Difficult situation with friends child

**acorns** · 20-10-2008, 07:32 PM

I'm in a bit of a difficult situation and am wondering if I have said too much already. Here it is - I attend a playgroup where a friends child goes with her CM. The CM does not know me & the child is too little to say. Last week I saw the child left alone, getting distressed, clearly needing some attention. Her CM was sitting chatting and having a cup of coffee, I left it for a while then as the CM wasn't going to get up and play with the little one I did as I could stand it no longer. Then the little one was ok. The CM picked her up later. When I saw my friend I happened to mention that I had seen her Lo & she went on to ask me what I thought of the CM& how the lttle one was as she has not been happy for a while. I did tell her what I had seen (gave her positives also) and she is now really worried wants me to go back this week & let her know how things go. I feel like a spy but on the other hand she is my friend & I would want her to do the same for me. What would you do??

**Gherkin** · 20-10-2008, 07:37 PM

It is a hard one because normally the messenger is the one who gets shot iyswim.

Depending on how good a relationship you have with your friend then I would probably go back watch and let her know (they would need to be a really good friend though for me to do this).

Hope that helps a little.

**Spangles** · 20-10-2008, 07:37 PM

That's a really difficult situation to be in.

If it was my child I would want you to go and see again too I must admit, and if she was my friend I would do it if you see what I mean.

Just be really sure about what you see, try to get there first thing and stay the whole time to get a true picture.

So many mums and childminders do that at the toddlers I go to. They leave the children to do their own thing and sit around chatting paying no attention. It makes me sooooo angry! I wouldn't want my child treated that way, anything could happen.

I would do it for my friend as I don't see how else she will have a picture of what's happening. Everyone else will probably disagree but I'd do it if it could be kept quiet.

**miffy** · 20-10-2008, 08:32 PM

I'm going to play devil's advocate here. I take my mindees to a toddler group once a week and I often sit and chat to other childminders and parents (some of whose children I look after) whilst my mindees play.

I don't see anything wrong in that. I have spent the morning playing and doing craft activities with them and the toddler group is a place where they meet up with their friends too, it's a stepping stone towards playgroup and being a bit more independant.

If they want me to join in an activity with them I will do and I keep a close eye on them even if I'm chatting.

You might find yourself in a difficult situation if the childminder works out who is watching and reporting back to mum and you may misinterpret the situation. I know you want to help your friend but you might lose out in the end

Good luck whatever you decide

Miffy xx

**acorns** · 20-10-2008, 08:41 PM

Thanks, I have no problem with sitting & chatting whilst the children play. in fact it's good not to interfere too much some times. What got me though was that my friends Lo who's only crawling was clearly upset by all the hubub of the bigger ones around her and the cm was making no moves to comfort her or distract her. My OH says I have nothing to worry about & just to tell her (if the cm found out) if she was doing her job right then I would have no reason to say anything negative to my friend

. He's right to a point but I wouldn't quite put it that way

**miffy** · 20-10-2008, 08:47 PM

Sorry didn't realise the child was so young and yes I see that puts a different light on it.

Think then I'd have to see if the same thing happens each time or it was just an unfortunate one-off iyswim.

Did your friend have other concerns about her childminder before you mentioned this?

Miffy xx

**Pudding Girl** · 20-10-2008, 09:09 PM

I agree with Miffy, nothing wrong per se with having a cuppa and a gossip, but should still be keeping an eye on child while doing so. It might have been a one off so maybe you'll have nothing to worry about? Let's hope so.

Difficult situation isn't it, maybe the CM had had a nightmare morning with the child and was trying to not pander to every move type thing?

**michellethegooner** · 20-10-2008, 09:13 PM

personally I would probably go again if it was for a friend but she'd have to be a really good friend, and like was previously said I would ask friend what concerns she had before this incident, but I would make sure that I would arrive early and get the whole picture.

**berkschick** · 20-10-2008, 09:18 PM

I go to lots of toddler groups and balance my time between having a natter and playing with the children, just like everyone else there does.

I would not ignore one who was upset though.

Having said that, when I had the screamer, I had to put him down at times. How long has your friends little one been going to the minder? I dont know but maybe baby is clingy at groups?

Having said all that, if I were concerned about a friends child I would definately keep an eye.

**acorns** · 20-10-2008, 09:26 PM

Yes, I was hoping that the CM had maybe had a bad morning, maybe she really needed her coffee, it's so difficult as I've seen the lo happy at other groups (& it's also easy to jump to some sometimes wrong conclusions). I think my friend must be having concerns to have asked me in the first place - I'll go again (if only to put my own mind at rest hopefully) and see what happens and tread very carefully. Thank you all, sometimes you need other opinions (who are not emotionally involved) to look at things from a different view

**Pudding Girl** · 20-10-2008, 09:35 PM

that's a positive sign that you have seen the baby happy at other groups, did you tell mum that? Might have just been an end of tether day?
I'd make it clear though to your friend that it's up to her to talk to her CM if she has concerns. and to not bring your name into it! CM can be a cliquey lot in some areas!

