New to minding and just not enjoying it!

[Anon8319]

:(

I feel terrible about this. I have worked with children for a very long time and I am very qualified and experienced, so please don't think I went into this naively and thinking it would be a walk in the park. I didn't. I take this change in career very seriously and the inspector said on my pre-reg I already have paperwork in place she'd expect to see from an experienced minder. So I'm no slacker. Just thought I'd get that in before anyone thinks, like I do sometimes, that I am one of those who enter childminding with her eyes closed and thinking it's easy money.

Anyway, I have been working as a minder now for a few weeks (newly registered). I got children on my books before even being registered. I have a mindee a few months older than my own 17 month old child, and I have that one Mon-Fri (but do get some time off if mum is working funny hours - like today); I also have that child's older sibling before school and some afterschool. I have a lady who uses me for Saturdays for her child the same age as my toddler. I then have another lady who uses me for occasional afterschool/overnight.

When I took the Mon-Fri toddler and the sibling on, I got a really good feeling about the family, but I don't like looking after them and I feel so horrible saying it. The 5 year old uses sly opportunities to bully (I can only call it that I'm afraid!) my 17 month old - she gets pushed over, toys snatched, pushed out. The child kicks and throws her toys and all behaviour management strategies I have used successfully over the years, just don't seem to work. The child just says things like 'I don't like the toys anyway'. I could go on about the child's behaviour but I will just leave it that it's not nice - I get jibes from the child, my child gets pushed out and the 5 year old spites her on purpose, my belongings are not respected. The toddler smacks (because they have learnt from their sibling) my child and they whine almost all of the time. The person who uses me for occasional afterschools/overnights, doesn't contact me for days and then will contact me about 11am asking me to do that night, and because I am a walk-over and do have the space, I do it, which makes me feel like I am some kind of casual babysitter! The toddler I have on a Saturday is great - parents are brilliant, toddler gets on really well with my toddler; it's brilliant!

Back to the toddler/5 year old sibset. My child has been referred for an urgent appt with a specialist on Monday - she may have to have an MRI scan and/or EEG; because the appt is urgent, it came through within days of seeing the GP, and I told mum when I received it (yesterday). I usually do the school run on a Monday evening only, then keep the children later on that day, but because the appt is in the afternoon I said I'd be unable to work that afternoon (and she'd previously told me that if I have to close for any reason, she has help on hand here anyway, and her mum does do a lot of the childcare). I am running a business so I make a decision about whether to close. I said to her that I would of course refund the hours, and she said 'no it's OK you can just do a different night.' I went into walk-over mode again; then this morning I received a message from her saying 'it's fine for you to go to the appt on Monday, my mum will collect and she's deciding which day is best for her for you to do in return!' Erm, in return? I'm running a business - they're not doing me a favour! As it happens, I don't mind, but the language some of the parents use and the way they speak to you, makes you feel so unvalued!

Last week I met the dad for the first time - he collects one evening a week and then stays with the chn overnight and brings them back the next morning. My start time should be 7am. Well he emailed me a few days before asking if he could bring at 630 that week. I reluctantly agreed as my setting is open 6-8 really. He then collected them on Thursday and walked in my house, waltzed past me and started walking round looking nosily everywhere!!! I wouldn't mind but he was 10 mins late collecting in the first place! As he left, he muttered under his breath 'see you at 615 tomorrow then.' I was too gobsmacked to say anything and I think he really hoped I hadn't heard properly and he could then just turn up and say 'well I did tell you last night!' The next morning he turned up at 605am! He handed the toddler to me, cuddled and said bye to the 5 year old (not the toddler!!) and then left, saying not a single word to me!!

So overall, I guess I am saying I have been minding for about 2-3 weeks and I feel it is MY business and I should be deciding how it's run, but parents are treating me either like a casual babysitter or a very underpaid nanny (I was paid 20k when I was nannying years ago!) that they are employing! I don't think they understand that I am as much a business as a nursery is! I know I need to get tough and if my child is sick I ignore the comments like 'this is where nurseries are better' (well go find a nursery to take your child from 6am then!!), and remember it is my business and if they want a nanny then they can go and pay for one! What I don't think I can overcome though, is the feeling I get at the sheer cheek of a child who thinks s/he can sit in front of me purposely damaging mine/my child's belongings because s/he thinks it might get a reaction, or hitting/pushing my child because s/he thinks it will make my child feel sad! In reality all my toddler cares about is that this horror is playing with her favourite toy, not that s/he won't play! None of my behaviour strategies work with this child (and I have lots up my sleeve!) because I think perhaps there's lack of consistency in the homelife.

