can u read my letter to the mum with the "High Needs Child"

[sammy]

sorry to go on about the subject but at least i get an honest answer on here, i was thinking about writing this to mum.

baby is asleep at the moment, he had a nice morning at the under 3s club, apart from when i drank my tea he was winging, as i put him in an activity play ring.

But what i was going to say about the subject of his winging (cant call it crying as he has no tears and is not distressed at all) was that the reason could be that he gets picked up as soon as he makes that noise, and that’s all it is, is just saying pick me up. I can understand as he is your first baby and you want to hold him and also you work and probably do feel guilty. But i feel for my sanity too that it maybe beneficial to leave him to winge, so that hes not getting what he wants, as this will only prolong him doing this, and im honestly not sure i can carry on caring for him as much as i love him, as i find as he does it continuously it is starting to affect my family and the children i care for, I think as he seems to be getting more attention than normal and is making himself "known" is getting to Ross as hes getting worse with hi s wetting himself, and child 1 also gets upset by it.

I know baby is his own little person and he can be so lovely and cute when hes happy (attached to me) i wouldnt mind the occasional winging but when it is all day long it can be tiring. All i can think of is the peace i used to have before taking him on, and as i have never experienced a baby that winges so much as baby , i feel i want to leave him to winge and sometimes in another room, which is not like me to want to do this as i am a very caring person and thats why i want to childmind, i want my house to be a happy, relaxing environment where children can play and join in to activities, without hearing wahhgggghhh! in the background.

I really wonder what one of my parents thinks as one of the little boys cry when i collect him and runs away, as before he would be waiting with a big grin on his face when i come to see him, now he just looks so worried when he sees the baby.

As you can understand its totally unrealistic for me to hold him all day long, now that hes nearly one - i feel he should be exploring and having fun. Also i have 3 boys of my own that need my attention too. I need to be as honest as possible with you so we both know where we stand, i have always felt that baby is more suited to someone who has no children that can hold him all day long and can give him the undivided attention he craves. I also feel that when you take on a child they have to suit your own lifestyle, mine as you know is busy and hectic, as i love going out and about and doing activities with the kids. I just find baby hasn’t yet fitted into my lifestyle and after 5 months i would have hoped he would have.

We really need to come to a plan to how we can manage this winging, i feel that some type of controlled winging maybe the way forward, but we both need to do the same thing so he doesn’t get confused. Otherwise i will have to decide if he doesn’t get any better after Christmas when hopefully he will be walking, then i may have to terminate the contract.

It would be with great regret, as you are all such a lovely family and your also like a friend to me. But i have tried so many things with him, and i just feel that i have personally had enough of the constant winging and would like my house to be the happy house it once was.

Thank for reading for all those that got to the end without getting bored.. what do you think??? too much to the point??

[Pipsqueak]

Sorry I wouldn't put it in a letter at the moment.
I would ask them to schedule in an appointment with you sooner rather than later.

Make some notes so you are prepared.

I wouldn't call it whinging either - parents might take offence.

I would explain the effect its having on other children too and that its impossible for you to carry and cuddle this child for every moment of the day he is with you.

Ask the parents to help you come up with a plan of managing this noise and teaching him that he is loved and well cared for but people cannot always respond immediately.

[Andrea08]

oh dear i think your so up set hun, take a breath ,

now take off your shoes and put on the other foot,
YOUR THE MUM,,,, how are you going to feel if you recieve a letter about your beautiful child,,,,
NOW back to being a childminder how are you going to talk with mum/parents?
start with the positives, how does he feed?,,,,well
how does he sleep?,,,,,times etc
what toys does he enjoy,,?,,,,

make an observation sheet of the child to show parents how well he is doing

THEN .... the only difficulty you are having is the childs self confidence and his need to be held and reashured. how this is effecting you and the other children attending setting (no names)
how are you as PARTNERS going to help the child with his confidence and give a time period to review
state that if his lack of confidence does not inprove by review date then you will have to give notice

try and work it out as partners with parents
not sure but i hope im right and this helps xxx

[Pipsqueak]

excellent advice Andrea - so much better put than me

would agree - isn't the school standard or childcare mantra when talking to a parent about their child for every one negative you insert at least two positives

[katickles]

I may really offend you here, but if i received that letter I wouldn't be happy at all.

I think the best thing to do, would be to speak to the parents at a time that you are not working so you don;t have the distractions & just talk to them & try & come up with a plan.

I personally feel that the letter is far to harsh, afterall this is there baby & parenting skills that are basically being slated.

I am so sorry if i sound horrible in my response, I am just trying to be honest how I would react as a parent.

