Behaviour question
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  1. #1
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    Default Behaviour question

    I have a increasing problem with one little boy (31months)

    His behaviour with me if generally good, challenging but manageable as he knows my boundaries and what does/doesnt go!

    The problem comes when he is collected by Mum, and its getting so bad Im worried there will be an accident soon.
    She collects him en route to pick her other child up from school so its generally a doorstep handover. I do a diary to inform of what we have done, meals, snacks etc so generally its just a case of "yes he played nicely" or "hes not been well behaved"etc etc.

    The last few weeks once he has gone out of my door and been with his Mum on my drive he has;

    Climbed onto rockery stones at the front of my house (never attempts to with me)
    Ran straight across the road onto a neighbours drive.
    Climbed into his Mums car through an open window and proceeded to then get onto the roof!
    This week he ran down the road (with Mum in hot pursuit) after a dog on a lead which did turn and try to bite him.

    His behaviour at home is generally bad/challenging but they dont seem to have any sort of management/consequences for him, and "pander" to him.
    Mum has said she feels hes punishing her for working and she only stopped breastfeeding him about 5 months ago.

    I try to make handover quick and encourage her to get him in the car, but she seems to linger.
    Ive tried asking her in but that then led to bad behaviour in my home and her running way over time because he wouldnt leave!
    Im not only worried for him but also if Im honest for myself!
    Where would I stand if he had an accident??

  2. #2
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    I would have to arrange a meeting after work with parent to discuss your concerns and put a procedure in place. I would inform parent that I will take charge of the behaviour if shes does not. Offer support advise etc. would child sit with a book for a couple of minutes whilst you chat with parent on pick up? get shoes coat on etc before she arrives and speak to child about what is expected?

    If child injured them self once parent it is there then it is not really your fault but you would still feel awful i expect so i would jump and deal with the behaviour if parent doesnt

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  4. #3
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    Of course she lingers, she wants you to look after him for longer!
    Most kids act up a bit in front of their parents but this seems a little extreme. You could do a 'Handing over of responsibility' policy saying that when parents pick their children up they are their responsibility and it is up to them to take their children safely to their cars etc, and get her to sign it. Not a legal document but may make her realise you mean business.
    I'd say something about him climbing on your rockery as that's your property but as for her letting him run off down the road, as bad as it sounds, that's her problem if she chooses to let him do that once she's signed him out and taken him from your premises, although I couldn't shut my door on him after seeing that. I'd say something to her like, aren't you going to get him? Or maybe you shouldn't be letting him run off like that?
    I would have him ready at the door and say to him before she comes, right best behaviour when mummy comes because I know you're a good boy and I know you can behave nicely.
    If all else fails, have a chat with her about this, she might not even realise you're upset about it.
    As for the breast feeding at 26 months?! Lets not go there lol!

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  6. #4
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    Mum needs to get a grip, I despair at parents when they say he runs off, he does this, he does that, when in fact He is allowed to run off, he is allowed to do this, he is allowed to do that.

    You cannot do her job for her, she needs to do it herself but you may need to remind her of this, but I can assure you if anything happend to the child whether mu is there or not - you would get the blame, neighbours would say "it was your childminded kid that got bit by a dog" "it was your childminded kid that split his head open climbing in your garden".

    I've got parents like that at the moment, they just can't control their kids, the elder one came to collect with dad and climbed on a garden bench to pear through the sitting room window - my other half sharply told her TO GET DOWN Dad didn't say a word in fact he was a bit taken back that someone had told his child off, they run about my garden, up the street. SIGHHHH drives me mad. I am waiting in anticipation for their notice - He is definitely leaving by September.

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  8. #5
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    I would speak to Mum and ask/tell her from now on" to help" you will take him out to the car and put him safely in his car seat so that she can get off to school on time

  9. #6
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    Walking reins on before mum knocks on the door and hand over - he can't run off then and mum has control until he's older and can listen better

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    Have him on reins at the door and pass the strap to her to keep hold of. Dont worry about him having an accident outside your house as i am sure he will have one with mum somewhere else soon.

    Ask her not to let him climb on your rockery please then shut the door quick and put your hands over your ears. Once you have handed mindee back to mum he is her responsibility
    we dont stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing

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  13. #8
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    First of all I think you should reassure her that all kids play up when parents come to collect but say that you're concerned about his behaviour and you want to work with her to find a solution before an accident happens.

