Crying newbies - how long do you give it?

**SammySplodger** · 22-02-2013, 05:31 PM

I'm settling in two newbies - 8m and 13m. Have now had 3 settle in sessions (3 hours long) each. Both starting P/T full days next week with overlap day Weds.

8m old cried whole of first session, less crying second, hardly any third in fact giggled lots :-) Think he will be ok. Ate and slept well too.

13m old - complete opposite :-( Seems to have got worse each time. So upset he wouldn't eat or sleep today - got all worked up good and proper. No amount of cuddling / entertainment / attempts to go to sleep / nice food etc made any difference.... Mum says he's very strong willed generally. I'm pretty good with babies and have had 11 Mindees over 3 years, so cannot understand why this little chap is so difficult to settle.

Bit worried about Weds now - have both babies that day, hoping the 8m old isn't freaked out and joins in! :-(

How long do you normally give it with crying babies who obviously don't want to be looked after by someone else and resist strongly?!

**sarah707** · 22-02-2013, 07:04 PM

Make sure you have a month settling in period written into your contract - and reserve the right to extend it.

my little screamer carried on for months, eventually turning into a lovely little man... another just screamed for a few weeks and then smiled one day and we never looked back.

Only you know how much you can deal with though - so be honest with yourself - and don't let it carry on so long you possibly lose other contracts.

Hugs x

Glitter · 22-02-2013, 07:05 PM

It can be really hard to settle some children. I found that one child who cried every time he came settled better if we went out. As soon as Mum dropped him off he was put in the pushchair (one where he was facing me) and taken for a long walk. I talked to him the whole time and after about a week the walks were shortened, after two weeks he stopped crying and we never had another problem.

Would it be possible for you to visit the child in their own home so they can get used to you with Mum there? I don't know if any of this will help. Let us know how you get on. Good luck.

**MessybutHappy** · 22-02-2013, 07:07 PM

Is it the 13 months first time away from mummy? If so, is it separation anxiety, and have you tried keeping something that smells of mum for child to have as a comforter? Sorry if I'm teaching you to suck eggs!!

**Loushah** · 22-02-2013, 07:52 PM

I really do feel for you, it can be so disheartening when everything you try seems to fail....I hope that he does start to settle in soon for both your sakes.

**SammySplodger** · 23-02-2013, 01:35 PM

Thank you for responses.

I do 3 x 3 hour settle-in sessions, first with Mum present all the time, 2nd Mum stays a bit then goes out for an hour or so, third Mum goes after 5 mins and comes back 3 hours later. These sessions have got worse and the last one he was NOT crying for about 30 mins out of 3 hours :-( My kids and dog were all traumatised!

My contracted settling-in period is three weeks from the start date (in this case next Weds). So I'm covered contractually and can stop at a days notice.

He is 13 months old and has only ever been looked after by his own family. Granny has recently moved away (she used to look after him 3 days a week). He doesn't speak English, but parents want him to be bilingual so have asked me to speak to him in English only. I'm managing ok with communication anyway as we both speak 'toddler' and he understands basic signing.

Going out DID help, so I think I will just do that. He cries as soon as we get back home and the only thing that settles him is going in the buggy in living room with CBEEBIES on (!) I can't stand doing this but (according to older brother) this is what Granny used to do. And after a couple of hours of constant yelling, I'm afraid I needed some relief for my ear holes, a wee and a large mug of coffee!

In 3 years of CMing previously I had 11 Mindees and only one who screamed so much and didn't improve, so we agreed amicably to part company.

I get the feeling it's going to be a looooong 3 weeks! :-(

**SammySplodger** · 23-02-2013, 01:37 PM

Glitter - not really possible for me to visit him at home - he lives 1 hour away. I live 3 mins from Mum's office. Too many other logistics with other kids for me to go to their house. I get what you mean though. :-)

**angeldelight** · 23-02-2013, 01:43 PM

Poor you

I have been there sooo many times

Some settle great others do not there is no magic method

My daughter works in babies at nursery and all 6 babies scream every day so hope that makes you feel a bit better

I think you have to do your best, hope for the best .... then if all else fails you can say at least you tried

Good luck, keep us posted

Angel xx

**SammySplodger** · 23-02-2013, 01:49 PM

I think I'm going to have to buy some silicone earplugs, as I had buzzing in my ears all evening and I'm sure it was all the screaming! I had to lie down for an hour after he went home, as I felt so stressed and drained. Need to 'man up' a bit to the crying I think...