I hope I am not the only person who finds it hard to accept a child treating their home disrespectfully. I love children - that's why I've made my entire career revolve around them - but I feel no different seeing a 5, nearly 6, year old destroy my belongings, than I would if a 30 year old adult came here and purposely broke my things! Wear and tear is one thing; purposeful destruction is another.

I feel like I want to give up at the moment! I am so tired and emotional about it all as well.:( I feel like I have made a massive mistake.

[WibbleWobble]

dont want to read and run (lo due to wake in next 5 mins) but

big hugs to you

it is a lonely job and folk can be real :censored: at time


mandy xxxxxxx

[AgentTink]

You do not need to be apologetic for how you are feeling i think we all have times like this, it is just a shame for you that it has happened within the first few weeks.

I currently have parents who i am thinking of handing notice to, mainly because they do not keep me in the loop with their child, who before he started they advised that the nursery had concerns as the little boy was starting to bite children, but they said he never bit at home. I take him on and within 2 weeks he has biten my daughter 4 times and there are lots of other times that i have stopped him before he could actually bite her. Anyway yesterday we were in play group and he tried to bite different children over toys, it is only because i cannot let him out of my sight i was able to stop it before it happened. I told his dad last night who advised me that for the last 2 months he has been biting them at home when they stop him doing something!!!!

He has also has a never ending chesty cough and been full of cold since he has been with me for 7 weeks. On their intial visit they had told me that the nursery had also told them of this cough and cold and that they were going to go the doctors about it as they thought it was hayfever. They never did take him. I have had in the last 7 weeks the reasons from his cold being hayfever, paint in the house, everybody has got one and finally his room must be too cold at night and that is why he always has a cold :panic:

Anyway 2 weeks ago his cold was full on and i couldnt leave him for one minute without wiping his nose. I then find out that the older brother has been off school for 2 days full of cold, however they continued to drop their younger son with me to deal with his cold.

His cold is still no better this week and his cough even worse so i asked dad to take him the doctors as i didnt want it to get worse. On drop off the next morning he advised they would not be taking him the doctors as they feel he is fine!!!

This morning however mum drops him off and says that he has had a awful night and not slept so he is taking him the doctors on Friday :( no concern that in the meantime he is in my home unwell.

And i am actually start to resent the fact that they drop him to me at 8am on the dot and dont collect till exactly 6pm, monday to friday. Even though both mum and dad are around, the dad picks the brother up from school at 330 every day which is 5 minutes away from my home, and then the mum is usually home from 445, but they wait til 6 to get their son from me. And then they tell me that he is in bed every night at 645!!! And even better his Dad is available from Friday at 12 o'clock every week, but he never comes to spend some time with his son. The dad is then in work all weekend.

Then when they do come to collect he turns into a destructive little boy and they stand there and say nothing. Sometimes they even bring their older son in and allow him to destroy all the toys and then just walk away.

I feel like i wanted to do this career to help families and support their children, but i feel with this family like i am someone who has their child because in their own words they find him hard work :mad: I feel that they dont treat me as a business and because i am paid that i have no right to tell them that their child is ill.

So after all i have wrote no you are not alone. We all have certain families who are harder work, but it is up to you if you want to continue working with them. You need to think about you and your family and your happiness.

Saying all of this i have 2 other families who are a absolute joy!

[JCrakers]

:( Poor you....I cant believe you are having such a poor start

First of all...(easier said than done) get yourself back together and put your business head on :D
This is your business and that is what you need to get across to parents from the onset. This is not some sort of a drop in centre where people can pick and choose. I know its hard but if you try and be stronger and tell people straight.
You are a proffesional, you have worked hard and you will succeed with this!!! :D

I have learnt over the 4yrs I have been childminding that once you let parents dictate its a nightmare.

