Son 4years problems at school advice please?

Hi All,

I hope you don't mind me asking for personal advice, but I am really concerned about my 4 year old son. He started in foundation in September, after 2 years at pre-school that he loved. He went upto foundation and transitioned really well as expected, he bounced to school each day. He has always been a school lover, he so enjoys being in that environment, and has been very independent even going on pre-school trips without me.

About 2 months ago he started having little wobbles before school, the normal I'm tired, or I don't want to go today, which is very unlike him, but I understand that some kids "hit the wall" so to speak once they realise this is a permanent everyday thing! this situation has got progressively worse, to screaming all the way there, refusing to go in, trying to head to the gates to go home. Some mornings he is beside himself, and has to be carried in by staff, even the head took him in the other day. when I ask him what's wrong he says, I'm tired or I cant sleep at school, or I'm scared. He said he doesn't like the games they play, and sometimes says its boring, as you can see their is no clear response as to what is upsetting him?

He used to eat school dinner on a Friday, but now refuses to go in the dinner hall, he says he's scared and gets lost, he doesn't eat any packed lunch it all comes back untouched maybe 1 or 2 bites at best. Worst of all its started to affect him at home, he is getting really upset if we go out, places he's always been like town or the shops, he screams about not going saying he's scared, when we get there he cry's and trembles and says where is everybody, they're going to shut, we will be locked in!!! he is so anxious. He has never been like this, he has always been very sociable, outgoing and confident, and now he is a very anxious little boy. It breaks our heart to drop him of in the morning kicking and screaming because he wants to be with me where he feels safe, and I am breaking that confidence he has in me everyday by leaving him there, which is why I wonder if the anxiety has started because he feels like nobody is protecting him!

We have spoken to the teacher and they say once he's in he's fine! they mix the foundation year 1 and year 2 in the same playground at lunch, approx. 160 kids, and he has a sibling in year 2, but I don't want to ask his sibling to watch him at lunch as its not fair. I have emailed the head with our concerns, but no reply as yet, his teacher has set another meeting with me later this week to discuss.

What advice would you give, am I doing enough, am I doing to little, this poor little boys character is being broken a little bit more everyday. I feel like storming into the office and demanding they do something, and taking him home permanently!

Any advice for a worried mum?

Thanks

Quote:

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Originally Posted by emmas

Hi All,

I hope you don't mind me asking for personal advice, but I am really concerned about my 4 year old son. He started in foundation in September, after 2 years at pre-school that he loved. He went upto foundation and transitioned really well as expected, he bounced to school each day. He has always been a school lover, he so enjoys being in that environment, and has been very independent even going on pre-school trips without me.

About 2 months ago he started having little wobbles before school, the normal I'm tired, or I don't want to go today, which is very unlike him, but I understand that some kids "hit the wall" so to speak once they realise this is a permanent everyday thing! this situation has got progressively worse, to screaming all the way there, refusing to go in, trying to head to the gates to go home. Some mornings he is beside himself, and has to be carried in by staff, even the head took him in the other day. when I ask him what's wrong he says, I'm tired or I cant sleep at school, or I'm scared. He said he doesn't like the games they play, and sometimes says its boring, as you can see their is no clear response as to what is upsetting him?

He used to eat school dinner on a Friday, but now refuses to go in the dinner hall, he says he's scared and gets lost, he doesn't eat any packed lunch it all comes back untouched maybe 1 or 2 bites at best. Worst of all its started to affect him at home, he is getting really upset if we go out, places he's always been like town or the shops, he screams about not going saying he's scared, when we get there he cry's and trembles and says where is everybody, they're going to shut, we will be locked in!!! he is so anxious. He has never been like this, he has always been very sociable, outgoing and confident, and now he is a very anxious little boy. It breaks our heart to drop him of in the morning kicking and screaming because he wants to be with me where he feels safe, and I am breaking that confidence he has in me everyday by leaving him there, which is why I wonder if the anxiety has started because he feels like nobody is protecting him!

We have spoken to the teacher and they say once he's in he's fine! they mix the foundation year 1 and year 2 in the same playground at lunch, approx. 160 kids, and he has a sibling in year 2, but I don't want to ask his sibling to watch him at lunch as its not fair. I have emailed the head with our concerns, but no reply as yet, his teacher has set another meeting with me later this week to discuss.

What advice would you give, am I doing enough, am I doing to little, this poor little boys character is being broken a little bit more everyday. I feel like storming into the office and demanding they do something, and taking him home permanently!

Any advice for a worried mum?

Thanks

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Big big hugs. I know how hard it is when your child suddenly doesn't want to go to school.
My ds was 4 in the April and started reception in the September. He was fine for most of the first term and then didn't want to go to school- crying screaming lying on playground . I used to have to physically hand him over to the TA or teacher at the door and run out of sight. Once he was in the classroom he was fine.
I thought it was down to being tired at end of term. But it was just as bad if not worse come the january. He didn't want to eat lunch, be it school lunch or pack up but was happy in class once we'd got him in.
He was small for his age and although not immature for his age, was still 'little'. One thing that sort of helped when he was actually in school was one of the girls in his class was a 'mother hen' and took him under her wing and that seemed to give him some support, but we had no idea what caused it or how to help apart from to continue taking him to school! It was heartbreaking, he did the same no matter who took him in! Friends used to stand and watch through the window to let me know he was ok.
School suggested an educational psychologist ... not because they thought he needed one as such, but more that they might be able to suggest some things to help... we went on a waiting list ...
I was telling a friend whose older child went to a different school and she said her child had done the same thing, and someone recommended a cranial osteopath. They had had several sessions, and things had improved dramatically.

