Telling parents when their child reaches a milestone with you before the parent....

**stardust** · 31-01-2012, 08:09 PM

As a general rule I don't mention milestones to parents without them mentioning it first.
Things like when they first start crawling, first steps, first words ect.

I withhold this information until the parent mentions it because I feel that leaving your child with someone else is bad enough without feeling deflated when you collect and your child carer says 'x took their first steps today'.
Parent then goes away thinking great! I spend all day slogging away to pay the bills and now I've missed an important milestone.
This can lead to parents resenting their child carer and work.
I may say things like not long and we'll be chasing him around, wait till hes following you around repeating words like 'mummy' and 'why' or isn't it funny we spend the first few years encourage them to walk and talk and the rest to sit down and be quiet. This normally promp's the parent.

Plus if they do it in front of you chances are in a day or so they will do it in front of mum/dad ect.

Does anyone else do this?

x Tara x

**zippy** · 31-01-2012, 08:21 PM

I would never ever tell a parent if a child crawled, walked first with me, I think like you it would be cruel to. I know another childminder who did and I told her I thought she was wrong, she didn't seem to think it was any big deal, said mum didn't care (yeah right). She may not have shown it but I bet mums heart was breaking inside. Little things I might mention in chat, depends on how I gague parent to be honest but NEVER EVER the big milestones.

**loocyloo** · 31-01-2012, 09:09 PM

i always say ''ooo, i think we're very close to crawling/walking etc'' if they've done it with me! i've got a LO at the moment who i'm sure will be off walking any day!

as for talking, i just keep quiet!

**Tippy Toes** · 31-01-2012, 09:14 PM

Im the same as you, never mention milestones the child has achieved, I wait until the parent mentions it.

**primula** · 31-01-2012, 09:53 PM

me too! never say anything! I know I wouldnt like it if I was the parent. i have in the past had to be a really good liar when they turn up on a monday morning and say 'he/she took their first steps at the weekend but you probably already know that dont you'??!!!

**LeeMarie** · 31-01-2012, 10:07 PM

As a rule I never tell parents if their child does something first at mine. However I once had a lo who would take a few steps but nothing more. Whilst mum was a work lo started to walk and then run round. Mum arrived and her lo came running out the living room with another lo, past mum and into the dining room. There was no way I could pretend her lo hadn't done it with me!

**christine e** · 31-01-2012, 10:17 PM

Only once in 20 years have i told a parent that their child has walked and that was quite recent. lo was 17 months and not taken any steps mum was getting worried and said to me 'I know you wouldn't normally tell a parent if their child walked with you before walking for us but please do tell me if H walks' she took 5 steps and then a few minutes later another 5 - I text mum straight away

Cx

**stardust** · 31-01-2012, 10:19 PM

Originally Posted by LeeMarie

As a rule I never tell parents if their child does something first at mine. However I once I have a lo who would take a few steps but nothing more. Whilst mum was a work lo started to walk and then run round. Mum arrived and her lo came running out the living room with another lo, past mum and into the dining room. There was no way I could pretend her lo hadn't done it with me!

This is slightly different as mum has seen it but chances are if they were walking well enough to run around at yours mum had already witnessed some type of first steps iykwim.

I just think I would actually cry if someone said 'Ryan let go of the sofa and took a few steps' and he hadn't done it with me *first*. My heart would actually break and i think i would resent that person.
I tell all my parents that i don't share big mile stones until i know mum/dad have witnessed it first.
One parent burst into tears and hugged me and said 'thank you that relieves quite a bit of the stress, i was worried id miss everything but if you wont tell me i will have all the *first* experiences even if its actually the second or third'
Its hard enough leaving you child without knowing that you have missed out on the most important bits.
Even with the ob's i write/take i date them after once i know mum has seen it. xx

