'Shy', 'only child' - what other labels bug you?

**Maza** · 17-12-2013, 10:26 AM

I hate it (with a passion) when someone comments on how shy my daughter is because I don't comment on their personality and 'shy' always seems to have negative implications, etc etc. I also hate it when people ask if someone is an only child, or explains that someone is an only child thinking that it is the cause of some kind of negative behaviour. On a personal level, I am very sad that my DD is an only child and still coming to terms with the fact that another baby is just 'not meant to be' and so that label actually stings, however innocently it is said.

Anyway, last night a friend of mine asked me how it was going with a particular mindee and I responded, "Oh fantastic, he's so 'easy', bless him". She said "I wonder what made you label that child as 'easy' and not any of the other children as 'easy'". We then had a really interesting discussion. People often comment on how 'easy' her youngest son is and she takes it personally because they don't say that about her older son (who is rather 'challenging'). It also makes her worry that the 'easy' sons needs will be overlooked because everyone just assumes that he is fine.

Have you experience of 'labels' which annoy/hurt you?

**JCrakers** · 17-12-2013, 12:14 PM

I used to be very shy as a child and I hated it when people said I was shy or said ' ooh she's shy isn't she!' and even though I was quiet I hated being labelled as quiet.

Now I have more confidence and am not shy and quiet anymore.
My son is quiet and I make a big point about not commenting on his quietness or shyness as I used to hate it

**mrstom** · 17-12-2013, 12:42 PM

I'm shy and was painfully so as a child. I was bullied about it so much I dropped out of sixth form and never completed my a-levels.

I'm better than I used to be but still get very nervous in groups. I try to make an effort to be more outgoing and confident but it just isn't me.

My youngest (in reception) is shy and quiet (although not when he gets to know you) and its already been mentioned by his preschool key worker and his teacher. I'm desperate for him not to be labelled and to be able to get there in his own time x

**rachelle** · 17-12-2013, 01:00 PM

I have twins - handful, double trouble and 'which one is the quiet/naughty/good one' etc all bug me. You wouldn't say to the parent of a singleton 'oh your child looks like a handful'

**FussyElmo** · 17-12-2013, 01:09 PM

Hes a proper boy - what does that actually mean?

**Maza** · 17-12-2013, 01:09 PM

Originally Posted by mrstom

I'm shy and was painfully so as a child. I was bullied about it so much I dropped out of sixth form and never completed my a-levels.

I'm better than I used to be but still get very nervous in groups. I try to make an effort to be more outgoing and confident but it just isn't me.

My youngest (in reception) is shy and quiet (although not when he gets to know you) and its already been mentioned by his preschool key worker and his teacher. I'm desperate for him not to be labelled and to be able to get there in his own time x

I know how you feel. My DD has just had her settling in report (reception) and twice it mentioned that she was quiet. In my feedback I wrote that I hope the classroom environment supported her development in that area and that she was given the opportunity and time to speak out in whole class discussions rather than letting the more forthcoming girls dominate. I felt that I had to mention it as I could sense that she was being labelled as 'the quiet one'. If a teacher feels that something needs writing down in a report then they have to be prepared to explain how they are supporting that child with the 'issue' they raised, or be aware of how the environment they create can increase or decrease the issue. Maybe you could 'turn the comments on their head' and ask the teachers how they are supporting your son.

I'm really sorry that you had such a hard time because of your shyness. That's awful. I'm also very shy but I tend to find one-to-one situations more stressful than groups. x

**clareelizabeth1** · 17-12-2013, 01:21 PM

I get really irritated with strangers in the street coming up and cooing over my little one and then getting upset and going "well he isn't a very smily/happy baby is he" while I'm thinking he was right up until you stuck your face in his personal space and spoke to him like he is stupid. I have been known to reply "he was until he saw you" but I know I shouldn't.

When strangers aren't forcing themselves apon him he is a very happy little boy if using labels I would call him easy or happy lol

**Daisy1956** · 17-12-2013, 01:22 PM

My grandson started reception in Sept and it has been remarked about how quiet and shy he is. It really annoys me what it really means is that he is well mannered and not pushy waiting for his turn as he had been taught.

**munch149** · 17-12-2013, 01:41 PM

I was labelled as shy and lazy as a child. Shy is hated because a label hardly increases your confidence. And lazy I hated because that was not what I was in fact far from it. I am laid back and do things jn my own time unlike my mother who everything has to be done 'now' and I come from a family of neat freak so whilst I clean every day before minding and I do my job well letting children explore everything I am considered the messy one. There we go messy another label. I was purely labeled these things because I didn't fit in to another persons perception of tidy, proactive or confident was. Tidiness isn't always a positive - my step mums obsessive and There is such a thing as overconfidence

**critch** · 17-12-2013, 01:48 PM

Originally Posted by rachelle

I have twins - handful, double trouble and 'which one is the quiet/naughty/good one' etc all bug me. You wouldn't say to the parent of a singleton 'oh your child looks like a handful'

I have twins too, the joys they bring outweigh the fact everyone says you've got your hands full!!!!

