Still Constantly crying!!!!!

[maryp0ppins]

Well what a week I had last week, new mindee (nearly 8 months) did NOT stop crying until being held!!

It didn't ease up all week if anything it got worst. Fully open with mum told her her days were mostly cries as I have 2 others to mind, 1 is 7 months 1 is 3.9yrs so cannot physically pick her up from 8am-6pm.

She only stops when asleep (where she is now)

Dad drops her off every morning & today I asked how's the weekend been, He plonked her into my arms & said same as normal 'about 23 out of 24 hours of crying, unless picked up of course'

He looked shattered & said 'she's spoiled her & hoping you can sort her out'.............

I was lost for words & just smiled

She does not let up EVER even cries between mouthfuls of her food & I am adamant I'm not feeding her on my lap!!!!

[Adiamond]

Aww bless you, I know exactly how you feel. My mindee started with me at 10 months and he just cried and cried and cried wanting me to constantly be picking him up. I tried to ignore as much as I possibly could but it nearly drove me around the bend
He did this for 2 and a half weeks I used to dread him coming as soon as I opened the door he screamed I was ready to give notice as like you I had other mindees here too.

And then one day I opened the door to the biggest smile in the world he launched himself into my arms and from that day on we had no more crying

Now he is in such a good routine whilst he is here, he is such a happy chappy

I would stick to your guns and don't pick up when baby cries I am sure it will pass very soon I hope

Good luck x x

[marnieb]

It's awful, but it will eventually pass. It might take a few months tho, so be prepared for it to take that long. You know why she's doing it, so be strong and only pick her up when she stops crying!!

And it might be worth having a word with mum, and see if you can get her on board to not spoil her so much at home.... I know it's hard especially if she's their one and only!!

[Toothfairy]

I feel for you as I am going through the same thing with one of my mindees.
He has been coming to me two mornings a week since august and he still spends most of his time crying unless he is sitting on my lap or being carried around by me.

I have tried everything in the book but nothing seems to help. I am now on the verge of giving notice.

Let me know if you find the magic answer

[maryp0ppins]

Thanks ladies.......

It drove me to tears last week & I'm not the sort of person that gets upset really.

I know it has to pass (hopefully soon ) as I mind her 4 full days a week & after Xmas Mon-Fri all day

It's not that she doesn't like me because as soon as i pick her up she's smiling & cuddling me. If she didnt like me she wouldn't be doing that.

I feel so sorry for the others that I mind.

I know you've all been through it or similar so thanks for your support.

(PS sleep time again that's why I'm on here for a bit of normality)

[candy cat]

can i join the club No seriously I extended settling in but,today I have had enough.....6 hours solid loud crying so far....no other child can go near her as gets louder! I am thinking of giving notice as unsettling and draining for eveyone!

[Penny1959]

Maybe going to rock the boat here - but can't believe that minded children are being left to cry - or only picked up if stopped crying.

I am hoping that I have misunderstood the posts - but if I haven't here goes.

It is my opinion that whatever the reason the child is crying for - there is a reason - even if the reason is that used to being picked up all the time.

Naturally as busy childminders we can not carry children around all day - but we should help these children adjust to the situation that they find themdelves in - not just let them cry (child could end up with long term issues with self esteem and insecure attachments).
I have had children who have cried loudly and constantly when first start but careful planning of day (reducing outings to minimum and having lots of free play / activities that I do not have to directly supervise/ preparing meals as much as possible before start of minding day and so on) means that I have been able to sit on the floor and play with the children, giving them time to get to know me and the routines of my setting. I do of course sometimes have to leave the room to go to the toilet or attend to another childs needs - but limit these as much as possible - and praise the child verbally and with a cuddle when I return to the room -just for being without me (even if did scream)

Just for the record all the children that I have cared for have settled and stopped crying within a couple of weeks. Leaving them to cry is not the only option.

Penny

[youarewhatyoueat]

I think it sounds as if something else may be going on, parents are getting stressed out with it.
I would suggest you take a look at the attachment parent theories and may be worth suggesting cranial osteopathy to try to relax the child.

[Toothfairy]

Penny1959- I do not leave mindees to cry.

He cries if put into highchair for lunch, he cries if put on the playmat with his toys even if I am sitting on the floor with him, he cries if I have to put him down to change another mindees nappy etc etc.

If he is in my arms and he even feels me going to put him down he starts crying even before it happens, the same if sitting on my lap, as soon as I make a move to put him down he cries.

There are no tears when he cries and its not just with me, he is the same with his father. The only person he does not do it with is the mum. I think it is because he is carried around on her hip all day.

You are very lucky that all your mindees have settled easily, I have been CMing for 4 years, have 4 children & 2 grandchildren of my own and have never had this problem before.

I can asure you I do not leave mindees to cry.

[blue bear]

Ask mum what she does? Does she think children have to be carried around all the time? if so is she happy with this or does she need help to re-address the balance.