I used to be a nanny in London and chose to be a childminder because I love kids and it fit in with still caring for my own two children. I love my job, the parents and kids are fantastic.
I would not allow any child to break my things or damage anything.Its just not acceptable at all. Set some rules and dont let this happen.
Maybe youve just got off to a bad start. All my parents are great and kids are fab too. If needs be, Maybe give notice and put it down to a bad experience ??

[smurfette]

Sounds like you would be happy doing the job if you had different parents/children as you say you enjoy the saturday lo! It is difficult to convince parents you are a business not an employee I have one like this And you are right it's not that you mind its the way you are told not asked .. Some parents dont expect you to have a life outside of their wants! I do have two sets who are great though and the one who doesnt phrase things well is good in other ways .. And I am only at it six months too I am hoping I will grow a back bone over time too!
Think when you are starting it's easy to accept the wrong parents even though it feels right at the time as we don't have experience to judge properly.

If the 5 year old has inconsistency at home that's not going to change in a hurry and will make your life harder although I do believe kids adapt well to different rules in different places it will take longer ..I also know other minders on here have given notice not because of the child
But the parent is too hard to work with .. That dad is just plain rude!!
Perhaps advertise and see what else is out there can you fill the spots?

[Mrs Pootle]

If this were me, I'd have to give notice as I just could not continue with the stress and anxiety it seems to be causing.
The 5 year old should know better, and I would guess that there is some underlying reason for their behaviour but if Mum & Dad are not communicating with you, then you will never get to the bottom of it.
I think you need to decide whether the family are worth trying to sort things out with, or whether to give notice (you don't need to give a reason, just say a change in circumstance)
If you want to keep the business you need to get tough. Arrange to sit down with Mum and Dad, and be clear about what is acceptable in terms of pick up/drop off/swapping days, as this is your business. Also discuss 5yr olds behaviour and attitude to your home & child.
:thumbsup: Good luck with it all, it sounds like you have unfortunately got off to a bad start, but not all familiys are the same. I have been lucky with mine, although I did have an after-schoolie that I gave notice to as I just couldn't take to him or mum.

[rickysmiths]

You do not need to be apologetic for how you are feeling i think we all have times like this, it is just a shame for you that it has happened within the first few weeks.

I currently have parents who i am thinking of handing notice to, mainly because they do not keep me in the loop with their child, who before he started they advised that the nursery had concerns as the little boy was starting to bite children, but they said he never bit at home. I take him on and within 2 weeks he has biten my daughter 4 times and there are lots of other times that i have stopped him before he could actually bite her. Anyway yesterday we were in play group and he tried to bite different children over toys, it is only because i cannot let him out of my sight i was able to stop it before it happened. I told his dad last night who advised me that for the last 2 months he has been biting them at home when they stop him doing something!!!!

He has also has a never ending chesty cough and been full of cold since he has been with me for 7 weeks. On their intial visit they had told me that the nursery had also told them of this cough and cold and that they were going to go the doctors about it as they thought it was hayfever. They never did take him. I have had in the last 7 weeks the reasons from his cold being hayfever, paint in the house, everybody has got one and finally his room must be too cold at night and that is why he always has a cold :panic:

Anyway 2 weeks ago his cold was full on and i couldnt leave him for one minute without wiping his nose. I then find out that the older brother has been off school for 2 days full of cold, however they continued to drop their younger son with me to deal with his cold.

His cold is still no better this week and his cough even worse so i asked dad to take him the doctors as i didnt want it to get worse. On drop off the next morning he advised they would not be taking him the doctors as they feel he is fine!!!

This morning however mum drops him off and says that he has had a awful night and not slept so he is taking him the doctors on Friday :( no concern that in the meantime he is in my home unwell.

And i am actually start to resent the fact that they drop him to me at 8am on the dot and dont collect till exactly 6pm, monday to friday. Even though both mum and dad are around, the dad picks the brother up from school at 330 every day which is 5 minutes away from my home, and then the mum is usually home from 445, but they wait til 6 to get their son from me. And then they tell me that he is in bed every night at 645!!! And even better his Dad is available from Friday at 12 o'clock every week, but he never comes to spend some time with his son. The dad is then in work all weekend.

Then when they do come to collect he turns into a destructive little boy and they stand there and say nothing. Sometimes they even bring their older son in and allow him to destroy all the toys and then just walk away.