    Here are some strategies I'd suggest:
    - agree who is in charge for discipline once mum arrives so there's no grey area and bad behaviour can be sorted as soon as it starts otherwise the kid knows they can take advantage of the situation!
    - have a picking up routine that starts 15mins or so before mum arrives. Prep him that mummy will be here soon. Have a really calm activity & talk through how he should behave. It will seem repetitive but should eventually click!
    -

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  15. #9
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    Whoops hit send accidentally!

    - have shoes & stuff ready to go when mum arrives
    - agree a reward strategy for when he behaves. A sticker chart, lots of praise
    - would taking him out to the car yourself & strapping him in be an option?
    - I wouldn't even try taking to mum about anything much more than a hello etc & call her later to see how things go
    - write incident reports that mum has to read and sign for things like him running off etc, he may be her responsibility at that point but if something happened its funny how people can try to blame someone else. Also shows mum your serious about all this!

    Wish I could say these were my own ideas but in fact they're the strategies my childminder suggested for my own daughter before I became a childminder myself. Just make sure you reassure mum lots & say you're not trying to undermine her. I was having an awful time with my daughter and did feel like it was a reflection on my parenting that she had to take these extra measures!

    Hope that helps

  16. #10
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    Its all to do with liminal spaces and a child moving from one liminal space to another liminal space. Or so we were told during training he he
    we dont stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing

  17. #11
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    What on earth is a 'liminal space'! Lol

  18. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by JMcG View Post
    What on earth is a 'liminal space'! Lol

    ^ What she said, lol!

  19. #13
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    I agree with the reigns, as long as mum returns with then at each drop off..

  20. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by kellyskidz! View Post
    ^ What she said, lol!
    limin is the latin for threshold
    its when they are 'in limbo' between one place / system / part of life , and another.
    It used to be used for things like spiritual rituals , but is now 'a la mode' in childcare too.

    So there you go!

    But regardless , mum needs to get a grip!!

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  22. #15
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    I get fed up of parents not taking control

    so now ones who misbehave just get handed over at door then i close door and let parents get on with it

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  24. #16
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    Ahh thank you everyone for your suggestions and giggles ive had reading them!

    I do a calm down time before she picks up as she gives me 10 min text warning (usually at 5 saying she will be 10-15mins, his actual contracted time is 5!! but heyho!)
    Always tell him what I expect re behaviour etc, but as soon as he sees her thats forgotten!

    They acknowledge that hes a "handful" but seem reluctant to do something about it.

    I have also gone to car myself when hes been actually physically kicking her in the face as she tries to get him in his seat, and tried the "oh my goodness" sort of speech.
    She usually then lets him out to sit and "drive" for a bit till he calms down!

    I really dont want to say "bye" and close the door, but feel it would be a solution as then im not providing an "audience"
    My neighbour (policeman) witnessed the dog incident this week and intervened also, which isnt good obviously. Luckily he knows me and my family well and could see what im dealing with!

    I dont thank my stars that i just have him once a week!! Generally have a mini panic attack if she wants extra days!!

  25. #17
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    Bless you.
    I know its not actually solving anything but I think I would tell mum to stay in the car.
    Text 'on way'
    You pick up mindee , carry to car , strap in , then have your handover bit with mum when he is stuck! , , off she drives.
    not ideal , but stops you worrying about neighbours / property / accidents.

    it does depend on your layout and whether other mindees would be safe for the 2 minutes

  26. #18
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    I think you have a good point about him having an 'audience'. Maybe if you just say goodbye at the door and leave mummy to deal with him, then he wont have the 'audience' and she will be forced to take control.

    it amazes me how mindees just get into which ever car seat i tell them to in my car, yet when parents collect there are tears and tantrums over which seat they are going into. At the end of a long tiring day i just cant be bothered to listen to it anymore. I dont feel at all guilty for closing door and walking away. And now i have new baby here till nearly 6pm I have good excuse to just leave parents to discipline their own children

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  28. #19
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    Thanks again all!

    Ive decided Im going to let her know on Monday that when she collects I will just handover, say bye and close the door!

    I will say it along terms of, me thinking he performs because we talk and he wants her attention etc etc.

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  30. #20
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    It's a shame but it sounds like its the best thing to do for now.

 

 
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