**mrstom** · 17-12-2013, 01:56 PM

Originally Posted by Maza

I know how you feel. My DD has just had her settling in report (reception) and twice it mentioned that she was quiet. In my feedback I wrote that I hope the classroom environment supported her development in that area and that she was given the opportunity and time to speak out in whole class discussions rather than letting the more forthcoming girls dominate. I felt that I had to mention it as I could sense that she was being labelled as 'the quiet one'. If a teacher feels that something needs writing down in a report then they have to be prepared to explain how they are supporting that child with the 'issue' they raised, or be aware of how the environment they create can increase or decrease the issue. Maybe you could 'turn the comments on their head' and ask the teachers how they are supporting your son.

I'm really sorry that you had such a hard time because of your shyness. That's awful. I'm also very shy but I tend to find one-to-one situations more stressful than groups. x

Thanks x

At parents night his teacher did say that DS will now talk in a small group of children (which was more than he would do six weeks ago). I guess it doesn't help that there are some particularly noisy and rowdy ones in his class of 7 girls and 23 boys!

Another problem we have is he won't say hello or acknowledge anyone in his class if we see them out and about. Two classmates have swimming lessons at the same pool as DS and when they come over to say hello, he acts as if they are invisible!

He'll get there I hope. My eldest is in year 1 - he was similar but has come on leaps and bounds since starting school.

**dawn100** · 17-12-2013, 01:58 PM

Some times I think people say these things without meaning to label, they are all ways of describing a persons personality/character, I think it only becomes a problem when someone sees you as let's say shy and this then negitivly impacts on how they interact with the 'shy' person

**sing-low** · 17-12-2013, 02:03 PM

I can't stand it when people say that my daughter is 'pretty'. Really bugs me as it seems to imply that the only thing important about a little girl is her looks. How damaging is that?! I try not to use labels but do slip into it sometimes.

**Maza** · 17-12-2013, 02:12 PM

Originally Posted by sing-low

I can't stand it when people say that my daughter is 'pretty'. Really bugs me as it seems to imply that the only thing important about a little girl is her looks. How damaging is that?! I try not to use labels but do slip into it sometimes.

Well that's the thing, we all slip into it without realising don't we? When I called my mindee 'easy' I hadn't for one moment realised that I was labelling him, and that what I considered a 'positive' observation actually grated on someone else. That's why I thought this would be a great discussion.

Oh my, mums of twins, you must get it all the time!

Daisy 1956, I couldn't agree more!

**yummyripples** · 17-12-2013, 02:28 PM

I used to say that my twins were 'twice as nice' in response to 'double trouble'
I have parents who call their child vile..........

**Maza** · 17-12-2013, 04:23 PM

Originally Posted by yummyripples

I used to say that my twins were 'twice as nice' in response to 'double trouble'
I have parents who call their child vile..........

Poor child.

**Bluebell** · 17-12-2013, 04:24 PM

people always say to me as a childminder 'ooh you've got your hands full today' and 'I don't know how you do it' and are quite negative as if I can't cope! I actually find all my children incredibly well behaved and have never had a problem (- my own children on the other hand!)

My son is ginger and comments like 'I bet he's got a temper' and is actually a placid and kind child.

My other son is shy and I hate myself when I find myself saying 'he's a bit shy to start with' because he doesn't acknowledge people or respond to them or say hello, he looks away. (even his own friends!) I just couldn't bear for others to think of him as rude but I must stop myself doing it!

**Bluebell** · 17-12-2013, 04:28 PM

and worse of all is so many people say to me 'you've got your hands full today' is that I've started saying it to other people!! Grrr!

**sing-low** · 17-12-2013, 06:21 PM

Originally Posted by Bluebell

and worse of all is so many people say to me 'you've got your hands full today' is that I've started saying it to other people!! Grrr!

I try and see that as someone being friendly and trying to start a conversation/make a connection with someone which is a nice thing to do, even if what they say isn't exactly the way you'd put it. I often say inane things when I'm trying to strike up conversation (say at a party where I don't know anyone or the first few times at school/nursery drop off before I've got to know anyone).

**Tealady** · 17-12-2013, 06:37 PM

Originally Posted by Bluebell

people always say to me as a childminder 'ooh you've got your hands full today' and 'I don't know how you do it' and are quite negative as if I can't cope! I actually find all my children incredibly well behaved and have never had a problem (- my own children on the other hand!)

My son is ginger and comments like 'I bet he's got a temper' and is actually a placid and kind child.

My other son is shy and I hate myself when I find myself saying 'he's a bit shy to start with' because he doesn't acknowledge people or respond to them or say hello, he looks away. (even his own friends!) I just couldn't bear for others to think of him as rude but I must stop myself doing it!

But what would you say instead?