Child hit me

[phoenix2010]

Need advise desperately please
Ive been caring for 2 sisters before and after school
they are 4 and 7 and are big strong girls (if you know what mean)

Anyway , the 7 year old has become increasingly cheeky, answering back , and yesterday her behaviour was awful

She was in a bad mood when I picked them up from school , refusing to do anything I asked , answering back , arguing with her sister
This continued when we got home , she refused to say Thankyou when I gave her snack , choosing to grunt at me and stick her tongue out for no reason, so I took the snack away and told her she would get it when she could say Thankyou like the other children did, I gave her 4 chances but each time she just grunted at me

She then went on to scream at me , throwing toys around , demanding her snack , calling me names
I tried to diffuse situation by talking calmly to her and explaining that she needed to not be rude to me and then by ignoring her

Her behaviour escalated , ripping things off the wall , launching stair gate, throwing toys , screaming , hitting her sister

I had to remove her from the room to protect the other children and she then hit me 3 times , once when I bolted the front door to prevent her leaving , once when I stopped her from ripping my certificate off the wall , once when I tried to take the gate from her as she went to throw it a second time

I dont mind admitting , this girl is strong and I was intimidated , theres a limit to how much Im prepared to try to prevent her from doing something dangerous or destructive , and at one point when I stopped her from blocking her sister from going upstairs to the toilet , I moved her arm to one side to let the little one through and she replied "dont you dare put your hands on me , you are not allowed to do that"

However it seems she thinks it acceptable to hit me 3 times ?


Ok so mum was horrified , when I told her everything , I had started to write everything down as it happened , so that she had the full picture and also to protect myself ( The girl talks to her mum like this though Ive heard her )

Basically this girl does not like rules and thinks she can bully me into letting her talk to me exactly how she chooses

this morning she has made me cards and apologised and shes been fine but having slept on it I just know that I can never risk this happening again.

Iv decided to give notice , according to my contract I have to give 4 weeks

so , do I give 4 weeks under the condition that this doesnt happen again but terminate instantly if she threatens or hits me

Secondly , how do I word the notice letter , I dont want to put all the blame on the little girl , even though that is the reason , but would rather word it differently still getting the point across

I know mum is going to be upset , she struggled to find a childminder willing to pick up from that school so I dont want her angry at the child

hope it makes sense , to be honest im still a little in shock I think

Thankyou

[miffy]

What a horrible experience for you.

I agree under the circumstances I would terminate the contract too. Do you have a clause either in your contract (preferably) or in your policies that allows you to terminate with immediate effect if the child's behaviour is such that it is a danger to yourself, your family, your property or the other children in your care?

I would ring your insurers for advice on whether you have to give 4 weeks notice or can terminate immediately.

As for the termination letter I'm afraid I would be honest and say that you have a duty to safeguard all the children in your care and cannot take the risk of XX behaving like that again and as such you are terminating the contract. Mum will know why you are ending it so you may as well be honest.

Big hugs - this is not your fault so don't feel guilty!

Miffy xx

[nipper]

Oh my goodness that's awful but you are totally right, you should not have to put up with that sort of behaviour, especially if you are caring for other children as well. As regards the termination of contract, someone else can probably advise you better as I'm fairly new to childminding.

With my ex-primary teacher hat on, I know that in a school situation, parents would be contacted straight away and asked to come into school. If I was in the same situation as you (bearing in mind I have a son and daughter the same ages as the two sisters I would be mortified to have them witness behaviour of that kind). It's a test of anyone's resolve to deal with a child like that and try and keep a level head.

You did the right thing by ensuring the safety of the other children (moving them into another room). Others might suggest ignoring the unwanted behaviour but this really does require inner strength from you. Do you have any of your own children? Explaining to her that this is not how you behave in your house and explain the consequences if she chooses to continue this behaviour. She must be pretty intelligent to work this out, if she knows you can't lay a finger on her. One thing that works with my headstrong 5 year old daughter is "You sit there and have a good think about your behaviour and when you have had a good think, then you can come and apologise to me (and/or everyone else". Be firm, DO NOT back down, ignore her and she will soon get tired of acting up when she realises everyone is ignoring her. I have never used a naughty step with my own kids and don't intend to have one at all when I childmind, but in desperate circumstances and this comes close, you need an escape route for both of you.
Good luck
P.S. I can't stand badly behaved children, not saying that my two are angels, but I would like to think they know when they have overstepped the mark.

