Need advice..should I give up??

**Alya** · 03-07-2015, 07:38 AM

Hi all.

I started minding a 3yo and 4 yo in my home 3 days ago. We had only been having small issues ie. the 4yo kept lying to get my son in trouble for different things. Yesterday my partner came home from work and the 3yo said to me "I don't like that man". When I asked her why she said that my partner hits her.

I was so shocked & I know its 100% NOT true because he has never been alone with them. My partner immediately became uncomfortable and insisted he stay in a different room to the children.

When the mum came back I took her aside and told her what happened & she started to laugh. She told me the child is always saying things like that but she knows its not true. She told me she gets the lying from the brother. The night before the brother had accused my next door neighbours little boy (who he hadn't even met) of calling him & his sister a B"*ch. I told her the 4yo had accused my son of the same that day. She continued to laugh & say "thats all part of the fantasy & storytelling"

My issues are
a) I was bringing what I felt was a serious issue to mum and was totally dismissed.
b) My partner & children feel uncomfortable with these children.
c) My gut is telling me this won't end well .

I feel a failure wanting to give up on day 3 but the protection & well-being of my family is my top priority.

I would love some advice please.

Thanks in advance.

**tess1981** · 03-07-2015, 10:06 AM

The gut feeling is normally the one thing you can rely on in this case. What a horrible situation to be in
My advice is document the conversation with mum and what child said and get mum to sign. Explain if it continues you won't be able to care for her children any more as this could lead to an investigation if the child told maybe a teacher when they start school.... you need to protect yourself and family

**lollipop kid** · 03-07-2015, 10:09 AM

Originally Posted by Alya

Hi all.

I started minding a 3yo and 4 yo in my home 3 days ago. We had only been having small issues ie. the 4yo kept lying to get my son in trouble for different things. Yesterday my partner came home from work and the 3yo said to me "I don't like that man". When I asked her why she said that my partner hits her.

I was so shocked & I know its 100% NOT true because he has never been alone with them. My partner immediately became uncomfortable and insisted he stay in a different room to the children.

When the mum came back I took her aside and told her what happened & she started to laugh. She told me the child is always saying things like that but she knows its not true. She told me she gets the lying from the brother. The night before the brother had accused my next door neighbours little boy (who he hadn't even met) of calling him & his sister a B"*ch. I told her the 4yo had accused my son of the same that day. She continued to laugh & say "thats all part of the fantasy & storytelling"

My issues are
a) I was bringing what I felt was a serious issue to mum and was totally dismissed.
b) My partner & children feel uncomfortable with these children.
c) My gut is telling me this won't end well .

I feel a failure wanting to give up on day 3 but the protection & well-being of my family is my top priority.

I would love some advice please.

Thanks in advance.

Alya, poor you!

Depending on your contract, hopefully you've got a settling in period? This allows you to terminate the contract immediately at any time during the settling in period without giving a reason.

(If you use PACEY contracts, look at the first bullet point under: "The registered childminder may terminate the contract immediately ..."

"* if the safety and wellbeing of the registered childminder, their children, or the children in their care are threatened by a parent(s)/guardian(s) or their child's behaviour." I would say that this "fantasy play" falls firmly within this area for your family.)

My advice to you would be that, before you terminate the contract, write up the incidents that you have included here on an incident form(s), get the mother to sign it/them, give her a copy and file yours.

Once you've done this, I would speak to my Development Officer locally, if you have one, and make them aware of this situation, and that you have covered yourself with a signed incident record. Then (the same evening/even early the next morning??), terminate the contract with immediate effect in writing. Be careful of the reason you give (if you give one). A call to your legal helpline just to reassure you might be a good idea, as well.

NOTE: You do not need to let Ofsted know - they'll only log it as a Safeguarding concern on your file, causing you even more stress.

Here's some wording that might help:

Dear x,

Thank you for choosing me as your childminder.

I am writing to inform you that, for personal reasons, I must terminate the childminding contract for each of x, and y's spaces with me, with immediate effect.

It has been a pleasure getting to know you and your family during this brief period, and I wish you well in your search for alternative childcare.

To make your search for alternative childcare as easy as possible, please find enclosed my cheque numbered xxx for £xx, which comprises a refund of your deposit of £xx, plus the advanced funds paid by you.

Best wishes,

Blah.

(I would refund any deposit and any advanced payments made to you for these spaces. Mention in your letter that you are doing so in order to make it as easy as possible for them to find alternative care. Often, if you withhold the deposit, people can get snotty/try to make trouble for you, etc., so I've found that in times of doubt, just refund and live on beans for a while! It's much safer for you in the long run!!!)

