Child refuses to say sorry.

[little chickee]

What would you do with a 2yo mindee who physically hurts other child an then refuses to apologise.
I have asked her to say sorry, ask her to give injured child a hug to say sorry (instead of actually speaking the word sorry) and she refuses.
She shakes her head and says no.

She has drawn blood on 2 occasion with her brother. Not that bad here but i worry that if i don't come down hard with the discipline it may turn to that.
I don't want her or the other mindees to learn that you can behave exactley how you like and you don't have to be or say sorry.

[rickysmiths]

I use the signing for sorry which I find usually works if a child is reluctant to say sorry. The follow it with a hug. It is a very simple sign to do.

BritishSignLanguage.com; An Online Guide to British Sign Language

[little chickee]

ok going to try that.
And if she refuses?

[AliceK]

I was under the impression that you shouldn't force a child to say sorry. They should be made to think about their actions and the feeling of the "injured" party but not actually forced to say sorry.
xxxx

[hectors house]

It may be worth looking at or trying to work out why this child lashes out and hurts other children - is she frustrated? lack of communication? are other children teasing her first or taking toys away? Maybe you could borrow a book from library on feelings or sharing or whatever the problem seems to be and try to teach this child empathy as until she really understands that she is "sorry", just saying or not saying the word will be meaningless. I downloaded a feelings chart from free downloads on here and try to use it with a child who uses aggression to get his own way - works sometimes!

[Dragonfly]

I wouldn't make her say sorry, but I would explain that it was a horrid hurtful thing to do and not be at all happy with her so she knows she has done wrong. hopefully she will say sorry on her own and mean it.
p.s. I would hate someone to make me hug someone else. but thats me.

[FussyElmo]

It can become a battle of wills making a child say sorry - and it can led to the child saying it without any meaning to the word because its whats expected.

Give full attention to the child she has hurt and explain to the child what she has done etc etc. She is still only 2 so decide on the consquence of her actions and follow it through. What are the parents doing at home?

[georgeypie07]

i had this discussion on here recently, my mindee was the excact same, just refused point blank!! i found a small puppet out of my puppet box which has a smiley face, i sit the child on the botrom stair for time out for a minute then i go back to explain what hes done then i say 'shall we go and give so and so sorry bear??' and he will go and give it to the child together!! it works a treat and im hoping eventually he will be able to start saying the word 'sorry'.
i hope this helps as it has done for us, i was seriously out of ideas and the mindees mum thinks its brill!!!

[jo.jo76]

What a lovely idea, might try something similar with my daughter. We've got as.far as she will sign sorry but not say it

[Mouse]

I never force a child to say sorry. I don't see the point if they don't mean it. That doesn't mean I ignore what the child has done. I will bring the two children together, ask the child to say sorry, if they don't I ask them to go and sit down while I see to the child who has been hurt/had a toy taken away, or whatever they have done. The child who has done the hitting gets no attention. Very often they will come over of their own accord and say they are sorry.

As for the hugging, I never get them to do that either. A poor child has been hit & now they have to endure physical contact from the very child who has hurt them!

[MessybutHappy]

I've recently stopped asking for the child to say sorry because it was being used as a get out of jail early ticket not because they really were sorry and I didn't think that was right.

Now I say to the injured party "I'm sorry you were hurt (or whatever)" and to the attacker "I'm sorry you hurt x". I think modelling the apology sends a much stronger message!

I've since read somewhere tht they don't understand the concept until quite late... and often a long time after they've learned to say the word/sign it. I can't remember how late though!

Hitting/throwing with intent leads to an immediate lift and remove! Across the room, out of the way "you need to wait here until you can control your hands, we don't hit/throw". The message is slowly getting through!

[fluff1975]

I'm another one who doesn't force an apology. They've just thumped the child, why on earth would they then want to apologise? Never mind hug them! It can take adults days, months, years to apologise and we have a much clearer comprehension of it all. I won't ignore it though, and I love MessyButHappy's response of 'I'm sorry you hurt xxxx' etc. The joys of 2 year olds hey?!

[little chickee]

I've always been in agreement with not forcing a "sorry" after time after time seeing the same child at toddlers being deliberatly horrible to others and saying sorry immediatley so his mum would say "its ok hes said sorry". You could see the smirk on the child face knowing he could behave exactley as he pleased as long as he said sorry.

after a long battle of wills today I have backed up my idea that its worthless to insist on a sorry!
From tomorrow i will try out some of your excellent suggestions and see how we get on.
Thanks everyone.

[mushpea]

I dont ask them to say sorry but say to them it would be nice it you said sorry to x, then I normaly turn to the injured party and say I'm sorry you got hurt are you ok now. as they get older my lot have learnt to say sorry so the other person will want to play with them again and be their friend, I find that if you make them say it they say it for the sake of it or because they are prompted and feel they have to,, the two older childrne I have never say sorry and I have stopped asking them to say it but tell them I expect them to understand what they have done wrong and expect them to tell me what they did and why it was wrong they are 5 and 8 tho, ususaly after they have talked to me about it they then realise how their actions effect the others and appologise anyway.