Advice needed asap please!!!

[littleones123]

hi, I've been minding a little one for nearly 2 years now she started just before going to nursery and she has just started school, so nearly 2 years later her confidence and communication in my home is very poor. if i talk to her or ask her a question she just totally blanks me or anyone else who tries, even other children will come and tell me that she is ignoring them. she walks around like shes frightened and she has no reason to be I've looked after loads of children and none of them are nervous around me or my husband. I've tried so many different ways to approach her but nothing works.
as the months have gone by i have spoke to her mam about how she is but she has just said that she isn't like this at home or anywhere else, when her mam comes to collect her she turns into a different child being loud and sometimes quite naughty she even refuses to leave my home.
when she was at nursery they made a comment to me about her not doing or saying much so that give me a little bit of relief to know it wasn't just in my home.
since starting school she has opened up a little to me and other children but not my husband and I've discussed this with her mam but she couldn't see any problem.
this morning mam has dropped her off and confronted me about her being frightened of my husband and wanting to know why being quite intimidating she says she is worried sick and mentioned handing in her notice, i told her she had no reason to be frightened all the other children i mind are not frightened or nervous. mam asked if she had been shouted at or told off by my husband and she hasn't i don't even have to say anything to her because she never misbehaves. i look after her 4 days a week including all day on a Sunday. I really don't know what to do i hate the thought of someone thinking there child is mistreat whilst in my care and i feel like telling her that she obviously isn't happy so to just take her out, it's always bothered me about why she is so nervous around us and nearly 2 years later her mam comes out with this. Does anyone have any advice or thoughts? thank you

[Koala]

Poor you, some children do have alter ego's and behave totally different in different situations - to be honest this would probably really annoy me because it sounds like she is verging on being rude and ignorant.
Do you feel she is doing it on purpose? If she is like this with other children too then maybe it is a coping or controlling mechanism as young as she is there are few thing things children control - one is food and the other is their attitude.
What a difficult situation you are in, you have obviously tried to help and make progress and mum has focused on your oh being the issue - which would really upset me as it has you and has made the situation very uncomfortable. You know what they say - no good deed goes unpunished.
I would have to consider my oh first and I think I would be considering a mutual departure before the situation gets any worse. I honestly don't think it will improve if mam has it in her mind that there is an issue with your oh and it does sound from what you say the the child can switch from being outgoing to insular at the drop of a hat and it is probably to play up to getting attention. Does she get extra attention from you when she is 'introverted'?
Have you considered that she may be manipulating those around her the get that bit more attention.

I'm sorry if I sound a bit cynical but I have seen similar behavior before from children and in hind sight have come to this conclusion. And not that I feel I am sexist but girls do seem to be very good and artistic at manipulating, boys imo just seem to wear their hearts on their sleeve and get on with it!

Again, what a crappy situation to be in, I hope it sorts itself out or maybe you consider she ships out. But definately and quite firmly make mum aware that you are not happy with her (sort of) accusing your oh as being the problem.

I once had a parent come to me, seriously and say her son was very upset because my oh didn't love him, omg that nearly made me sick, somehow they had got their boundaries all mixed up but it made me feel like I was doing something wrong. Needless to say they didn't last long.

GOOD LUCK

[Mouse]

I would call mum in for an urgent meeting as any allegation against you or your family needs treating seriously and sorting out as quickly as possible. Although she hasnt accused your husband of anything specific, she has suggested it's something he's done that has frightened her child. Do you have a policy on what you will do if an allegation is made against you or your family? Make mum see that you take her concerns seriously.

Before the meeting sort out any evidence you have ( eg. in her LJ) that her social and emotional skills are lacking and that you have planned activities to help with it. Have you any record of having spoken to parents, nursery or school about? You can use all this evidence to show mum that her daughter has always been like this and that you have questioned it over time, but mum has always been unconcerned. I would also ask what her daughter has said to make her now think the child is frightened of your husband.

Finally, have a read up on selective mutism and see if that is something you think could play a part.

[sarah707]

As Mouse says you do have to take this very seriously. An allegation has been made and you need to protect yourself, your family and the little one before things escalate.

Mum needs to understand the seriousness of what her daughter is alleging and how it might affect you and your business because you will need to follow your safeguarding procedures if she wants to take it to a full complaint.

If the trust has gone you might need to re-think the contract. Hugs xx

[kellyskidz!]

Totally agree, she may just be making noises now but technically an allegation has been made
'Why is she scared around your husband?' Is a question that would make me think she's thinking about complaining so have her in for a meeting to discuss the situation and where to go from here
Maybe Mum is covering something up by trying to put blame for her child's behaviour on your husband, I don't know, but you need to get this sorted now before Mum starts making serious allegations and damaging your business and reputation.
If it was me personally I think I'd give notice, its not worth her dragging your husbands name through the mud. Professional relationships have obviously broken down as shes being confrontational towards you and basically insinuating her child has a reason to be frightened of your husband so I'd cut your losses with this one xxx

[Tazmin68]

As others say follow your complaints process. You should have a policy and procedure with regards allegations aagainst yourself or family inspector asked to see this when i was inspected last month

Deb

[Goatgirl]

Hi ,
How awful for all concerned. If Mum thinks there is any harm being caused to her child at your setting she should not be sending her surely?!. I would be very nervous of accepting her until the situation has been cleared up.

I would be calling an urgent meeting and I would be putting into writing a summary of the reason for the meeting: the type of behaviour in question; your previous periodic approaches to Mum; her lack of concern on those occasions; possibly a reference to the input from the other setting - do you have permissions in place for sharing this information? - and her recent very strong reaction. I think when she reads it all set out over a long period of time, she will hopefully see that this has been an ongoing problem, not a sudden new one.

Then I think you need to get a clear idea of what she is trying to say and whether she is thinking along the lines of mistreatment etc. If that is what she is thinking, I would not want the child in my setting at all until the matter is cleared up.

There may well be a reason the child is nervous, but to say your husband has done something to cause this when the problem has been there since the very beginning and in another setting is unacceptable. Does she think all the other children and you must have also mistreated her in some way because she didn't interact much with all of you? No...

I'm wondering if Mum has mentioned the problem in a simplistic way: "x the childmminder says lo acts nervous around her husband" and had the idea of wrong doing suggested by a friend or relation in response, so is now thinking the worst as a result . We are living in a paranoid culture unfortunately.

It could also be that the child uses the behaviour to try to gain attention. If that's the case, Mum overreacting like this is not going to help .

I hope you can get to the bottom of the sudden allegations, set Mum's mind at rest and come out of it feeling confident that she knows she has overreacted and similar will not happen again,
...but if you are not comfortable any more minding this child I would accept Mum's suggestion that you terminate the contract as neither of you can continue to work together where the trust has gone from the relationship. In ending the contract under these circumstances you are behaving responsibly and professionally.

I do hope this ends well. Good luck, will be thinking of you

[k1rstie]

Could it be that she has had a free offer of care on the weekend, and wants an immediate termination.

I would think she would struggle to find paid cover on a weekend.


Tread carefully

[Lottie]

Agree with others , this is a potentially serious allegation.
Make sure you are writing everything down from start to finish. Have you got proof that you've raised the issue with parent in the past? Collect all your evidence, be prepared.

Good news is that after two years she's only just raised this, why? If she had any reason to think something was up, why is she still sending child to you. ..

[watford wizz]

Agree with what said before also this child could be being abused elsewhere. Mum could be aware or not so keep yourself and your family safe. Don't be afraid to talk to your safeguarding officer for support x