I had a child whose dad carried constantly and with guidance i was able to help him learn how to play alongside etc until child did not need picking up constantly.

I've also had another parent who thought her children should be carried constantly and had no problem with it, I started off carrying like mum then weened child off constant carrying slowly, mum did not mind me putting her child down to play but chose not to do it herself.

It is exhausting but it's great when child finally crawls off to play!!!

[candy cat]

penny.......quite easy to judge isn't it!!!

I have read through all the posts and No one has suggested not picking up or cuddling a child in distress..... the way you go on is as if we just shove the children in a corner to scream! We were all just looking for some friendly advice from fellow professionals thats all!

[Penny1959]

Penny1959- I do not leave mindees to cry.

He cries if put into highchair for lunch, he cries if put on the playmat with his toys even if I am sitting on the floor with him, he cries if I have to put him down to change another mindees nappy etc etc.

If he is in my arms and he even feels me going to put him down he starts crying even before it happens, the same if sitting on my lap, as soon as I make a move to put him down he cries.

There are no tears when he cries and its not just with me, he is the same with his father. The only person he does not do it with is the mum. I think it is because he is carried around on her hip all day.

You are very lucky that all your mindees have settled easily, I have been CMing for 4 years, have 4 children & 2 grandchildren of my own and have never had this problem before.

I can asure you I do not leave mindees to cry.

Toothfairy - pleased to hear that you do not leave mindees to cry - as I said in my first post I hoped I had misunderstood. Please except my apologies for my misunderstanding and my reassurance that my post was not directed at you or anyone in particular - just the comments about mindees spending much of the day crying.

You may already be aware of the attachment theory - if not it maybe worth looking into - as maybe the route cause of your mindees crying.

Penny

[Penny1959]

penny.......quite easy to judge isn't it!!!

I have read through all the posts and No one has suggested not picking up or cuddling a child in distress..... the way you go on is as if we just shove the children in a corner to scream! We were all just looking for some friendly advice from fellow professionals thats all!

Afraid I must have read different posts to you - as a couple did mention not picking up the child if crying as their advice to original poster.

I was not judging - I was offering my advice based on methods that have worked for me and from my studies/ training on attachment theory.

It could be that some are not familar with attachment theories and therefore may like to do their own research which could help ease the distress the crying causes to themselves, the other mindees and the child concerned.

I am sorry if I offended some and some thought my post to be judgemental rather than advice. That was not my intention - however it goes to show how we all read posts differently. I read some previous comments negatively and you read mine negatively.

Penny

[francinejayne]

I do not leave mindees to cry.

He cries if put into highchair for lunch, he cries if put on the playmat with his toys even if I am sitting on the floor with him, he cries if I have to put him down to change another mindees nappy etc etc.

If he is in my arms and he even feels me going to put him down he starts crying even before it happens, the same if sitting on my lap, as soon as I make a move to put him down he cries.

Ooh this is/was my mindee! He is an absolute sweetie and very cute, and I get on great with his parents, which is a complete blessing because at times it has been so hard work! I've had him since August, and he is getting better, he will happily play on the floor as long as I am very close by. I can't yet go to the other side of the room without him getting upset, but we're working on it!

I started by cuddling him whilst sitting on the floor so that he was free to crawl away to play if he wanted to. Gradually he would move away from me a tiny bit. Then after a while I put him in between my legs rather than on my knee. Then after a while of this I sat him next to me rather than in between my legs.

Sometimes he will now leave my side if there is something that he wants to play with not too close by (I make sure I sit away from all the exciting toys etc so that he has to leave my side if he wants them!).

It is still hard though as I can't do this all day - when it is time for lunch or I need to see to another child he cries! And like you say, there are no tears - it is most definitely an angry cry!!!

I feel that it has been a slow process but we are hopefully getting there!

Good luck, you have my sympathies!

[glitzygal]

In my experience you have the happy go lucky ones and the cryers.

this is natural, my first day with one today and she cryed , even when i talked to her, pick her up, sit with her, there was honestly nothing i could do to comfort her, so i walked around and carried on doing things, and she just watched me, she stopped for a while and would start again, high pitched scream, @6.30 to about 8.00 so my ears were ringing.

when it was dinner time she sat in chair and started to cry again, oh twice she made herself sick while crying and screaming.

she then in afternoon, walked about a bit, and i talked to her saying do you want this and that, she didnt say much being polish , she dont speak much english.


but she seemed to calm down and i carried on,, seemed like the more i wanted to fuss her she didnt want to, but i am hopeful that tommorrow will bring a better lower pitch scream,,


you did all you could, like US ALL, and you will see a difference the longer they come.

keep smiling , i do,

[Heaven Scent]

I didn't read any posts as advising MaryPoppins to leave the child to cry - i am very aware of the attachment thoery as I am a former Childcare Lecturer and have discussed the thoeries of the early educators, child psycologists and child phiosophers and it was never their beliefs that we should encourage a child to be totally dependant on adult attention 100% of their day - they wrote so that we would understand the attachment thoery and understand how to make children reduce their dependance on adults not so that we would continue an unhealthy and unhelpful attachment.

