Would you let Mindee go hungry if they refuse to eat? - feeling really bad at moment.

Ok, so I have a very fussy 4 year old eater. T date I have pandered around, asked MUM for suggestions etc... But I keep getting the same Answers, Pizza and Pasta. I explained to Mum I do not want to provide Pizza and Pasta all the time, she needs variety and nutrients.
So asks Mum this morning if she likea a roast Dinner- answer she will eat the Veg but maybe not the Yorkshire puddings and does not like Gravy. ok so I have cooked a Simple Roast Dinner minus gravy for her but she refuses to eat it because I put the Yorkshire eon the plate.

So do I just dig in - using lots of encouragement obviously and let her go hungry?

Or do I make her something else. Everything is saying make her something else I don't like to see them go hungry but I know if I make her something else that will be it and forever making a rod for my own back.

What would you do??

Thanks

Sorry for long post.

I personally would let her go hungry!

Yes they have to learn to eat what is put in front if them.. Sure everyone has preferences but this Lo needs her 'reportaire' extending ! Maybe a little bribery with some pudding?

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Originally Posted by MAWI

Ok, so I have a very fussy 4 year old eater. T date I have pandered around, asked MUM for suggestions etc... But I keep getting the same Answers, Pizza and Pasta. I explained to Mum I do not want to provide Pizza and Pasta all the time, she needs variety and nutrients. So asks Mum this morning if she likea a roast Dinner- answer she will eat the Veg but maybe not the Yorkshire puddings and does not like Gravy. ok so I have cooked a Simple Roast Dinner minus gravy for her but she refuses to eat it because I put the Yorkshire eon the plate. So do I just dig in - using lots of encouragement obviously and let her go hungry? Or do I make her something else. Everything is saying make her something else I don't like to see them go hungry but I know if I make her something else that will be it and forever making a rod for my own back. What would you do?? Thanks Sorry for long post.

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I might not have the best advice as I'm not a registered CM as of yet, but I have my DD4's friends for tea a couple of times a week.

I make them all the same meals, and usually one of them always says, "i don't like this, it's disgusting" (before even trying it). I don't make a fuss, but praise my DD4 and her other friend for eating. I make sure that the fussy one stays at the table with us, and eventually she will then start eating to join in with us :)

I definitely wouldn't be making her an alternative meal as it's not fair on you or the other children.

Good luck and I hope you get it sorted and I'm sure you'll get lots more advice on here xx

I have one exactly the same. Seems all she will eat is rubbish and I try and cook healthy balanced meals. It's always the wrong this or the wrong that etc etc. I now don't make a fuss, give her a small portion and if it's not eaten then fine. I've spent so long getting stressed and resentful about it and no more. She can take it and make an effort with it or go hungry. I am not a café.

xxxx

I would not have put the yorkshire pudding on the plate, mum had said she probably wouldn't eat it but asked her if she wanted a small piece to try, the rest of the dinner l would have given to her and removed if uneaten after a reasonable time and no she wouldn't get anything else. I found it very stressful when l was cooking meals as children aren't all given the same sort meals l cooked when at home and most children will always want the same as mum cooks no matter how long they have been with us. I always remember asking a 7yr old if he liked macaroni cheese he said yes so l made it for dinner and he didn't touch it when l reminded him he had said he liked it he said l do but its not the same as mums hers comes out of a tin!!

Hi :),
I would not be providing any alternative. You asked mum what she would like, you provided it, the child refused to eat it.

I only provide snack as it used to drive me mad planning nutritious meals, cooking every day and then throwing loads of it away.
Now I provide snacks only, parents provide a packed lunch and children go home to eat with parents.

I write an extensive list of healthy foods which I ask parents to look through and mark which ones their child will eat, write any relevant comments about particularities etc. There's a space to write items the children really do not like too.

Then I provide foodstuffs from the list and if the child refuses to eat that's fine and I make no fuss, but they don't get alternatives. As I provide snack I do it in a particular order: fruit/veg then yoghurt, then starchy stuff e.g. crumpets, savoury muffins, bread, crackers or toast, all with a choice of toppings: honey, marmite, cheese, ham. Occasionally we have geobars or similar to end on. Each 'course must be eaten if they want the next one, otherwise they're not really hungry as far as I'm concerned.....

