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View Full Version : Advice URGENTLY needed.Difficult parent !



tetti
24-01-2012, 09:06 AM
I thought I'd ask your advice before deciding on what action to take.I got a text on Sunday afternoon from a mindee's mum,telling me her boy had the chicken pox.I informed her that she could not bring him back to my setting until all the blisters has scabbed over (as these are the general guidelines) he got back to me again,saying "We'll see,I am sure he'll be perkier in a few days!".I replied,saying (and these are my exact words) "I have to follow the guidelines,and I cannot mind (insert child's name here) until all the blisters has scabbed over as he will still be contageous until then.(other mindee's) mother is as you know pregnant,and should she come in contact with this virus,it could pose a risk to her unborn baby.I am sure you can appreciate this,and I look forward to seein (mindee's name) again when he has recovered from the chickenpox"

Ok,6 more texts followed,and I kept refering to the above message.Then the next day,yesterday,she sent me a message on facebook (!) -we are not friends on there,but obviouly,she found me (she could have called or emailed me).her message went "I am very upset,you are accusing me of not loving my son,and of being a bad person who wants my son to spread his germs that could harm or kill an unborn baby!Maybe I am sensitive,but that is how you made me feel!"

Now,I did only send her the above message,and kept refering to that,so how she could read between the lines like that,I am utterly gobsmacked !
I did send her a reply,asking her how she could possibly misinterpret ""I have to follow the guidelines,and I cannot mind (insert child's name here) until all the blisters has scabbed over as he will still be contageous until then.(other mindee's) mother is as you know pregnant,and should she come in contact with this virus,it could pose a risk to her unborn baby.I am sure you can appreciate this,and I look forward to seein (mindee's name) again when he has recovered from the chickenpox" as me telling her that she does not love her son and that she is a bad mother?

Honestly,I have dealt with some odd people in the past,but this really defies belief! I sen her a reply,asking her how she could possibly misinterpret my words like this,when all I did was telling her that she could not bring her boy back to my setting until he's recovered from the chickenpox.

How would you handle this? I am just sat shaking my head in disbelief here tbh...:panic:
I am really not sure if I can continue to have a working relationship with this woman,as I'd feel like I was treading on eggshells all the time,afraid of her reading into everything I say,and hear/see things that are not there...you can't work like that.I feel so stressed (and I am normally as cool as a cucumber) as I really do not know how to handle this situation.Any advice is greatly appreciated :)

Ps.This lady and her other half are friends of my child's uncle and fiance (which is how they found out about me),and we're all invited to their wedding,so talk about complicated here (may have to stay at home for that one I think! ;)

rickysmiths
24-01-2012, 09:18 AM
Oh dear. Lesson one do not have business conversations via Text! It leads to all sorts of misunderstandings.

I would have rung her and had a chat.

To firstly find out when the first spots appeared and ask if she had been to the doctor to have it confirmed. I always think it is better to talk about things like this. I would give her a ring now and have a chat about it all, that way you can get a better feel for things. You can explain to her why you have to exclude and for how long.

My dd had very mild Chicken Pox and only one spot, we hadn't even realized she had had it! My son on the other hand was covered from head to foot in spots and was very poorly. This mum may be worried about the child, worried about being off work and you can't get a feel for all of that from a text or Facebook .

I suspect she had taken offense to the comment about the pregnant mum.

Mouse
24-01-2012, 09:25 AM
The HPA guidelines say exclulsion for 5 days from the onset of spots, so I would email her a link to the website where she can see it for herself. I have to be honest, I wouldn't have said anything about the other mum as it's not relevent. I would just have said "These are the guidelines. This is my policy. This is what I am sticking to".

I would then phone her rather than sending texts or facebook messages.

Tell her that you are sorry she feels like she does, but you have a duty to consider the health of all the children in your care, which is why you follow the guidelines as set out by the Health Protection Agency. Say you are disappointed that she cannot respect your decision, but that at no point have you suggested she does not love her son.

EmmaReed84
24-01-2012, 09:27 AM
I could not agree more with the above...

Call her and explain. I would apologise for any misunderstanding, but NOT for what was said as that was fact, not accusation.

