Is there anything more frustrating...

[Mouse]

...than a child who refuses to say Thank You!

I have a 2yr old mindee who will not say thank you, or ta. His speech is quite delayed, but he can say Ta. He just refuses to!

What's the psychology behind it? Is there a reason why they do it?

I've tried all sorts - always saying thank you to him when he hands me something, praising the other children when they say it, offering him different suggestions (thank you, ta, signing, even thumbs up!), but he will make no acknowledgement at all. He'll put more effort into having a tantrum at being prompted than it would take to say it!

I know he'll get there in the end, so I'll just carry on doing what I do.

But it did get me thinking, WHY do they do it? Is there some theory behnd it?

[Tippy Toes]

Do his parents make him say thank you /ta? If he has not been brought up to say thanks maybe that's why?

[EmmaReed84]

I think manners come from the parents. Both myself and DH will always say please and thank you to each other. "Can you pass the remote please, thank you" "excuse me, please, thank you" both my children use manners, even my 3 year will say "excuse me, please" other people seem to think it is amazing but to us it is our everyday language.

If there are times when the kids forget (which lets face we all do at some point) I have a look which seems to prompt them. They even do it to me if I forget lol

[uf353432]

Personally I wouldn't make an issue out of it and normally it will come right in the end. With all young children I give them something and say 'Thankyou' if they don't say it back - then I don't push it - I reinforce manners when they are over 3 and have a greater understanding of cause and effect. For example if i'm giving them something I say 'Thankyou' whilst still holding onto the item and let go when they say thank you back.

[TooEarlyForGin?]

It can be frustrating, maybe try and make a fuss over the children that do say thank your or please, maybe giving the others a little sticker when they do, but like uf says, keep repeating it and not make an issue or it may get even harder as he will get more determined not to do it.

[Splodge]

I have a 22 mth old mindee whose speech is very advanced. He will repeat anything and put it in context and has been saying please and thankyou in some form or another since he was about 14 mths old.

Two weeks ago he stopped saying it for anybody and you only have to ask him once and he will have a major tantrum. He seems to know what he is doing as sometimes he will ask for something and go straight into a tantrum even before i have had time to respond.

He is a very easy going little boy generally, but he seems to have reached that stage where he wants to have more control and please and thankyou seem to be the words he is using.

He is not the first lo who i have looked after who has done this, and i have a couple of please and thankyou rhymes that we sing and he doesn't have any problem saying the words in the rhymes.

[Mouse]

His parents are very polite, so I don't think it's that he doesn't hear it. His mum says he is just the same at home and won't say it.

This is a deliberate, conscious refusal to say it. For example, handing out snack last week I put the bowls down and one child said Thank You without prompting, one I said "can you remember what we say?", and they said it. With the 2yr old I said "Can you say Thank You?". He looked away & clamped his mouth shut! Obvioulsy he had his snack anyway and i said thank you when he handed me his empty bowl back.

It's not a case of not being able to say it, not understaning it, or not having heard it used. This is the phase children go through when they point blank refuse to say it & would rather go without whatever it is than say thank you!

I just wondered if anyone had ever figured out why some children do it. Is it a control thing, is it an attention thing, or is it just one of those things they do that we'll never understand why?

[Mouse]

I have a 22 mth old mindee whose speech is very advanced. He will repeat anything and put it in context and has been saying please and thankyou in some form or another since he was about 14 mths old.

Two weeks ago he stopped saying it for anybody and you only have to ask him once and he will have a major tantrum. He seems to know what he is doing as sometimes he will ask for something and go straight into a tantrum even before i have had time to respond.

He is a very easy going little boy generally, but he seems to have reached that stage where he wants to have more control and please and thankyou seem to be the words he is using.

He is not the first lo who i have looked after who has done this, and i have a couple of please and thankyou rhymes that we sing and he doesn't have any problem saying the words in the rhymes.

That's exactly what I meant! My mindee can say it, so I know that's not the problem.

I know the phase passes, but I'm intrigued to know if there's a theory behind it.

[Splodge]

I wish i knew why they do it, it is incredibly frustrating and yes he hears it all the time at home.

I don't know either why some children go through this phase and others don't.

[uf353432]

I personally think it is a control thing and at 2 years old children often push the boundaries in part to see where they are and also to test their carers to ensure that their love really is unconditional. I think that it can become attention seeking if a child gets any attention for it, and normally it passes when a child is satisfied that they have pushed the boundary sufficiently enough, but if they realise they get attention for it the behaviour might go on longer than neccessary. In other children they do it with mealtimes and eating, others it could be sleeping and others it could be refusal to simply put away toys after playing with them, holding onto the pushchair. Well thats my take on it and why I don't really make a big deal of it, I like phases to pass really quickly lol!

[flowerpots]

This is interesting, i have z (20months) who refused to say thankyou for about a month, she says it now and I thought it was just her but obviously its a stage some children just go through, it is INCREDIBLY frustrating though, especially when they have said it countless times before. :rolleyes:

x

[loocyloo]

i've had a couple of mindees in the past who have done this, and it drove me potty!!!

i'd be really interested to know if it is an actual 'stage' they go through!

[karen m]

I have mindee who will be 4 in March he still has to be prompted to say please thank you ,if i say say thank you he looks at me like i am an alien ,have to say 3/4 times before he will say it ,so annoying ,same with flushing toilet i ask after he has been we live in bungalow so can hear if chain is flushed and he will say yes are you sure yes i never heard no i never , ahhhhh

[The Juggler]

i think it is just control, independence and pushing the boundaries - same as refusing to go to bed, put on shoes, coats etc. :o

[Tealady]

My DS is nearly 2 and a half. He sometimes forgets if he is focused or excited to get what he has been given, but then still won't say it when prompted. V.frustrating!

He does redeem himself as now if I say thank-you to him when he give me something he replies with "ooh elcome"

[catlyn]

I have a 28month old who doesnt have very good speech but can say hello bye ta shoes and another 4 or 5 words....but no matter how many times i ask him or encourage to say those words he just clamps his mouth shut and looks away...if I observe him playing and chattering to himself the words are clearly to be heard...its a control thing with him im sure....he refuses to "speak on demand" for me or his mum

[zippy]

Politeness doesn't mean anything to young children, unless you explain the reasoning I always say to the children to watch the other persons mouth when you say thankyou it makes people smile kids love to make other people smile, they understand that, they may font otherwise with enough coaxing but they are just following the motions, this way they are getting something out of it too.

[PixiePetal]

I had one 2 yr old who refused to say thank you even though he had good speech - last straw and had me in fits of laughter was when he said 'no, I not know how say thank you' :laughing:

any sound will do - from 18months I like a bit of effort given to make a sound.