**EmmaReed84** · 01-02-2012, 06:44 AM

I must be the exception to this rule... I always discuss my mindees development BEFORE they reach a milestone. ex I have mindees for 50 hours a week, mum knows full well they spend more time with me than with her, as upsetting as it is, they are the facts. I discuss mindee pulling herself up and seems eager to to walk. Mum said that she pulls herself up at home but as yet not walking, we both agreed it would not be. I asked parent how she would life milestones dealt with? She wants to feel apart of her childs life, not cheated out of the REAL first times. So mindee took some steps totally unaided, I freaked out, got my camera took LOADS of photos and video, messaged mum right away. When mum came home we got mindee to "perform" Mum was totally thrilled, admitted she was a little sad she didnt see it, but was so pleased that I was so excited, and kept her involved. I was gloaty about it, and was extremely sensitive. That weekend mindee really took off and when she came back, crawling was a big no no for her.

**Tink** · 01-02-2012, 07:20 AM

It is always difficult like you say to leave a child with someone and then find out that your child has reached a milestone.
I have had so many children over the years walk and talk for the first time and when mum has collected I have said 'No nothing today' the look on mum's face the next day when they tell you that their child walked or talked when they got home is priceless.

I did have one child who's Mum is a teacher and she didn't want me to tell her when her daughter had taken her first steps, I had caught the moment on camera and video whilst observing something else, child walked to Mum when she came and mum said she wished she had a video of it, she was thrilled when I mentioned I had one, so sometimes it does work to mention things and other times it doesn't!

**singingcactus** · 01-02-2012, 08:13 AM

I've never told a parent about any firsts either. I don't think it's right or fair to. I know some people, like our local nursery, make a point of telling parents that they won't tell them if their child does something for the first time there, but I think that spoils it even more, cos then mum never knows if it really is the first time or not.
I just simply don't mention anything about milestones - unless there is an additional need involved cos that would change everything.

**Cariad** · 01-02-2012, 08:49 AM

I have just been writing all my policies and this is exactly what I've been thinking about. Do you all have it written in your policies that you won't tell parents about firsts or is it much more an unspoken rule?

**christine e** · 01-02-2012, 09:13 AM

Originally Posted by Cariad

I have just been writing all my policies and this is exactly what I've been thinking about. Do you all have it written in your policies that you won't tell parents about firsts or is it much more an unspoken rule?

an unspoken rule with me

Cx

**sharonmanc** · 01-02-2012, 10:15 AM

My childminder told me with my son and then my daughter, when i was working, and I have to say it was saddening, as I felt so guilty I was not there, My son was full time and my daughter 3 days a week, and sods law she started walking on the days she was with my childminder.

I dont think i wil tell parents but maybe just write it up to put in LJ's and let parenst findout for themselves.

My nephew started crawling here for the first time at my house, his mum and dad are separated, and my brother told his ex, and i was furious with him, as I know as Mum I would have wanted to feel i was the first to discover it, and this weekend he started clapping, he thought better of it this time

onceinabluemoon · 01-02-2012, 01:30 PM

I tell parents the truth. I could no more lie to them about that that lie to them about how a child got a bump on the head. I don't deal in lies. end of.

Also sometimes a milestone being reached is a safety hazard, for example I used to mind a child whose mum laid him on her bed and left him to play, when he learned to roll over I had to tell her for his safety.

Sorry but I think its something parents have to accept may happen when they make the choice to return to work and leave their child in childcare. I would never gloat about it and would always be sensitive, but if a parent asks me I tell them.

**Daftbat** · 01-02-2012, 01:37 PM

Originally Posted by onceinabluemoon

I tell parents the truth. I could no more lie to them about that that lie to them about how a child got a bump on the head. I don't deal in lies. end of.

Also sometimes a milestone being reached is a safety hazard, for example I used to mind a child whose mum laid him on her bed and left him to play, when he learned to roll over I had to tell her for his safety.

Sorry but I think its something parents have to accept may happen when they make the choice to return to work and leave their child in childcare. I would never gloat about it and would always be sensitive, but if a parent asks me I tell them.