Make it clear what will happen at the beginning of the meal and follow through :).

Good luck :thumbsup:

As already posted, I too would not provide alternative meal. I never give something I know a child dislikes so there's no excuse not to eat. I give small portions but there can be more if they want more. I stick to meal and snack times and they don't get stuff in between so if they don't eat the meal they have to wait. I too have done with stressing about eating. They get a reasonable time to finish and if they choose to mess about and not eat, that's down to them. Another thing I have is parents bringing children, who have clearly just been dragged out of bed and telling me they may be hungry because thy didn't want their breakfast. If I say "they will be hungry at snack time then' they look at me expecting me to say I'll give them breakfast then. And this is when they turn up just in time for the school run knowing I'm off out straight after :mad:

Complete sympathy from me. This subject really gets my hackles up and is something I struggle with a lot. It brings out all the worst of parent's attitudes, unruly children and glib, useless 'solutions' from so-called 'professionals'.

OK, most children I find are ok with food. But it only takes one (and I know cos I used to be food-fussy - maybe this is karma catching up with me after all these years. :( )

Parents make all the right mumsie-angst noises about healthy eating and liking our sample menus. Then when Little Miss Fussy starts diggin her heels in ("Eeeeugh - don't like it!" - "But you haven't even seen it.") It soon transpires that all they eat at home comes out of a tin or a cardboard box, accompanied by some cr4ppy disney toy. Mum's 'healthy eating' is just a load of flannel, and we're expected to do the job for them (like the ones that leave all the potty training to the CM - cos they're paying us to solve all their parenting problems, aren't they?)

I find the dieticians, health and childcare 'professionals' utterly useless. It doesn't help that they start from the totally unscientific notion of this or that food being "healthy" or "unhealthy"; it would help if they understood that no food can be labelled as such - there are only "healthy" or "unhealthy" diets, not individual foods. :mad:

So, we have to offer "healthy food" - which they refuse. We're supposed to "encourage" them, and praise the others who do eat it. How stupid do they think the child is? When I was a fussy eater, no amount of encouragement would induce me to eat what I didn't like, and I would sit at the table for hours, knowing I was more stubborn than my mum who'd crack long before I would. Adults have other things to do; children are single-minded enough to sit it out. Face it: would you do something you hated for a s0dding sticker??? :huh:

We "aren't allowed" to do the "eat up and you'll win a pudding" thing. Nutritionists say we should never use food as a reward/punishment as it increases food anxieties. Also, the pudding should be included in the nutritional balance of the overall meal - not that they tell you what to do if the child picks all the 'nice stuff' off a balanced plateful and leaves everything else. :(

Alternatives aren't a viable option either. Again, I've been told off by 'professionals' for offering toast as an alternative to a child who flatly refuses good meals. I must admit, it does tend to result in children screaming "take that stuff away and bring me toast". My logic is to at least get something inside them. The 'professionals' say, "give them fruit" - but then I have children begging fruit before the proper meal is even laid out before them. And btw this is another piece of 'healthy eating' b0ll0x. There is nothing good about a diet dominated by fruit, and children are taking in massive amounts of sugars from fruit. Just because it's 'natural' (a pretty meaningless term anyway) doesn't stop it being sugar.

So there you have it. They won't eat the proper meal. I can't force them, even though I have the tube and funnel all clean and at the ready. I can't bribe them. I can't offer an alternative. They aren't daft enough to be 'encouraged' to go through their equivalent of Hell for a sticker or pat on the head. They are stubborn enough to sit it out until we need the table for painting. Frankly, they care more, so they win.......................... Oh, yes; and we're supposed to make sure they eat something, but not allowed to give them anything they'll actually eat.

Answers on a postcard, please.................................? :huh:

We cannot force children to eat food they do not like...or more precisely ...food they have not been given at home for whatever reason, maybe the parents are very busy...or not able to cook good meals...or are struggling financially...or provide what is easy for peace of mind and avoid fights over food...we must look at all angles and not be so judgemental

We cannot let children go hungry either...that is not something we should do

But...as it is our setting and our ethos we could have a policy that encourages good eating practices...children could be encouraged to try new things...not forced
If a child proves very difficult then we can agree with the parents not to offer dinner and have an issue every day but let the children be fed at home?...
We could discuss with parents how to do that and work together ...starting with what children really like and going from there...

we could also involve the children in this and listen to their point of view without labelling them 'fussy eaters'...I know many adults who are very particular about what they eat...I never hear them being labelled 'fussy'.

