Advice Needed please :) (not cm related)

**sony123** · 05-12-2012, 03:01 PM

Im spending this x.mas with my new partner as hes moved in with me & my little one who calls him daddy now.

Problem is he has two kids from a previous marriage and his ex arranges for him to have them at his grandparents house where he lived before he moved in here. He doesn't stay their anymore though as hes a family with us so he said he had them boxing day for three days but this year hes with me so we will probably just visit them their for the day.and other two days then come home and they go back to their mums house or stay with the grandparents.

Do i just let him get on with it and go alone to spend time with his other kids or do i go along with my daughter while his family shower his other two kids with gifts in-front of my little one and myself!( saying this i keep my family separate and will not open presants etc in-front of his kids as i know this is wrong)

(I love him very much and dont want to brake up just because he has other children to see. Should i just keep our family life separate and let him spend time with them over their on boxing day and other two days ? or do u think its unreasonable for him to just dump us here now as were supposed to be a family and i get down when he does it!

i need some advice as its getting closer to x.mas and dont want this to be a problem every year ! xx id rather be single if im going to get hurt all the time if u get me xx

**dette** · 05-12-2012, 03:19 PM

its always tricky bringing two families together.i've been there x our first xmas together my now DH had his son for the day at his parents ,made more sense as we lived an hour away and didnt want to trail kids around xmas day.we had morning together with my kids..then they went to their dads for afternoon and we traveled to see his LO together at his parents.We were already expecting our first baby together and made it very clear from the start that if anyone bought presents for kids then it was all of them or not at all.if its a fairly new relationship then people might be waiting to see if you become part of the family.have you met his kids and rest of family yet? if yes and you all get on then they should view you as a family and expect you there ..if not then i dont think its a great time to introduce the new stepmam..next year will be different,try not to feel resentful or it will make your new parntner feel he has to choose and no one should choose a new girlfriend over their kids as i'm sure you would never choose a man over yours .Try and keep busy and it'll fly in .hope this helps xxx

**wendywu** · 05-12-2012, 05:18 PM

So why cannot you have his children and his grand parents down to you. Then plan to do a panto and a spot of luch out on the next day. Maybe the third day you can all go to the grandparents.

Work out a way that you will all be happy, after all you have 3 children to consider now. Thats 3 times more presents, three times more crackers, three times more chocolate and three times more fun.

**Pixie dust** · 05-12-2012, 05:38 PM

How old are his children? Me and my dh have 4 children between us. When we first got together we kept the children separate from our relationship until we knew it was serious and going somewhere. His 2 come to us every other week end, we go on family holidays and spend time together at christmas. You are a family now and his children should be a part of that too! Do they know about you?

**sony123** · 05-12-2012, 08:53 PM

ok spoken to partner again and he says his parents will not come here and havent yet anyhow n weve bn together a year! people normally go to their house and he said they want to spoil their grandchildren at their house as this is where their used to and hes going their boxing day no matter what! shall i just stay out of his kids life it seems the only option for me n my daughter dont want to get hurt and we do our own thing when hes home with us!?

or should i be alone all the time?! i have mixed feeling and its doing my head in urgh! he said when he moved in theyd have to stay here or come here if he was here and now hes saying they wont as thats where their used to but im sure if i spoke to his parents theyd come here i have a feeling its him who doesant want to get them involved in our life over here! what is everyone else thinking?!xx

**Pixie dust** · 05-12-2012, 09:02 PM

After a year you should be building a family life together which includes his children and family too, do you normally spend time with the children? I am just wondering if its a family tradition going to family on boxing day.

To be honest if it was a new relationship I could understand why but after a year no. You haven't said how old the children are does he think they are to young to understand?

**wendywu** · 05-12-2012, 10:51 PM

Dont let him make a drama out of this when there is no need, this is his guilt kicking in as its christmas and he is living with another little one who calls him dad ( maybe he is uneasy at his children hearing your son call him dad )

Be light hearted and say.... ok darling thats fine we will go to your parents then and Im sure all 3 children will love another round of pressies.

Then go out and fill 3 little stockings with fun things ( not expensive) and be prepared to be a bit thick skinned this year an do not get upset at little things. Do not let your OH turn it into the, they are my kids sanrio. You are a woman who loves other peoples children for a living and you sure have room a plenty in your heart for two more.

Just one thing to remind him of, if anything ever happened to his ex ( and dont for one minute assume that tragedies dont occur) who does he think would end up stepping up to the plate to bring up his children. Yes you his partner.

**sony123** · 06-12-2012, 06:58 AM

thankyou for all your comments it helping me to think about things more x children are 7 & 10!roughly!

i was thinking of phoning his mum and saying as he lives here now do they want to come over here for a bit boxing day and his kids will be here arriving with them or we will collect them from their mums. (to c their reaction and if not then just go over their for few hours max 3 then return to our home where i feel comfortable and do our dinner here with his other two kids.) as im not going to let his family ruin things for us if they dont like it then tough as yes im his partner and they just have to deal with that forever

and wel be having more kids together and getting married eventually so this is just the start i am willing to fight as i love him lol!

what do u think should i ring the grandparents?! he seems to think this is a big no no & said that is where they r used to going to so they will not come here! but before he moved in he did say if he was here theyd have to be here and just get used to it but now things r changing im not in control help lol! he does do the these r my kids thing n push us out the way at his parents so i dont want to feel like that either boxing day as its our first family x.mas too its so TRICKY xx

**gegele** · 06-12-2012, 07:59 AM

Honestly I wouldn't do anything this year.

Christmas is an important time of year for families and you can't decide a few weeks before xmas to put a family together.

