Giving notice bad idea?!

[smurfette]

Hia

Still having ongoing problems with one of my mindees .. Mum is very nice but paying a lot of lip service and not helping me with her .. She is 16 months and I have minded her since April and her behaviour is getting worse not better .. Basically she is very spoiled at home and by extended family and basically has a meltdown every time she doesn't get her own way ... Usually just simple things like not touching the tv etc. It is just exhausting and having had my own three home this week (school not back Til next week here) and two other mindees I am feeling quite stressed. I do think lo also isn't getting enough sleep (mum says she sleeps well at night but doesnt have her in a routine at weekends she doesnt nap at all apparently) and Is better when she has napped lots during the day but that isnt always possible with school runs etc .. And my other mindees do better when they all get out and about in the mornings ... Anyway I will see how it goes next week when we are
all back in routine again but dh is fed up of her and my moaning and
my own kids really resented her this week although happy enough with the
other little ones (vicious circle I know if I am stressed with her). Problem
is if I do give notice her big sister is in school with my girls and it is a really
small school so things would be very awkward. I was very Frank with mum
yesteday and said I had had a very challenging day with her but there is
always some reason .. This time that she had had vaccines the day before..
And yet today she told me dad thought she was worse than his younger
brother .. Anyway I am rambling sorry just need to vent!

I know of another mum at the school who had a run in with her because mindees sister told her daughter was fat and ugly and mum just said 'well yo should put your daughter on a diet (age 7!) so nobody gives her any hassle :eek: so apparently mum not too nice if crossed and definitely not approachable .. Her children are perfect!!

[AliceK]

I wish I could advise but I'm in the same position, had mindee for 18mths and getting to the point now where I question whether it's worth it. My OH keeps telling me to give notice as he knows how bad things are but there's a small part of me that feels guilty for the child.

xxxx

[wendywu]

Welljust let her have her melt down. If you are at home just pop her in the cot out of the way until she calms down.

If you are out just strap her in her buggy. So long as she can do no harm to herself she is ok.

You need to just let it go over your head, she is not hurt, cold, or hungry it is just temper. If she gets a reaction then she has won, it is basically a battle of wills to see if she is stronger than you.

Good luck x

[miffy]

I agree with wendywu - mindee is obviously used to getting her own way at home using these tactics but she will soon learn it doesn't work with you.

Good luck

Miffyxx xx

[AliceK]

I agree with wendywu - mindee is obviously used to getting her own way at home using these tactics but she will soon learn it doesn't work with you.

Good luck

Miffyxx xx

I wish this would work with my mindee :(. I always ignore tantrums (trying to talk to her makes it worse) but she can go on and on, Thursday she had one for 40mins :eek:. Luckily we were in the house at the time but you can imagine the looks I get when we are out and about.

xxx

[smurfette]

Thanks all for replies..
Alice k nice to know I am not alone! I usually would agree with the others that they do know there are different rules here but I think it really makes it so much tougher and takes so so much longer when parents arent on the same page! I have had her so long I would have thought I would have cracked her by now because I have not put up with it! Might try putting her in the cot in the playroom alright, I have tried the playpen in the same room as me and the highchair in the kitchen and she does calm down and then is all smiles when I pick her up .. She still thinks she has got what she wants! The other day she had a meltdown because I was comforting my own child who was hurt so I told her she needed to wait and when my child went off I picked her up then she went off all smiles .. My friend was here open mouthed she seems so manipulative (she is bright for her age)

Anyway I suppose I really wanted to know whether I was trapped in this because of meeting mum at school am a bit worried as we moved our girls there this year so haven't build a reputation there yet! I am getting lots of enquiries here so think I could replace her ok.. How about you Alice k? Could you replace yours or live without the money? 40 minutes is shocking and it's not fair on other mindees

[smurfette]

How about you Alice k? Could you replace yours or live without the money? 40 minutes is shocking and it's not fair on other mindees[/QUOTE]

Sorry realised that sounds like I am having a go at you! Mean not fair on anyone's other mindees when one plays up like that .. Dh reckons my other mindees and my own girls are missing out cos I spend so much time listening to her whingeing and sorting her out

[AliceK]

The thing is if mum was the type of person I could talk to about it without her getting upset and if we could work together on things then I would carry on but as mum and dad don't discipline their children because they hate to see them upset :eek: I am just banging my head on a brick wall. I have had this child since she was a year old, she will be 3 soon and things have just got worse as she gets older. I feel scared to go out with her because I know she will kick off for the slightest thing and it's beginning to impact on what I do with the other mindees. I promised OH I would give notice in Jan but I feel so guilty and feel it will come as a complete shock to mum even though I have tried so hard to tactfully explain my concerns to her. The problem is I used to look after her older brother as well and I gave notice to him because of his behaviour after 3 mths and I feel really bad now doing it to this mindee. I don't care about the money, I know I can soon replace the money and even if I couldn't I would rather enjoy my job again than begin to dread each day and feel hemmed in by this mindee.
Anyway, sorry that went on for longer than I meant to :blush:
My head says to us both to give notice but my heart says it makes me a failure if I do.

xxx

[dette]

