Parent anxiety

[JuCjones]

Hi

I have a quick question, has anyone else had a parent so anxious about their child's well being that they start getting paranoid that your equipment isn't good enough, or your not good enough?

Background: I've had a 1 year old for 2 months, we get on great in fact I'm the only other person apart from mum she'll go to... Won't even go to Nanna, Grampa or dad!!
Everything fine but mum keeps on having digs, child had hay fever one day, she asked me if I'd left her child crying for hours! Mum thinks I should have a different car seat because it doesn't lean back ( it can't lean back I have no room in my car) so she expects me to pay £125 for a smaller seat that will lean back in the space I have! Her child is only in my car for 20 minutes on a school run each day! Other small things have been mentioned but those are the main two

The thing is her anxiety is making me treat her daughter differently to the other children, I'm less likely to allow her to run around playing with the older children because she might get hurt and I'm scared what her mum will come out with!!

Should I cancel her contract?

Thanks
Julis

[shortstuff]

have you tried sitting down with mum and talking to her? or maybe invite her to spend a little time with you in your setting so she can see how they all behave as a group and maybe that will help her relax a little?

If she is so keen for her lo to have a specific car seat maybe you could be very cheeky one day and suggest she buys it x

[sing-low]

I like Gail's ideas! Also, Mum may be trying to micro-manage because she feels guilty about leaving lo. Some reassurance that she is her Mum and the most important one in her life might help too.

[JuCjones]

have you tried sitting down with mum and talking to her? or maybe invite her to spend a little time with you in your setting so she can see how they all behave as a group and maybe that will help her relax a little?

If she is so keen for her lo to have a specific car seat maybe you could be very cheeky one day and suggest she buys it x

Hi,

Yes the first instance I did sit mum down and asked her outright if she trusted me and she said she did, but I've got the feeling she doesn't, I have a suspicion she doesn't trust anyone!

The problem I have is that I've just got over a very trying and upsetting period of my life and was just starting to gain more confidence and stability and this women is throwing me into turmoil all over again, I don't know if I could go through it all over again

[Mouse]

If you're heart's not in it, it is going to be extremely difficult to work with this mum.

What happens if her daughter did fall over while she was in your care? Can you imagine the recriminations that would follow? If you're just starting ti build yourself back up again, do you really want the thought of that hanging over you? I think I would be honest with mum. Tell her that you can't work like this & you feel she'd be better of looking for someone else. I wonder if a nanny would be a better option for them.

[JuCjones]

I know I should just cancel her contract, but I do have a connection with her LO and I'm just wondering if there is anything more I can do to make mum more comfortable ??

God this job is tough sometimes, I need to get out

[emma04]

If you're heart's not in it, it is going to be extremely difficult to work with this mum.

What happens if her daughter did fall over while she was in your care? Can you imagine the recriminations that would follow? If you're just starting ti build yourself back up again, do you really want the thought of that hanging over you? I think I would be honest with mum. Tell her that you can't work like this & you feel she'd be better of looking for someone else. I wonder if a nanny would be a better option for them.

I agree totally with this and have just had the same experience as you! My problem parent and Lo are leaving me on the 24th July ( after 3 months) and I can't flippin wait!!!!

(What op has written matches my experience almost exactly!!)

[JuCjones]

I agree totally with this and have just had the same experience as you! My problem parent and Lo are leaving me on the 24th July ( after 3 months) and I can't flippin wait!!!!

(What op has written matches my experience almost exactly!!)

Ok decided, I'm going to take the weekend to consider everything, make sure mum is free for a chat on Monday to discuss everything and if mum doesnt agree to calm down and trust me 100% then ill end her contract and give her her leaving date

[yummyripples]

Been there and you have my sympathy. I managed with the eldest child but when the second one came along and the same things were happening I knew I couldn't cope. Baby wasn't settling - not sure if it was my tension rubbing off or the fact that the baby was completely molly coddled at home. Either way I spoke to mum and she decided to pull baby out. I had tried for 4 months.
Although I miss the money, I am back to loving childminding again wheras I was beginning to doubt my ability to cope (the mums constant concerns ) and thinking of packing it in. I feel like a grey cloud has been lifted.

[yummyripples]

I wouldn't advise that you invite her to spend time with you. Firstly she will be looking for problems ( and find them even if there are none). Secondly the children will be disturbed and not on their best behaviour.
If you can be honest with her that would be great. But I was honest when I spoke to my mum but she dismissed me. I wondered if she may have post natal anxiety, however she wasn't willing to discuss it and I was too stressed to do anything about it.

