Trouble with new family, lying parents
Thanks Thanks:  0
Likes Likes:  14
Dislikes Dislikes:  0
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 20 of 22
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    442
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Trouble with new family, lying parents

    Hello all, this is a long post so please bear with me.

    I have had a set of siblings start with me 2.5 weeks ago, 4yr old and a 2yr old. The 2yr old is very wild, she screams most the day, if she isn't screaming she is smacking other children or asking for CBeebies. The 4yr old is unlike any other child I've ever looked after. He flat out refuses to eat food that I cook, unless it's cake or chocolate, as he only eats food from his house. He is grey and very whiney. I also don't trust him, he is very obstinate, there have been no big instances, but he will deliberately do things that he has been asked not to do.

    The parents. I can't figure out if they are plain too soft, and are way over their heads, and have now got to stage where children rule the roost. Or, that they are lazy and do anything for easy life. When parents first came round for a visit they were so interested, they asked lots of questions, what activities I did, daily routine, policies on sickness, tv, and so on. I liked them for this, because they came across as being very on the ball, and approachable. However it quickly unravelled, they didn't pay first invoice on time, and when I reminded them about it, they told me the fraud department had stopped payment and it would enter my bank account the following week, when I said I would be withholding care until funds had cleared, they suddenly appeared! The 4yr old has also being saying things like mommy doesn't cook, we have fish and chips every night and cake for breakfast. I thought this was a load of rubbish until Friday evening when he once again refused food (all he had eaten was half an apple in 8hrs) and I told mom,and she said "well you will be very hungry because I haven't prepared anything" and he said "well no but we can go to fish and chip shop on way home again"

    It's also become apparent they don't sit down at a table for food (mom let this slip) and the children watch CBeebies all day, eating their meals in front of it (despite their insistence that they don't agree with tv).

    I'm exceptionally concerned because there are a lot of issues to work on here. Behaviour of both children is worrying, I cannot take my eyes off them for a second for fear of another child being hurt, something being damaged, or them being hurt themselves. The 4yr old eats nothing, unless it's junk or prepared at his house. He is very very stubborn, and last week because I wouldn't buy him biscuits, he spent the journey home from park cycling into my ankles, I was bleeding!! The two yr old pulls hair, screams, has had a constant runny nose, has bags under her eyes, and cannot interact with anyone. Parents don't seem to care, I try to discuss food, tantrums, so on, and all they say is "it's not as bad as I thought it would be". They have also been caught out lying. How can I possibly work in partnership with them? In all my yrs of childcare I have never come across parents like it. If everything the 4yr old says is true, especially in regards to food at home, some would argue this is a case of serious neglect.

    I'm not looking forward to this week, they are only part time, but I dread the days when they are in, everything is a battle. What should I do? It's only been 2.5weeks, should I continue to end of month and then re-evaluate, or should I insist on a meeting now? I honestly feel like the parents expect me to correct every bad habit, and think that now they have childcare sorted, it's no longer their issue to deal with. I don't know how I can work with them when it's clear they don't listen, and they lie, possibly out of shame, but lie nonetheless.

    Arrggghhhhh help!!!!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    st albans
    Posts
    1,194
    Registered Childminder since
    aug 09
    Latest Inspection Grade
    good
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default

    this sounds horrible. I think a meeting is in order but also this sounds like neglect.please doccument everything. If a child hurt me so my ankles were bleeding they would not be back. I don't see how you can continue without your other mindees being hurt.

  3. Likes rickysmiths liked this post
  4. #3
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Location
    south coast
    Posts
    2,978
    Registered Childminder since
    Oct 12
    Latest Inspection Grade
    over it ;-)
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default

    I agree with Jackie. Call them in for a meeting and outline everything.

  5. #4
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Location
    Northern Ireland
    Posts
    804
    Registered Childminder since
    sept 07
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default

    If a child hurt me like that and was hurting other children I would terminate the contract right away even if out of the settling In period. You have a duty of care to other children in your setting. Why should you or the others suffer. When I worked with my sister my daughter came with me. 3 very unruly siblings started and the eldest was a bully. My daughter hated coming with me but I had no other option until my sister was to soft to give notice. I decided to leave instead and restart minding on my own again. I felt so relieved even though I had two months no wages. Put yourself and the other children first you will feel so much better
    Tess1981

  6. #5
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    Ireland
    Posts
    2,864
    Registered Childminder since
    2011
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default

    Can you ask parents to send food for them if they aren't eating at yours? Under the guise of needing them to eat something more than half an apple .. Obviously this is the case! But it would give you an idea what they do eat at home.. You could guide parents as
    To what to put in . But definitely a meeting is in order, it does sound like they are taking a back seat.