This behaviour sounds very much like my third daughter who is now 12.She used to scream the place down if anyone got any attention whatsoever.eg.. the other person had got praise for something or had been hurt or was being told off etc.She would get very upset if she got anything wrong especialy if someone else had noticed or told her off for it. But also she never apeared to learn from being told off.she would just scream uncontrolably but do the same thing again on another occation .she also was very bright and i just couldnt understand what i was doing wrong.my other children were really well behaved and my mindees were all happy and well behaved.As time went on i noticed a few more things ..,no imaginative skills,never did roll play.didnt make friends very well.had to be the best/fastest/first at everything .She started nursery school at 3 1/2 and suprisingly had no issues there whatsoever but developed shingles within 4 weeks of starting.She can hold in her feelings infront of anyone that she doesnt feel totaly comfortable with but this leads to stress .She would just explode into a heap of emotions when i picked her up from school.every little thing that went wrong at school would magnify and build up inside her....
Anyway i now know that my little girl has aspergers syndrome.This often presents differently in girls so can be difficult to diagnose but With my knowledge of what is normal behaviour and my confidence in my own skills.i knew i wasnt getting it wrong .this was recognised from 5 year old.
You are noticing that something isnt right...its not easy but try and stick with her if you can.Sometimes special needs arent as obvious as you might think and with the help of an experienced proffesional like youself the world can be alot less scary x

[karensmart4]

The child's behaviour mirrors one of my mindee's, I wonder about special needs and have tried talking to Mum about strategies etc. but she is VERY defensive.

My one used to get told a firm 'No' but just laughed so I gave 3 warnings which she used up and then she went in 'time out'..... she is 2 1/2 none of this worked, she was also a screamer and she pretends to cry and then gets herself into this mindset and can go on for up to 2 hrs (here and at home).

Nan used to have her 1 day a week but can longer cope so we have her 4 days a wk now.

If she has an 'episode' I strap her in the buggy and tell her, 'when she's quiet she can come back and join in with whatever we are doing'. She thrives on 1:1 and hates you paying any attention to anyone or anything else.

Anyway back in Sept I'd had enough (I would have given notice but I work with someone else so we persevered), I tried to talk to Mum again but she was having none of it, so I gave her a letter telling her I was increasing my fee's by 50p an hr from Jan 2012, if she wanted to review her contract then of course she only needed to give 4 weeks notice of any changes in writing.

I thought she might reduce her hours or even give notice but she didn't and her fee's increased this month, but at least I know we are getting paid a bit extra for the stress.

In Sept this year she will be moving on to nursery where Mum is EY Teacher and head of EYFS for nursery and attached school.

[AliceK]

I think my mindee has SN but am unsure what. I know her brother does but I don't know what. As usual I am kept completely in the dark about everything. That's what gets me :censored: the most. How can I work with a child with poss SN if I have no idea what SN it could be and how the family will be getting help :angry:

xxx

[karensmart4]

I think my mindee has SN but am unsure what. I know her brother does but I don't know what. As usual I am kept completely in the dark about everything. That's what gets me :censored: the most. How can I work with a child with poss SN if I have no idea what SN it could be and how the family will be getting help :angry:

xxx

Have you got a development officer that you could talk to and maybe arrange to meet Mum together to talk about the best way forward?

[AliceK]

Have you got a development officer that you could talk to and maybe arrange to meet Mum together to talk about the best way forward?

Mum wont discuss anything that could be termed in the least bit negative about her child. Plus I have no idea whether I have a DO or not. We don't get any help / support here as far as I'm aware.
My thoughts are leaning towards having a meeting with mum and telling her straight (in a tactful way of course) and making it clear that I am unable to continue caring for her child unless things improve. It may make her tell me the truth about what could be the problem in which case I will work with them but if not then I give notice.
I have had to deal with loads of unwanted behaviour in the past both in this job, in my previous nannying jobs and as a parent myself and parents have always worked with me in dealing with problems, I can cope with that, but when you have a parent who cannot be honest, cannot deal with disciplining their children and gets very defensive about anything then I can't work with them any longer.

xxxxxx

[karensmart4]

I think I would set up a meeting to show and discuss child's LJ and then point a few things out.......... say's me who has tried this and got nowhere doing it....... If she then wont cooperate I would give notice. You can't go on like this with no support or back up. In your notice letter you could point out that you feel the child needs more individual care and unfortunately you feel that your setting is too busy for the child to receive as much 1:1 as you would like to give her. Wish her well for her future and it would be nice to hear about how the child is getting on from time to time. Don't forget to keep copies of everything for her file in case you need to reflect on anything in the future. Good luck :)

[smurfette]

Thanks all for the advice and Karensmart for the wording of needing more one on one care that's excellent and I could use that! Mindee slept all morning yesterday after mum saying to me yes she had slept well at weekend then was in good form in afternoon, then this morning she told me she hadnt napped Sunday as she 'wouldn't'! Go to sleep before they went out for afternoon. Told her I thought tantrums were worse when she was tired so I might make a point of talking to her about the routine at weekends she seems to be dragged everywhere (which I understand but makes it very difficult for me!)

Today she was whingeing for no reason and did respond when I told her I wouldn't be listening to it so think I might Give it a couple of weeks hein more firm and see how we get on

Thanks so much for listening and advise!

[smurfette]

Alice k just wondering how things are for you ., did you give notice?!