I sincerely hope it helps,

LK

As an aside, when children come to you needing urgent care, or if they're at an age where it just can't be their first time in childcare, ASK who has been looking after them until now. (You might find this very illuminating and you can then use any information gleaned in your decision-making process about whether or not to offer them a space.)

Good luck!

**Alya** · 03-07-2015, 10:46 AM

Thank you for your replies ladies.

I do know kids lie and its a part of the job but as you know reputation in this line of work is everything.
At my initial meeting with Mum, she explained they had been at a childminders and creche. She had only negative things to say about both.

That is a great point about documenting everything and having her sign it. Thank you for that draft lollipop kid.

I was just told by the 4yo that his sister told the parents that my partner is a bad man. My partner is such a great father/man, I'm sure this is hurting him and he can't relax in his own home.
I have not agreed a settling in period..but the contract states 2weeks notice must be given.
I'm such a chicken and am dreading this evenings conversation!

**Ripeberry** · 03-07-2015, 04:07 PM

The parent must be very

to not even realize that her kids are not doing 'fantasy' play. It's horrible and nasty.

**lollipop kid** · 03-07-2015, 04:55 PM

Hi, I've just read your post again. I am concerned about the mum's błase attitude. Do you think there might be a safeguarding issue at home?

I would record any existing marks on these children and complete a record of concerns, just in case. I would also put your safeguarding training to use.

Could it be that the child is trying to tell you something about some other man perhaps? If the child says: I don't like that man, repeat the words back to the child like a question, write down 'child said'; 'Childminder said' and see what else comes out. Child may be trying to disclose to you??

Good luck,

Lk

**agency12** · 07-07-2015, 11:33 AM

Just to protect yourself tell LADO and ofsted - get a statement from mum about what child says at home and witness statements from everyone - when ofsted come in to see your reports an unreported allegation will not go down well

Let the investigation run its course, sorry but safeguarding it whats it's all about

**JCrakers** · 07-07-2015, 12:25 PM

I agree in writing everything up...everything the child/ren have said.

I have worked with children for a long time and there no 'normal' reason that children would say this and make up malicious lies. And Mums attitude towards it is not a good platform to continue.
Children's imaginations include dragons and princesses, talking animals and all that kind of weird stuff...lol. Lies about your partner and saying the next door neighbour called him names and nasty comments about your partner isn't natural behaviour of children.

Document everything, get her to sign it (if she will...don't tell her about the end of contract) Talk to your Development Officer if you have one. Here we have a local number which we can ring if we have any concerns for ourselves.

**FussyElmo** · 07-07-2015, 04:23 PM

Originally Posted by Alya

Thank you for your replies ladies.

I do know kids lie and its a part of the job but as you know reputation in this line of work is everything.
At my initial meeting with Mum, she explained they had been at a childminders and creche. She had only negative things to say about both.

That is a great point about documenting everything and having her sign it. Thank you for that draft lollipop kid.

I was just told by the 4yo that his sister told the parents that my partner is a bad man. My partner is such a great father/man, I'm sure this is hurting him and he can't relax in his own home.
I have not agreed a settling in period..but the contract states 2weeks notice must be given.
I'm such a chicken and am dreading this evenings conversation!

What happened did you give notice?

**Alya** · 07-07-2015, 07:41 PM

Thank you for all the good advice.

I explained to the mum that I would have to terminate the contract and gave my 2 weeks notice in writing. I have everything logged.

I have decided that childminding at home is not for me. I still love caring for children so back to looking for a preschool job that seperates work from home life! I take my hat off to you ladies.

**agency12** · 07-07-2015, 09:05 PM

A child has made an allegation of harm, it needs to be reported and recorded - it will protect future cm's if it is a recurring theme - and there may be something underlying brought in from home and not reporting it just means it's going to keep happening The investigation needs to happen to finalise it and move on Sorry it didn't work out, but please draw a clean line under it

Especially if you want to continue in pre-school
you need to close this down in a professional way and move on - having an un-reported child safety allegation in your history will do untold damage to your career if left unresolved

**lollipop kid** · 08-07-2015, 06:51 AM

Originally Posted by Alya

Thank you for all the good advice.

I explained to the mum that I would have to terminate the contract and gave my 2 weeks notice in writing. I have everything logged.

I have decided that childminding at home is not for me. I still love caring for children so back to looking for a preschool job that seperates work from home life! I take my hat off to you ladies.

***Alya, I have sent you a new private message. If you want to read it, you'll need to delete your stored messages.***

All the best,

LK