parent has emailed me with complaints :-(

[crunchy123]

I've had a complaint from a parent today. (actually series of complaints in one email when nothing has previously been mentioned and the parents have recommended me to others and praised us in the past). The child is a typical 2 year old, very bright, great character and has been coming for over a year, happy and developing well. has her typical toddler tantrums which often involve lots of screaming, wailing, foot stomping but never any tears just noise really usually this is when she is very overtired/hasn't slept well. Mum and dad have consistently agreed she's very stubborn and will often have a very extreme reaction to simple requests (e.g. please put that back or share etc.). her outbursts have been much less frequent over the last couple of months but when she is in that frame of mind will have little meltdowns on and off for most of the day. Mum and dad have different views on dummy use, with mum offering it at my front door at hometime regardless of whether it's asked for and dad has admitted that mum "drives him mad with it" as she always gives her it or backs down when she has tantrums. the girl doesn't have a dummy at all here or ask for it unless she's unwell. We use thinking time here and she is a child that prefers to calm herself down first and then come back to the group when she's ready (if I ask her if shes ready she will often say no if she feels she needs a bit more time and I regularly check in. This is an approach that seems to work for her (we had trial and error to find something that worked for her and she's quite switched on and knows when she wants space and when she wants comfort) and dad says they follow at home and at grandparents (although they have a fixed step that she's sent to for "time out"- here she chooses where she wants to go to think, often she will choose stairs or sit in the doorway of my kitchen). Today this wasn't working she was beyond tired and laid herself down at several points to rest as she knew this (she doesn't do naps or sleep at night). She had thinking time earlier this afternoon and began screaming til the point where she was retching and I mentioned this to dad as I said I was concerned she was going to make herself sick and wasn't sure if she was coming down with something or just run down so admitted I gave her her dummy half an hour before hometime as her usual approaches weren't working for her and she was becoming increasingly frustrated, rubbing eyes constantly, rolling on the floor, pulling blanket on her. Dad said she has had a difficult couple of days with sleep and behaviour but said he would have a word with her this evening re: her behaviour. I've had an email from mum stating she is concerned that her child is making herself sick due to my behaviour management methods and that it's too much for young children, she has also complained that her daughter's bum was sore which only happens when her nappies are sodden (nothing was noticed at her afternoon nappy change- no cream is ever provided and not soaked through etc. all children changed regularly, she'd only had wet nappies that day) (she says this is not the first time it's happened but hasn't mentioned anything previously) but has also expressed her concern that we provide water all day but juice only at mealtimes and she is concerned her daughter will not be drinking enough as she doesn't like water, despite me speaking to mum about how well she's taken to it recently, is helping herself to water now she can pour it and mum agreeing she can often sneak water in at home and whilst she'll pull a face she will drink it. she wants to arrange a meeting to discuss these issues, I'm not sure how to approach it all, it's my first complaint despite working with children for years and mum has never mentioned anything before so it just seems so out the blue. I also don't get how she can be concerned about her not drinking enough but her nappies being too wet. She obviously knows how often shes changed as she sends the nappies/wipes daily. I work with an assistant who is as much bewildered as I am and feeling very upset that if she's had issues before she hasn't even mentioned them, and that actually the things she's complained about are pretty much tantamount to me neglecting her basic needs. Not sure how best to broach it or how to reply, she wants a meeting but I would like everything in writing. We have really good relationships with parents, spending a good 10 mins chatting to each at pick up and drop offs, regular meet ups etc. I just feel like she has literally sat down and thought "and another thing I dont like about you......" as it's all come out at once despite nothing mentioned at drop off about past concerns.

[sarah707]

Take a breath and look at it from the outside for a moment ...

The mum has probably misunderstood what you told dad because she got it second hand - so she's reacting by protecting her child like most mums would - it can't be her daughter so it has to be you.

Treat it very professionally - write out the complaints - state what you do and how you do it - send a reply in writing within 28 days (requirement of the Eyfs) - ask her in for a meeting if she wants to discuss it in more depth.

Wait and see what happens next. Hugs xx

[crunchy123]

Take a breath and look at it from the outside for a moment ...

The mum has probably misunderstood what you told dad because she got it second hand - so she's reacting by protecting her child like most mums would - it can't be her daughter so it has to be you.

Treat it very professionally - write out the complaints - state what you do and how you do it - send a reply in writing within 28 days (requirement of the Eyfs) - ask her in for a meeting if she wants to discuss it in more depth.

Wait and see what happens next. Hugs xx

thank you. Im really upset about it to be honest as she's been coming so long, they've made no secret of the fact that they often find her lack of sleep challenging and the length of her tantrums but dad has always been really good and said they're happy to work with us and carry on at home and hes also told us him and mum disagree a lot of the time as he perhaps is a little harsh and mum is far too soft and gives in at everything. after sleeping on it I feel a bit in the middle, we haven't changed anything at all in the last year. I'm really upset about the nappy/drinks issue as either her child IS drinking and filling her nappy or she isn't. shes not a child we've ever had nappy issues with (rash, loose, concentrated urine due to lack of drinking etc) and I really didn't like the insinuation that we've basically not bothered to change her and this is a regular thing as she is changed as much as any other child hence her being sent home with fewer nappies than she comes with every day. Her child is happy to come here, in fact she wakes early (not liking sleep) gets her back and tantrums until they bring her as she wants to play with her friends. the other day mum picked up and without any upset, asking etc. she took dummy out the bag shoved it in the girls mouth and said "you'll be wanting that". So I'm now wondering if she actually just doesn't think she should be tantruming at all as I guess she won't see that anymore if a dummy is going in before it's even begun and that she thinks if she looks tired I should just regress to using a dummy to "plug her up". Feeling very shocked to be honest as it just seems to have come from nowhere.

[Maza]

It does sound to me like the mum felt defensive after what dad said and has acted in haste with her email. Dad probably added colour to what you said, as it seems that he agrees more with you than with mum, and so she probably felt a bit picked on and criticised. Not your fault - as Sarah said, she is hearing all of this second hand and she has just lashed out.

I think that once she sees how seriously and professionally you are taking this, she will calm down and might even feel a bit embarrassed. All of these things mum listed could be valid queries and definitely worth mentioning to a childminder, but the way in which a parent mentions them makes all the difference - it can sound like an everyday query where reassurance or clarification is just being sought or it can sound like a full blown complaint.

Take each point in turn, write up what you already do. Have this ready for when mum comes in to have her chat. You'll be able to gage how she is feeling more easily when you are face to face.

It does sound like mum and dad need to decide on how to move forward as a team with the behaviour of this little one.

Big hugs. x

[Simona]

Crunchy 123...it sounds like there are 'mixed messages' as in mum and dad's expectations vary on what they want...and you seem stuck in the middle....dummy use being an example.

Is the parent making a complaint or suggesting things be done differently? I always feel that every time one suggests something it gets turned into a complaint...it may not be so.
Ask her to break down her points so that you can address each one and treat it as a 'constructive suggestion to improve practice but also improve communication'...keep it positive