What to do? I'm at my wits end!

**sophia36** · 06-12-2011, 04:48 PM

It's a bit of a long story but i'll try my best not to go on and on! I had a new child start with me in September. His mother told me that she thought he would probably take a while to settle in as he is quite highly strung. He had never been left with anyone before he came to me for the first time, not even his Dad or grandparents! The arrangements are that he comes to me for 3 full days a week. I meet his father at the school gates in the mornings and then drop him off in the afternoons at his house which is next to the school. I do not have any face to face contact with this little ones mum. My main gripes are
*I have now had this little one for over 3 months and he is not settling well at all. He seems very anxious and cries at the slightest thing. The phone ringing or another child offering him a toy is enough to start him crying and he is inconsoloble. Any ideas how to build his confidence, i hate to see him so distressed
* He has had a constant stream of colds and virus's since he started with me and he still comes even when he is clearly not well enough. his father always says that he is teething not ill. He comes most days dosed up with calpol, nurofen and quite often both. 3 weeks ago 2 of my 3 children ended up with an awful virus with very high temperatures that this little one had had the week before, again explained away as teething
* last week the mother phoned the evening before he was due to come to me saying that he had had a sickness bug on the friday but was better now. i explained the 48hour exclusion rule and she assured me he had been fine for over 48hours. When i collected him in the morning this little one's dad accused my daughter of spreading this bug to his entire family.( we had not even had bug!) This little one was cranky all week and on his last day of the week his dad explained that his wife still had bug and now had to send a stool sample. I was quite miffed that i had had their son cranky all week while his mum was at home but kept quiet yet again! Anyway my 2 younger ones ended up with the sickness bug all weekend which then spread to my husband as well. Needless to say i was unable to open my setting on monday morning and the parents of this little one were very cross that i had let them down
* his father is very arrogant and often extremely rude, i never answer back as i hate conflict and am unsure how to react.
* When i drop him off to his house in the evenings i often have to wait several minutes for his father to answer the door even though i can see him sitting on the sofa through the window!
Any advice on the best way to deal with these parents would be gratefully received, i'm at a complete loss as to what to do! I've been childminding for nearly 7 years and have never been in this situation before. what really gets my goat is that this woman used to be a childminder (only for 6 months though!)

Pipsqueak · 06-12-2011, 05:08 PM

Oh gosh hunny - it sounds like you are going to have to grow a set quickly:

Originally Posted by sophia36

It's a bit of a long story but i'll try my best not to go on and on! I had a new child start with me in September. His mother told me that she thought he would probably take a while to settle in as he is quite highly strung. He had never been left with anyone before he came to me for the first time, not even his Dad or grandparents! The arrangements are that he comes to me for 3 full days a week. I meet his father at the school gates in the mornings and then drop him off in the afternoons at his house which is next to the school. I do not have any face to face contact with this little ones mum. My main gripes are
*I have now had this little one for over 3 months and he is not settling well at all. He seems very anxious and cries at the slightest thing. The phone ringing or another child offering him a toy is enough to start him crying and he is inconsoloble. Any ideas how to build his confidence, i hate to see him so distressed

you NEED to see Mum and Dad and talk to them about settling consistency. what is he like at home, how do they deal with etc.
I think all you can keep doing is pretty much what you are doing - not feeding the 'fear' but reassurance and encouragement.
I think you need to get some clear goals in mind and stick them and a realistic time limit of getting this sorted.
I care for a LO who has NEVER been left with anyone in 2yrs... we are working along slowly.

* He has had a constant stream of colds and virus's since he started with me and he still comes even when he is clearly not well enough. his father always says that he is teething not ill. He comes most days dosed up with calpol, nurofen and quite often both. 3 weeks ago 2 of my 3 children ended up with an awful virus with very high temperatures that this little one had had the week before, again explained away as teething

if he has not had much outside contact then his resistance is going to be low.
I would not be happy that the child is constantly dosed up - this could be masking illnesses and I think I would be asking the parents to consider taking him to the docs - he may need anti'bs if this is not clearing up.
If he requires dosing for such a long period of time consider is he well enough to be with you
How old is the child?

* last week the mother phoned the evening before he was due to come to me saying that he had had a sickness bug on the friday but was better now. i explained the 48hour exclusion rule and she assured me he had been fine for over 48hours.

great - providing she isn't tellingm porkies.... its 48hrs FROM the LAST bout of D&V
When i collected him in the morning this little one's dad accused my daughter of spreading this bug to his entire family.( we had not even had bug!)
well I hope you told him so!

This little one was cranky all week and on his last day of the week his dad explained that his wife still had bug and now had to send a stool sample. I was quite miffed that i had had their son cranky all week while his mum was at home but kept quiet yet again!

send out a copy of your sickness policy with your next newsletter.

Anyway my 2 younger ones ended up with the sickness bug all weekend which then spread to my husband as well. Needless to say i was unable to open my setting on monday morning and the parents of this little one were very cross that i had let them down

in your newsletter explain clearly and firmly that you CANNOT and WILLNOT care for sick children as this puts other mindees at risk as well as yourself and family and its unfair to risk your income and other peoples childcare.