I took ds to see the same osteopath, who as well as cranial did 'normal' osteopathy. In discussion we realised that he had grown a few inches in the Christmas term, and she said that his body was all stretched out of sorts and needed some help to get comfortable! Ds wasn't overly keen, but did seem more relaxed after the first session. We went weekly for a few weeks and I can't tell you how long it took ( but weeks not months ) but we realised he wasn't creating at going into school and was eating fine.

DS carried on seeing the osteo every now and again from then on, and at times of stress. And even now, he's seen one occasionally (sadly a different one as we've moved) and it really does help him.

The Ed psych finally got in touch about 6 mths later and everything was definitely fine by then.

Sorry, didn't mean to witter on and I don't mean to suggest that seeing an osteo will work for you, but I was willing to give anything a try and thought that maybe, even if DS thought we were taking him seriously and trying to help, that might just help too.

Good luck and more big hugs xxxx

Ps ... edited to say my ds is now 14 and I've just collected him from school as not well, but I asked him if he remembered not wanting to go to school and he said no!

Have you considered separation anxiety? When you say that he wants to stay with you because he feels safe, it sounds very much like my daughter was, although she was older when it became a really issue at school. Looking back though, I could see that it had started when she was in infants school.

I would have a read up on separation anxiety in school aged children and maybe speak to the school nurse or senco.

I fully understand how horrible it is for you, as a parent. I had years of thinking it would just be easier to forget school completely and keep my daughter at home with me.

Thanks for your reply Mouse and Loocyloo,

This morning we tried a different tactic for drop off, I would usually have 6 children at drop off, 2 that come back home with me the other 4 for school drop offs at different doors. I would usually drop my son at his door last of all, then go home with the 2 pre-schoolers. This morning my husband was home so he walked to school with my son separate to the rest of us, and he went in no tears?

Maybe its a separation thing from me? I think I might try dropping him first at his class before the other 3 at theirs, and then go home with the pre-schoolers. I have researched separation anxiety and a lot of the description seems to fit his behaviour, its just so stressful dealing with 6 children, and then knowing I am going to have trouble when dropping my son last, but that could be half the problem, he might be feeding of my own anxiety! I feel really bad if that's the case.

But thank you so much for your support, sometimes a little support from others is all you need.

Thanks x

Quote:

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Originally Posted by emmas

Thanks for your reply Mouse and Loocyloo,

This morning we tried a different tactic for drop off, I would usually have 6 children at drop off, 2 that come back home with me the other 4 for school drop offs at different doors. I would usually drop my son at his door last of all, then go home with the 2 pre-schoolers. This morning my husband was home so he walked to school with my son separate to the rest of us, and he went in no tears?

Maybe its a separation thing from me? I think I might try dropping him first at his class before the other 3 at theirs, and then go home with the pre-schoolers. I have researched separation anxiety and a lot of the description seems to fit his behaviour, its just so stressful dealing with 6 children, and then knowing I am going to have trouble when dropping my son last, but that could be half the problem, he might be feeding of my own anxiety! I feel really bad if that's the case.

But thank you so much for your support, sometimes a little support from others is all you need.

Thanks x

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Glad it all went well for you and your ds this morning. I was thinking of you. Hugs x

I'm pleased to hear you had a better morning.

I can highly recommend a book called 'The strong, sensitive boy' by Ted Zeff.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by emmas

Thanks for your reply Mouse and Loocyloo,

This morning we tried a different tactic for drop off, I would usually have 6 children at drop off, 2 that come back home with me the other 4 for school drop offs at different doors. I would usually drop my son at his door last of all, then go home with the 2 pre-schoolers. This morning my husband was home so he walked to school with my son separate to the rest of us, and he went in no tears?

Maybe its a separation thing from me? I think I might try dropping him first at his class before the other 3 at theirs, and then go home with the pre-schoolers. I have researched separation anxiety and a lot of the description seems to fit his behaviour, its just so stressful dealing with 6 children, and then knowing I am going to have trouble when dropping my son last, but that could be half the problem, he might be feeding of my own anxiety! I feel really bad if that's the case.

But thank you so much for your support, sometimes a little support from others is all you need.

Thanks x

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I have seen dramatic differences between a LOs behaviour when dropped off with mum compared to being dropped off by dad! Also, seeing you go home with 2 pre-schoolers could also be upsetting as he's left behind?

You have answered it yourself, he is so upset because you are going to his home with other children but he has to leave you and not have the same fun with you as the others. I went through it many many years ago so completely understand both yours and your child's feelings. I used to almost collapse with the upset of it all. Even now and he is 38 I still worry about not being there totally for him.
Teacake2

Oh feel for you. It's so hard when are own are still young. Maybe when you drop him off one of your last conversations with him could be how he's going into exciting school and poor you have to now go home and do the dishes/Tesco/wait for a deliver - whatever sounds boring to him so he won't think he's missing out and imagining you playing with the lo's. And on pickup keep saying how lucky he is to have had such an exciting day because boy wasn't your day so long and boring! Or something to this effect. A lo who had been with me for 3 years started school in Sept and I now do wrap around care 4 days a week drills me every evening on what we've done and I make the day sound as boring as possible so she doesn't feel she's missing out.