How can I help DD, 3, with her shyness/lack of confidence?

**Maza** · 25-10-2012, 10:17 PM

We went to my daughter’s first parent evening at nursery tonight and she got a glowing report for her academic achievements/progress. Her areas of development are all linked to her social development. She is very shy and has rarely been apart from me since she was born and so found it soooo hard in her first few days at nursery. Personally I feel that she has made tons of progress as she no longer cries at nursery and comes home and chats about the activities that she has done (wouldn’t do any activities for first few days). They have freeflow indoor/outdoor and in 5 weeks she has only been out to play once. It’s just too vast and daunting for her at the moment and she prefers the smaller, calmer indoor environment. I just feel that she will do it in her own time but hubby latched on to this and when we got home stated that she can’t socialise and compared her to other children he had seen at parties recently. His comments have really upset me. At parties and playgroups she is very socially dependent on me and won’t venture far from my side. How can I help her become more confident? She is 4 next month.

**jo.jo76** · 25-10-2012, 10:24 PM

My daughter is similar, she'll be 3 on Tuesday and I'm so worried what she'll be like when she starts nursery. She is fine here with me and my mindees, she's chatty, loud and sometimes bossy. But as soon as we are out at a group she is so shy. For example today at my older sons assembly she was clapping along with their songs until she realised a teacher was watching her and smiled at her, the next minute she was under my chair!
I've tried so hard by taking her to groups and encouraging her to work with the playworkers at group rather than me.
Sorry not much help but interested to see if any others come up with some ideas
Jo x

**Maza** · 25-10-2012, 10:36 PM

Thanks jo, it helps knowing that she isn't the only one. Of course I know she isn't but hubby has made me paranoid. DD is also fine here with me and mindees and with her cousins and so I know that she just has to transfer those skills to larger, unfamiliar situations. I'm hurt because, like you, I've been trying really hard and getting her to work with playgroup leaders etc even if it's just for a few seconds, and then he just uses insensitive language to describe her. Friends have also passed comments recently and I'm sure they think I am to blame for not having put her in a nursery sooner (they all did) or leaving her with other people earlier. I think hubby partly blames me too - all his friends children are very confident and outgoing. I'm just sitting here crying now and thinking that my over protectiveness has caused her to be so lacking in confidence.

**scottishlass** · 25-10-2012, 10:47 PM

Hi

My eldest daughter is now 10 and was always painfully shy. As a tot she would hide behind me legs and wouldn't speak to anyone, she would hate going into new places and would often make angry noises if anyone so much as looked at her which could be very embarrasing - older people i particular took offense to this!! At the age of 4 she was my sisters flower girl and refused to be in any of the photos - not a single one!!

She started school nursery at 3 and made good progress, the main problem was when an unfamiliar adult came in she wouldn't talk to them even with the nursery teacher there. When she then started school she seemed to realise she had to start to talk to all the adults at school and then did so. Every parents night we have even now we are told she is very quiet, shy etc even now but to me she has improved hugely!! Had parents night a few weeks ago and they commented doing really well but that she wont ask for help when she is stuck.

I know it can be a worry + so stressful but my daughter has got so much better as she has got older, although still quiet and shy at school she has good group of friends and attends youth clubs, guides etc and even has been to camp twice but maybe she will always be a bit shy - that is just her personality - at least now I dont worry it is holding her back so much as before. Have started to get her to pay the bus driver her own fares separetely etc (she doesnt like doing this) but just explain when she is older she will want to go on the bus with her friends so needs to learn these things! The other thing that helped was when she was 4 and her sister was born - seemed to like the fact that she then had someone to share the attention with.

My youngest who is 6 is not shy at all!! She is great socially but struggles with her reading and writing but luckily has the confidence to still go for it and try really hard - isnt it funny how different 2 sisters can be!

