Difficult to feed baby. Now mum had a go at me!

**Ripeberry** · 09-10-2014, 06:11 PM

You may remember that I've posted a few times about a now 9 month old baby who 'hates to eat' and will now only drink milk at night. Well the mum dropped her off this morning and said that the two grannies that look after the baby as well, have said that I SHOULD stick to a strict 3 meals a day with the child, at the same times each day and that by not doing this I was not doing my job.
Well!

First of all I have two school runs in the morning. The baby is not dropped off until 8.20am, just as I'm heading out the door. The two days I have the baby ( the grannies have the other two days), we are out and about or at playgroup as I have other children to look after. I feed the 'breakfast' when I can later that morning. Most of the time she will not eat anything, only have water, and then she will have a nap.
The grannies sit at home all day and their idea of 'breakfast' is giving baby some toast. I've tried that but she doesn't eat it, only breaks it up and spits it out.
She says she can't trust me to feed the baby correctly. She wants me to force feed and I refuse!

Mum sent dad this evening to collect early.
I wonder if baby will be back next week. I've been feeling upset all day over this. Was glad to have some fellow CMs to talk to at group this morning. I know the mum is stressed as a HV visit is coming up. But I don't appreciate her taking it out on me!

**redtiger21** · 09-10-2014, 06:17 PM

Poor you, that's definitely unfair of her. What she clearly needs is a nanny, not a "setting". I make it clear that breakfast is only given before 8am because of my school runs, the kids would never get it otherwise. Consequently, only one mindee (who starts at 6.15) has brekki here, the others all arrive fed and watered, but I give snack between 9 and 10. If she doesn't hand in notice, I think you need to have quite an honest conversation with her. What you've said is perfectly reasonable, she just needs to be made to understand it. Good luck X

**Mouse** · 09-10-2014, 06:50 PM

It sounds as if mum is under a lot of pressure from the grandmothers and is taking it out on you

If they do continue bringing the little girl to you I would tell mum that this is your routine, this is what you are prepared to do or not do, so they can take it or leave it. If mum says she can't trust you to feed the child properly, I'd be tempted to let them go.

**FloraDora** · 09-10-2014, 07:17 PM

I suppose this is where you have to think of the needs of the child. On the other 2 days what mum is proposing works. So if you cannot do this then perhaps mum needs to find another childminder. You feel you are meeting the needs of the others by your daily groups, but in doing so you are unable to meet the needs ( what the parents request) of this LO - I can't see a compromise.

**Lal** · 09-10-2014, 07:23 PM

Babies should eat little and often. The NHS Guide says that at 9 mths babies should be 'moving towards' 3 meals a day, and also I'd give mum this to read:

http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/fee...9-12-month-old

Hope you can get mum to understand you and her baby better.

**Koala** · 10-10-2014, 08:55 AM

Clearly the routine you are offering and the routine lo is getting elsewhere is differing to the extent of not being practical. Neither one is wrong imo but both together isn't working and obviously it is not sitting well for you and mum isn't happy. I would be tempted to suggest that she seeks alternative care as your routine and feeding approach isn't what she is looking for and wish her all the best. OR it may be that everyone is having difficulty with lo feeding but you are the only one that is monitoring/observing and being honest and flagging it up as an issue which isn't sitting well on mums conscience, hence you get the flack.

It is too much to ask of you to be put under pressure to do something you find wrong and I am a bit shocked to be honest to find a parent asking you to force feed, I hope she doesn't really mean this and is just maybe insinuating that you should try harder - which I would find insulting too. I think this is a very upsetting situation for you to be in and not worth the hassle and stress, Good luck and if they don't come back next week it might be a blessing in disguise.

I can understand how this is getting you upset and can only reassure you that every so often, everyone has issues like this in one way or another and could probably say that everyday a childminder somewhere is having the same problem and it too makes them feel upset. Your not alone.

**JCrakers** · 10-10-2014, 12:34 PM

Ask her how she expects you to feed a child that wont eat. Does she have any ideas other than holding the babies mouth open and force feeding which is obviously a child abuse issue.

I think I would give notice straight away and let the 'EXPERT' grannies do the caring. They are obviously more knowledgeable

I couldn't work with someone who said that to me i'm afraid...all trust and close partnership would be lost.

