need to let off steam and have a moan

**5uper5tar** · 19-09-2009, 12:40 PM

I look after many after school children. Yesterday I had a new starter, an absolutely smashing little girl who was very happy and comfortable with me but a little nervous when it came to picking my older children up from school (shes only 4). 2 of the children i look after are brothers, one is nearly 11 and one is nearly 10. They are both, and have always been challenging children in as much as that they are very streetwise and if left in the wrong hands you just know they would go off the rails and be smoking and drinking in no time (and im not exaggerating, i know that the one was encouraged to try smoking aged 7 by his horrible father who they are now estranged from.) They have had a difficult upbringing but the mother is fantastic and does the very best for them. I have had many occasions on which i have been at the receiving end of these 2 boys mood swings. The eldest is the most troublesome. He can be very sweet and endearing at times but it is usually short lived and usually to get his own way about something. I have the patience of a saint and am very strong and have been proud to see these boys become more polite nad helpful as they have been with me but after over a year of looking after them yesterday was the straw that nearky broke my back. Walking home from schoool with the new little one I had introduced her to them all and explained to them thta she was very nervous and to be super nice and friendly. Eldest one stomped home in a vile mood about something giving off general bad/scary vibe, youngest boy then taunted him about something to which eldest replied 'what the hell'. I snapped at him....'errrm excuse me, you watch your mouth please, i find that very inappropriate.' To which he replied (muttered) 'why dont you go walk into a wall.' he did a lot more as well that i cant tell you all of it, kicking walls, just general horrible behaviour. When we got home I settled the new girl to play out of ear shot and I did go quite mad at the children for being so awful, eventually they apologised although it was rather unconvincing. I then made our snack as I usually do, called all the childern for snack. I felt a pat at my side to find new starter in floods of tears and saying she didnt want to eat with them because they scared her. I let her eat in the lounge to calm down and then her Mum picked her up. On top of this, the boys (yobbish) mates then started calling for them at MY house to come out and play. I said no way and i didnt want them coming again....to get a whole new set of mutterings stamping around being vile.
It was just such an awful afternoon, I feel so bad and like i just want to get rid of them!!!!I dont deserve to be treated like this and neither do the other very well behaved children ion my care. I dont want to just give up on them but I want to protect me and my reputation as a business at the same time. How should I deal with them, does anyone have any soothing words of wisdom to help me? x

**sarah707** · 19-09-2009, 01:15 PM

Sorry you are going through this. Such behaviour is, as you say, unacceptable.

Both the Eyfs and the Childcare Registers say that you must not allow older children's behaviour impacts on the little ones... this usually means giving notice if older children threaten the happiness or quality of lives of small people in your care.

Children in the Eyfs must come first.

Maybe a threat of that will be enough to keep the boys in line but you must follow through if you feel a little one is being affected.

I am sure you manage their behaviour effectively using positive techniques, praise where possible etc. Perhaps a course or a book might help you to re-focus and find new strength to deal with things.

I hope this helps.

Welcome to the forum!

**sweets** · 19-09-2009, 02:25 PM

i don't like it when you hear of people 'giving up' on children but in this case i don't think you have a choice! i would be serving notice straight away, their behaviour and attitude is affecting other children in your care and its not fair.

Sorry if thats not want you wanted to hear, but i have a feeling that it probably is.

**Tatjana** · 19-09-2009, 03:27 PM

They sound like a handful and then some. I feel so sorry for you new little mindee she must have been terrified, bless her.

Sorrry, i haven't any advice other then if you feel you've done all you can and it's not working perhaps a warning if behaviour doesn't improve you will give notice.

xx

**helenlc** · 19-09-2009, 08:52 PM

I felt like you with the 3 yr old disruptive child I had. I felt that I was "giving up" on him but I had come to the end of my patience and I am a very patient person. But his behaviour was affecting my own children, my poor husband when he came in from work to a tantruming child and the other children in my care.

If you feel that they are having a negative impact on your setting, then you need to consider giving notice. Explain to mum that you no longer feel that your setting is appropriate for them and that you are giving notice.

Dont look at it as "giving up" - look at it that they have out grown your setting and may benefit from going to someone/somewhere else.

Sending hugs as I have been there too. I would add that the relief is immense afterwards - my setting is so much calmer and everyone is more relaxed and not on egg shells anymore.

**miffy** · 19-09-2009, 08:58 PM

Sorry you're having a rough time atm.

From what you've said about these children's behaviour I don't think anyone could accuse you of "giving up on them". It seems they are taking all the pleasure out of the job for you and putting you at risk of losing other mindees.

Sending hugs and hope you manage to reach a decision soon, don't feel guilty though if you decide to give notice - as you said yourself you don't deserve to be treated like this.

Miffy xx

**DCMS** · 19-09-2009, 10:19 PM

I felt like you with a 9yr old and his 5yr old sister. They were so rude, disrespectful and nasty to other mindees. I didnt want to 'give up' on them as I knew other CMs had. I had to in the end as I dreaded them coming and couldnt wait for them to be collected. Soon after I found out he'd been expelled from school for his behaviour so knew if they couldn't cope I had no chance. Once they'd gone the guilt lasted a very short time before the relief kicked in and life is much happier. Think of yourself and other mindees. Good luck x

**ORKSIE** · 19-09-2009, 10:22 PM

Ypu are not giving up on them...I like so many others have been in the positionn Put yourself first!
You will, i, promise feel so much better!

**wendywu** · 19-09-2009, 10:33 PM

They will effect your business in the long run. If that poor little girl ends up in tears too much then her mum will remove her.

As Sarah says she must come first.

**singlewiththree** · 20-09-2009, 08:04 AM

Have you made a decision?

Like Sarah said you can only look after over 8's if their behaviour doesn't affect the little ones. Do you have a behaviour policy? If you have one with that in then I put in mine that in this case if the safety of the other children are at stake then I have the right to terminate with immediate effect. I would have a word with mum and give a formal written warning that the children and mum has to sign. I also have a behaviour agreement where if I have this problem the older ones write up how they will behave, we go through it and we both sign it, kind of like a contract. I also write on there that the penalty is termination of contract.

good luck