If a child doesn't like the meal I put in front of them, I try to make sure I don't serve that meal again on a day when that child attends. I do expect the child to at least try the meal before they claim they don't like it and I do put a pudding on the table as a visual reminder of what they can have when they have either finished their meal or eaten a reasonable amount. If they refuse to eat any of it then I offer them a plain piece of bread, so at least they have eaten something and I may let them have some fruit later.

I'm happy to swap any of my clients' "financial struggles" for mine. Or their salaries, houses, vehicles, mobile phones, laptops, tablets, holidays, nights out, wives (oops, shouldn't have put that in, now, should I?) :p

My real concern is that some of us are stuck in a regulatory Catch 22, exacerbated by current health policy fashions, and that providing something the paying client is happy with would actually be frowned upon by Ofsted and health/children's services 'professionals.' :(

As i've mentioned many times on here, I do same as I have done for the last 35yrs.

Meal or snack is put in front of child. If they dont eat or start being difficult I lift them down from chair tell them to go and play, then sit eating and chatting to others at table.

Considering we eat at 9am, 1030ish, 12.30ish, 3ish and possibly 5ish, there is no need for anyone to go hungry. I dont do fussy eating lol.

This is a problem for most of us at some time.
Im afraid that whatever the newest 'advice' is I don't offer alternatives , and they only get pudding if they've either eaten all , or had a good go at , their main meal.

My sons school seems a little more laid back though - this is an excerpt from the may newsletter....

PACKED LUNCHES - STOP PRESS: Whilst we encourage a healthy lifestyle and promote healthy eating whenever possible, we are also realists! It would be great if all our children loved fruit & veggies more than cake and crisps but ……… we know that some of them will only be nourished by the latter. Please be reassured that at St Marys we will NOT be policing your child's lunch box - whatever Mr Gove tells us to do! We would rather they worked on a full stomach and enjoyed their lunch - whatever that may be!

Just to add I'm not into this healthy eating nonsense either. I am sure we are raising a generation that will have all sorts of food issues, time will tell

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Originally Posted by mama2three

This is a problem for most of us at some time.
Im afraid that whatever the newest 'advice' is I don't offer alternatives , and they only get pudding if they've either eaten all , or had a good go at , their main meal.

My sons school seems a little more laid back though - this is an excerpt from the may newsletter....

PACKED LUNCHES - STOP PRESS: Whilst we encourage a healthy lifestyle and promote healthy eating whenever possible, we are also realists! It would be great if all our children loved fruit & veggies more than cake and crisps but ……… we know that some of them will only be nourished by the latter. Please be reassured that at St Marys we will NOT be policing your child's lunch box - whatever Mr Gove tells us to do! We would rather they worked on a full stomach and enjoyed their lunch - whatever that may be!

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well done that school, about flipping time

Hi all, it is difficult to please everyone!! I strive to provide a variety of different foods which are healthy and nutritious with the odd treat thrown in, however like many of you I struggle because parents don't , won't or can't do the same at home which makes my job 10 times harder over the last six months I have decided that if the children won't eat what is put in front of them I will offer a slice of toast and some fruit whilst the others will eat there meal and then receive dessert. I have explained this to all parents and stressed to them that I can't be making several different meals to suit each child and should their child not eat what is offered then the parent will be informed so that they can give them something at home. My biggest bug bear is that half of the children do get picked up at a decent enough time that they could be having family meals at home and when you gently suggest this you are met with the " I don't have time, it's shower and bedtime when we get in " most of my mindees are picked up by 5.30pm !!!! I do also remind them that not only do I cook for my mindees but I also have to cook again for my own family!! If a child won't eat offer some toast as an alternative just to cover yourself x

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Originally Posted by bunyip

My real concern is that some of us are stuck in a regulatory Catch 22, exacerbated by current health policy fashions, and that providing something the paying client is happy with would actually be frowned upon by Ofsted and health/children's services 'professionals.' :(

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Totally agree. Definatley stuck between a rock and a hard place!