[CCJD]

I can completely understand the sentiment behind your letter but I would possibly go about it a little more gently too. I would say something more to the effect of:

I wanted to put some words down to regarding XXXX and some problems I have been experiencing. As discussed with you, I am finding at the moment that when I put XXX down he will grizzle and whine until he is picked up. XXX is such a lovely child when being carried and it is a shame that he is unable to join in and fully explore our learning enviroment becuase he wishes to be held so much. Having closely observed him, I am confident that when he grizzles he is not upset or distressed - I feel that he has learnt (very early on) the wonder that is cause and effect. He has realised that if he grizzles, he gets picked up and whilst a good cuddle is what every child in this world needs, it is a shame that it may get in the way of him having a good time at the activities we participate in.
I am also aware that whilst picking him up is an easy solution - this same type of cause and effect behaviour can be so much harder next year when he may chose tantrums as he medium of getting what he wants and as his wants change, we may not be able to so easily provide the object he is tantruming over.
I would like to assure you that I would never leave xxx crying if he were hurt or upset and he will always receive a fair share of cuddles in my setting but I think it would benefit him and yourself in later stages of development if we encouraged xxxxx to play down from our laps. To help him gain the confidence he needs to explore his environment and build bonds with the other children around him.
I think that he would be benefit from a gentle introduction into controlled grizzling where we agree to both let him grizzle for xxx minutes before pikcing him up ..........blah blah blah......... and maybe we could set some time aside to discuss this further.


This is more how I would tackle it - but them I'm a bit of a non confrontational person and would be devasted if somebody critized my children!!

[sarah707]

Good practice advice says that if you criticise a child in any way at all to their parents... you need to find at least 10 positive things to say before the hurt they feel starts to go away.

I hope by writing down here how you feel you have shared your feelings with us in a safe place and that now you can move on without hurting the child's parents by sending a letter like that.

Sending hugs xx

[cloud9]

I may really offend you here, but if i received that letter I wouldn't be happy at all.

I think the best thing to do, would be to speak to the parents at a time that you are not working so you don;t have the distractions & just talk to them & try & come up with a plan.

I personally feel that the letter is far to harsh, afterall this is there baby & parenting skills that are basically being slated.

I am so sorry if i sound horrible in my response, I am just trying to be honest how I would react as a parent.

I agree here im afraid if i received a letter like that about my child i would tell the person to bog off.
im really sorry if that sounds harsh to but i wouldnt be impressed with it at all

[Pauline]

I too think it is something you need to speak face to face about, it comes across all wrong in a letter.

Baby is obviously distressed and 'whinging' is the only way he can express himself as he doesn't have words.

Best thing would be to arrange a meeting with mum.

[sammy]

i think i am just writing down the feelings i actually have about the whole situation, and thats why its sounds harsh as its now getting to me, sometimes i think after having 5 months of non - stop winging, which is what it is, is making me feel negative about the whole situation, which cant be helped. I do look from the mums view and thats why im trying SOOO hard with him. But i can see everyones point of view and feel the letter is harsh, but i think its just come to a head now and i feel like saying - dont bring him back tommorow!!

I know its all for the child and all that, but it really isnt normal, from my kids point of view this baby has come into our house and hasnt stopped winging since the day he got here. Im sorry but im only normal, and very patient, but if you had the radio on loud all day long you would want to turn it off at some point.

Im happy for your views and comments, i will re-word my letter though

[Pauline]

Im sorry but im only normal, and very patient, but if you had the radio on loud all day long you would want to turn it off at some point.

I know exactly what you mean. Childminding is one of the most isolated jobs, with little support when you are home alone. It does get extremely stressful.

I don't think anyone is criticising you, just trying to help you make your mind up on what you want from the situation.

It is what we are here for, please just moan away

[Zoomie]

I can completely understand the sentiment behind your letter but I would possibly go about it a little more gently too. I would say something more to the effect of:

I wanted to put some words down to regarding XXXX and some problems I have been experiencing. As discussed with you, I am finding at the moment that when I put XXX down he will grizzle and whine until he is picked up. XXX is such a lovely child when being carried and it is a shame that he is unable to join in and fully explore our learning enviroment becuase he wishes to be held so much. Having closely observed him, I am confident that when he grizzles he is not upset or distressed - I feel that he has learnt (very early on) the wonder that is cause and effect. He has realised that if he grizzles, he gets picked up and whilst a good cuddle is what every child in this world needs, it is a shame that it may get in the way of him having a good time at the activities we participate in.
I am also aware that whilst picking him up is an easy solution - this same type of cause and effect behaviour can be so much harder next year when he may chose tantrums as he medium of getting what he wants and as his wants change, we may not be able to so easily provide the object he is tantruming over.
I would like to assure you that I would never leave xxx crying if he were hurt or upset and he will always receive a fair share of cuddles in my setting but I think it would benefit him and yourself in later stages of development if we encouraged xxxxx to play down from our laps. To help him gain the confidence he needs to explore his environment and build bonds with the other children around him.
I think that he would be benefit from a gentle introduction into controlled grizzling where we agree to both let him grizzle for xxx minutes before pikcing him up ..........blah blah blah......... and maybe we could set some time aside to discuss this further.


This is more how I would tackle it - but them I'm a bit of a non confrontational person and would be devasted if somebody critized my children!!

