problems with mindee

[claire710]

I posted this on netmums for help, and was pointed in the direction of this forum by Vicky - thanks by the way xx

Hi all,

I'm new to this, so was hoping someone may be able to offer advice.

I registered as a childminder in Sept, and have had a little boy with me for the past 2 weeks. He's 18 months old, and has been in nursery full time since he was 5 months. I have a 2 (almost 3 year old) and a 10 month old of my own, both boys.

The little boy I look after can be quite aggressive, he's already given me a ****** nose twice, dragged my 2 year old backwards off of a step when they were painting together, has hit my 10 month old on occasion (he's learning to crawl) and will hit me when I'm feeding him (still breastfeeding!) and is always pushing by boys around.

His parents just apologise for the behaviour and pass it off as still learning, but he doesn't listen to them when they tell him off and whenever I tell him he shouldn't do it and separate him to try and stop it he hits me then just screams!

I feel like giving up. Also he was sick yesterday, so I had him collected, but then because he was fine the rest of the day she wanted me to have him again today. I've stuck with the 48 hour exclusion but she's not happy at all. Now my little boy's unwell.

She also has not been very forthcoming with info, and only seems to admit to things when I mention them. Then she seems to say 'oh yeh, when he does that we do this'. It makes me think that I should have just gone back to my part time job I had and I just want to give this up already. After only 2 weeks, I'm worried that one of my boys could become seriously hurt!

Please could someone give me any pointers, or anything else I could try. I'm already at my wits end!!

[Velleity]

Personally I could not tolerate a child that hurt my children and recently gave notice on one that did. I would do so again. I am happy to try and work through bad behaviour with the parents complete support but if it gets to the stage where it's too physical, my childrens safety will always come first and I will give them notice.

I am sure other Childminders will have good advice too on what to do if you do decide to continue caring for this child, which is of course your decision.

[sarah707]

As you are only 2 weeks into the contract you have 2 options -

1. You can give notice immediately as you should have a 4 week settling in period written into your contracts. You repay any money that hasn't been used out of the initial months' payment and call it quits

2. You sit parents down and talk honestly about the issues and either they work with you or you give notice in say 1 months' time if you do not see a significant improvement.

If everyone is working together you should be able to sort it out pretty quickly but there has to be a consistent approach.

Hugs xx

[caz3007]

Welcome to our happy forum.

I wonder why the child left the nursery, if he was having problems there.

I would also add that if you sit down with the parents and they agree to work with you, perhaps you should consider extending the settling period so if it doesnt work out then you can finish immediately.

[claire710]

they left nursery as a childminder is cheaper, so it was to save money - that's what they've said.

I just feel a bit lost, and am beginning to think I've made a huge mistake doing this.

He won't be back now until Monday anyway, as he was sick whilst in my care yesterday, and now my little boy's ill too. I have the added problem that mum drops hm off on her way to work, so she's rushing, and dad picks him up. I always have to repeat myself to her in the mornings as he hasn't passed on anything I've said.

I might try extending the settling in period, and I'm going to continue to note everything he does and get both parents to sign it. I don't want to give up but my little ones don't deserve it either. my eldest (albeit only 2) keeps asking me not to let Ethan stay cos he's always pushing him, and asks me to go and get a job. He wants to play in his room away from him all the time, and will come into the kitchen with me whenever I'm out there. It's making me feel reallt bad.

The added pressure is that we need the money, and it took a while to get this child in!

thanks for the advice though. might give it another couple of weeks, and then terminate if need be!

please tell me it gets easier

[Wendybird]

Do you have a sense of why he is doing it? My first mindee (17 months) scratched my 2 year olds face a lot (badly) and even bit him once. I realised he was doing it when he felt vulnerable, was tired, or was jealous (like when I was BF my 4 month old). I worked on building a strong relationship with him, kept my kids out of reach when I knew he was getting 'scratchy' - doing things like painting at the table across from each other or keeping him by my side reading or whatever. I tried not to give him the opportunity, but also tried not to tell him off as I didn't want to damage our relationship and figured it would get better as he got more secure with me and how my house runs. I didn't leave him in the room with the baby, ever, not even for a second, without me right there. If I had to pop upstairs to put the baby down to bed, I started to put him in the highchair or in a travel cot so that he couldn't scrach DS1 (mum knew this and was supportive). It took maybe 6 or so weeks, but he did stop. Remember, he's just a baby and his whole world has been turned upside down. Your kids don't deserve it, but it isn't malicious on his part either. I practised with my son holding up his hand and saying 'STOP ******, gentle hands'. It didn't make any difference, but I wanted DS1 to feel he had a tool in his defense. Good luck with it, I hope it gets easier for you!