    I once came across a child in a crèche who sat in front of tv all day.. Sounds mad but she actually walked and talked like a telly tubby! The parents were surprised when the staff said she wasn't ready for school .. But she had no idea how to interact with anyone! Very sad. Sometimes I think parents say not tv so we won't have it on and they don't feel guilty if they do!

    Best of luck Hun keep us posted xx

  7. #6
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Tunbridge Wells, Kent
    Posts
    1,378
    Registered Childminder since
    Sept 10
    Latest Inspection Grade
    Outstanding
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default

    Personally I am not sure you have any choice for the sake of the other children to give notice - however I would probably take advice from your DO with regards to safeguarding. Note and date everything and be very strict about your rules, with the parents and the children. Meet with the parents and outline the behavioural issues and that hitting etc will not be tolerated. Something sounds very wrong in this family

  8. #7
    Simona Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by AdeleMarie88 View Post
    Hello all, this is a long post so please bear with me.

    I have had a set of siblings start with me 2.5 weeks ago, 4yr old and a 2yr old. The 2yr old is very wild, she screams most the day, if she isn't screaming she is smacking other children or asking for CBeebies. The 4yr old is unlike any other child I've ever looked after. He flat out refuses to eat food that I cook, unless it's cake or chocolate, as he only eats food from his house. He is grey and very whiney. I also don't trust him, he is very obstinate, there have been no big instances, but he will deliberately do things that he has been asked not to do.

    The parents. I can't figure out if they are plain too soft, and are way over their heads, and have now got to stage where children rule the roost. Or, that they are lazy and do anything for easy life. When parents first came round for a visit they were so interested, they asked lots of questions, what activities I did, daily routine, policies on sickness, tv, and so on. I liked them for this, because they came across as being very on the ball, and approachable. However it quickly unravelled, they didn't pay first invoice on time, and when I reminded them about it, they told me the fraud department had stopped payment and it would enter my bank account the following week, when I said I would be withholding care until funds had cleared, they suddenly appeared! The 4yr old has also being saying things like mommy doesn't cook, we have fish and chips every night and cake for breakfast. I thought this was a load of rubbish until Friday evening when he once again refused food (all he had eaten was half an apple in 8hrs) and I told mom,and she said "well you will be very hungry because I haven't prepared anything" and he said "well no but we can go to fish and chip shop on way home again"

    It's also become apparent they don't sit down at a table for food (mom let this slip) and the children watch CBeebies all day, eating their meals in front of it (despite their insistence that they don't agree with tv).

    I'm exceptionally concerned because there are a lot of issues to work on here. Behaviour of both children is worrying, I cannot take my eyes off them for a second for fear of another child being hurt, something being damaged, or them being hurt themselves. The 4yr old eats nothing, unless it's junk or prepared at his house. He is very very stubborn, and last week because I wouldn't buy him biscuits, he spent the journey home from park cycling into my ankles, I was bleeding!! The two yr old pulls hair, screams, has had a constant runny nose, has bags under her eyes, and cannot interact with anyone. Parents don't seem to care, I try to discuss food, tantrums, so on, and all they say is "it's not as bad as I thought it would be". They have also been caught out lying. How can I possibly work in partnership with them? In all my yrs of childcare I have never come across parents like it. If everything the 4yr old says is true, especially in regards to food at home, some would argue this is a case of serious neglect.

    I'm not looking forward to this week, they are only part time, but I dread the days when they are in, everything is a battle. What should I do? It's only been 2.5weeks, should I continue to end of month and then re-evaluate, or should I insist on a meeting now? I honestly feel like the parents expect me to correct every bad habit, and think that now they have childcare sorted, it's no longer their issue to deal with. I don't know how I can work with them when it's clear they don't listen, and they lie, possibly out of shame, but lie nonetheless.

    Arrggghhhhh help!!!!
    The parenting style in this family is 'indulgent'...parents with that usually tend to give children 'mixed messages' and children get confused and have no sense of direction and therefore tantrums, screaming and much more becomes too obvious and difficult for the carer to manage

    I would suggest a meeting and a way forward where you and the parents have 'shared strategies' so to make the children less confused and become reasonable little people.
    If the parents have different parenting style maybe they could reflect on the outcomes in behaviour they are getting from their children

  9. #8
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    442
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default

    Thanks all- just to clarify they haven't hurt another child yet, just me, but I feel like it's about to happen at any point!! They really put me on edge, never felt like this around children before.

    I asked parents on second day to bring in packed lunch, but he won't eat that either, he only eats fish fingers, sausages, toast, fish and chips, cake. I have pretended that food has been cooked at home and brought in, but he just doesn't buy it. I have gone out to buy things that I wouldn't normally buy (against my better judgement) and the most I managed to get him to eat was half a sausage. So I decided not to do that again, I don't want to indulge bad habits. When I say bad habits, I mean because he wanted to sit on floor with CBeebies on, he even told me what programme would be on at that time, not because of the sausages!