**scottishlass** · 25-10-2012, 10:51 PM

Originally Posted by Maza

Thanks jo, it helps knowing that she isn't the only one. Of course I know she isn't but hubby has made me paranoid. DD is also fine here with me and mindees and with her cousins and so I know that she just has to transfer those skills to larger, unfamiliar situations. I'm hurt because, like you, I've been trying really hard and getting her to work with playgroup leaders etc even if it's just for a few seconds, and then he just uses insensitive language to describe her. Friends have also passed comments recently and I'm sure they think I am to blame for not having put her in a nursery sooner (they all did) or leaving her with other people earlier. I think hubby partly blames me too - all his friends children are very confident and outgoing. I'm just sitting here crying now and thinking that my over protectiveness has caused her to be so lacking in confidence.

oh maza - didnt see this message before i typed my big long message!! Remember she is still so young and is not your fault!!! see my post above - i brought up my 2 girls the same way and still- 1 painfully shy and 1 not at all - still they both cause me stress and worry in different ways!!! hugs to you! xx

**jo.jo76** · 25-10-2012, 10:58 PM

She's not lacking in confidence because as you say she's fine with you, she just needs to learn to transfer those skills to a new situation.

I've had the whole, "you've overprotected her" too and had her compared to my mindees, who are "so outgoing because they've had other people look after them!" and my Mum constantly saying "When you going to send her to nursery!"

I do worry but hoping that all the skills she's learnt will help her make that transition and help her in the long run. She's got the confidence in her, she just need to learn to trust those around before she can show them.

As the nursery are aware, they should help, and as you say, she has made progress, not crying and talks about her day.

Jo x

**chriss** · 25-10-2012, 11:20 PM

Don't cry

She sounds like a lovely little girl with a very caring mum. She is still little and learning to be with other people. Imagine being in a room with 20 other people and a couple of people with authority over you, feeling you are being watched/judged, well you would be a little scared, and be weighing it all up.

Just let her be herself, do not let others talk about her being shy etc in front of her, I think describing behaviour in front of a child is not a good thing. They may take on the role of being shy/loud/troublesome etc and not so easily shake it off cos that is how they are seen...if you see what I mean.

I know its hard but try not to compare her with others, she will be who she is no matter how you worry x

**sonyach** · 26-10-2012, 06:13 AM

Hi, i have a very shy 14 year old dd always has been. I used to tell everyone how shy she was (because I didn't want people to think she was rude) and then realised that I needed to stop going on about it. I was drawing more unwanted attention to her. She is still shy but only with other people I can't keep her quiet at home, now instead of me going on about being quiet and shy I tell her that there is nothing wrong with this not everyone can be loud and confident. She is a very beautiful, thoughtful, caring girl and I can see her confidence growing slightly. I have 3 dd's and 2 of them have bags of confidence, I have treated them all the same and looking back I can say that I don't believe it was anything to do with her up bringing everyone is different and some people take longer to build their confidence it's not wrong to be shy. I totally see where your coming from and have given myself such a hard time, but your doing a great job!! I have a great relationship with my dd and she comes to talk to me about her worries and we work on things together. Your husband should be supporting you, has he had no part in raising your daughter!! Be confident in what you are doing as long as your daughter knows you love her and you continue to support her she'll be fine.

**blue bear** · 26-10-2012, 06:45 AM

Stop being daft your dd sounds quite delightful, rather she was shy than aggressive and selfish.
Now to build her confidence in new situations, play shops, customers and shop keepers, build on this by making shopping lists, encourage the children to order off their shopping lists at the bakers, butcher or deli counter if you use a supermarket, don't bully her, help her to begin with but give her time to try.
Play cafe, taking turns being the customer and waitress, take chikdren to cafe read the menu, encourage them to order their choices.
This is a safe way of talking to other adults, it gives the chikd instant reward for speaking up and is non threatening.

Have you looked at smaller nurseries or an accredited childminder where there will be less people, same opportunities and more adult support?