**acorns** · 20-10-2008, 09:40 PM

She was with her Mum when she was happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**angeldelight** · 20-10-2008, 09:42 PM

Originally Posted by acorns

Yes, I was hoping that the CM had maybe had a bad morning, maybe she really needed her coffee, it's so difficult as I've seen the lo happy at other groups (& it's also easy to jump to some sometimes wrong conclusions). I think my friend must be having concerns to have asked me in the first place - I'll go again (if only to put my own mind at rest hopefully) and see what happens and tread very carefully. Thank you all, sometimes you need other opinions (who are not emotionally involved) to look at things from a different view

I think you sound a good friend and you have weighed up the situation with out jumping to conclusions along the way
You have been understanding about the childminder but you are still unsure about the situation?

I would keep a watchful eye on this if I were you

But at the same time I would ask your friend what other concerns she has with the minder - maybe then she could have a word about those to her

That way if things are not good then things will come to a head that way rather than you having to get involved with this situation if you know what I mean?

But if it continues your loyalty must be to your friend

Good luck keep us posted

Angel xx

**Twinkles** · 20-10-2008, 09:57 PM

This is very difficult. I sometimes have three small children at toddlers ( as do most minders i know ) how can you follow each child ? Sometimes you just need to sit in the middle and make yourself availible for whichever one needs you. I do agree it doesn't sound like this was what she was doing though.
I have had clingy children in the past who are used to being carried/followed around all day. In this situation I have put them on the floor next to me and they don't always like it ! But they have to learn to play independently .I'd say just see how it goes next time.

**cloud9** · 21-10-2008, 11:40 AM

I agree with everyone else here but i think that your friend has actually put you in a very unfair position. if she has concerns she should address these with the cm and not expect you to spy on her.
Regardless if the cm has nothing to worry about would you like it if someone were asked to spy on you?

**loocyloo** · 21-10-2008, 12:07 PM

hi, difficult one.

i have a little one (just 2 yr) who is fine when he can see me...

when we are at toddlers, i always base myself in the same place, so he knows where 'home' is! and i tend to stay there. he plays quite happily, then if he wanders off to play with something else, and other adults get in his eyeline to me, he HOWLS! i have to say, most people know him and point him back to me, and i don't go running up to him! but i do get some people who look horrified that i am not concerned/making a fuss! he has to learn to deal with it, and we are in a safe situation, and one he has been going to for a year! he used to be fine, but has started this since september. ( dad is a teacher and had him all holiday ... i think he got so used to daddy being there at his beck and call, (like mum and dad are at weekends!) he finds it hard!

he comes to me 4 days a week, and has been coming 18mths, so its not a 'new' situation!

i have told mum, and she says he is the same with her at home!

**acorns** · 21-10-2008, 12:33 PM

[ Regardless if the cm has nothing to worry about would you like it if someone were asked to spy on you?[/QUOTE]

I am cautious when I am out and about as you never know who's around that know's the children I mind. That said I think I would be more dissapointed that a parent asked someone to do this rather than speak to me direct, however having used childcare in the past it's sometimes the only way to know what goes on when a parent is not about.

TBH if she were my child I would not be happy at all. It has been the case again this week, but worse than last. I will answer my friends questions, and stick to fact not my opinion. Then if there is any comeback I would just say I was asked & said what I saw. My loyalty certainly lies with my friend and not a stranger who is looking after her child.

**Chatterbox Childcare** · 21-10-2008, 12:45 PM

I would look and tell my friend. If the CM is doing her job then it won't matter what you see.

If the child is distressed or unhappy then you are just confirming mums fears.

**tinkerbelle** · 21-10-2008, 12:51 PM

not to appear rude but if your friend has any concerns why is the child still attending?? i have previously used a childminder for my oldest 2 children and they displayed signs of not settling so i removed them immediatly
this mum is obviously not confident in this minders ability with this child so much so that she can not talk directly to her and is asking you to spy on her
if you are found out the other minder may take the view that you are trying to damage her by doing this and taking business off of her
friend or no friend id ask her to sort it with the minder sorry.

**acorns** · 21-10-2008, 01:01 PM

[friend or no friend id ask her to sort it with the minder sorry.[/QUOTE]

That's what i'm going to say, I can't go each week feeling pressured to look out for another child as well as my own two. I'm hoping by next week it'll be cleared up. we'll see...........