**Ripeberry** · 10-10-2014, 08:00 PM

Thanks for all your replies. The mum has had the diary every day, the grannies write in it, only a few words, all about the food and I include everything that we do, what baby plays with/who/where we went. So the mum could see at a glance what her baby ate each day with me.
Was never an issue, until she went through the diary in detail with one of the grannies. Baby always had milk just before she came to me anyway. The grannies are giving a 'second' breakfast.
I've not heard from her at all, and next Tuesday is when she is supposed to come back.
Worried now that she'll put in a complaint.

**rickysmiths** · 10-10-2014, 11:52 PM

Poor you I really feel for you. It is hard when a baby won't eat or drink and I always feel they are worse when they are stressed. Though I can understand why Grannies are helping with the care for the child to be in three different places in a week must be quite hard. It might also be that if they are managing to get her to eat she is not as hungry the days she is with you.

I think all you can do you have done. You have written in the diary and discussed fully with mum. I would keep a copy of the diary if they leave. I think under the circumstances I might also do a short progress report and include in it they way mum has asked to to feed and explain why the method is not acceptable in your practice and what you propose would be a good plan of action. Go through the daily routine again to remind mum. Go through it with mum and add any more comments she has to make and then both of you sign and date it and attach a copy to the Daily Diary and you keep a copy.

Then if mum does complain what can she complain about? You can demonstrate beyond doubt that you have done everything to settle the baby and to work with the mum.

I hope it works out.

**sarah707** · 11-10-2014, 08:24 PM

Babies only have little tummies - if lo is having a bottle before coming to you it's unlikely s/he will be hungry for an hour or 2...

I wonder if you can continue working with the family when there are clearly so many conflicting/ strong views going on

**bunyip** · 12-10-2014, 09:27 AM

The first thing I'd do is gently but firmly confront mum with the right sort of questions to find out how she feels about the situation. Does the situation you've described reflect mum's thinking, or is it the result of her feeling under pressure from grannies and HV ?

If that is the case, remember still that you are a CM and not a counsellor, psychotherapist or social worker. It's up to mum to be strong, or to seek the right help from the right people.

I'm a grandad, so I'm well aware of the temptation to be a 'know-it-all' over my grandchildren's care. I've also built a lot of my business on sharing care with grandparents.I usually find a lo goes to both a CM and grandparents across the week simply because granny wants to be involved and help but cannot cope for more than a day or 2. It can make for a rather toxic mix: a granny who 'knows' how everything should be done, but can't actually do it themselves, and so they heap guilt on mum and criticism on the CM. That's where the CM has to be strong.

It's impossible to tell, but I wonder how much the child actually eats at gran's. I have a lo who has followed (and as far as I can see) failed at baby-led weaning, but mum is convinced she's eating lots. From what I witness, this "eating" involves biting on soft-boiled veg or toasty soldiers, then letting them fall out of her mouth, so very little reaches the poor mite's stomach.

Perhaps it hasn't occurred to granny that the toast she's picking up off her floor hasn't actually been eaten.

Also, it's not uncommon for a mum who has experienced feeding problems, to expect the CM to sort it all out for her. Even more-so if they've been under lots of middle-class guilt to be a "good mummy" and get the breastfeeding right. Such is the obsession that anything less can be looked upon as "failure (bad mummy)".

**Ripeberry** · 12-10-2014, 11:01 AM

Originally Posted by bunyip

The first thing I'd do is gently but firmly confront mum with the right sort of questions to find out how she feels about the situation. Does the situation you've described reflect mum's thinking, or is it the result of her feeling under pressure from grannies and HV ?

If that is the case, remember still that you are a CM and not a counsellor, psychotherapist or social worker. It's up to mum to be strong, or to seek the right help from the right people.

I'm a grandad, so I'm well aware of the temptation to be a 'know-it-all' over my grandchildren's care. I've also built a lot of my business on sharing care with grandparents.I usually find a lo goes to both a CM and grandparents across the week simply because granny wants to be involved and help but cannot cope for more than a day or 2. It can make for a rather toxic mix: a granny who 'knows' how everything should be done, but can't actually do it themselves, and so they heap guilt on mum and criticism on the CM. That's where the CM has to be strong.

It's impossible to tell, but I wonder how much the child actually eats at gran's. I have a lo who has followed (and as far as I can see) failed at baby-led weaning, but mum is convinced she's eating lots. From what I witness, this "eating" involves biting on soft-boiled veg or toasty soldiers, then letting them fall out of her mouth, so very little reaches the poor mite's stomach.