I would explain that as a childminder your job is not to judge anyone but ensure the health and safety of all those in your care including yourself and other families who may be at risk.

tetti
24-01-2012, 09:37 AM
She is selfemployed and works from home,and she'll only ever talk on the phone late at night,ie,after 11 pm,and I have a policy of only talking shop during shop hours :) Also,her accent is so very strong that I can barely understand it (we are both foreign,and have both been here for 20 odd years,but whereas I have integrated into the British society,she only socialises with her fellow countrymen,so her English,written and spoken,is very poor,hence even more misunderstandings!...dear oh dear....) She does not understand or respect that i have a personal life outside work,so she may call or text as late at midnight! I have repeatedly told her she has to discuss workrelated matters with me during working hours,and have had to switch my phone off at night when I go to bed,because if it rings,it'll be her.I had previous problems with her reg fees too.it states in the contract that she has to pay 3 days/fees per week,regardless of how many days she leaves her child with me,and we agreed on this when drawing up the contract.Now she seems to think that she can leave him here one day/week,and just pay me for 4 days/month (and I have to refer back to the contract again) She is very sensitive too.Let's say that all the parents come at the same time to collect their children,and I try to chat to everyone at once,and give everyone my equal attention,then I'll get a text saying somehting along the lines of "You seemed very busy,have I annoyed you? are you trying to avoid me?"...and I'm going "What is she on about?!?" She seems to need constant reassurance,and I am not sure that I can deal with that.

Pipsqueak
24-01-2012, 11:23 AM
I think you need to sit down and chat to the parent. Invite her in for a chat - you might need to break your own rule and extend your working hours for a bit but I think you need to clear the air and lay out some ground rules - such as no texts/communication after xyz time unless its an emergency, and so on...

wellybelly
24-01-2012, 11:31 AM
Agree with all of the above. A term I like to use to try and get the point across is "Its a matter of Infection Control" then I waft the HPA Guidelines at them. Its such a useful document. I give all my parents a copy of this when they first start with me and have found myself issueing several more copies as and when required.

The Juggler
24-01-2012, 01:43 PM
I could not agree more with the above...

Call her and explain. I would apologise for any misunderstanding, but NOT for what was said as that was fact, not accusation.

I would explain that as a childminder your job is not to judge anyone but ensure the health and safety of all those in your care including yourself and other families who may be at risk.

I agree. people are funny and oversensitive - best way forward here a meeting or phone call :thumbsup:

Tippy Toes
24-01-2012, 01:49 PM
I would give her a call to explain about the reason for exclusion due to chickenpox.

Also maybe its worth arranging a meeting with mum sometime in the future so that you can have a chat about your working day and that you dont always have time to have a long chat and that you need to talk to the other parents too.

Hope things work out xx

rosebud
24-01-2012, 01:57 PM
If this was me I would apologise that I upset her and assure her that I know she is a good parent and would never infer otherwise. I would tell her that guidelines are in place to protect all children and that I was just trying to make it clear that the child couldn't return to the setting until she was fully recovered but I didn't mean to upset her.
I would then leave it at that. Once I had apologised that should be the end of it.

It does sound as though this parent may be trying to manipulate you by using emotions but she could just be very sensitive and need a lot of reassurance. Either way I wouldn't communicate with her by text or on facebook in the future.

tetti
24-01-2012, 09:41 PM
Thank you everyone for taking the time out to give me some much needed advice:)
I have to clarify that I did not respond to her facebook message,as I could not get hold of her by phone,I replied to that message by email.Also,int he past when I had some difficulties with a parent,I was adviced by my local childcare co-ordinator (who's sadly been made redundant last year along with the rest of the team) to communicate via text/email as that means that I'll always have every conversation on record,and can refer back to it if needed,whereas when you discuss some issues over the phone,it's a case of "She said,I said".But yes,talking on the phone leave less room for misinterpretation:) I just cannot understand this lady when she talks though (I know that sounds terrible,but I cannot sugarcoat the truth:),it's easier when I see her face to face as I can help her find the words through gestures,pictures etc,but on the phone that is not possible.

