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View Full Version : Bereavement Help pls



SammyM
16-12-2011, 08:12 PM
One of my mindees celebrated his 5th Birthday with me on Thursday, great time after school, lovely birthday tea and cake, mom arrived to collect him looking very red eyed, so I ushered her into the lounge, LO's Grandad had suddenly passed away in his sleep that morning, not been ill or had any medical conditions and was only early 60's so was completely out of the blue :( She'd arranged a little family party for when LO got home so understandably didn't tell him until this morning. I'm probably going to have him on Monday.

Has anyone got any helpful advise that they can offer if they've been in similar circumstances, such awful news at anytime of the year, but on the childs birthday and so near to Christmas is just tragic.

I've offered mom any help she needs with the children over the coming few days, as a friend not a CM, and really want to sensitively support the lovely little lad....

kellib
16-12-2011, 08:17 PM
We lost my auntie in September, she collapsed on the Tuesday, hospital told us she had cancer and she died on the Wednesday night.

I explained it to my 6 year old son in simple terms, just that Auntie T had been ill and the doctors couldn't help so she went to sleep forever. My son focuses on her being a star in the sky at night, she's the brightest one, the one that comes out first cos she hates to miss out on anything! He's drawn her pictures and put them on his bedroom window so she can see them when she comes out at night time.

Basically I think all you can do is answer LO's questions if he has any and just generally talk about his Grandad if he mentions him, that's what I've been doing with my son. Sometimes he'll mention our auntie, some days he doesn't, you just have to take their lead on it.

Pixie dust
16-12-2011, 08:43 PM
I have attended some bereavement training and we were told to keep things at a child's understanding but to be honest and answer any questions. It can be helpful to find out what the parents have told the child so you can say the same.


I explained it to my 6 year old son in simple terms, just that Auntie T had been ill and the doctors couldn't help so she went to sleep forever.

Even though it is a common thing to tell children we were advised against saying that they had gone to sleep as this can cause problems with children being afraid and frightened to go to sleep fearing they never wake up again.

kellib
16-12-2011, 08:46 PM
I have attended some bereavement training and we were told to keep things at a child's understanding but to be honest and answer any questions. It can be helpful to find out what the parents have told the child so you can say the same.



Even though it is a common thing to tell children we were advised against saying that they had gone to sleep as this can cause problems with children being afraid and frightened to go to sleep fearing they never wake up again.

Yeah I get that and I did go into more detail that just that with my son :) he's been okay about it all so far thankfully, I think the fact he has a focus, her being a star (his own thinking, no one told him this or suggested it), helps him and comforts him as he's always talking about how she can see him :) In a way it brings me comfort too :)

Jiorjiina
17-12-2011, 12:06 AM
One of the best things I have seen is the clip from Sesame Street (http://www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3D9NjFbz6vGU8) (v fuzzy, but the best one I could find) that deals with the death of one of the characters. The actor died of a heart attack, so instead of just writing him out or sending him on a long trip they had the character die too, specifically so they could talk about it.

I went to a talk by someone from Winston's Wish as part of some other volunteering, and they actually showed it during the talk as an example of how to talk to children about death.

It still makes me tear up just to watch!

chibault
17-12-2011, 12:29 AM
How sad for the little boy and his family. There's a lovely book called Grandpa by john burningham. Very poignant.

I wonder if coming up with different ways to express himself other than talking about it would be helpful? Maybe try asking him to show how he feels with pencils and paper?

dette
19-12-2011, 08:21 AM
[QUOTE=chibault;1025466]. There's a lovely book called Grandpa by john burningham.



My DS age3 brought this book home from school last week in his reading bag.i wasnt expecting the ending and nearly cried.left me thinkin about my own grandad,not what i was expecting half way through a working day.
When my first husband died when my then 2 kids were only nearly 4 and the other a few days old i told them daddy was in the sky but could always hear us when we talked and watch everything we did.They used to take fathers day and birthday cards to the church where his ashes were buried .

EmmaReed84
19-12-2011, 10:19 AM
OK so this is not the same thing, but my at my nieces christening DS (6) stood on someoneS grave and a relative told him to get off because he was standing on a dead person :angry: :angry:

DS came to me to ask what he meant so DH and I explained that at some point everyone dies and it is like going to sleep etc, we were very sensitive and age appropiate. However a few nights later he was in bed and crying so bad, he was inconsolable when we finally got it out of him what was wrong he just wailed "I dont want to die" I almost cried myself.

I talked to DS about my grandad, grandma and uncle who had all died and told him I still talk to them and that although they are not "here" they are always with me because I remember them. We watched the Lion King and the part when Mufasa is in the stars, helped me to explain it a bit more. Now instead if saying someone is dieing, dead etc they are "becoming a star" or "they are a star" This helped him so much and he even says now that he knows he will be a star and he isnt affraid no more... Not sure if this helps at all xxx

chez
19-12-2011, 01:56 PM
so sorry for your mindees loss.

Id recomend Badgers Parting Gifts its a book that we got out from the libabry as part of a story sack and is certain a good book for talking about grief
"The tale of a dependable, reliable and helpful badger who realises that his old age will soon lead to death. His friends learn to come to terms with his death in an enchanting tale. With full colour illustrations throughout."

PixiePetal
19-12-2011, 02:56 PM
I had a mindee lose her Nanny just after my dad had died so we were both quite emotional - she was about 7 at the time. I had been minding her since she was 9 months.

Mum and I agreed to be truthful and say that Nanny was ill and couldn't be made better and died. This would mean she could not see her any more and she was no longer in pain (both she and my dad had cancer) and G could remember all the nice things they did together - I have to admit we both cried a lot as it was still raw for me too but she knew we had something in common and it is ok to cry too. They planted a 'Nanny tree' in their garden to remember her. It is amazing how well children can cope.

I can't read the books mentioned as I cry :blush:

Other than that we tried to keep up routine and chatted about how Nanny would love to see her laughing and having fun

Boris
20-12-2011, 07:17 PM
My nephew died aged 7 months from pneumonia when my DS was nearly 4. It was so hard explaining that one as they think only old people die. I just found that being as honest as possible, as hard as it might be, really is the best way. Good luck and hugs for you and the LO. xx