Perhaps it hasn't occurred to granny that the toast she's picking up off her floor hasn't actually been eaten.

Also, it's not uncommon for a mum who has experienced feeding problems, to expect the CM to sort it all out for her. Even more-so if they've been under lots of middle-class guilt to be a "good mummy" and get the breastfeeding right. Such is the obsession that anything less can be looked upon as "failure (bad mummy)".

That's where I might have put my foot in it. It left my lips before my brain engaged. 'How do you know how much baby is eating with granny?' I'm a piggy in the middle

**Mummits** · 12-10-2014, 12:32 PM

If this baby is eating "properly" five full days a week (not to mention the times before and after she is with you on your two days) then it's not really a big deal, she will be fine. Babies will eat in fits and starts - they haven't read the handbook that says how they are supposed to behave! If she were really hungry, she would eat, as she obviously knows how. For the Mum to say she cannot trust you is nothing short of rude.

If, as I suspect is nearer the mark, she is not eating well whoever feeds her, it is even more unacceptable. I'd be tempted to call her bluff - ask her in to show you how she feeds her. In fact I would probably suggest she have the grannies take over full time if they are so much more trustworthy.

**Mummits** · 12-10-2014, 12:59 PM

If this baby is eating "properly" five full days a week (not to mention the times before and after she is with you on your two days) then it's not really a big deal, she will be fine. Babies will eat in fits and starts - they haven't read the handbook that says how they are supposed to behave! If she were really hungry, she would eat, as she obviously knows how. For the Mum to say she cannot trust you is nothing short of rude.

If, as I suspect is nearer the mark, she is not eating well whoever feeds her, it is even more unacceptable. I'd be tempted to call her bluff - ask her in to show you how she feeds her. In fact I would probably suggest she have the grannies take over full time if they are so much more trustworthy.

**bunyip** · 12-10-2014, 01:18 PM

Originally Posted by Ripeberry

That's where I might have put my foot in it. It left my lips before my brain engaged. 'How do you know how much baby is eating with granny?' I'm a piggy in the middle

You didn't put your foot in it: it was the most sensible question to ask.

The next question, as Mummits says, is to ask: "well, can you come and show me how you do it?" - followed by, "why do you need a CM if the grannies really are doing so well?"

After that, you move onto what Koala said: if your routine doesn't work for her, then she has to look at alternative care.

Sadly, you're probably not in a contractual position to give immediate notice. All the same, I'd be tempted to remind mum that the child needs to eat and grannies can achieve that (or so they claim) , then the lo would perhaps be best to leave immediately and be looked after by the grannies until mum can find that elusive childcare setting with a magic feeding wand.

What i always find frustrating in these situations is that mum will eventually put the child with a childcare setting that is far inferior to yours. Mum wants to hear that everything is "fine" and she'll eventually find some less scrupulous setting who play on this and, irrespective of the lo's welfare, will smile, nod and say "everything's just fine". I recently lost a client cos I refuse to do that.

**Ripeberry** · 12-10-2014, 03:04 PM

Very true Bunyip. I'm sometimes too honest for my own good. Love to find the 'Magic feeding wand'

**hectors house** · 13-10-2014, 08:19 AM

Originally Posted by Mummits

If this baby is eating "properly" five full days a week (not to mention the times before and after she is with you on your two days) then it's not really a big deal, she will be fine. Babies will eat in fits and starts - they haven't read the handbook that says how they are supposed to behave! If she were really hungry, she would eat, as she obviously knows how. For the Mum to say she cannot trust you is nothing short of rude.

If, as I suspect is nearer the mark, she is not eating well whoever feeds her, it is even more unacceptable. I'd be tempted to call her bluff - ask her in to show you how she feeds her. In fact I would probably suggest she have the grannies take over full time if they are so much more trustworthy.

Part of my settling in session is to ask the mother to come to collect at a lunch time and bring the baby's lunch and feed them here with me and the rest of the children - I tell them this is so I can see a) how the baby likes to be fed, b) so I can see texture and amount child would normally eat. I then know not to panic if they bring along a bowl big enough to feed an adult and then accept when baby only eats 5 mouthfuls - I am then able to suggest a more appropriate quantity to send.

I don't do children's meals until they are over one as ask parents to supply them. Watching them feed the baby also gives me an opportunity to tell them that the meal should be heated until piping hot and allow to cool down as it's amazing how many of them just pop in microwave for 10 seconds.