be paid all in one go luckily my parents bailed us out and we are paying them back , before my parents offered my partner went missing for over 24hrs and put me and the kids through hell, we had the police out and then he sent us suicidal txts, they were at the point of sending out the helicopter to look for him when he eventualy contacted me and agreed to meet, anyway so as you can tell he has put me through a lot of pain and upset this year and previous years, so why do I feel guilty knowing that he has now got a 2nd job and is working non stop, he leaves at 5am to go to his building job and gets home at 5pm has a quick wash and a shave and its out to his driving job for 5.30pm and gets home around 11.30pm, its not every night he's doing it but I feel so bad that he's having to work so hard, part of me hates him and dosent want him here anymore and part of me must still love him as I feel so bad for him.
Sorry folks, guess theres no real point to this post but just needed to let it out

[silvermist]

Oh hunny, I dont blame you for thinking you want him out, its obviously caused you alot of unhappiness. The reason you feel guilty is because you care about him but, he must work in order that you dont loose your home. Its a case of 'you got us into this so you must get us out of it'. I admire you I really do, hang in there hun xxxx

[cathtee]

oh hun you've been through so much , from what you say in the last few lines you say it all, you love him and that's why you feel like you do, I think we all feel
guilty when our other halves work more than we do but he obviously feels that he needs to do it to repay his debt, all you can do is be there and support him. And
we will be here to support you

[SYLVIA]

Oh poor you. Please dont feel bad about it. He is doing the right thing and he probably feels better that he is doing something to put the situation right. At least he has a good, kind person to support him and love him. Stay strong

[lynnfi]

Yes it is so hard.

My advice would be, hang in there for a bit longer. I wouldn't rush anything, except if you feel, strong gut feeling, that you have to part.

Otherwise let some time go by, be careful to keep your balance no matter what, and when you and him are out of the financial ordeal, then decide.

[mrs robbie williams]

wow that as a hell of alot to pay the csa as for feeling guilty its because you love him xx

[k1rstie]

He is very lucky to have you.

Mush, I am just playing devils advocate here :

I personally would worry about the number of hours he is working. My DH works in retail, and usually works 12 hours days, either 5 or 6 days per week. He is in his middle forties - he always looks knackered. With Christmas, he works much longer hours!!

I would worry about the amount of sleep he is getting, as probably up at 4.30 to get ready for work, home at midnight, and being out in a vehicle so late at night.

In the new year, maybe he could cut his evening hours back a bit. If he has an accident due to tiredness, he will never pay his debt off. Maybe your parents will agree to a longer period for the debt to be repaid.

Sorry Mush, if I have upset you, but feel that your post is not just about should you stay with him, not stay with him.

[sarah707]

xx

[VeggieSausage]

Don't worry about his hours, he needs to be doing that to repay what HE owes. Maybe although you love him, you are currently not 'in love' with him due to what he has put you through. It is a terrible thing in a relationship if you feel you can't trust the other person.....so for now I would let him work his socks off and repay as much money he can and also win your respect back......

[Pixie dust]

I hate the CSA with a passion they have no regard for 2nd families. We have had major problems with them, currently we are not paying our mortgage for 3 months as they are demanding £100's all because DH ex decided she wasn't happy and wants more money. The CSA took so long sorting it out he owed a lot in back pay. It's our family that is now suffering I am trying to make it the best Christmas but you know when my step children come they will have had loads of expensive Christmas presents bought with the CSA money. The ex is laughing all the way to the bank. After the review she only got an extra £10 a month anyway. Roll on April when the back pay will be finished.

Sorry to hijack your thread but I totally understand the stress it puts on a family. My DH is working 2 jobs at the moment too.

[gegele]

My ex ex wife put us through hell because we refuse to pay her months of child support in go so she could buy a new kitchen!!!!

my ex use to pay cash via his ma so she could see her grand son, we use to pay his season ticket at football, buy all his uniform, clothes.... ex claim to CSA she never received a penny! she even claim for her 2nd child from her husband!!

and yet it's my ex who had to prove that kid wasn't his! csa took her word for holy bible and he had to try to prove he was innocent!
they charged us £36000!!!!!! how do you pay that kind of amount?? she ended with less money than she use to get from us so she stopped ex from seeing child. CSA was taking £900 a month from us!! we had nothing left it was a ****** joke!
if ex wanted to see kid he had to give her money first!! and sometimes by the time we'll drive up north she would be out or away on week end before we arrive and not see boy...

CSA are a joke!

[funemnx]

Because you are a kind and caring person you worry about your hubby but because you are human it's understandable that you feel resentment at his mistakes too. Please don't beat yourself up about how you feel it's only natural and you should be allowed to be angry! Hubby is doing the right thing by fixing what he did wrong! Only time will tell whether you stay together but Christmas is too strsseful a time to make major decisions - give it some more time, sending virtual hugs ((( )))

My ex never paid for any of our 4 children and I would guess he owes well over £45,000 which I will never see - he hasn't seen any of the boys since we split in 1998 which has it's plusses for me as I was able to get on with my life and make decisions for the boys with no one else to answer to. However, my sons have had no father either which I think sometimes they missed....

[The Juggler]

no advice hon, just sending a hug xx

[AliceK]

Hi
I understand how you feel and also why you are so confused about feeling like that. In August my OH disappeared too, just didn't come home from work. Actually he hadn't been to work that day but I didn't know that. Turned out it was a repeat of something he did when we had first met 7 years ago. He made a very bad choice. I know how it feels when your OH just disappears. I will not forget how that made me feel that night he didn't come home and I couldn't get hold of him and how I felt explaining to the kids why he wasn't home from work to say goodnight to them, how I felt trying to stop their tears whilst trying to stop mine from coming. His family called the police, they called me, they wanted to come out and see me in the middle of the night. When he eventually got in touch he knew what he'd done had made sure that our relationship was over. By doing what he had done he had also lost his job. He managed to get himself a room in a horrible stinky house. We are now 4 mths later trying to make a go of things but I can't have him living here with us. I can't risk him letting us all down again. He has gone back home to live with his mum. He has a new job, it pays the minimum wage and I take 2/3rds off him towards the rent on our house and maintenance for our DD. He works very long hours and takes home half what he used to and then I take most of that. I feel bad about him working all those hours and then after paying me being left with hardly anything for himself. I feel bad that it takes him 2hrs to use public transport to come and see us. I feel bad for the kids that he's not living here with us. My heart says I would have him back here with us but I have to put my responsible mummy head on so my feelings don't count. Maybe one day he can come back, I just don't know. I feel guilty that he doesn't get to see the kids every day and do all the day to day stuff with them because despite his faults he is a kind man and a fantastic dad.
So anyway, I know how you feel and I know it's confusing. Hugs to you ((( )))
xxxx