My own boy and my mindee won't stop fighting !
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  1. #1
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    Question My own boy and my mindee won't stop fighting !

    Hello,

    Desperately in need of help!

    I've just started childminding and took on a wee boy the same age as my wee man (2.5). Initially I thought it would be fantastic and they would be great friends. However I spend the whole time separating them because they are fighting, usually over a toy! My boy doesn't like him playing with anything in the house and whenever he sees him playing with a toy he immediately goes over and snatches it from him. My mindee has become wise to this and doesn't let my boy bully him so they end up in an actual physical fight! It's really horrendous and stressful for me because I have to be on guard for this happening the whole time so I can nip it in the bud and literally can't look away for a second. Even when my boy is not being aggressive in any way they still end up fighting because my mindee has got so used to conflict that he pre-empts it and starts one himself !! I usually like a good problem to solve but I am literally at my wit's end and do not know what to do! The only time they are happy playing near each other is when we are outdoors at a big empty playpark or at the beach. But we can't go to the beach everyday!!

    If anyone has any ideas, or has experienced anything like this before I would be incredibly grateful to hear from you. I totally did not foresee this coming.

    Thanks,

    :-)

  2. #2
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    That is such a typical experience- and just the age for it! It could/would be just the same if one was not your own child- that just makes it harder as you want to protect your own but not show favoritism. Yours is still a bit young for this but I have always made it clear what toys are for my own children and what are for mindees; have a space my own child could escape to (their own bedroom) where everything is their own for them to use exclusively and where mindees are not allowed. Apart from that, it is just a case of riding it out- it will pass! Maybe use a big egg timer for taking turns. Lots of distraction. Watch them like a hawk. Have duplicates of the most fought-over toys. Get out to the park as much as you can- why not everyday, there is so much variation you can bring into a park visit.

    Hopefully it won't come to you having to consider whether your setting is the best place for this mindee- but if things do not improve, you need to think about your own family first.

  3. #3
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    Aww that is so hard to manage...

    At the end of the day we don't like everyone and children are the same they might not like each other.

    If it carries on, it's important to put your own child first xx

  4. #4
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    I had this with ds at that age. Ended up giving notice and have found that apart from his best friend he needs the children i mind to be of a different age as it lessons his need to be the better of the two. If the same age its like hes in competition to always be the winner and the small things like not putting on his belt first makes him feel really upset and very emotional. If they r of different ages though he is relaxed chilled n happy.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wonderfluff View Post
    Hello,

    Desperately in need of help!

    I've just started childminding and took on a wee boy the same age as my wee man (2.5). Initially I thought it would be fantastic and they would be great friends. However I spend the whole time separating them because they are fighting, usually over a toy! My boy doesn't like him playing with anything in the house and whenever he sees him playing with a toy he immediately goes over and snatches it from him. My mindee has become wise to this and doesn't let my boy bully him so they end up in an actual physical fight! It's really horrendous and stressful for me because I have to be on guard for this happening the whole time so I can nip it in the bud and literally can't look away for a second. Even when my boy is not being aggressive in any way they still end up fighting because my mindee has got so used to conflict that he pre-empts it and starts one himself !! I usually like a good problem to solve but I am literally at my wit's end and do not know what to do! The only time they are happy playing near each other is when we are outdoors at a big empty playpark or at the beach. But we can't go to the beach everyday!!

    If anyone has any ideas, or has experienced anything like this before I would be incredibly grateful to hear from you. I totally did not foresee this coming.

    Thanks,

    :-)
    I've had exactly the same with my own son and a little boy I look after. I couldn't leave them alone for a second and would find it really stressful. I felt awful for my son because it's his house and most of the toys are his - he does have special toys that ge plays with when I'm not childminding but he's not at an ahead where he wants to play on his own in his room.

    On good days I would try to play a game where they weren't in competition. One game was bringing cars to the garage to be fixed - one child would bring the cars, one would fix. Or they would play a game that they would think was really funny but they also thought a bit naughty like emptying out all.the cars and taking them into my downstairs toilet room. Maybe you can find some kind of inventive game where they can work together? Also I would sometimes try to get them to talk about their feelings rather than hit. It sometimes helped!

    Only now my DS is 3.5 are things getting better. He wants to play with other children now so tries to get them to join in his games. He is always trying to get this other boy to play with him but this boy is a bit younger so not quite there yet.

    There has been many a time I have thought maybe I have to hand in notice but things have definitely improved. I hope that helps you feel like things may get better eventually. Good luck!

  6. #6
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    Thank you everyone for all your kind and thoughtful advice.

    Like you said Moggy, I've decided to get out and about with them everyday no matter the weather or the petrol costs of going somewhere where they can just be in nature like the beach or a country park. They are much more at ease with each other in these kind of natural conditions. I just have to be back for picking up my after-school mindee at 3pm so it's only a couple of hours watching them like a hawk in the house.

    My minded children aren't allowed upstairs and I'm going to put some of my own boys favourite toys up in his room where he can play with them in peace (when he gets old enough to want to do that).

    The good news is they are getting better at sharing and do have their gentle moments with each other, in between the scrapping! I have more confidence now that things will get better albeit slowly!

    I think they have very different personalities though, and my son, after giving him a hard time, is always calling for him to play with him and winds him up in a more affectionate and jokey way now more than just trying to batter him!! I don't think my mindee has forgiven him though! My son put his arm around him in the garden the other day but it wasn't reciprocated! No-one can say this is a boring job!

    If I ever thought it was affecting my wee one adversely, I would give notice but I think it's good experience for them and hopefully things will settle down once and for all. Things can't stay the same when they're growing and developing so quickly!

    Fingers crossed!

    :-)

  7. #7
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    I've just started too. Exactly the same issue. Mine is 23 months and my mindee 27. Both feisty.

    It's getting better though. I just find myself on repeat all day. Days out the house are far better

 

 

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