[betty boop]

If hes upsetting your children then maybe you should give him notice its not fair on them or you but I would not give up all together its a shame your first 2 weeks have been the way they have but its not always like that I have 5 minded children and 3 children of my own and they all get on really well. Good luck with what ever you decide to do.

[PixiePetal]

I cared for a child when my son was 10 months old, she was 18 months old.

She used to bite him on the head and face mostly - I usually managed to intervene but not every time.

I had a chat with parents, said we need to work from the same page for behaviour management and I would give it 4 weeks max to sort the problem to a manageable level for the sake of my son and family. They understood and did not want to lose me so carried on my suggestions of diversion when it looked likely as a first thing then removal and sitting out/in the buggy and explaining it to her - she was a very bright child in understanding but not speech.

It was better within 2 weeks - well with me anyway:rolleyes: - not sure she was quite as good at home as she used to bite her mum at collection :rolleyes:

Child stayed with me till she started school so it is possible to turn it around if all parties are working together.

[claire710]

I tried speaking with the parents this morning, to see how they and I could work together to try and solve the problem. An hour later they call me and take him out of my care, and they're placing him back into nursery.

I feel like a bit of a failure to be honest, but am unsure what else I could have done. The parents clearly didn't want to work with me, but now I'm left with no work and no money!

I'm not sure that anything would have changed with the behaviour, but I was at least willing to give it a go.

[Pipsqueak]

I tried speaking with the parents this morning, to see how they and I could work together to try and solve the problem. An hour later they call me and take him out of my care, and they're placing him back into nursery.

I feel like a bit of a failure to be honest, but am unsure what else I could have done. The parents clearly didn't want to work with me, but now I'm left with no work and no money!

I'm not sure that anything would have changed with the behaviour, but I was at least willing to give it a go.

you are NOT a failure at all - you have tried your utmost - you have sought professional peer advice in your bid to help this child, you have done everything right and tried to speak to the parents.
That saying.. you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.... applies right now.

Sounds like the parents are in a bit of denial then doesn't it... they are running scared about something and this is NOT something you can do anything about - if they don't want to work with you for the benefit of their child its THEIR loss. A childminder who cares is worth their weight in gold.

I am guessing they are still within their settling in period - so just make sure written notice and fees paid up to date are sorted.

And heres to fingers x'd that you get a good workable family next time.


sending a hug xx

[lauren1979]

It's really up to you if you want to stick with it, but it IS just a phase :)

My son was similar, but has stopped as his communication/speech has improved it was a combination of frustration and jealousy I think. I found this article helpful as children of that age respond much better to 'do this' rather then 'don't do that!' exclusions/telling off. http://www.dwd.com/articles/05_02.asp

[blue bear]

It's an awful Shame this has happened with your first mindee but take what you can from it and move forward, advertise every where, meet other minders at groups and join toddler groups/ childrens centres where people can get to see how brilliant you are. Tell EVERYONE you are a a childminder and hopefully you will soon fill your place with a happy easy going child who has supportive parents.

Welcome to childminding and the forum it can be very rewarding with the right combination of child and family.

[ziggy]

please dont be hard on yourself, you are not a failure. It amazes me after being in childcare for over 30yrs how parents blame everyone but themselves for their child's behaviour. I had a child similar to your mindee, i had meetings with mum for nearly 6months and in the end had to give notice. He is with another minder now and his behaviour is no better

I'm sure you will soon find another family, good luck and enjoy

[serenbach]

Hiya
This is all so familiar.

I ve been childminding for 5 yrs and have enjoyed every moment of it until recently.. I now care for a 3 yr old whose behaviour is very disruptive. He hits, pushes and shouts at other mindees, my own children and myself if he doesn't get his own way.

My children dread him coming and will play in their bedrooms to stay away from him!!!

Have tried all the promoting positive behaviour strategies but can't seem to get through to him at all.

I am at the end of my tether...he is taking up so much of my time that I feel the other mindees and my own children are missing out on the attention they need from me....I ve never had to terminate a contract before and am feeling really guilty....don't know what to do for the best.