silent treatment

[luckylady22]

Hi everyone, I always feel a balanced, truthful answer is given on these pages, so would really appreciate any advice to a new obstacle in the ever revolving world of childminding and children. I have been a childminder for nearly 8 years and have 3 grown up children of my own and have looked after all of my 14 nieces and nephews over the years BUT I currently look after a little girl that has really thrown me of course. I have looked after her for over 3 years, from a baby, she is 4 in a couple of weeks, over the years she has shown some controlling behaviour, refusing to eat, wetting and soiling herself up to 5 times a day, screaming when she arrives in the morning - all stopped as quickly as they started. She seems to enjoy herself here, gets on well with the other children, however, she has suddenly taken to completely ignoring me, she wont speak to me, and turns her head so she doesnt have to look at me, I have tried my hardest to find out whats going on, no luck, mum has spoken to her, again to no avail. I should point out, when the other children turn up its like a switch has been turned on and she is happy as anything, wont stop talking, laughing etc. She is an only child and has been emotionally spoilt ( too much choice) from an early age, mum is lovely but hasn't got any answers, this morning dropping off, mum said she had the silent treatment as well. If she was a new child, just started I could understand it but like I said, she has been coming here for over 3 years and since she arrived at 8.15 this morning she has not said a word to me. She will speak to my lot when they come in, with a hello, which makes it all the more frustrating, really my question is has anyone else encountered this? if so.. what did you do,

[chris goodyear]

Very frustrating! I haven't encountered exactly that tho I've had new children who wouldn't speak to any adult or sometimes even the other children and on one occasion it took 6 months for the child to speak to me or my daughter(my assistant) he would respond by a nod or shake of the head. I think what I would do is turn the tables and ignore her, obviously see to her needs but don't interact and see how she deals with it. At 4 years old she will understand and probably really not like it at all and when she gets upset ,which I think she will, you can explain then that's how it makes you feel when she does it to you. Children do not like to be ignored and usually quickly realise that they are doing wrong in whatever sense. I think it's her controlling behaviour and as long as you try to cajole her or find interesting things to show her or talk about she can control the situation by being silent. Children aren't silly are they and soon work out ways to be the boss and it's up to us adults to show that we are!

[chris goodyear]

Meant to add that basically she is just being rude!!

[sing-low]

Haven't experienced this myself but didn't want to read and run. From what you've said at the beginning of your post, it sounds as if this is just another form of controlling behaviour. So, if the pattern continues, then I would expect it to stop as quickly as the other things have done. I think, in your situation, I would try my best not to let it get to me (really hard, I know) and carry on as normal, as far as possible.

[Simona]

Hi everyone, I always feel a balanced, truthful answer is given on these pages, so would really appreciate any advice to a new obstacle in the ever revolving world of childminding and children. I have been a childminder for nearly 8 years and have 3 grown up children of my own and have looked after all of my 14 nieces and nephews over the years BUT I currently look after a little girl that has really thrown me of course. I have looked after her for over 3 years, from a baby, she is 4 in a couple of weeks, over the years she has shown some controlling behaviour, refusing to eat, wetting and soiling herself up to 5 times a day, screaming when she arrives in the morning - all stopped as quickly as they started. She seems to enjoy herself here, gets on well with the other children, however, she has suddenly taken to completely ignoring me, she wont speak to me, and turns her head so she doesnt have to look at me, I have tried my hardest to find out whats going on, no luck, mum has spoken to her, again to no avail. I should point out, when the other children turn up its like a switch has been turned on and she is happy as anything, wont stop talking, laughing etc. She is an only child and has been emotionally spoilt ( too much choice) from an early age, mum is lovely but hasn't got any answers, this morning dropping off, mum said she had the silent treatment as well. If she was a new child, just started I could understand it but like I said, she has been coming here for over 3 years and since she arrived at 8.15 this morning she has not said a word to me. She will speak to my lot when they come in, with a hello, which makes it all the more frustrating, really my question is has anyone else encountered this? if so.. what did you do,

There will be some reason behind that behaviour in such a young child....something is going on that is not obvious to you.
Seek support...you can call the Health Visitor dept and ask for advice without having to give the child's name
Also look at mental Health services...Young Minds could offer professional advice

There is something going on that needs sorting and yes...maybe the child is rude and maybe she has been 'spoilt' but that does not explain the behaviour

Good luck

[luckylady22]

Very frustrating! I haven't encountered exactly that tho I've had new children who wouldn't speak to any adult or sometimes even the other children and on one occasion it took 6 months for the child to speak to me or my daughter(my assistant) he would respond by a nod or shake of the head. I think what I would do is turn the tables and ignore her, obviously see to her needs but don't interact and see how she deals with it. At 4 years old she will understand and probably really not like it at all and when she gets upset ,which I think she will, you can explain then that's how it makes you feel when she does it to you. Children do not like to be ignored and usually quickly realise that they are doing wrong in whatever sense. I think it's her controlling behaviour and as long as you try to cajole her or find interesting things to show her or talk about she can control the situation by being silent. Children aren't silly are they and soon work out ways to be the boss and it's up to us adults to show that we are!

Hi, thanks for all your replies, it seems we are all working and thinking on the same wavelength, I have tried explaining to her how I feel when she wont speak to me, but to no avail, she is a very intelligent little girl and I think she knows exactly what she is doing, me and mum are using a diary at the end of the day so nothing is said about her behaviour in front of her. I am hoping it will soon fizzle out, as I said before all of her recent episodes have stopped pretty much as quickly as they started. I have looked after a little boy who was diagnosed with selective mutism so I know this is totally different and directed just at me (or mum when she feels like it), fingers crossed it doesn't last much longer - I struggle to keep quiet for more than a couple of minutes so I don't quite now how she has the willpower lol

[jillplum]

I think I would just ignore it. Carry on as usual and speak to her just the same as the others etc. Try not to react when she doesnt answer. If its done for attention then getting no attention should sort it out. You could try asking her if she wants xyz to eat or whatever, give her time to answer and if she doesnt then leave her without it and carry on to the next child. You may find she will speak to you if she wants somerhing. Of course if it carries on then you may have to dig deeper to find the root cause.

[Fitrix]

I've always believed there are 3 things children can control themselves. Everything else in their world is controlled by their parents/carers - what they wear, where they go, what they do, when they eat etc. But if they so choose, carers/parents cannot make them eat, cannot prevent them soiling themselves and cannot make them talk. So some strong willed children do take advantage of the little bit of control they have by not speaking/eating etc. Some children really can't help it and have issues which need addressed. With children that have no developmental issues I find putting their favourite toy/food/activity out for them to have ONCE THEY ASK ME works a treat. Or they can choose to go without.