Thing is, I'm a CM mainly because I was incapable of leaving my own kids in the care of others (I know - strange logic), so I feel a complete failure if I can't make Mindees happy bunnies. :-(

**angeldelight** · 23-02-2013, 01:51 PM

Originally Posted by SammySplodger

I think I'm going to have to buy some silicone earplugs, as I had buzzing in my ears all evening and I'm sure it was all the screaming! I had to lie down for an hour after he went home, as I felt so stressed and drained. Need to 'man up' a bit to the crying I think...

Thing is, I'm a CM mainly because I was incapable of leaving my own kids in the care of others (I know - strange logic), so I feel a complete failure if I can't make Mindees happy bunnies. :-(

Great idea see you did not need our advice after all

I know what you mean, I never ever left my children with anyone and never would ha .... but never ever feel a failure, some children do not settle and others do , it is no reflection on you at all

Angel xx

**Goatgirl** · 23-02-2013, 05:17 PM

Hi

,
Poor you, its not nice is it

.

I would keep doing what you are

and make a concerted effort to take deep relaxing breaths to maintain the calming atmosphere. That's what I find hardest with a screamer, I get really tense.... If cbeebies works that's fine, there'll be plenty of time to cut tv time down/out once he realises it feels safe and comfortable at your house. And as a parent and a childminder I think the other children would probably be better off with tv in the background for a few weeks than constant distressed crying

...

One of mine would only stop crying when held or if tv was on: I held him as much as I could (not easy with another baby and 2 toddlers to see to, lunch to prep etc!), invested in some baby einstein dvds - totally recommend 'baby beethoven' and 'baby neptune', all the little ones are transfixed and love them and there's lots to talk about, which you can do, as there's just simplified classical music through most of the running time. He loved music and singing too, so we progressed to a sign along dvd which has some lovely songs with signs which all the children love. Now he still loves the tv but is not upset when it stays off and he gets just as excited when we sing the songs from the dvd without the technology, bless him, he really goes for it

Hope you can find what works for him at your setting, but if you're still in 2 minds at the end of the settling in period, maybe you could extend..

Good luck

**blue bear** · 23-02-2013, 05:43 PM

There's no easy answer to this is there, but if going out works I'd go for a mix of getting out and the cbeebies in the pram, slowly ween down the cbeebies but leave him in the pram offering him toys, when sat right next to him leave the straps off so he can get out if he so chooses. I've had little ones that only felt safe in the buggy so I brought it indoors for a while.

**jillplum** · 23-02-2013, 05:48 PM

To be honest if tv is what keeps him calm then for now just do that. You can not help him or try to teach him if he is screaming! Gradually try to engage him in something else alongside tv then move him away bit by bit till hopefully he will be happy away from tv. It will be easier for you and others if he is not upset all the time. Good luck

**skatie** · 23-02-2013, 07:02 PM

Just wanted to say I understand your pain, I too have had a mindee that cries.... A lot! Makes me feel really tense which probably doesn't help the situation. Have resorted to ear plugs before too as had such a headache from the crying! Also makes me feel terrible like, is it me? Is it my house? Anyhow, let's hope it improves! Who knew childminding would be so challenging! I think we need a phsycology course when we do the Cypop5.

**SammySplodger** · 23-02-2013, 07:33 PM

Thanks folks... feel a bit better :-)

**jillplum** · 24-02-2013, 04:10 PM

I agree with trying to stay calm, not easy I know, as babies do react to tension. Good luck for next week. This will be the week that lo stops crying

**TAZ** · 24-02-2013, 04:38 PM

I had one who cried all the time when he started except when we went out with the buggy - so we did that a lot!

Another would cry when we were out at toddler groups when I got her out of the buggy but was happy as long as she was sitting in the buggy so I let her stay in the buggy with straps off (she was old enough to climb in & out on her own) so that as she got more confident she could get out but have a safe place to retreat to, gradually she used the buggy less & less.