At my wits end

**sarah32** · 07-07-2009, 03:58 PM

I have been minding a little boy who is now 28 months.

For the last 10 months or so he has been thowing what ever he can get his hands on, particularly through anger. Smacking me, headbutting me and snatching.

Ive somehow muddled through with ignoring it if its for attention, time out until he calmed down, distraction does not work with him. Even sometimes putting him in his travel cot as I cant deal with him anymore. This works as he seems to calm down once he realises he cant get his way.

He recently had his hours cut and I no longer have him on a monday as grandparents now have him.

I had my other two mindee's yeasterday and it was lovely, no stress.

Hes back today and straight away Im stress and finding myself raising my voice at him to get him to listen to me.

The final straw is my daughter was lying on the floor playing with material and he lifted up the basket they were in and threw it down on her, no accident, it was on purpose. She was screaming as hit her in the eye and Ive told him that was not nice and shes now hurt, he always just goes straight into crying and screaming because he doesnt like to me told no and told off.

Mum knows what he is like as he does it at home and I think shes now lost what to do with him as I dont know either.

I do think he has some issues but she thinks its just anger and him being a boy, copying his cousins but theres other things like he gets really obsessed about things always repeating things over and over, gets really possesive over certain toys and will hassle other children until they put it down.

A fellow childminder also feels that it is more than bad behaviour but what else can I do, Ive tried talking to parent and she doesnt agree.

On the verge of giving notice but cant afford as other two mindee's hours are being cut and one leaving me in september.

HEEELLLLPPPP

**Daftbat** · 07-07-2009, 04:22 PM

I think you need to talk to the parent again but from the perspective of trying to put together a "plan" which ensures continuity of behaviour at home and in your setting.

Try to see what works from both sides in tempering his behaviour. Perhaps there is a special toy or activity he enjoys or even a way of managing his behaviour which will work for both of you.

Explain that you are wanting to work with the parent to benefit the child - the parent may see some advice as thinking of them as bad parents which obviously isn't the case.

Hope you can manage to work it out.

**Ripeberry** · 07-07-2009, 04:59 PM

God, your poor daughter and you. That child sounds EXACTLY like a little boy at our pre-school and he has just turned 3yrs old. He won't let anyone else play nicely, he always wants to hit things and people and ignores you.
The mum, just cries about it (think she is under strain) and the pre-school workers are trying to help her through it, by reducing the time he spends in the session as he gets worse when he is tired.
But its distressing all round as other children just learn to keep away from him and some parent helpers won't come in on the days that he attends as he is always at the center of any trouble.
Is there anything that you have not tried to modify his behaviour?

**sarah32** · 07-07-2009, 05:19 PM

Ive tried everything, distraction, time out, removing toys hes throwing, talking to him at eye level, sitting him on my lap, ive even had to hold his hands to stop him smacking me.

Nothing works.

Had a chat with mum, told her his bahaviour is worrying me and I dont know what else to do, shes also at her wits end as hes the same at home.

Suggested I get someone in to observe him and give us some advice on how to deal with his behaviour, because I dont know and havent any experience on what he does.

She said she has a friend that she will ask to see what she thinks, I know this friend and I dont know what she could do to help as she was a nanny and now goes into nurseries to see what training they need. Unless shes dealt with this behaviour I dont know what she can suggest.

I was trying to get my area senco in but she just kept swaying away from what I was trying to say.

Any other suggestions please

**sarah707** · 07-07-2009, 05:21 PM

The mum needs to get help. The child needs assessing.

The throwing could be part of a trajectory schema -

http://www.visionwebsites.co.uk/Cont...NavSideId=8920

If you cannot cope then do not hurt yourself or your family by battling on.

Sending hugs xx

**sarah32** · 07-07-2009, 05:25 PM

Ive already talked to mum about the throwing and we both agreed that it was a trajectory schema.

Do they have this for life or eventually grow out of it?? Hes been doing this for about a year now.

He started off with throwing things across the room but throwing things directly at other children is not on and I think gone too far now.

Lets see what mum comes back with after speaking to friend.

