Advice please how to word this email

**smurfette** · 19-04-2014, 09:01 AM

So I have taken on a new baby last week he has been for a couple of settling in visits and they went well and mum is lovely,

I met dad at the initial visit and he seemed very nice but at the end said he wanted a copy of my and Dhs id and my registration cert.
At the time I thought weird but I have nothing to hide but after speaking to dh about it and childminding Ireland who I have my registration with I have been feeling a bit creeped out by it! I understand we don't have as many hoops to jump through here as you do there and that he doesn't know me from Adam but he has seen my folder of certificates and references and spoken to two of my current parents, and when my Garda clearance comes through he will see that too. Childminding Ireland said to query why he wanted it and not to give him a copy of anything cos of data protection and identity fraud and dh has taken the hump and said no way is he having his (he is a policeman and keeps a low profile online etc) so I have ignored his request hoping once Lo has started and was happy he would relax

Yesterday though I had an email from him again requesting it so I sent a polite one back saying sure he could see my id but CMI have advised not to give copy and not appropriate to give Dh's as contract is with me not him

He has sent an equally polite one back saying it's just so he can verify my identity and address and he would be happy just to see id and take those details down

Now he knows where we live! I haven't faked all my Certs and refs and it will all be on the Garda clearance when it comes so really I am beginning to feel very intimidated. On one hand yes show him id what harm, on the other if he doesn't trust me with his Lo (not sure what he is worried about. Kidnapping?! No thanks have three of my own!) will there be constant nitpicking?!! Have a bad feeling and want to nip it in the bud and feel like saying no you have had all you are getting now take it or leave it! They started with a minder and did one settling in then minder had a bereavement and couldn't continue.. Not sure now this minder wasn't unhappy with all this?!

Am I unreasonable to say no and if not how to phrase the email please?!!

**tess1981** · 19-04-2014, 09:49 AM

First thing first go with your gut...
Explain as cmi said due to data protection you will not be giving out any more personal information on the guidance of cmi. If you are not comfortable giving thud information out don't do it. You will end up resenting the parent not much help but I do think you gut never lies

**shortstuff** · 19-04-2014, 10:04 AM

If they are being so demanding now it will probably get worse. If they don't want to trust you when oh is a police officer who will they trust? What would they make of me? My oh works in the alcohol trade!

**Mouse** · 19-04-2014, 10:11 AM

How long will it be until your Garda clearance comes through? Would this confirm your address and ID?

I would email something along the lines of:

Dear parent

Following your emails and my subsequent conversations with Childminding Ireland, I am unable to let you have copies, or take details of my ID. If you would like to discuss this with them, their contact details are xxxx.

Once my Guard clearance is completed I will let you know. This will give you the verification you are requesting.

Should you have any queries regarding other aspects of the service I offer I will be happy to discuss them with you.

Regards

I would then leave it up to them. Be prepared for them to leave if they're not happy - although it doesn't sound as if you'll be too put out if they do.

**smurfette** · 19-04-2014, 10:24 AM

Thanks all. No I have a bad feeling but I have been trying to fill this space for a while and have annoyed another client by ending her contract early (she is on maternity soon) since I can't afford to be without work so I hope it doesn't go belly up! But better now than later if so!

Garda clearance should be through before he starts properly and I imagine yes will have my name and address on, just feeling like my privacy is violated! We don't have to have Garda clearance and to be honest I have never bothered before as the fact dh is a Garda is usually enough for people! I only did it now for these people as they kept asking for it so I told them I had and sent the form off pronto! My other parents gave me glowing references so I feel it should be enough.

Both parents are social workers so I know they have seen all sorts but still!

I have already In previous email said CMI said I should show them but not copy it and still had that email back from him, but now I am not sure I want to show it even

**LauraS** · 19-04-2014, 12:18 PM

Do you think the fact that they are both social workers means that they might want your id to check you out on their systems? They absolutely shouldn't do it. But my relative has worked for social services for many years and I have heard tales of social workers looking up prospective daughters boyfriends or childrens playmates families etc on the system to ensure that they were suitable to be in contact with kids and grand kids. Their system often shows a lot more detail than a simple DBS check would as I beleive they show known associations, closed case notes, old allegations etc.

**jackie 7** · 19-04-2014, 12:20 PM

How about asking him for I'd and proof that he is who he says he is. You might want to do a credit reference do you know he can pay.

**shortstuff** · 19-04-2014, 12:21 PM

Originally Posted by jackie 7

How about asking him for I'd and proof that he is who he says he is. You might want to do a credit reference do you know he can pay.

I like your thinking Jackie x

**smurfette** · 19-04-2014, 02:08 PM

Originally Posted by jackie 7

How about asking him for I'd and proof that he is who he says he is. You might want to do a credit reference do you know he can pay.

Lol I know Jackie .. As I said to dh I am letting him have access to my kids and the other mindees shouldn't I be vetting him?!! Credit check even better!!

Anyways here is what hubby drafted
ks for your email. In the interest of trying to conclude this issue I am unsure of exactly what further confirmation you require. To date you have visited me at my home and assessed for yourself my set up and terms and conditions. On that occasion you viewed my references containing my name and address and then subsequently vetted those references with two independent persons who I am sure told you that I have been caring for their children for up to three years at this address. I am happy to provide you with sight of the Garda vetting form when received which will further show my name and address. However, this is a caring profession requiring a strong trusting relationship between the parents and carer. I have been transparent and open in my all my dealings with you to date and as part of my professional approach will deal with any issue occurring with respect to both your and my positions. I hope you are reassured as to my efforts to answer your query. Talk to you soon.

