Mindee's mum has given notice but i think she's making a huge mistake (sorry-long)

[Rainy]

I will give you a little bit of background info first.

I met a lovely lady at my DS school 6 years ago and my DS was good friends with her DS. We have had a really good friendship ever since. She became pregnant with her second DS and she asked me if i would look after him.

At the time i wasn't a childminder but thought it would be a nice job to get into so i done all the relevant training etc and began caring for her son when he was five months old.

Things have always worked well between us and have never let our friendship interfere with our business relationship.

Jump forward 5 years. Mindee started school last September and obviously the amount of hours i had him were reduced to before and after school. This has still worked well for us.

My friend has a younger sister who looks after her older DS before and after school and has done for years (she is not a registered childminder) but from September he will be at secondary school and she will no longer need her sister (who she pays) to care for him. so the sister decided that to replace the older one she would look after the younger DS (my mindee) so she was still earning a bit of money (can't believe she charges to care for her nephew but that is a another story)

Anyway the problem is her sister has a drinking problem. I wouldn't go as far as saying she was a alchoholic but once she starts drinking she doesn't know when to stop and has, on a number of ocassions turned up at the school drunk. I have begged and pleaded with my friend not to send him to her sister because i don't think he will be safe but she didn't feel she could say no to her sister. We have had numerous conversations about this and she has told me many times how her sister was drunk when she would arrive to pick up her older DS. My mindee is not yet 5 years old and can be a bit of a handful and i am terrified she will not be in a fit state to care for him properly. They walk home from school so he could easily run into the road and she probably wouldn't even notice. When she drinks she becomes very aggressive and basically crashes out after a while leaving her own 3 kids to fend for themselves (the youngest one only being 15 months old)

I have asked my friend to think very carefully about this and to put the welfare of her DS first before her sisters feelings but today she turned up with my notice letter. I feel like i have failed and i know i will spend the whole time worrying when he is picked up from school by her.

Sometimes i feel like i want to report her to the school for turning up drunk but then they would get social services involved and my friend would know that it was me who complained because i go on about it so much. I think her sister is a disgrace and shouldn't be in charge of her own kids let alone somebody elses when she's been drinking.

Sorry for rambling on for so long. I don't think our friendship is going to cope with this, i am so dissappointed with her for putting her sisters feelings over her sons welfare. I feel like i have not only lost my mindee but also my best friend.

[Pipsqueak]

How awful for you and potentially worrying.
Sadly there is nothing you can do really, apart from try to keep the lines of communciation open for the friend to come back to.

[angeldelight]

I understand your concerns and I think you are a good friend to your friend

I think your friend is being loyal to her sister and prob does not really want to admit all the things that you are saying about her - she is her sister after all

I also understand that you are upset

Personally though I would take a step back now

You have tried and your friend is not listening to you so you have to let her do what she sees fit - even if it is the wrong move

I do think though that if your friends sister has all these problems then I can not see the little boy lasting long with her

I think my main concern here would be for the safety of the children - you have to do what is right here

I think your friend is really going to need your support and friendship so dont give up on her just yet

She loves her sister and at the moment feels that she is doing the right thing

She is going to need you though I feel

Angel xx

[Blaze]

Now this is where some people would call me harsh....but the way I see it it is a simple safeguarding issue...I would report the sister to SS for being drunk whilst in charge of minors...end of! I could never forgive myself if something happened to either her 3 kids or the mindee, because I failed to act (ie report)...the thought of a 15 month old being cared for by 2 older kids fills me with horror!

[angeldelight]

Now this is where some people would call me harsh....but the way I see it it is a simple safeguarding issue...I would report the sister to SS for being drunk whilst in charge of minors...end of! I could never forgive myself if something happened to either her 3 kids or the mindee, because I failed to act (ie report)...the thought of a 15 month old being cared for by 2 older kids fills me with horror!

I guess though that if this is the case it will not take long for her to be reported anyway

I can not see something like this going unnoticed - well I hope not anyway

Angel xx

[Blaze]

Itseems though that it has gone unoticed if she has been caring for the elder brother for years IYSWIM?

[angeldelight]

Itseems though that it has gone unoticed if she has been caring for the elder brother for years IYSWIM?

Oh yes just read it back

Well if she was turning up drunk to school why is no one reporting this ? I just can not believe if this has been going on for years that no one has reported her
Are the children neglected ?

Angel xx

[Blaze]

Oh yes just read it back

Well if she was turning up drunk to school why is no one reporting this ? I just can not believe if this has been going on for years that no one has reported her
Are the children neglected ?

Angel xx

At our local schools we don't see the teachers or any staff at collection time...& all the parent's are in their own little cliques...so if it the same there then it's possible the only person that has talked to her/paid any notice of the sister is the OP...?

[angeldelight]

At our local schools we don't see the teachers or any staff at collection time...& all the parent's are in their own little cliques...so if it the same there then it's possible the only person that has talked to her/paid any notice of the sister is the OP...?

Oh now at our school the head walks around saying hello to everyone - nothing gets past him ha ha

Yeah I see what you mean though if the school is like yours

Its not good anyway is it poor kids

Angel xx

[Rainy]

Thankyou for your replies.