I feel like i wanted to do this career to help families and support their children, but i feel with this family like i am someone who has their child because in their own words they find him hard work :mad: I feel that they dont treat me as a business and because i am paid that i have no right to tell them that their child is ill.

So after all i have wrote no you are not alone. We all have certain families who are harder work, but it is up to you if you want to continue working with them. You need to think about you and your family and your happiness.

Saying all of this i have 2 other families who are a absolute joy!


Poor you it sounds as if you have got to toughen up!

Firstly in my experience some children do always seem to have one cold after the other but teamed with a bad cough I would be doing the same as you have and advising the parents to go to the doctor to check there are no underlying infections that may be affecting his recovery.

If a child is ill, hasn't slept and a sibling home and I would have said this to the mum and sent her home with him. If the sibling is ill enough to be off school, the toddler is ill enough not to be able to come to you.

The dropping off and collection depends on what you have in your Contract and wether you charge by the hour or by the day.

If you have a daily rate and state you are open from 8am to 6pm then you run the risk that the parents will use these hours with no notice. This is why I have alway charged by the hour for the Contracted hours only. If the parent then needs an earlier drop off or later pick off they have to ask and usually pay for it at a higher hourly rate than their normal rate. If the collect late and don't phone or ask then they are charged a Late Collection fee and for me this is £5 for every 15 mins or part of 15mins they are late. The fact that the parents are around earlier and pick up the older sibling from school but not the toddler is their choice really. Maybe the want and need time alone with the sibbling to help with homework or reading or just to have alone fun for a couple of hours.

The biting is hard but although thankfully in 17yrs I have only had one ans she only bit her younger sibling and it was a very short and managable phase.
I'm sure someone with more experience will advise on that.


When they come to collect, don't let them in and definately no child comes into my home and 'destroys' the toys at the end of the day. I have a wind down 1/2 hour and we all tidy up together. If a parent let a child do that in my house the parent would be clearing up!! I mean that as well. The thing is no child would be allowed to get that far and do that to me EVER!!!

[The Juggler]

poor you hon. i found it really tough at the start. it's hard being without adult company for the first time, plus i imagine you are worried about your own child and what is wrong with her plus you have very rude parents and are workng v. long hours. The 5 year old is probably just pushing boundaries in a new setting (maybe hasn't been in childcare before and has probably just started school??? a lot for a 5 year old to take in but not easy on you :( )

Firstly I would make a positive mental decision to take a deep breath and be firm and strong with mum and dad next time they talk to you like this. just being prepared for it can help.

Secondly, I would think about dropping the weekend work as you are already working 5 days during the week or seeing if you can drop a week day. I'd also think about doing shorter hours. Say 8am- 6pm latest. I would also consider a higher rate before 0800 and after 5.30 to put people off wanting you to work that late.

Take a deep breathe, chat to friends and family and make a decision about what will work for you. To make those changes you may lose children but if you sit the parents down and explain that it is not working for your family such early/late hours they may be able to find a family member to collect at 6pm and drop later on.

Good luck hon. also see if you can find some other nice, friendly local minders to mentor and support you - it makes such a difference :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

[rosebud]

Just a thought but do you think you'd be happier if you worked less hours or part time even. It sounds as though you don't get much time with your LO and to be honest I'd be stressed working from 6am - 8pm and Saturdays no matter how good my families were.

[uf353432]

The way I see it is you have nothing to loose and everything to gain from setting out your stall and being firm. If they leave - you gain - no more stress, upset etc. If they stay - better working relationship , boundaries and groundrules - therefore no more stress etc.

I have to agree with above - no unreasonable behaviour is acceptable in this house and a child would not even be able to be destructive or come in and start playing with the toys on collection unless I needed to speak to the parent ad need a distraction - but the same rules apply to all we have to treat toys with respect and pack away afterwards.

As for the changing hours, etc. Sick kids etc. You need to start practising the word 'No!' there are many pleasant ways to say no - perhaps write a list of useful phrases to keep by the phone so you can't be cught on hop again - you know things you wished you said but only thought about it after you said yes.

I would say that as you are in contract review stage you can do one of the following - walk away and give notice. OR sit down with mum (assuming divorced from husband) and give examples of wherethings haven't been working for you - get it all out in the open. She may terminate the contract - or she may work it all out with you and be the best parent you ever have in your childminding career.