[KatieFS]

Children do have accidents. Is all part of growing up and developing sense if risk. Try be honest but if mum is that paranoid sadly I doubt it will change.

[emma04]

Ok decided, I'm going to take the weekend to consider everything, make sure mum is free for a chat on Monday to discuss everything and if mum doesnt agree to calm down and trust me 100% then ill end her contract and give her her leaving date

Good idea, but I think you'll find that mum won't change her ways. There are some parents we can work with and some that'd be better off packing up work and looking after their lo's themselves! Harsh but true!!

Good luck on whatever you decide, just don't let yourself be miserable x

[hectors house]

I did look after a very accident prone child who unfortunately had an older paranoid mother - he was only child. She blamed me for every bump he had and would make me feel guilty by saying things like "Oh what is daddy going to say", one day she said he was tired when she brought him and said could I make sure there weren't any more accidents (he had slipped on a book on floor day before and bumped head on door) - I said I wasn't in control of his feet and did she want me to put a safety helmet on him! She shouted at me in front of my daughter and I went into complete shock when she left - I rang NCMA and they told me to write it up as an incident, which I did. I nearly gave notice but decided to continue but it was tough.

Wednesday I had a child trip over own feet and crash head first into coffee table (its at side of room not in middle) I scooped him up fearing he had cut it open but it was just a bruise on eye brow - his mum was fantastic (child hasn't been coming long, so I was worried about her reaction).

I would definitely explain though that hayfever isn't caused by crying! and that your car seats are adequate and that she is welcome to leave the lo's car seat each day if she likes.

[Npg1]

Hi. I am in the same position as you. Have a 10mth old baby 3 days a week. First child and mum is very paranoid. I get random texts late at night. I got a text last week after we had been to toddler group to say I hope x hadnt been left in a bouncer all morning! Im seriously considering giving notice but decided to get mum in for a review but I feel a little awkward talking to her about it

[Jiorjiina]

It's hearing stories like this that make me bless the parents I have right now. I had one LO (who was just walking at the time and insisting on walking everywhere!) trip over and fall flat on his face in our driveway on the way back from the park a couple of months ago, and by the time mum came to collect he had a beautifully circular black bruise right in the middle of his forehead. I felt absolutely awful about it, but she took one look and burst out laughing! And she said that his dad had done the same when he saw it.

Background: I've had a 1 year old for 2 months, we get on great in fact I'm the only other person apart from mum she'll go to... Won't even go to Nanna, Grampa or dad!!
Everything fine but mum keeps on having digs, child had hay fever one day, she asked me if I'd left her child crying for hours! Mum thinks I should have a different car seat because it doesn't lean back ( it can't lean back I have no room in my car) so she expects me to pay £125 for a smaller seat that will lean back in the space I have! Her child is only in my car for 20 minutes on a school run each day! Other small things have been mentioned but those are the main two

The thing is her anxiety is making me treat her daughter differently to the other children, I'm less likely to allow her to run around playing with the older children because she might get hurt and I'm scared what her mum will come out with!!

I guess she might not have realised that the child had hayfever that day, and only saw the red eyes and streaming nose, which might account for why she thought she had been crying for ages?

I think generally though it's less about your equipment, and more about your relationship with her child. If you're thinking of cancelling the contract anyway, why not go for broke and just tell her that you are concerned that her anxiety is making you treat her daughter differently to the other children? (In a nice way, obvs!) Tell her that children can only form secure attachments to other adults if their attachment to their primary caregiver (i.e her) is secure, and that you are also concerned about her crying when other close family members try to hold her. Tell her, as kindly as possible, that either she trusts you and your capability to provide a safe environment for her child, or she doesn't and that it might be better if she found some other kind of care for her daughter (like a nanny).

I think I'd also give her a week or so to think about it, before deciding anything, rather than unilaterally deciding to cancel the contract. It might be that she's struggling to cope a little with things, if this is her first.

[Goatgirl]

Ok decided, I'm going to take the weekend to consider everything, make sure mum is free for a chat on Monday to discuss everything and if mum doesnt agree to calm down and trust me 100% then ill end her contract and give her her leaving date

I think you've made a good decision there. Even if Mum does agree she'll lighten up etc, I would be putting the family 'on probation' somehow.

Perhaps document the issue, write conclusions from both sides at the end of the meeting and state that you will end the contract immediately if you feel at any time that you are being criticised unfairly. And a review date after that so she knows you are serious and she can't slip back.

Perhaps give it 4 weeks until the immediate termination can be enforced on those grounds, that way you are still giving Mum required notice

good luck