* his father is very arrogant and often extremely rude, i never answer back as i hate conflict and am unsure how to react.
you are NOT the hired help and you are a person - blooming well answer back and tell him not to treat you in such a manner

if he becomes so vile then you put it in a letter that you are not prepared to be spoken to in such a manner

* When i drop him off to his house in the evenings i often have to wait several minutes for his father to answer the door even though i can see him sitting on the sofa through the window!

knock loud, hard and looooonnnnnggggg and then joke 'oh I thought you might have a hearing problem! smiling sweetly

Any advice on the best way to deal with these parents would be gratefully received, i'm at a complete loss as to what to do! I've been childminding for nearly 7 years and have never been in this situation before. what really gets my goat is that this woman used to be a childminder (only for 6 months though!)

STOP letting this family walk all over you
You will end up hating them and your job
you are NOT a nurse nor the hired help
YOU are the boss of your own business so behave in such a fashion
Take control
Tell this arrogant man to get a grip and get out of your face - oh so nicely

and I would be calling a meeting with BOTH parents - a contract and paperwork review.

**Ripeberry** · 06-12-2011, 05:19 PM

I'd be giving them notice. No reason. They can't treat people like that and think they will just take it.

**sophia36** · 06-12-2011, 05:29 PM

Thanks guys I know you're right, just wanted confirmation that i wasn't just getting my knickers in a twist!

**EmmaReed84** · 06-12-2011, 05:42 PM

Originally Posted by Pipsqueak

Oh gosh hunny - it sounds like you are going to have to grow a set quickly:

STOP letting this family walk all over you
You will end up hating them and your job
you are NOT a nurse nor the hired help
YOU are the boss of your own business so behave in such a fashion
Take control
Tell this arrogant man to get a grip and get out of your face - oh so nicely

and I would be calling a meeting with BOTH parents - a contract and paperwork review.

Yeah! What she said!

lol the one thing I cannot abide is rude people. I worked in ashop for over 6 years and whenever a customer was rude to me I would tell them to change their behaviour towards me or leave... I always gained their respect for standing up for myself. You NEED to do the same... Have you ever seen cool runnings? "I see pride, I see power, I see a bad ass mother who dont take no c**p off of nobody" Love it!!!!

**candy cat** · 06-12-2011, 07:05 PM

er give notice.....

**ja8estar** · 07-12-2011, 07:47 AM

I had a ding dong yesterday with a rude dad
he thinks Im the hired help
When he had finished being rude I reminded him
This is MY Home
I am MY boss
I choose to work with YOU not for YOU
after I said this he left very quickly
mums lovely
dad is a complete donkey

stick to your guns

**ziggy** · 07-12-2011, 08:25 AM

If it's not gonna affect your finances too much i would give notice

If you want to continue with child I would ask for meeting with both parents and discuss issues

Good luck, must say i had a child like that a year ago, always unhappy, wasnt used to mixing, always on calpol. She cried constantly one day at toddler group so i took her to her Daddy's office and we decided Busy Tots wasnt for her. Strangely enough she didnt like new minder either or her pre-school group (too noisey)

**ziggy** · 07-12-2011, 08:26 AM

Oh and as for being kept at door, i would knock once, wait 2mins then take child home again and text for Daddy to collect, how v v rude!!!!!!!

**Bushpig** · 07-12-2011, 08:30 AM

Originally Posted by Ripeberry

I'd be giving them notice. No reason. They can't treat people like that and think they will just take it.

I'd give notice. Now.

**sophia36** · 07-12-2011, 12:18 PM

Thanks for all the great advice. I'm definately going to toughen up. Have written a very strongly worded letter about sickness including a quote from the EYFS. I'm also going to tackle him over taking so long to answer the door, I think i may ring him from my mobile if he takes longer than a minute! It makes me feel very unappreciated. I would like to be able to carry on working for this family as their daughter is in my daughters class at school. I don't want to make things awkward for her.
As for this little one troubling to settle in I'm thinking of changing my approach with him. For the last few weeks i have been able to console him when he gets into a state by picking him up, he will stop crying immediately. However i now have a problem in that he now cries whenever i put him down!. I had him attatched to me for about 6 hours yesterday! I'm now thinking that i need to pop him down to play as soon as he is calm and try and ignore his crying for me to pick him up. I'm finding it a real issue as i have 3 little ones to look after all just over 12 months old. I'm finding my job very similar to crisis managenment at moment. I'm determined to get him to settle as the other 2 are really happy and I would love him to join in and enjoy his time with me. Any thoughts?

**peppa Pig** · 07-12-2011, 04:56 PM

I find with screamers you just make it worse by constantly picking them up. I start off with picking up, then on my knee, then on the floor next to me, gradually moving away to build confidence.To begin with I take them with me when I leave the room (if possible them walking holding my hand) then let them follow me, slowly building up to them letting me out of their sight.
lots of reassuring happy chatter and distractions as much as possible.

Treat dad like you would a misbehaving child, no nonsense and he will soon get the message!