ADVICE NEEDED ..ATTENTION SEEKING 4 YR OLD

**dette** · 08-02-2012, 12:07 PM

sorry its a long one ...I have a 4 yr old girl who is so attention seeking its driving me mad.Shes got loads worse since january when i took on two more kids(a 1yr and 2yr old boys).She is a nice kid (only child of single dad)but if i as much as look at anyone else she is right in my face.She repeats everything that all the other kids say ,wont play on her own for longer than 2 seconds if nobody is looking at her.Wants every thing that the other kids have got and talks in a twiney(sorry thats cumbrian)whingy voice all the time.When im playing with the little boys or my own children she always asks for something in the other room, eg; Im painting in kitchen she,ll want dolls in living room.I tell her she'll have to wait till ive got a minute but when i get things out for her she'll only play if i watch her.When i praise or compliament another child she says "Am i good "or "is mine nice" She tells lies constantly has started eating like a snail so that i have to constanly tell her to eat a bit faster.I,ve done all the obvious things like ignore her when shes going over the top and make a fuss when she plays independantly(which might be for 2 seconds but better than nothing)if she hasnt finished eating by the time everyone is finished i tell her she'll have to sit on her own while we go to the living room,she will finish her meal in seconds if i walk out of the room even though she has barely touched it for 45 min.My DH says he dreads coming home as she is always hanging off his legs or shouting at someone.My own kids(3 & 4) dont want to play with her as she is so bossy but then she whinges that no one is playing with her.The thing is i know why she is like this.In her house everything is "about her".all conversations involve her she tells her dad what to do and when to do it.How can i handle such a full on child without going mad.I have 7 kids of my own and everyone says i have the patience of a saint

but this one is a challenge.I have her 11 hours a day ,every day and every other saturday.Any ideas for my sanity.I cant give one child all the attention and not the house full of others that are all happy but not demanding.i need a balance

**JCrakers** · 08-02-2012, 12:24 PM

Well done you for persevering and being there for her. Did something happen to Mum?
Sounds like she is really wanting you to reassure her that you are not going anywhere and are there for her. If she doesnt have a relationship with her Mum shes looking at you to fill that space maybe. Dads probably overcompensating for Mum not being there. And you seem to have her a lot, maybe she thinks Dad is going to go as well???

It must be hard for you though

Have you had a good chat with her? Shes old enough to understand that you have other children to look after. It must be hard but I would persevere otherwise she will be passed onto someone else.
Have you had a good chat with Dad, explaining your concerns? Maybe you can come to an agreement of some sort?
Hope someone has some good advice about how to handle the situation

**dette** · 08-02-2012, 01:17 PM

Originally Posted by bexc

. Did something happen to Mum?

She left them when L was a year old.

**EmmaReed84** · 08-02-2012, 01:30 PM

Can you maybe talk to her and instead of "getting on at her" (which I am sure you dont) but get to to be more of a helper... Perhaps reward her helpful behaviour with a sticker then when Dad collects you can say "X was very helpful today, she helped me do ..." giving her some responsibilty might help her to feel valued. Little things like getting nappies for you, helping with the younger kids, even a little bit of help preparing dinner.

ex. when she is being silly with her dinner can you say something along the lines of "X you are such a big girl, you use your cutlerly so well, can you help me show the littlies how to do it so nicely" I suppose give her a bit of a big head about things she can do that littlies cannot.

She may be feeling so insecure and like bexc said needs some reassurance.

**Bear23** · 08-02-2012, 01:33 PM

11 hours a day? and every other saturday too? my goodness thats a lot of hours to be away from home, bless her

**dette** · 08-02-2012, 01:54 PM

Originally Posted by EmmaReed84

Can you maybe talk to her and instead of "getting on at her" (which I am sure you dont) but get to to be more of a helper... Perhaps reward her helpful behaviour with a sticker then when Dad collects you can say "X was very helpful today, she helped me do ..." giving her some responsibilty might help her to feel valued. Little things like getting nappies for you, helping with the younger kids, even a little bit of help preparing dinner.

ex. when she is being silly with her dinner can you say something along the lines of "X you are such a big girl, you use your cutlerly so well, can you help me show the littlies how to do it so nicely" I suppose give her a bit of a big head about things she can do that littlies cannot.

She may be feeling so insecure and like bexc said needs some reassurance.

i already do all this.Like i said i do all the obvious things,try not to mention her difficult behaviour as i know this is just more attenttion seeking.She is literally my shadow all day.If i ask another child to help with a job then she will jump up to do it first which always makes somebody upset.She does love to please and help but i feel she needs to be able to enjoy her own company and she just doesnt.She is very difficult for her dad(eg;wont let him watch his football once in a blue moon without her screaming for her programs on).and he gives in because he doesnt know what else to do.He works long hours and i feel i owe it to him to try and make her less dependant on having an audience for everything.He is tryin his best but the poor man is worn out by her too

**Helen79** · 08-02-2012, 02:43 PM

She is literally my shadow all day.If i ask another child to help with a job then she will jump up to do it first which always makes somebody upset.

Could you do a helper badge, give each child an hour with the badge and they're your helper while they're wearing it. If they're not then they can play until it's their turn.

**rosebud** · 08-02-2012, 02:49 PM

The advice given is already good but just wanted to say to try to hang on to the fact that she'll be starting school in September so its going to come to a natural end. Even if you have her before and after school it will be less time so you'll have a break from it. She's a lucky girl to have you and I'm sure you're doing a fantastic job.

**dette** · 08-02-2012, 02:50 PM

That sounds lovely ,i dont mean to sound negative but i dont think she will deal very well with anyone else wearing the badge.a constant cry of "when is it my turn,can i have a go now,they had it a long time" etc.even taking turns with the dice on snakes and ladders ..and thats only a few seconds and she is hopping up and down complaining.I will try that though(getting laminator out now )
BTW im having some rare time off from her today.Dad got day off and theyve gone to visit family.The peace is unbelievable.feel bad even thinking it but i think i was ready for the break

**dette** · 08-02-2012, 02:52 PM

Originally Posted by rosebud

The advice given is already good but just wanted to say to try to hang on to the fact that she'll be starting school in September so its going to come to a natural end. Even if you have her before and after school it will be less time so you'll have a break from it. She's a lucky girl to have you and I'm sure you're doing a fantastic job.

Thanks for that x Ive been thinking the same thing myself..kind of light at the end of the tunnel