Im writing it all down in the meantime.

**sarah707** · 07-07-2009, 05:32 PM

My little one has had a trajectory schema for about a year and it shows no sign of abating.

He's a very good shot!! He can hit his brother in the face from a long way away

We do try to support him with throwing appropriate things in the right direction but success is limited. xx

**georgie456** · 07-07-2009, 06:16 PM

Hi
I don't have advice I'm afraid - I just wanted to say well done you for coping with this for 10 months!
Alot of people would have thrown in the towel long ago, and it speaks volumes about your dedication to this child.
I really hope you find some answers and some peace soon xx

**sarah32** · 07-07-2009, 06:34 PM

Ive had him since he was 6 months and he can be a lovely sweet child at times.

I just wish he was like that more of the time

**The Juggler** · 07-07-2009, 06:51 PM

Maybe explain to mum that other children are getting hurt and if it continues it may not be safe for him to attend the setting. Then suggest you both meet to come up with a plan. Perhaps she would agree to see the health visitor and/or allow health visitor to observe him at your setting.

I have been through this and child was so well behaved for hv that mum did nothing and said it was me and I couldn't cope with terrible 2's. What was the point of all my training! It's hard. Because mum was not supportive I had to give notice in the end but if she works with you then it will ensure better outcomes for lo as well as a happier setting for you.

Good luck

LOL

**sarah32** · 08-07-2009, 10:41 AM

Well mum came this morning, spoke to her friend who seem to think she knows all about this.

Said he is just being a boy and she doesnt think hes any different.

That the way with deal with him is correct and if it means putting him in his bed to calm down then continue to do this.

His obsesive behaviour is just him.

Not convinced, just listened and she added at end that I could still get someone in to observe him if I wanted to but she agrees with her friend that hes just a high energy child that needs to get out alot which I do.

A fellow childminder suggested filming him for now when hes at his worst and see what happens.

Hes not been too bad today, one of his better day

**wendywu** · 08-07-2009, 10:49 AM

You need permission to film him.

I would just say a very firm and calm no when he throws thing. Pick him up and place him in the play pen or travel cot. So that he can still see the other children.

**sarah32** · 08-07-2009, 10:58 AM

Ive been doing that for 10 months, when I say no and tell him its wrong he just starts screaming

**Tired** · 08-07-2009, 11:11 AM

Sarah, I just wanted to sympathise. I have a 22 month old who sounds the same, been like it since he could crawl at 10 months.

he also pulls hair, so hard that the child is dragged to the floor, and sometimes actually dragged along.

I have posted on here a few times, and been given the courage to talk to the mum. We worked on positive praise for months, but it had no affect.

Now I have convinced her to contact a scheme called Portage. I don't know if it is local or national. Its a support programme for children with SEN, but they have recently started an additional service for pre-schoolers with behavioural difficulties. we have only just started to explore this option, but perhaps its something you could look in to?

**sarah32** · 08-07-2009, 11:19 AM

He has already been seen at childminding group by my network lady and shes also area senco and felt there ws more to his behaviour because that day he was being at his worst and she took him to the other side of the room for me to recover and she let him go and he ran at the table on purpose.

She needed written premission from parent to take things further and a couple of months ago when I tried, mum wasnt interested but I feel she will be ok for someone to observe him now because she added on end of conversation this morning that I could contact someone to observe him if I still wanted to.

Ill look into Portage tired, but ive not heard about it round here.

It is nice to hear that im not alone because I do feel like that sometimes.

**Tired** · 08-07-2009, 11:36 AM

well, if you just want to talk pm me, cos i feel the same sometimes.

this child is lovely to adults, so my husband, who only sees him for 20 mins each morning, cant see what I'm making a fuss about!

**Tired** · 08-07-2009, 11:39 AM

http://www.portage.org.uk/

here is the website. hope it helps.

**sarah32** · 08-07-2009, 11:42 AM

Exactly what my hubbie says, see's him for 30 mins at end of day and says hes not bad but has recently seen him screaming a few times and I think yesterday he could see that it was getting to me so actually listened.

Will look at that website. thanks