It looks like you, as you and your partner, haven't really work to build relation with his family yet which is normal as a year it's still a young relationship.

you should follow the normal plan : spend xmas together then he spend 3 days at boxing day with his family.

and in 2013 you should build relation with family, your partner 's children should be visiting every other week end and during holidays so you'll become a family of 5

.

invite his parents during the year. maybe bring the children to them more often so boxing doesn't become that special time of the year where kids are there and they'll build relationship with you and your daughter.

have you thought that maybe the grand parent are protecting themselves? if they get close to your daughter who is calling their son daddy then they have an extra grand child who they may lose again if your relationship doesn't last. it's not just difficult for you, it's difficult for everyone.

just sit this one out and plan the next one as a family

**wendywu** · 06-12-2012, 08:05 AM

Yes i would phone his mum and go down the .......... i need to ask your advice about how to go about christmas ......route, this should get her on side. Most people like to feel that their advice is needed. Let her feel that she can play mother to you if you get my gist.

I know you want to go in fighting and so would i but this year being the first i would play the little woman wanting to get gather her brand new family around her.

Good Luck and keep us updated

**mama2three** · 06-12-2012, 08:19 AM

I think I agree with Gegele on this one. I would absolutely not go behing his back and ring his parents - this is someting you need to work on together , maybe not in time for this christmas but for the future.
Really he should be saying to grandparents that if he is coming over , then so are you and your lo , and that he expects them not to make a difference between the children. I dont know many people who would upset a child deliberatly. And cant you wrap an extra pressie or 2 and stick them in the car boot so if the others are getting gifts and your lo isnt you can use those?
i think the key is sitting with your oh and being honest with each other, he probably thinks it will make his life easier to just go there , keep everyone on side...but youre a family unit now so he needs to acknowledge that. hope it all works out x

**lynnfi** · 06-12-2012, 12:06 PM

Yes I agree with Gegele as well. I think you need to take time to get to know his children and his parents over the next year, and may be plan next Christmas as the new family you will have become.
If you call his parents without his consent I think he might be very resentful. It is preferable to take his views into account and work this through together imo.
I wouldn't do anything. If his children do not see him often, they might want to spend a few days with their dad and catch up as well. 10 and 7 are so very young...

In short I would avoid anything that might lead you to being hurt or hurt someone. Let things go a bit and plan sth special for boxing day with your daughter so that you and her have sth to look forward to

**FussyElmo** · 06-12-2012, 12:23 PM

Does his children come to you now?

**wendywu** · 06-12-2012, 12:54 PM

I would not phone his parents behind his back, only if he ok-ed it.

Have you met his children and his parents ?

**nipper** · 06-12-2012, 01:24 PM

This was me, thirteen years ago (1999). DH had a 2yr old daughter and a six month old son (they are now aged 15 and 13). Believe me, never try to make (or expect) a man to choose between his children and a new partner...there will only ever be one outcome!

We didn't have our own family until 2004 and we had been married a year. I personally would just grin and bear it this year, but don't get drawn into ringing his mother trying to organise everything, that will only go down badly

You can do all the 'happy family' stuff in your own time and in your own home. It is very very hard to 'share' your partner with his children and especially so if you have your own child as well. There has to be a certain amount of lip biting at times because remember as your own relationship develops it will be built on a foundation of trust and acceptance. Plus as children get older they have a new agenda and with that a whole lot of new demands, which will impact heavily on you. Do not get into the habit of resenting them if your new relationship is to flourish.

My DH's two are now teenagers and they are absolutely fabulous, infact I would love them to come and live with us all the time. Our own two children (DS8 and DD5) adore them, fight with them, moan at them, go out shopping with them, all the sort of things a big family of four kids do. I am sure that in time, they will come and live with us...I hope.

You have your ready made family and as you say you would maybe one day like to add to it, just don't go rushing into decisions because they suit you. Take a step back. Why not suggest he invites his two back to your house, go out for a big walk or something like that, let the kids run around and burn off some energy. Sometimes neutral ground is best in situations like this and you never know, you might actually enjoy yourself and forget about stressing about it.

By the way, how are things between you and the ex? My husband reckons I might even get an invite when the eldest one eventually gets married...I'm just wondering where abouts on the top table I will be sitting!

P.S. I remember my now mother-in-law remarking to DH early on in our relationship that she didn't think I was 'strong enough' to cope with sharing him with his children...hmmmm

**sony123** · 06-12-2012, 07:55 PM

thankyou more advice making me thinks lots and lots now lol! brain overloaded lol!

ok my plan to date is -------- to not ring grandparents even though hes ok with this (well i am just to say they can give their grandchildren their presents of them in the morning they are their so they dont shower them with gifts infront of our little one as no need !) And us 3 will visit them at the grandparents house for a few hours then come home for dinner and do our own thing as his parents & children are used to staying with the grandparents anyhow he says so wouldant want to come here anyhow as they c all our little ones toys and playroom n ask why they have so little and he/she has all these! then the other two days after they could pop over here if they want for a few hours if not then we will do our own thing and visit my side of family.

As for being a family of FIVE not going to happen its ok for a few hours but their really rough with my little one and toys infact i cant relax have to watch every second as last time she/he had bruises on hand and handprint as prob jelousy over fact hes bringing mine up as ours now and hes with us all time so a big no no to them staying here. He will only have them for day visits now every other weekend and he says we will be having children of our own soon so he wont be going to grandparents house for x.mas anyhow as wel be settled even more then & here so his other kids would have to come here to c him unless they didnt want to or we were away or something.

sony123 xxx

im happy now its sorted so hope x.mas goes to plan and his children arent rude to me wish me luck lol!xx