Threatened with ofsted complaint-help!!!

**AdeleMarie88** · 15-02-2014, 09:54 AM

I look after a young boy, and his family are great, always asking for activity ideas, pay on time, we really work together...anyway yesterday, grandad came to collect. I have met him a few times, and knew he was coming. He is a very traditional man, holds fairly old fashioned views really, he has made comments before but I just laugh them off because I understand sometimes it's a generational difference.
When he came yest, the little boy was having an incredible time in the dressing up box, and he just happened to have a pink and gold dress on with matching tiara. It's very fluffy and great for swishing around and dancing in, which the boy was doing. Grandad knocked, I answered, and he saw his grandson in the dress and he just hit the roof, he said i should be ashamed of myself, I'm a disgrace and he is going to report me to ofsted as I'm not fit to work with children. My inital reaction was shock and i was a stuttering wreck, I just said he is having fun dancing, there is nothing Wrong with that, and he said I'm not taking into account their family values therefore I should expect an official complaint.
I'm in turmoil I know I did nothing wrong but If he plays that card of not being respectful of others views, won't ofsted come down on me like a tonne of bricks?? Also little boys parents have never expressed any wishes for boy to not dress up, and I don't know if grandad has told them about incident yesterday. I didnt want to call right away as I was so shocked, but should I call them today to discuss or wait until Monday??
Please help xx

**kellib** · 15-02-2014, 09:58 AM

We don't have Ofsted up here so not 100% sure but surely they won't take it seriously?

If there are certain things the family don't want the boy doing then they should have told you from the start, I'd want it in writing from them too.

I would wait until Monday to say anything, if I said anything at all. Maybe just mention that grandad was a wee bit upset?

X

**FussyElmo** · 15-02-2014, 10:09 AM

Personally I would be ringing them asap. It sounds like you have a very good relationship with them and they may wonder why you have not said anything if Granddad has already ranted at them.

My FIL would say something like this and he nearly had an heart attack when he saw ds dressed up as a fairy princess. Complained to dh who stupidly mentioned it to me. Well lets put it this way he got told that his views belonged in the dark ages (maybe not that polite). Your family may have done the same.

I would ring and explain how upset you are to have been threatened in your own home.

Big hugs xxx

**Emra81** · 15-02-2014, 10:13 AM

That sounds awful hun...so sorry you were spoken to like that. To be honest I would have thought that ofsted would have more of an issue if you DIDN'T let the little boy have full access to your resources as we're supposed to be fully inclusive and not have gender specific toys etc. I would def be straight on the phone to his parents to politely and calmly explain what happened because a) you shouldn't be spoken to like that in your own home and Grandad needs to be told otherwise you'll be a nervous wreck every time he picks up especially as he's made comments before b) if parents do have particular preferences for things like that then you need to know asap and c) if they don't, then they need to talk to Grandad and set him straight before he does get in touch with ofsted. I personally couldn't leave it over the weekend and stress about it but that's just me. I imagine the parents would be mortified if grandad made a complaint as you've got a great working relationship so.continuing to work with them makes sense to me x

**Kiddleywinks** · 15-02-2014, 10:15 AM

You can only take into account the 'families values' if you've been told what they are!

You have done nothing wrong, but I would contact the parents - about Grandad's behaviour!

I very much doubt Ofsted would take this on board, but, it is a complaint and so you really need to follow your complaints procedure and contact the parents today about what was said. The chances are they will appreciate it is more of a generation gap, and I would highlight your values of non discriminatory play for all children (shock horror, I let my girls play with the cars, and allow them to dress up in pirates outfits!)

My dad is the most homophobic person I know - my sister is gay, but apparently that's different

**lisbet** · 15-02-2014, 10:34 AM

Huge hugs! Firstly, if it was me I would write it all down, including his angry behaviour and insulting language. He has said that he is making a complaint, so I think I'd follow my complaints procedure.

I am rubbish on the phone, so I think if it was me I would email the parents, explain that the grandfather expressed the wish to make a complaint and so I am obliged to follow my complaints procedure. I would attach the incident report.

Say that I have always prided myself on giving their son the best care and working closely with them and am feeling awful after yesterday's incident. Say that I was not aware that there was any issue with particular dressing up clothes and ask that if there is, could we please discuss a way to approach this together that meets their families values as well as the requirements of the EYFS.

Remind them of how to make a formal complaint if they themselves wish to do so.

Say that you also need them to remind anyone who brings or collects their child that as per your contract/ policy, you will not tolerate any abusive or threatening behaviour or language within your home/ registered early years setting.

Once I'd spoken with the parents, I'd add the outcome of that to the incident report/ complaint form and give them a written summary.

I would imagine the parents would be mortified about all this. Maybe they'll have words with Grandad, or maybe he's awful to them too, but that's their issue to deal with.

Once I knew the parents' views on the whole thing, I'd then decide whether or not to notify Ofsted, or just to keep the incident/ complaint record filed away in case you ever need to show Ofsted.

More hugs xx

**AdeleMarie88** · 15-02-2014, 10:48 AM

Thanks guys, I'm pretty sure mom and dad are unaware of granddads rant, and they have never given me cause to believe that they hold similar views. In fact I went looking through mindees development folder and there are pictures in there of him wearing similar fancy dress costumes, and parents have signed that month to say how they love the folder and they can see mindee is flourishing in my care!