I think that there is probably an element of common sense that has to be applied in all cases. In this instance if a child is starting to roll over then I would have thought that parents and minder could have a good enough relationship that the possibility of this happenening could be discussed before it actually happens. I think that rolling over is not such a milestone as walking/talking and I share the views of many others that its a shame to mention it to parents as soon as it happens if its with their childminder.

I have been a working parent as well as a childminder and see it from both sides - my childminder never told me, she hinted it may happen soon but as far as I am concerned my eldest daughter walked on her first birthday - at home with me and her dad watching

**dette** · 01-02-2012, 01:54 PM

I had a mindee take her first steps with me while her big sister (3) and my DD (4) were watching.i had no intention of telling mam what had happened but as soon as she arrived my DD crouched down in front of baby P with her arms outstretched saying " come on show your mammy what you can do "..bless her mammy turned to me and said..."shes walking isnt she ?" i couldnt lie. she said "come on then ...P show me your stuff " and baby P ran to her mams arms .it was lovely ..i cried

**zippy** · 01-02-2012, 04:10 PM

Originally Posted by onceinabluemoon

I tell parents the truth. I could no more lie to them about that that lie to them about how a child got a bump on the head. I don't deal in lies. end of.

Also sometimes a milestone being reached is a safety hazard, for example I used to mind a child whose mum laid him on her bed and left him to play, when he learned to roll over I had to tell her for his safety.

Sorry but I think its something parents have to accept may happen when they make the choice to return to work and leave their child in childcare. I would never gloat about it and would always be sensitive, but if a parent asks me I tell them.

Dont deal in LIES, bit harsh, I take it your kids don't believe on father Christmas or the tooth fairy them, each to their own I suppose. Agree with the rolling on the bed thing though although I would personally water it down a bit and say they were so nearly there better watch if you lay him on a high surface. People have to work, and if I hadnt chosen this career I would have been devastated if I thought I didn't see it first.

onceinabluemoon · 01-02-2012, 04:35 PM

Zippy, no my children don't believe in santa or the tooth fairy and I'm sorry but I don't think there is anything wrong with answering truthfully when being asked a question. perhaps if a few more people were honest this would be a better world. But as you say we are all different.

Daftbat, thats wonderful and i see you are a very experienced childminder, however I had only been minding a month at the time and the parent had told me she wanted to be told if her child reached a milestone whilst here. How was I supposed to know I was supposed to ignore her request and lie to her?

I just wish I was as good a childminder as the rest of you, goodness knows why ofsted thought I was outstanding as I am clearly rubbish at my job.

**EmmaReed84** · 01-02-2012, 05:30 PM

Originally Posted by onceinabluemoon

I tell parents the truth. I could no more lie to them about that that lie to them about how a child got a bump on the head. I don't deal in lies. end of.

Also sometimes a milestone being reached is a safety hazard, for example I used to mind a child whose mum laid him on her bed and left him to play, when he learned to roll over I had to tell her for his safety.

Sorry but I think its something parents have to accept may happen when they make the choice to return to work and leave their child in childcare. I would never gloat about it and would always be sensitive, but if a parent asks me I tell them.

Couldn't agree more. I talked about milestones with the parent when she forst came to me. I think it is important if you are going to have a trusting and honest working relationship...

Out of curiosity (people who "fib") why tell a parent "Oh X is close to taking their first step... anyday now" when they have ALREADY done with you? Surely the time to approach this is when you ACTUALLY DO see the signs? Perhaps I am missing the point here, but by telling a parent X is close to a milestone when they are close can prepare them incase it does happen with you, that way you can asked, would you like me to take some video for you, send you a picture, call you if X does so happen to do it here... Or would you rather not know?

At least you are being honest and not "lieing" to them... perhaps they would prefer to know when they truely did walk, parents are not stupid and it is a fact they have to face when returning to work... it is how it is dealt with that is important