As she does not answer her phone,I had to email her today,I told her that I was sorry for causing any upset as that was not my intention,but I made no apologies for what I said,as it was fact. I also only told her about the other mindee's poregnant mum as this lady said "Well,it's not like my boy is a risk to anyone if you look after him whilst he is still ill,I am sure his parents won't catch it and it's only good if he (my other mindee) gets it now".I then refered to the guidelines,and added that his mother is expecting a baby (I probably did not need to mention this,but she was so arrogant about it)

This eve I spoke to someone who knows her (my ex as it happens) when he came to see our child,he could see that I was very stressed,and asked if it had anything to do with her,and yes,I know it may be unprofessional to discuss these things with others,but I needed to talk and get all this stress off my chest.I found out that she acts in a similar way with his brother and his other half.If they do not reply to her calls or texts straightaway,she will text back "Are you mad with me? Have I annoyed you? Are you trying to avoid me?"etc etc. This to me, points to her being needy,and maybe it's just not me that she has these issues of insecurity with.I feel like I am forever treading on eggshells with her.This is not the first time that she has misinterpreted what I said.Gosh,on boxing day I was out hitting the sales,my phone in my pocket,when I took it out an hour or so later,there was 5 missed calls,4 vm's and 8,yes,eight texts! Most asking if I was avoiding her,or if she'd upset or annoyed me.I called her to say that I happened to be in the W.End hitting the sales,and was it something urgent as she called me during the holidays? No,she just wanted to find out if her boy had ever had kiwi fruit at mine! :panic:

Goatgirl
24-01-2012, 09:50 PM
She sounds very hard work and I'd be wary of working with a parent who is so paranoid, just waiting for her to make a complaint about something she's imagined.

If it was me, I'd give notice at the first opportunity I'm afraid. Couldn't cope with the worry :panic:

Good luck with her moving forward whatever you decide :thumbsup:

best wishes,
Wendy :)

mushpea
24-01-2012, 10:01 PM
is the stress and upset worth the money? if not then give notice simpels

tetti
29-01-2012, 09:27 AM
Thank you all :)
Well,a quick update...We sorted things out,or so I thought,and she apologised,she said she is being overly sensitive and always misread everything,but she will do her best to not jump to conlusions in future.So,as I adore her boy,I decided to give her another chance.Then yesterday she sent me an email "I still find it very strange and weird,and no to mention extremely unfair that you was uwilling to look after (her son's name) when he had the chickenpox,and I do not understand why"....so basically,all I had said had gone out of the window,she simply does not listen at all.Then she added "I do not understand why we should have to discuss this face to face or during working hours,I don't mind discussing this over the weekend,because I work most weekends,so these are my working hours!"...I give up!

So,I did reply by email (as she did not answer her phone) and basiclaly said that would she kindly respect the policies that I have in place,and if not,perhaps it's better that we end this arrangement (not in these exact words,but to give you the gist of it),and I also said I would have prefered to discuss this face to face.

I am not willing to deal with this woman anymore,it's not worth all the stress.How would you word the notice of termination of contract if you were me? What would you give as the reason?Breakdown in communication? I haven't written one for about 5 years,so would welcome your input:)

Thank you ladies:) xx

singingcactus
29-01-2012, 03:51 PM
I feel for you. You've tried so hard to explain simply and without allowing emotion to get in the way. I feel that texting is a valid means of communication - we are after all in 2012!.

The mum is upset that she is not going to have childcare, that's all. She's trying to make you feel bad for not providing care.

We all know that 99% of the time chicken pox is an irritating but harmless childhood disease. However, the reason we exclude for this illness is for the 1% of the time when this disease becomes LIFE THREATENING!

We do everything in our power to stop the spread of this disease cos children die from the complications it can have!

Stand firm, tell mum you know this is probably going to be a trivial disease for her son, and you understand that to her it seems weird that you are unable to offer care, BUT there is good medical reasoning for needing to quarantine her son. But you do so look forward to having him back as soon as the last spot is scabbed over.

You are in the right, and I am very sorry for you that mum is unable to understand the reasoning behind the exclusion. I do get why she feels this way, cos it is so often a silly little disease, and she probably doesn't even realise it can be life threatening.

