desperate: advice needed re childs behaviour please

I am really reaching breaking point with a just turned 3 mindee. He is also my grandson but he is not treated any differently to my other mindees (I treat them all like family!)There is also no option to terminate contract as I never give up on a child. For the past few weeks his behaviour is terrible.He pushes and slaps my other minded children non stop. He isn't bothered if anyone is looking. When I say non stop I really mean he doesn't stop at all. Also I have two babies just standing and every chance he pushes them flying. He literally cannot go past any child in my setting without a hard slap or push. At playgroup he still picks on my mindees but no other children there. We have tried talking to him but it has no affect. He laughs and runs off. Or if we say 'don't do that to your friends' he slaps himself really hard in the face to make himself cry. I hate seeing him so mean and sad because he is a beautiful and loving child. I also hate seeing the other children cower when he comes near them. and every one of them does. I lost my dad three weeks ago and I wonder if it affected him. we are a very close family. He is loved but not spoilt. His mum is really upset by his behaviour too. I have a baby next to me as I write and hes trying to throw wooden blocks at her head. There is no give up with his behaviour. Any advice would be greatly received because nothing we say or do is having any affect. Thank you. I'm desperate.

I was going to say it's his age as a lot turn quite horrible at 3! Then I read about your dad and I think this might be the key to his behaviour. At 3 he doesn't know how to express his feelings especially over a death in the family, he probably doesn't know himself why he is doing it. Perhaps see if there are any organisations that could help you and your family with suggestions as to how to help him through this. Maybe go through the HV or Dr and ask if they know of any local to you. I lost my husband a year ago next week and my grandaughters age 6 and 10 still struggle with it and I think at 3 he won't really understand except to know he won't see him any more. Hope you find something.

Was his behaviour like this before your father passed?
If no, then it would possibly be the trigger, in which case, you might need outside help to support his emotions.

If he was, then being consistent and firm about what is and isn't acceptable behaviour is the route I would be taking.
You are likely to need to shadow him for a few weeks to break the cycle.
Over praise the good, big fuss, stickers, etc are all positive reinforcement for acceptable behaviour.
At 3, he should be able to acknowledge the difference between what's right and wrong.

Behaviour is always a child's way of telling us something ... it's our job to work out what they are saying and how we can help them.

If this is something new then you probably have your reason and he needs support with managing strong emotions - there are some links here - Sarah's Blog: Let's talk about death....

If this has been going on for a while, it's likely something else or something in addition to the bereavement.

Consistency plus targeted planning to help the child will get him through it - best call parents in for a meeting and take it from there x

Does he visit much when you're not working, so when you're his granny, not his childminder?

I find that with my grandson things are very different when he's here with other children and when he's here with no other children. There are different rules for the different scenarios. When he's here as a mindee he's not allowed upstairs, he isn't allowed to go in the cupboards and he sits at the table to eat and drink. When he's here as our grandchild he runs round the house, opens all the cupboard doors and even walks round eating and drinking (DH lets him do that, not me!) He also has all the toys to himself when he's the only one here and I'm sure he considers them 'his' toys. He does share happily when the other children are here.

So far it hasn't caused any issues as he seems to accept that things are different when he's here with other children. He is only 16 months old though. I wonder if your grandson has realised that the other children you have mean you can't just be his granny on those days. Perhaps he's a bit jealous when they get your attention and doesn't want them in 'his' house. If he doesn't pick on any other children while you're at playgroup it would suggest he has a problem with these specific children (your other mindees). not other children in general.

Do you ask him to help you with the other children? Could he help you get the nappy changing things out, or pass round the snacks and drinks? Maybe giving him a bit of responsibility might help him feel special and help with his self-confidence.

Sounds a lot like one of my boys at that age. I wonder if things have changed during the upset of bereavement both at home and yours? My little Man would be so much more wilful when things changed even minor changes and at three hitting out when upset was something he did.
The best advice I had was along with being consistent but loving (every time he slapped or whatever I would sit him down because he hurt his friend until I said he could get up and say sorry - I put you there because.......). Every day I allocated some time where he chose what we did, during little ones nap time worked for us, it could be baking, digging in sand playing Lego, water play- anything he chose to do and during that hour he would have my devoted attention, no phone answered, kettle popped on or diaries written in, totally absorbed pLaying with him, if others were awake they too were encouraged to join in because X has chosen for us to do whatever.
I still do this with whoever is my eldest mindee, lots of because you are my biggest etc.

Could it be that you treat them all the same but he feels liek you aren't giving him the same attention that you do when you are not working, if that makes sense...maybe he is confused by the two roles you play in his life.....just a thought x