    I know I need to suggest meeting, preferably at their house, these kinds of patterns of behaviour won't change any time soon, I know that. I've just never experienced this before. Sometimes I wish I did home visits prior to starting like nurseries!!

  10. Likes Ripeberry liked this post
  11. #9
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    442
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default

    Just to update you all, I got a very arsey email saying "I would appreciate it if you were more caring and patient when it comes to xxxxx eating, as he always very anxious coming to see you"

    My initial thought was ahhhh f*@*! off. Instead I had a cup of tea (I'm pregnant so wine intake needed to decrease dramatically) calmed down, and replied very courteously stating I am caring and patient, and believe xxxxx is pushing boundaries because I'm a new face. I will continue to serve nutritious meals, and will not be serving processed food in front of CBeebies.

    Today the children were incredible, no nastiness, they still whined when I said no tv, but xxx ate more and sat at table without banging his fists. Mom was nice a pie at pick up. Hopefully they realise we do know what we are doing, and if they are willing we can work together. She clearly knows I'm on to her with dreadful eating and tv habits so doesn't want yo push her luck!

  12. #10
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Posts
    135
    Registered Childminder since
    Aug 09
    Latest Inspection Grade
    Outstanding
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by AdeleMarie88 View Post
    My initial thought was ahhhh f*@*! off.


    Perhaps you should have sent a response along those lines! Easier said than done though!

    I just looked at my policies & I have one that says

    " I reserve the right to terminate a contract with immediate effect and exclude a child permanently from my setting in the following situations:
    o If the child continually demonstrates aggressive behaviour to me or the other children in my setting.
    o If the child continually uses inappropriate language (e.g. swearing).
    o If the child continually makes inappropriate remarks, such as racist comments.
    o If the child is likely to cause harm to other children in the setting.
    o If the child is found to be deliberately stealing from me, my home or other children.

    I also reserve the right to terminate a contract with immediate effect and exclude a child permanently from my setting if their parents/carers demonstrate any of the above behaviours towards me or the children in my care.

    I would only exclude a child if their behaviour was very severe and having a continued negative impact on the other children in my care. I would already have discussed my concerns with the child’s parents and worked with them over a period of time to address their child’s behaviour. I would have used a variety of different strategies and with parental permission sought support from outside agencies. "


    Would it be too late for you to issue something similar to the parents, with a covering letter saying that whilst you make every attempt to accommodate their needs, since they have started x has been pulling hair and y deliberately cycled into you 3 times because you wouldn't buy him biscuits etc etc. You could say that unfortunately you need to extend the settling in period due to this behaviour & suggest strategies that may help you work together (or have a meeting to discuss these)? You shouldn't have to dread working!

    Good luck. x

  13. Likes mum67 liked this post
  14. #11
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    442
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default

    I think you are right about having it in my policies.

    I do have a behaviour policy, but it sort of skirts around the issue, it doesn't directly say I will terminate the contract. I have had two much better days with the children, but there are still strange instances that worry me. I think the parents have been very indulgent, and it's making it very hard for me and my assistant.

    I have spoken to parents about eating, behaviours, and all my concerns. I have also written everything down. I wouldn't be surprised if there is some undiagnosed special needs, especially with the 4yr old boy. Perhaps something on the autistic/Aspergers spectrum. It makes it very hard to know how to react to him, not that I would treat him differently to any other child, but things like refusing to speak to us, refusing to look at us, and saying things like "I only eat at my house" would suddenly take on a very different meaning.

    We have arranged a meeting for this Friday evening, so we will see how week goes. I will definitely be amending my behaviour policy though!!

  15. Likes VeggieSausage liked this post
  16. #12
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Location
    Somerset
    Posts
    4,247
    Registered Childminder since
    may 05
    Latest Inspection Grade
    Outstanding
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by AdeleMarie88 View Post
    I think you are right about having it in my policies.

    I do have a behaviour policy, but it sort of skirts around the issue, it doesn't directly say I will terminate the contract. I have had two much better days with the children, but there are still strange instances that worry me. I think the parents have been very indulgent, and it's making it very hard for me and my assistant.

    I have spoken to parents about eating, behaviours, and all my concerns. I have also written everything down. I wouldn't be surprised if there is some undiagnosed special needs, especially with the 4yr old boy. Perhaps something on the autistic/Aspergers spectrum. It makes it very hard to know how to react to him, not that I would treat him differently to any other child, but things like refusing to speak to us, refusing to look at us, and saying things like "I only eat at my house" would suddenly take on a very different meaning.

    We have arranged a meeting for this Friday evening, so we will see how week goes. I will definitely be amending my behaviour policy though!!
    I wouldn't rush to assume that child has a specific learning/behaviour problem - he is probably just allowed to "rule the roost" at home and parents let him - anything for a quiet life, he is acting up because he isn't used to boundaries but it sounds like you have made some progress regarding eating and TV already - well done.