The Parents are very busy working professionals but certainly NOT struggling. Grandma helps out on the days I don't have them, they have a cleaner and a gardener. I'm just a long list of hired help, lol. I think it's all about convenience for food and it seems that her favourites are pizza, pasta and Hotdogs!!! Not something I will be providing every day. Can you imagine Ofsted!!

Well the result was she did not eat a lot. I did not provide an alternative. I took off the Yorkshire pudding. Mum did say give it a go but maybe she won't eat it( great definitive answer) she was left with meat, potatoes and vegetable which she has eaten before but refused.
I like to provide healthy and nutritious meals but what I call real meals, I.e Roast Dinner, shepherds Pies, lasagnes, variety of pasta, fish, salads, jacket potatoes etc... I try and vary it and ensure they have plenty of fruit and veg at snack and with meals.
I discussed all this with Mum when she started, showed my Menus and explained I do provide small treats at times and quick meals if we have been out such as Pizza or if we make them. I also got a list of likes and dislikes etc...

Anyway on collection, I explained to Mum what happened. She was not very happy because said child was saying"Mummy I'm hungry, I'm Hungry". I got told I get paid to feed her!!! And I should have just given her a Pizza and saved myself a load of hassle!! DEFINATELY CATCH 22!!! I said I was fed up with throwing good quality food away and pulled out my healthy eating policy and leaflets from my bumph that I had lying around. But maybe I should just give her Pizza not sure I can stand the stress, lol. Not sure she is happy but I think I will try and have a chat with her next week and see if we can come to a compromise. But it will not be Pizza everyday!!
Thanks for all your replies

My own children are bought up to understand that there are no "Bad" foods and no one food is "Best" so long as we eat a balanced diet all foods are acceptable and will keep us healthy.

I get a lot of info from parents before a child starts with me and obviously have chats over time whilst they are with me to find out if that child has any genuine dislikes, if they do I make sure they don't get given that. Otherwise I plan and cook balanced meals for everyone. I don't expect any child to eat everything on their plate but I do expect them to make a good effort and sitting there telling me they don't like that and they don't like this and it's the wrong this and the wrong that I will not tolerate. It puts a negative spin on everyone else at the table so if they don't want to eat anything then fine but they can sit at the table with everyone else until we have finished the meal. I am quite truthful with parents and if a child hasn't eaten anything at dinner time I will make the parent aware and it's up to them if they want to go home and feed their child rubbish.
If I served chicken nuggets or pizza and chips every night I'm sure I would have very happy children.

xxx

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Originally Posted by MAWI

Totally agree. Definatley stuck between a rock and a hard place!

The Parents are very busy working professionals but certainly NOT struggling. Grandma helps out on the days I don't have them, they have a cleaner and a gardener. I'm just a long list of hired help, lol. I think it's all about convenience for food and it seems that her favourites are pizza, pasta and Hotdogs!!! Not something I will be providing every day. Can you imagine Ofsted!!

Well the result was she did not eat a lot. I did not provide an alternative. I took off the Yorkshire pudding. Mum did say give it a go but maybe she won't eat it( great definitive answer) she was left with meat, potatoes and vegetable which she has eaten before but refused.
I like to provide healthy and nutritious meals but what I call real meals, I.e Roast Dinner, shepherds Pies, lasagnes, variety of pasta, fish, salads, jacket potatoes etc... I try and vary it and ensure they have plenty of fruit and veg at snack and with meals.
I discussed all this with Mum when she started, showed my Menus and explained I do provide small treats at times and quick meals if we have been out such as Pizza or if we make them. I also got a list of likes and dislikes etc...

Anyway on collection, I explained to Mum what happened. She was not very happy because said child was saying"Mummy I'm hungry, I'm Hungry". I got told I get paid to feed her!!! And I should have just given her a Pizza and saved myself a load of hassle!! DEFINATELY CATCH 22!!! I said I was fed up with throwing good quality food away and pulled out my healthy eating policy and leaflets from my bumph that I had lying around. But maybe I should just give her Pizza not sure I can stand the stress, lol. Not sure she is happy but I think I will try and have a chat with her next week and see if we can come to a compromise. But it will not be Pizza everyday!!
Thanks for all your replies

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Seems to me you are providing foods she supposedly likes but the child is refusing to eat it, so you're doing what you're 'paid' to do. I wouldnt be happy if parent said such a thing