**FussyElmo** · 26-10-2012, 06:52 AM

I would be explainly nicely to my dh that I dont expect him to change entire parts of his personality so why does he expect our dd to have hers changed.

Nursery are pleased with her she just doesnt like going outside. My mindee used to have encouraged to go out at nursery but thrived inside my son in the class lived outside.

My eldest dd was shy and she started dance brought her self confidence on leaps and bounds

**JCrakers** · 26-10-2012, 08:09 AM

I have two children a boy now aged 14yrs has always lacked confidence even though I always. He was a quiet, well behaved baby who wouldnt even cry for food. He was content and enjoyable.

I took him to all the toddler groups
socialised him from an early age
I took him to work with me as a nanny with two other children
I did lots of things with him ie farm visits, painting activities,creative things

He has always been quite shy and he's not very academic so his confidence lowered when he started school. I have done everything to help him grow in confidence but nothing worked until he grew up. He is still quite nervous at school in things such as speaking up or drama but he is more confident now. He has a lot of friends but he always waits for things to come to him never goes to get things.

My dd aged 10 is totally the opposite. She was a nightmare from the word go. She was a hungry baby who cried all day, demanding and I had a lot of problems with her as a baby. I didn't do a lot of things with her when she little because I now had 2 children to split my time between.

I didn't go to any toddler groups because Id learnt how clicky they were
I had 5yrs of work
We did go out for farm,park visits but I didn't do a lot of painting,craft activities because I had less time.

She has a lot of confidence, will speak her mind. Is always first in the queue, will tell people exactly what she wants and thinks to the point of my embarrassment sometimes

She wants to try everything.. karate,guitar,horse riding,gymnastics,tennis and makes friends easily once she starts groups.

So its funny, no matter how we try to shape our children, they are what they are. Ive done nothing different really with my two but they couldn't be different. One got all the confidence and the other got hardly any bit Ive encouraged them both equally, loved them equally and told them how much I love them equally.
So enjoy your dd, it doesn't matter if other people your dh knows are confident. She is who she is and one day she might surprise you

**francinejayne** · 26-10-2012, 09:30 AM

I have 3 children, my eldest is now 18 and he was exactly the same! It got to year 2 or 3 in school and his teacher told me that he had never initiated a conversation at all in school. I thought about this and I asked my neighbours and friends and they all confirmed that they had never known him to start a conversation, ever. He got through school fine, as he got older he came more out of his shell as each year went on.

Now as an 18 year old young adult he is actually quite confident, and he has loads of friends and a fabulous social life.

My youngest son is 4 and he is also quiet (not at home though!) He is in reception and would much rather prefer to be with mummy at home. He doesn't like the noisy boisterous children at school, it is all a bit much for him. When he goes to a party in a soft play area he is glued to my side, it is just not his thing. When he was in pre-school he also would prefer to be in the small 'chatter room' with a few other children and the teacher, rather than in the main room or outside as there was just too much going on for him. I am not concerned about him at all, it is just his personality. Not everyone can be the life and sould of the party, and I personally find children that are too confident and outgoing at such a young age a little bit annoying

Try not to worry, everything sounds perfectly normal to me!

**JCrakers** · 26-10-2012, 10:00 AM

Originally Posted by francinejayne

I have 3 children, my eldest is now 18 and he was exactly the same! It got to year 2 or 3 in school and his teacher told me that he had never initiated a conversation at all in school. I thought about this and I asked my neighbours and friends and they all confirmed that they had never known him to start a conversation, ever. He got through school fine, as he got older he came more out of his shell as each year went on.

Now as an 18 year old young adult he is actually quite confident, and he has loads of friends and a fabulous social life.