Young children learn through self discovery and not through being held - yes children do need to be cuddled and reassured especially in the eary days of being placed in childcare and most children adapt easily but some children are very used to being held for a vairety of reasons 1) because they need reassurance 2) because they have needy or fearful mothers who smother them 3) they may have been ill or have had other needs in their early days either way they need to break the habbit for their own benefit and this often takes a great deal of time and it does take it toll on the carer and other children in their care and sometimes a little bit of well controlled and closely supervised crying is what is needed and please note I said a little bit - I mean that every day you need to move the goal post.

We all know that young children need rest during the day to re-charge their batteries and these children who need all this extra attention need as much rest as other children and often don't get it because of their reluctance to separate from their carers which makes matters worse as the child and carer become exhausted - I have worked with a few children with this problem and have even have one work himself up so much that he would throw up all over me while I held him. I find if I can get my (for the want of a better word) Screamers to sleep for even half an hour and then eat they are happier children - I will go to various lengths to get them to sleep - even if it means rocking them in a buggy or pram for up to an hour and then gradually reduce it even I never had much success with rocking them in my arms and putting them down but in the first couple of days of attendance I will rock them in my arms and let them sleep there once any other children in my care are resting and while I tend to those other children the neediest and loudest will just have to wait even if it means they scream while they wait so be it they are no more important than any one of the other children in my care and those other children should only expect to put up with that child having so much of my undivided attention.

OK rant over !!!!!! Its hard - very bloomin' hard but nobody ever said it wouldn't be did they??????????

[candy cat]

Brilliant heaven scent!! Thanks for the advice very helpful

[Adiamond]

When I gave my advice to marypoppins I felt I could give her some good advice coming from myself who has JUST gone through the exact same thing.

I gave my opinion on what worked for me and my mindee.
Mindee cried but like the others said it was just noise no tears and the more I spoke to lo the worse he became even more so when I had picked him up and then tried putting him down again it was like going round in circles........ Lo cries, I pick up, I put down, lo cries more, this doesn't get you anywhere.
That is why I suggested sticking to your guns and and not to pick up when baby cries I never suggested baby was to be LEFT TO CRY.

As I said before and others have said after me that after lo's have got over this they are sooo happy and content.

What more can I say I certainly do not leave children or babies to cry.

[maryp0ppins]

Maybe going to rock the boat here - but can't believe that minded children are being left to cry - or only picked up if stopped crying.
Minded children are not just left to cry or only picked up if stoppedI am hoping that I have misunderstood the posts - but if I haven't here goes.

It is my opinion that whatever the reason the child is crying for - there is a reason - even if the reason is that used to being picked up all the time.

Naturally as busy childminders we can not carry children around all day - but we should help these children adjust to the situation that they find themselves in - not just let them cry I don't just let them cry, the mindee cries after thought out planned activities to keep them stimulated(child could end up with long term issues with self esteem and insecure attachments).
I have had children who have cried loudly and constantly when first start but careful planning of day (reducing outings to minimum and having lots of free play / activities that I do not have to directly supervise/ preparing meals as much as possible before start of minding day and so on) means that I have been able to sit on the floor and play with the children, giving them time to get to know me and the routines of my setting. I do of course sometimes have to leave the room to go to the toilet or attend to another child's needs - but limit these as much as possible -I refuse to limit the other mindee's needs, as a group here we are all equal & I believe that's only fair...I'd hate the thought of my child being forgotten about because other children are more prone to crying and praise the child verbally and with a cuddle when I return to the room -just for being without me (even if did scream)

Just for the record all the children that I have cared for have settled and stopped crying within a couple of weeks. Leaving them to cry is not the only option.Penny

& leaving them to cry is NOT my option but sometimes I cannot physically help the situation so crying happens!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[maryp0ppins]

When I gave my advice to marypoppins I felt I could give her some good advice coming from myself who has JUST gone through the exact same thing.

I gave my opinion on what worked for me and my mindee.
Mindee cried but like the others said it was just noise no tears and the more I spoke to lo the worse he became even more so when I had picked him up and then tried putting him down again it was like going round in circles........ Lo cries, I pick up, I put down, lo cries more, this doesn't get you anywhere.
That is why I suggested sticking to your guns and and not to pick up when baby cries I never suggested baby was to be LEFT TO CRY.

As I said before and others have said after me that after lo's have got over this they are sooo happy and content.

What more can I say I certainly do not leave children or babies to cry.

Thanks jessiebessie, I read your advise I know your understanding where I'm coming from...Has been a tough day today but I had 30 mins of lo playing with me sat right next to her instead of on my lap.....I was so excited...Hopefully one day at a time she will go for longer spells of play & eventually not need my constant physical attention