**smurfette** · 19-04-2014, 02:10 PM

He has come back and said that's grand, the Garda vetting will show him everything, he is very happy with my setting and references and he looks forward to his little ones adventure with me!

So glad he has backed down somewhat, am concerned though this maybe the first of many hurdles so we will see

**smurfette** · 19-04-2014, 02:11 PM

Originally Posted by LauraS

Do you think the fact that they are both social workers means that they might want your id to check you out on their systems? They absolutely shouldn't do it. But my relative has worked for social services for many years and I have heard tales of social workers looking up prospective daughters boyfriends or childrens playmates families etc on the system to ensure that they were suitable to be in contact with kids and grand kids. Their system often shows a lot more detail than a simple DBS check would as I beleive they show known associations, closed case notes, old allegations etc.

This is what I was wondering too or that he had a friend in Garda vetting. I have nothing to hide and told him so but it's on principle now. If he is making unreasonable demands at this point what is next?

**trickiedickie** · 21-04-2014, 01:49 PM

Murph - if Irish social services computer systems are anything like the English ones all he needs to look you up on social service's system is your name and address which he has. He doesn't need any form of id to do that.

Pleased it is all sorted and you didn't give him anything you didn't feel comfortable handing over or showing. Well done.

**smurfette** · 21-04-2014, 03:25 PM

Originally Posted by trickiedickie

Murph - if Irish social services computer systems are anything like the English ones all he needs to look you up on social service's system is your name and address which he has. He doesn't need any form of id to do that. Pleased it is all sorted and you didn't give him anything you didn't feel comfortable handing over or showing. Well done.

Thanks I am glad I stood my ground and hope that he realises I will in future if I need to, am a bit anxious about the whole thing now though to be honest

**chriss** · 21-04-2014, 08:45 PM

I must say it makes a change. Quite often parents come, a quick glance at certs etc, sometimes they dont even look, and kids thrown in and hardly a settling in time.

**smurfette** · 22-04-2014, 07:50 AM

[QUOTE="chriss;1357884"]I must say it makes a change. Quite often parents come, a quick glance at certs etc, sometimes they dont even look, and kids thrown in and hardly a settling in time.

[/QUOTE

Well yes
This is another extreme!

**bunyip** · 25-04-2014, 06:26 PM

Glad this is moving toward a happy conclusion. Your DH's message is excellent: rather reserved in fact. You might well have turned the tables and asked for references from the dad, since he'll be coming into your home and potentially in contact with other mindees.

I do like Jackie's idea of demanding a credit check for dad.

Many UK property letting agencies now demand that, and charge the applicant for the privilege as well as search fees, etc: all with absolutely no guarantee that they'll find them a home.

I'm struggling to think of a good reason for anyone needing copies of certificates. By all means parents should check them and ID if they want. But having seen them, I can only assume that wanting a hard copy points to OCD at best and a nefarious purpose at worst.

I, like many, have the opposite problem. I cannot recall a single enquirer asking to see my reg cert, insurance, PFA cert, ISO registration, etc, etc. When I suggest they might like to check, the usual response is a grudging sort of "oh well, if I must....." It's weird that parents go out to look for a registered CM then accept I must be registered because I say I am.

**bunyip** · 25-04-2014, 06:29 PM

An evil idea has just occurred to me.

You really ought to ask dad for ID and check his name is on the birth certificate to prove he has parental responsibility. If he comes over all offended, you just look him in the eye and say, "I just wondered, cos the child looks a lot like Pat Mustard*".

* Cultural note: refer to 'Father Ted': series 3, episode 3, 'Speed III'

**Tracie Morrison** · 25-04-2014, 09:50 PM

Originally Posted by bunyip

I, like many, have the opposite problem. I cannot recall a single enquirer asking to see my reg cert, insurance, PFA cert, ISO registration, etc, etc. When I suggest they might like to check, the usual response is a grudging sort of "oh well, if I must....." It's weird that parents go out to look for a registered CM then accept I must be registered because I say I am.

Yep they are the parents that I have had! But as others have said Dad certainly seems a little OCD/controlling... Love your hubby's email response! very polite but to the point! Hoping dad will take a back seat now and leave you to enjoy babycare xx

**smurfette** · 26-04-2014, 02:47 PM

Originally Posted by Tracie Morrison

Yep they are the parents that I have had! But as others have said Dad certainly seems a little OCD/controlling... Love your hubby's email response! very polite but to the point! Hoping dad will take a back seat now and leave you to enjoy babycare xx

Me too! The little fella is gorgeous!

**smurfette** · 26-04-2014, 02:48 PM

Originally Posted by bunyip

An evil idea has just occurred to me.

You really ought to ask dad for ID and check his name is on the birth certificate to prove he has parental responsibility. If he comes over all offended, you just look him in the eye and say, "I just wondered, cos the child looks a lot like Pat Mustard*".

* Cultural note: refer to 'Father Ted': series 3, episode 3, 'Speed III'

You are truly evil but I love it, that really are me laugh!! I am a big father ted fan will go have a look at that episode again! (Thought only Irish people only understood the humour in it lol!)