  17. #13
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    442
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default

    Just another update!

    2yr old girl has settled well, she is very cuddly and happy.

    4yr old boy, well, he wanted to watch cbeebies yesterday, I said no as we were playing, he through himself on floor and started banging his head off the floor. He also didn't eat anything when I asked him why he turned his back, stood up and started to wee in my dining room!!? I was furious.

    I spoke to mom at pick up again, she wouldn't look at me, I know she must be embarrassed but I'm not having it in my house. So far neither children gave shown up, so we are going out now.

    I've never in all my years of childcare encountered a child, and set of parents like this!!

  18. #14
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    In LaLa Land
    Posts
    3,598
    Registered Childminder since
    Sept 09
    Latest Inspection Grade
    Good
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by AdeleMarie88 View Post
    Just another update!

    2yr old girl has settled well, she is very cuddly and happy.

    4yr old boy, well, he wanted to watch cbeebies yesterday, I said no as we were playing, he through himself on floor and started banging his head off the floor. He also didn't eat anything when I asked him why he turned his back, stood up and started to wee in my dining room!!? I was furious.

    I spoke to mom at pick up again, she wouldn't look at me, I know she must be embarrassed but I'm not having it in my house. So far neither children gave shown up, so we are going out now.

    I've never in all my years of childcare encountered a child, and set of parents like this!!
    That is disgusting behaviour. I would certainly not tolerate that. If mum and dad can't step up to the mark and grow a backbone and start disciplining their children you are not going to be able to change this degree of behaviour. Mum doesn't sound like she was shocked that he had done that so maybe he does it at home too??
    I know all children go through challenging phases but this doesn't sound like normal "bad" behaviour phase. You are better off without IMO.

    xxx

  19. Likes Koala liked this post
  20. #15
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Posts
    308
    Registered Childminder since
    Dec 13
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default

    oh dear poor you do you still want to care for this family if you are unable to communicate I work with the parents? personally I think I would be giving notice due to the break down in re!ationship .

  21. Likes AliceK liked this post
  22. #16
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    442
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default

    In short I'm indifferent as to whether I continue to care for them or not, sadly.

    I'd rather not give notice yet as I'm going off on maternity in Jan anyway...but financially we are not reliant on them so I could give notice. I just want parents to realise what THEY have done and listen to me. If they were to go elsewhere for childcare I'm concerned that the children will not be given care they need...but then again I won't let them affect my other children, and I think it's starting to.

  23. Likes Ripeberry liked this post
  24. #17
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Surrounded by pesky Smurfs
    Posts
    4,551
    Registered Childminder since
    Ex CM
    Latest Inspection Grade
    Outstanding
    Non childminder member
    01/01/09
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default

    Well, it could be that they have given you notice anyway. Saved you the trouble. God help anyone else who takes on that boy!
    Need a laugh? Visit my website: www.unclegargy.deviantART.com

  25. #18
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    442
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Ripeberry View Post
    Well, it could be that they have given you notice anyway. Saved you the trouble. God help anyone else who takes on that boy!
    I suspect they will next month so that they leave prior to me going on maternity...having said that the parents are so in denial, he is only 4yrs old, he is the way he is because of them, I doubt they would want to be told by someone else as this would mean it's not just me, and they will have to listen. I'm just documenting everything, and telling them in detail about his day, so if and when something big happens, they can't act shocked!

  26. #19
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Neverland
    Posts
    2,140
    Registered Childminder since
    Dec 11
    Latest Inspection Grade
    Good ;-)
    Post Thanks / Like
    Blog Entries
    8

    Default

    How did the meeting on Friday go?

    To be honest, you're pregnant, you're going on maternity soon, it's affecting the other children, and you aren't reliant on the money, I would seriously be considering giving notice - why put yourself and your existing children through 2/3 months of unnecessary stress and grief, when you could be enjoying your last few weeks before going on maternity.....

  27. #20
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    442
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default

    They eventually turned up- parents said they are going to be stricter with food and behaviour. I gave them receipes and sample menus. I also printed off info on how to deal with tantrums so that we both do the same thing.

    Mom is denying he ever behaves like this at home, he just needs care and patience. I told her we will have another meeting in three weeks. If no improvement we will discuss next steps.

 

 
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

Quick Links and Advertisements

Important Information Links
Some Useful Quick Links
Advertisements

 

You can also find us on:
Trouble with new family, lying parents Trouble with new family, lying parents Trouble with new family, lying parents

We use cookies to make this site as useful as possible. They are small text files placed in your browser to track usage of our site but they don’t tell us who you are.
By continuing to use this site you are consenting to cookies being placed on your computer. Find out more here: Cookies in Use

Childminding Help and the Childminding Forum are part of Childcare.co.uk