I think this is an excellent way to communicate with this parent but I think a face to face meeting (with notes to help you) would be a much better medium. Wrap it all up in a concern for his 'overall development' and perhaps you can win the mother over. Otherwise tell her to have another baby and she'll soon learn she cannot be at his beck and call.

[Pipsqueak]

i think i am just writing down the feelings i actually have about the whole situation, and thats why its sounds harsh as its now getting to me, sometimes i think after having 5 months of non - stop winging, which is what it is, is making me feel negative about the whole situation, which cant be helped. I do look from the mums view and thats why im trying SOOO hard with him. But i can see everyones point of view and feel the letter is harsh, but i think its just come to a head now and i feel like saying - dont bring him back tommorow!!

I know its all for the child and all that, but it really isnt normal, from my kids point of view this baby has come into our house and hasnt stopped winging since the day he got here. Im sorry but im only normal, and very patient, but if you had the radio on loud all day long you would want to turn it off at some point.

Im happy for your views and comments, i will re-word my letter though

oh sammy please don't think any of us was critiscing you, you obviously care about this child and the family or you wouldn't be seeking advice and help.

I think you do need to tackle this now, face to face with the parents keeping your own personal feelings in check and being very professional about it. Save the personal bits for us on here - we can deal, cope and understand with everything you are saying.

Good luck hun - this is obviously draining you and I do think you need to set a realistic goal for any "plans" made in partnership with the parents because you cannot be expected to carry on in this manner.

[Andrea08]

I think this is an excellent way to communicate with this parent but I think a face to face meeting (with notes to help you) would be a much better medium. Wrap it all up in a concern for his 'overall development' and perhaps you can win the mother over. Otherwise tell her to have another baby and she'll soon learn she cannot be at his beck and call.

lol that last bit made me laugh
ohhh we need the forum to let of steam hun go 4 it and give us as much as your feeling coz thats why we read your posts, ok

it sounds like you have made up your mind?
after your little chat with mum let us know how you got on and what you both decided to do ,,,,
give your self a time limit to review the situation and take real observations to include time date and what happened not just how you feel ok

remember the positives too and how it feles to be a mum for the first time.
do give it a little more time and then after the xmas break if you still feel this isn't working give notice

we realy do wish you good luck hun xxxxx

[sammy]

yes thankyou, the letter you wrote is non-confrontational, and im not a horrible person, but i feel i could say more in a letter than to her face, as i couldnt say all that, i think im more brave when it comes to putting it down in writing, (we email each other, so it would have been sent that way) I agree that it needs to be handled in a more delicate way as he is her important little person and we do have a good childminder/parent relationship, but she does fully understand what im saying as she says hes hard work too.

Anyway off to take them to a soft play area, to give some other poor people a headache! lol

[katickles]

Believe me - 5 months of this has more than shown patience on your side.

I have been sat thinking of the words to say so show that I am not critizing you in any way - in fact I to find it easier writing to parents rather than talking face to face sometimes, but I do feel on this occasion a chat would be more appropriate.

I really hope that mum works with you on this one & that you are able to come to a solution, you obviously care a great deal for this lo.

[yummymummy]

I've said before but you are a saint for putting up with this for 5 months. My worst baby's mum (baby was like yours for 2 weeks) had spoken to me about it and we agreed one month before something was done, she thought it was too much to ask and said "I think two weeks of this will drive you mad" But I exlained that I felt a month was reasonable and enough time for baby to settle.
So try the face to face chat but if the mum really thinks that this is "normal acceptable" behaviour from her baby I think you may have no choice but to give up. BUT if you do pat yourself on the back, you've done a great job and if and when it all ends I hope baby's mum says so too.

[Blaze]

Nothing to add...excellent advice already given.

[SimplyLucy]

Ok I've been following all your threads about this mindee.

Personally I can't see that there is a problem at all with the child.

You say he makes a noise when you put him down, yes, maybe to you it does sound like a wingy noise, but maybe to the baby it's the only noise he can manage at the moment.

If the baby isn't distressed and has no tears then let him carry on, it's only a noise after all. You won't be causing him any upset by leaving him. If it's upsetting other children then distract them (not the baby), put a CD on, explain to the others that it's the babies way of talking etc etc.

As childminders we can't expect children in our care to be quiet and we must remember all children are unique and make different noises and have different needs.

Sorry if my post sounds quite harsh but the letter you have written has upset me quite a bit and I'm not even that children mother.

[sammy]

i have heard him say dadda and babble when holding him, believe me its definately a winging noise, sounds actually more like a loud crying noise but without the tears, he sits with his mouth WIDE open bellowing out (i call it winging - thats putting it nicely) as i say hes not distressed or particulary upset. I think he does it SO loud so that the person HAS to pick him up to even think straight, Cant i tape it and then play it back on here so you can all hear it, just so you know how bad it actually is. If it was a slight noise or his alternative way to talking then it wouldnt bother me at all, but thats why it has left me to write such a letter, sorry thats how i feel, if you had the same all day you would no doubt feel the same. Everyone i meet from playgroups to friends, say omg how do you put up with that!!