Good luck, and I hope you get through it with her. You've done nothing wrong with texting her though, that is how some people communicate - I do, I have a hearing disorder which make telephone calls virtually impossible.

tetti
29-01-2012, 04:56 PM
Thank you for your advice singingcactus:)
I feel that I cannot work with this woman anymore as she keeps questioning my policies all the time,she keeps disregarding the terms of the contract,and she will sometimes call me just before midnight (last time she did that was in Dec) I have never had problems like these with any other parents,not ones where a person keeps misreading/reading into everything you say,and who,after you have solved an issue,keeps dragging it up over and over again,although it has been solved.She does not respect how I run my business,she does not appreciate the fact that I do go out of my way to cook her son two different vegetarian meals a day as she does not want him to eat chicken/meat/fish (this is quite costly as I provide the food),I have gone out of my way to accomodate her,and like a dear friend said today,because I look "nice" and am nice,people see me as an easy target,and try to take advantage.But also,because she knows my child's uncle and auntie (on her dad's side) she seems to assume that I will bend the rules for her,and I won't.I just cannot deal with the stress that she brings into my life no more,as a single parent I have so much on my plate anyway,and the other parents would never do anything but support me.They have never question my policy,and always thanks me for looking after their little one so well,as they can tell he is happy here (He claps his hands and screams "Yes!!!" as soon as he sees my house),and that makes me feel valued.But his woman on the other hand makes me feel like crap to be honest as she is forever harassing me at all hours of the day,no respect for the fact that I have a personal life.I mean,had she been a bloke,I'd have thought he had a problem and got a harrassment order out ;).I just have to find a way to word this notice of termination of contract in a way that she cannot misunderstand

Baildon bears
29-01-2012, 05:03 PM
I remember an old Aunt used to say, there's no such thing as funny as folk. She was quite true, especially parents of mindees:rolleyes:, I have found the worst are the buisness women who want a career but feel guilty about not being there for Their child, feel jealous about the bond we have with there child. = a very hard parent to work with. I've been there. She does sound like a nutter though. I feel for you. You will feel a big weight when you give notice. Just keep notice simple, just give finishing date, and but a bit about how you have enjoyed looking after mindee and you wish them all the best for the future. Don't but any reasons in it. You are entitled to give notice you don't have to explain your self. I would also try not to get drawn in to silly disussions with this lady. Good luck

rickysmiths
29-01-2012, 05:22 PM
It sounds to me as if she has a language problem and is not understanding your written Policies etc because she can't read English well enough. Nor can she understand the complexities of the language used in discussing issues at your meeting. She is probably very good at covering it up.

You don't say what Nationality she is but it may be worth talking to your Childrens Centre to see if they could access an interpreter for you both.

I must say I think you need to be a little more flexible about taking time out of normal minding hours to talk to her. I agree 11pm at night is unreasonable. However I would rather meet with parents when I am not minding because I can't give them my full attention when I have mindees around. I also know that parents have other commitments and talking at the end of the day when the children are tired, you are tired and the parent is is not always the best time.

tetti
29-01-2012, 05:28 PM
Thank you so much for the kind words Basildon bears .I have just written a notice letter along those lines,and got my girl's dad (who luckily came around just now) to read it to make sure it was worded correctly (he is an office manager and deals with contracts all the time:)

I know she will probably try to draw me into silly discussions/arguments,but I just won't get into any of that.And if she makes a complaint,I have saved every email and text,so she'd not have a leg to stand on.
I just know that all the stress and this sick feeling I have in my stomach at the moment will go as soon as I have served her notice.Keep your fingers crossed for me:)

Baildon bears
29-01-2012, 05:48 PM
Your welcome:D, try to reflect on your setting, how you have handled, could you have done anything different and made a bad experience a positive one. It's time to make sure you are really professional. I have just had a simular situation, I have got a lovely new mindee and parent so things always work out for the best. Xx

boxtree7
29-01-2012, 06:13 PM
As silly as it seems ..... I am forever reading text message wrong .... I have now learnt never to reply immediately. I have re-read again and again and then reply.