My youngest son is 4 and he is also quiet (not at home though!) He is in reception and would much rather prefer to be with mummy at home. He doesn't like the noisy boisterous children at school, it is all a bit much for him. When he goes to a party in a soft play area he is glued to my side, it is just not his thing. When he was in pre-school he also would prefer to be in the small 'chatter room' with a few other children and the teacher, rather than in the main room or outside as there was just too much going on for him. I am not concerned about him at all, it is just his personality. Not everyone can be the life and sould of the party, and I personally find children that are too confident and outgoing at such a young age a little bit annoying

Try not to worry, everything sounds perfectly normal to me!

Me too actually. I have 1 mindee that is very overconfident and he always ends up hurting the other children's feelings as he doesn't understand that other children are also good at things.He always thinks he has to go first because he feels he's the best which is ok but when he starts putting other people down its quite bad to hear. He always talks over people too

I have quite a hard time with him, he's 8

**TNT** · 26-10-2012, 10:23 AM

This thread has made me feel so much better! My son who just turned 6 is in year 2 and has always lacked confidence. It seems to have got worse since he started school as he is one of the youngest in his year and not very academic at all. He hates trying anything new in case he fails and wont join in at many social activities such as birthday parties (although he loves soft play!)
I totally agree with the other posters on here that it is personality and not anything we have done wrong. My middle son is the complete opposite, very boistrous and confident, recently started pre-school and hasnt looked back! My 3rd son who is 6 months old looks to be taking after his oldest brother, he is very chilled out.
I still worry about it a lot though as I was shy as a child so know how awful it can feel.

**scottishlass** · 26-10-2012, 10:48 AM

Originally Posted by TNT

This thread has made me feel so much better! My son who just turned 6 is in year 2 and has always lacked confidence. It seems to have got worse since he started school as he is one of the youngest in his year and not very academic at all. He hates trying anything new in case he fails and wont join in at many social activities such as birthday parties (although he loves soft play!)
I totally agree with the other posters on here that it is personality and not anything we have done wrong. My middle son is the complete opposite, very boistrous and confident, recently started pre-school and hasnt looked back! My 3rd son who is 6 months old looks to be taking after his oldest brother, he is very chilled out.
I still worry about it a lot though as I was shy as a child so know how awful it can feel.

I think it can be daunting for them when they first start school, sure he will feel more relaxed as time goes on and he gets used to his classmates. My youngest (the one who isnt shy) really didnt enjoy her first year at school at all - found it too hard etc - would rather go back to nursery to play (and she is one of the oldest) now in p2 and is so much more settled.

Yeah I used to dread taking my older daughter to parties when she was younger but funnily enough would join at the soft play parties too - and party games - she used to hate them!! Even now if we are on holiday etc and there is a disco she will not dance!!! but will at a school disco with friends! (maybe its my dancing!)

**Maza** · 26-10-2012, 11:54 AM

Thank you all so much. I knew you would all talk sense and make me feel better. It was just the way my husband worded things that upset me (he regrets ever opening his mouth now, ha ha), and the fact that I seem to have had a few people commenting on how shy she is in front of her over the past few days. You've helped me put it back in perspective again! I know what you mean about over confident children (and adults) being annoying! I'm painfully shy myself but have learnt to accept it and manage it. I actually find it quite refreshing to 'admit' to other people that I am a shy person instead of trying to act all 'tough and not bothered'. Blue Bear, I did look at smaller nurseries but didn't get in any. There are 36 in her class which is hard for her but the teachers are amazing and positive. I'm going to organise some playdates with people from her class so that she can start to build relationships with her peers in a relaxed setting. Thanks for all the other suggestions. xxx

**francinejayne** · 26-10-2012, 12:32 PM

Originally Posted by Maza

I'm going to organise some playdates with people from her class so that she can start to build relationships with her peers in a relaxed setting.

That's a good idea - I forgot to mention that in my previous post - my youngest actually came out of his shell a little at pre-school when I started minding another boy from there. It gave DS the confidence of having a proper friend there so he had someone to approach and join in with their games if he was feeling a little bit lonely.