Oh and I never take on a child - I always take on the parent - if the parent is ok then 9/10 the kid will be too.

Don't loose heart - it will turn out ok - but you definately need to get your business head on - and stick to your guns. That i'm afriad comes with experience and practise.

[blue bear]

You must be in settling in session so walk away, sounds like you have no hope of changing parents or children.

Don't open door until agreed contract time unless agreed previously, turning up 55 minutes early is not on, it's your home but it doesnt mean you are available on demand, no way would they be able to do this in a nursery.

Stop being so nice it's ok to say no, practice saying I will have to check and come back to you, so when parents make a request you give yourself time to think before you speak.

Don't let parents tell you what isgoing to happen, I'm all for working in partnership but you need to take charge and tell them how it is.

[katie78]

Its not just you, i too have worked with children for years in different settings and now been minding a month, 3 of the lo's on my books are brill the other one is a 5 year old boy and since he has been with me he has wet himself once a week regularly ! I have documented it and given mum copies of them but tonight when i told her it had happened again i asked what nhs direct had said when she rang them last week about the issue and she just looked at me and said 'it doesnt happen at home so im not going to do anything about it' !!! She looked at me like i was dirt on the bottom of her shoe like i had sworn at her not told her something very important about her only child :eek: :eek:

Pardon !!! You are not bothered that your child is nearly 6 and wetting himself regularly !!!!

Unfortunatly he is my biggest payer and has many other issues ( i did put a thread on here last week about him ) but to be honest i was gobsmacked ! Does she think her sons health issues are something to ignore, its not like its a one off !!

I hope you can sort out your parents, we need to be happy in our work its why we have chosen to work from home to have a much better life !

Good luck :D

[Helcatt]

that sounds so much like where I was a year ago. Boy D, 6 months older than my DD3 was a nightmare, kicking, punching, snatching, refusing to listen, no strategies worked!

I gave myself a time limit. I wanted to give notice but I felt that I needed to evidence the behaviour so that I could feel justified in giving notice - if that makes sense

I did a series of observations - which I linked in to my course - keeping an eye on particular triggers, were certain days better or worse, was he hungry, tired, had he eaten something specific bla bla bla!

I started noticing triggers that I hadn't seen before so I planned around that ie tuesday morning was always spent in the park as there appeared to be a lot of pent up energy after being with dad on monday

parents are separated and once I got to spend more time with dad and chat to him more, we worked out a few strategies aswell - mostly around language development for the boy - and we did work through it and a year later , they are still here

He'd already had one CM before coming to me and I think he started off finding it hard to settle and bond as he thought I was going to leave as well.

I don't know the answer, I worked through it and even though we still have odd moments, on the whole, it is much better, with both him and big brother

Only you can decide if you want to put up with this or give notice

HX

[littlecheeks]

sorry you are feeling so poo poo!!

reading your post i do get a sense of confidence issues maybe? it sounds as if you are have lost a bit of control? im sure most of us can be guilty of this and it can get you down if you let it get out of hand.

you could change the children, parents etc but i honestly think with this job you will always get issues like this, its just up to you how you handle it. try to remember you are a good childminder and parents are lucky to have you caring for there child. if you dont like something the parents say, do then put them straight. its your business and your in control.

good luck xx

[Anon8319]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I am really grateful to know that I am not alone in feeling this way.

I have recently received an email from the mum as she caught wind that I was upset about the dad's actions, and it was such a lovely email. I feel differently about things now and like others have said, I will be giving myself a time limit. The parents are separated, which is what complicates things, and by all accounts their relationship is poor.

That was such a long week but I also feel I have turned a corner with the 5 year old as well - he has been really kind and well-behaved the last couple of days. I think as some people have touched on, it is a mixture of working too many hours/starting too early (although I finish at 330 most days which is so nice!), and confidence issues (my confidence WAS knocked by my previous job).

I will let you know how I get on with it all, and I hope all the others who have issues, have them resolved soon - it's no fun as you can't leave the issues at work because you live at work!!!

[Bluebell]

I'm so glad you had a lovely e-mail from the mum and hope things improve for you. I've been really lucky and had wonderful children so far but it is still a huge impact on your home and your own children.
Your patience and good standards are already starting to rub off on the behaviour of the children so well done!