Never has anyone threatened to complain against me before! Thanks for reassurance xxxxx

Simona · 15-02-2014, 11:38 AM

Write it all down and report this to Ofsted by saying you are expecting a complaint.
This is a matter of stereotyping and we have a duty to challenge that in children and adults

Ofsted will record your worry on your file when they note your call...make sure they do and take the name of the person you speak to... but what you do not know at this stage is what type of complaint this man will log with them
Telling them you allow his grandson to dress up will be ignored but he may raise it differently
Cover yourself and be ahead of him

**samb** · 15-02-2014, 12:37 PM

Great advice already. Just wanted to say that I would have probably turned into a shocked wreck too! When I worked in a nursery there was a dad who didn't like his son to do anything stereotypically "girly" - it was hard work!

**Chatterbox Childcare** · 15-02-2014, 01:20 PM

Originally Posted by Simona

Write it all down and report this to Ofsted by saying you are expecting a complaint.
This is a matter of stereotyping and we have a duty to challenge that in children and adults

Ofsted will record your worry on your file when they note your call...make sure they do and take the name of the person you speak to... but what you do not know at this stage is what type of complaint this man will log with them
Telling them you allow his grandson to dress up will be ignored but he may raise it differently
Cover yourself and be ahead of him

If this is the case I wouldn't do anything with Ofsted but I would talk to the parents about the grandfathers views. After all the contract is not with him but them.

**Mouse** · 15-02-2014, 01:29 PM

Lisbet's advice is spot on.

Ofsted will want to see how you've dealt with any complaints, so follow your policy.

It sounds as if parents will back you, so you could actually use this to your advantage - show how you deal with a complaint, show how you challenge attitudes and show how you encourage freedom of play.

Simona · 15-02-2014, 01:40 PM

Originally Posted by Chatterbox Childcare

If this is the case I wouldn't do anything with Ofsted but I would talk to the parents about the grandfathers views. After all the contract is not with him but them.

True the contract is with the parents but it does not prevent the grandfather making a complaint...my view of course.

In these cases cms can act as they wish, my feeling would be to pre-empt the guy.

Several years ago I called Ofsted warning them I felt a parent was about to complain after he had verbally abused me in front of the children
They took notes and sure enough the complain arrived months later...unfortunately for the parent the evidence I had meant it was not upheld when Ofsted received proof it was malicious.
I had informed all the other parents who were very supportive.
I know the system has changed but Ofsted don't need to chase complaints to do with personal beliefs rather than a Welfare requirement being breached?

I certainly hope no complaint will be logged in this case and talking to the parents will definitely help.

**AdeleMarie88** · 15-02-2014, 01:52 PM

I have just got off the phone to mom, she was so upset, to put it mildly. She apologised profusely, and said that she will ensure grandad does not complain. I asked her if it was ok for me to write down our conversation in an email, and asked if she would send me an email back agreeing that it was a true representation of our conversation just so that I have it in writing. Was that the right thing to do?? I feel like I've totally had the wind knocked out my sails!!

I've also written up an incident form and will photocopy ready for Monday. Should I still call ofsted??

Thank you for all your advice, I was feeling very alone yesterday afternoon!! xx

**gef918** · 15-02-2014, 02:12 PM

I would still contact Ofsted, just in case at your next inspection, the inspector asks why you didn't!

**Ripeberry** · 15-02-2014, 02:38 PM

First of all ((((Hugs)))). He sounds like an ignorant bully! Document everything but first of all talk to the parents (you have the contract with them) and ask them if they know about the incident. He is in the wrong.

**Ripeberry** · 15-02-2014, 02:41 PM

Originally Posted by AdeleMarie88

I have just got off the phone to mom, she was so upset, to put it mildly. She apologised profusely, and said that she will ensure grandad does not complain. I asked her if it was ok for me to write down our conversation in an email, and asked if she would send me an email back agreeing that it was a true representation of our conversation just so that I have it in writing. Was that the right thing to do?? I feel like I've totally had the wind knocked out my sails!!

I've also written up an incident form and will photocopy ready for Monday. Should I still call ofsted??

Thank you for all your advice, I was feeling very alone yesterday afternoon!! xx

You've done everything right. I can't see what Ofsted could do with this as the parents are not putting in a complaint. If the grandad goes ahead he is only making a fool of himself and proving that he is a Homophobe!

**emma04** · 15-02-2014, 03:48 PM

What a total and utter idiot!
I would be tempted to request to parents that "grandad" did NOT collect child in future!

**primula** · 15-02-2014, 05:36 PM

Glad to hear that you have sorted it out and you are back on track with the parents. Grandad should really calm down and should apologise to you! It would probably be a good idea for him not to collect the child, I bet the poor kid wondered what he had done wrong? Lucky he wasn't pushing a buggy as well! I don't think you need to involve Ofsted as you have dealt with it and kept a record of how you handled the situation and the parents are fine. If it was me I would get some sort of information printed out re stereotypical attitudes and pass it on to grandad!! Think we have learned a lot from your bad experience! Thanks for sharing.

**hectors house** · 15-02-2014, 06:07 PM

I'm glad that the parents sound sensible even if Grandad is living in the dark ages, I wouldn't phone Ofsted as it may trigger an inspection and I'm sure that Grandad won't call them - you just need to treat it as a complaint which you have done by contacting the parents and put a copy of your e-mail and reply in your complaints folder for when Ofsted come to do your next inspection. Relax, have a glass of wine and a hot bath it will all be forgotten by Monday.

**emma04** · 15-02-2014, 07:26 PM

Originally Posted by primula

Glad to hear that you have sorted it out and you are back on track with the parents. Grandad should really calm down and should apologise to you! It would probably be a good idea for him not to collect the child, I bet the poor kid wondered what he had done wrong? Lucky he wasn't pushing a buggy as well! .

AND......

Heaven forbid if his hair were in bobbles and slides! YIKES! Lol