In the junior part of the school we do not see the teachers. Her eldest daughter goes to secondary and her middle one is in Juniors so the teachers do not see her. When she picks up mindee from infants she will see teachers but not really close enough for them to realise she is drunk.

She is really aggressive when drunk and a lot of people including her friends and sister ( i think) are scared of her so no one will say anything. I have told her myself that she stinks of booze and shouldn't be in the school like that but she just started mouthing off so i walked away.

She is actually quite a nice person when sober although a bit loud, but awful when drunk which is more often than not.

I heard she had a row with another mother the other day when she was drunk and there was a lot of swearing going on in the school grounds but most of the mothers and children had left by this point so not many witnesses. Don't know if the other women complained tho.

[Blaze]

I really think you have no option but to report her to SS...you can mention the incident with the other mother ...they won't know it's you...especially if there has recently been an incedent...personally in this instance I wouldn't care if they knew it was me who reported her! As I have said before...could you live with yourself if something happened to one of the LO's?

[Blaze]

PS You are actually doing all a favour by reporting it...even the sister...it may force her to face up to her problem & get the help needed.

[Pedagog]

I would phone Social Services for advice, they will almost certainly want you to report her.

[Cazz]

I think it's a really difficult situation but I'm with Blaze on this - I couldn't help but think about what could happen to the children.

Whatever you decide to do though please don't turn your back on your friend as she'll probably need you to help pick up the pieces. It's just a shame that she's going to uproot her son when he's settled with you after all this time and then will quite probably end up coming back to you (hopefully).

Good luck and let us know how it all turns out.

Carole x

[Rainy]

MY friend told me she has spoken to her sister about the drinking and asked her not to drink on the days she would look after her DS and her sister agreed. To be honest i don't think she did say it because she wouldn't have to courage to speak to her sister like that and she only said it to me for my benefit so i wouldn't worry.

My friend is terrified of her sister although she won't admit it. Every time they have a family gathering her sister kicks off about something and one time even spat in my friends face.

If my sister done that to me i probably wouldn't speak to her again.

Maybe i will make a point of letting other people know at school when she turns up drunk and they will go and report her.

[Pedagog]

Maybe i will make a point of letting other people know at school when she turns up drunk and they will go and report her.

Problem then is that it will just get back to your friend that you are a gossip.

[Cazz]

MY friend told me she has spoken to her sister about the drinking and asked her not to drink on the days she would look after her DS and her sister agreed. To be honest i don't think she did say it because she wouldn't have to courage to speak to her sister like that and she only said it to me for my benefit so i wouldn't worry.

My friend is terrified of her sister although she won't admit it. Every time they have a family gathering her sister kicks off about something and one time even spat in my friends face.

If my sister done that to me i probably wouldn't speak to her again.

Maybe i will make a point of letting other people know at school when she turns up drunk and they will go and report her.

That's one way - isn't there a teacher that you could approach and ask them to keep an eye on her? Say something along the lines that you just feel concerned when you see her with the children some days - you don't have to mention the drinking, they should be able to see that for themselves. Surely if they are releasing a pupil to someone who is noticably drunk they have a duty as professionals to report her?

I just can't understand why, if your friend is that scared of her sister, she would leave her small child with her who could also become terrified. My kids come before anyone and anything and I would rather turn my back on an adult family member than expose one of them to a possibly dangerous situation!

Hope this all works out well.

Carole x

[Rainy]

That's one way - isn't there a teacher that you could approach and ask them to keep an eye on her? Say something along the lines that you just feel concerned when you see her with the children some days - you don't have to mention the drinking, they should be able to see that for themselves. Surely if they are releasing a pupil to someone who is noticably drunk they have a duty as professionals to report her?

I just can't understand why, if your friend is that scared of her sister, she would leave her small child with her who could also become terrified. My kids come before anyone and anything and I would rather turn my back on an adult family member than expose one of them to a possibly dangerous situation!

Hope this all works out well.

Carole x

Thats the thing though, she couldn't pluck up the courage to tell her sister that he would stay with me. She knew her sister would have a go at her. She actually agrees with me but couldn't say no to her sister. Her sister only wants to look after him so bad because she is a bit hard up and wants the money to buy alchohol. I really don't think my friend is actually doing her sister any favours

One of the teachers is aware of the situation but has yet to witness it herself. At the moment the sister only comes up the school occasionaly as she lets her 8 year old walk home alone but she will be up there more often when she picks mindee up

[Blaze]

I can only reiterate again that I think you should report the sister to SS...I don't think passing the buck to other's in the playground / the teacher is enough...what if they pass the buck too & hope that someone else has the courage to do the right (though I admit) hard thing.

[angeldelight]

I just can not understand why your friend is being so loyal to her sister this is not helping her at all

Is your friend scared of her sister ?

At first I thought she was just being really loyal and trying to help her sister but the more I read about how her sister is the more I think it is not right

I dont think you get leave this though and think you may have to report it or make someone else aware of it so its not left to you to do it

Good luck let us know what happens

Angel xx