[JCrakers]

Poor you.... :(
If it happened to me I would talk to parents like you did and say if this happens again then the contract will be terminated immediately to protect the other children. I agree I wouldnt want the other children witnessing this behaviour and wouldnt want to be hit. Maybe this might make the child think about her behaviour and the consequence being she will not be able to attend anymore.
I had two 8yr old twins when I first started childminding that were in the same year as my son. They both misbehaved so much I gave immediate notice as they were fighting (really hurting each other, hitting,kicking, punching) and I couldnt stop them. The constant falling out, hitting each other and generally not behaving happened over the 3 weeks I had them and Id spoken to Dad about it. One day they were just out of control so I said to Dad that I couldnt have them anymore as I had a duty to protect the under 8's and he was fine as he knew they were badly behaved.

I would write it in a letter and say you are willing to continue to care for the child as long as this never happens again. If it does you will call her immediatley to pick up her daughter.

This is only my advice though dont know anything on the legal side of it

Becky

[Goatgirl]

Hi :),
So sorry to hear about what's happened :(.
If you feel you must give notice, and I don't blame you at all btw, then I would do as miffy says and be honest about the reason.
Shifting the blame wont help anyone - the little girl needs some firm guidance to deal with this behaviour now and Mum must face up to that or it might not happen. Imagine if it gets left, what on earth might she do in the future? And who to?

Just remember that you have done nothing to feel guilty about.
What you need to do now is be professional and give Mum clear reasons for ending the contract. I would terminate with immediate effect if possible. Not sure where that leaves you re payments etc. A call to your insurance company would probably be a very good idea before you put it in writing.

Good luck, really hope Mum takes the news well :)

Take care,
Wendy :)

[phoenix2010]

Thankyou all for your advice and support :)

Just to clarify I was always going to be honest abut the reason for ending the contract (no point trying to pretend its for any other reason anyway)

But I was just a bit stuck on the wording of it so as not to say "your child is horrible and her behaviour is disgusting , and its all her fault " lol

Ive drafted a letter this morning what do you think


Dear XXXXX

Im sorry , but I am going to have to give notice of caring for XXXXand XXXX

My reason is

XXXX behaviour on Tuesday September 27th was unacceptable to me and I no longer feel that am able to ensure both her safety , my safety and that of other children in the house. There are days when I have very young children here and my attention was entirely taken up by XXXX behaviour on that day , which would force me to neglect my care for other children. I was also concerned for the safety of XXXX and my own son on that day.


I will of course work 4 weeks notice as required by the contract we have ,which will take us up to Wednesday 26th October.
I will however terminate care immediately if I am hit again or threatened by XXXX

I understand that she is only a child of 7 but she is very strong both in body and mind and I have no powers or rights to discipline or restrain her , which puts me in a very difficult situation should this behaviour occur again.

I do appreciate XXXXX apology and cards , but having slept on it I dont feel that I can continue.

I hope you understand and if there is anything I can do to help you find alternative care then I will.

[kindredspirits]

i would remove the part about not having the right to restrain her as you are wrong there - if a child is presenting a danger to themselves or others you do have the legal right to restrain her - not that you should have to. i would not be happy restraining a child that i knew was both strong and violent - nor one that was able to use language such as 'you don't have the right to lay a hand on me' - the child only has to get angry and say that you hit them instead of restraining them and its your word against theres.

other than that i think it sounds fine - perhaps put in a line that should XX become violent again you will be calling Mum for immediate collection for the safety of everyone involved (rather than waiting a few hours until collection.)

Oh and unless you really want to stop care for the whole family I would give notice to the 7 year old and not the 4 year old, but obviously accept that mum might remove the 4 year old as well. :thumbsup:

[the happy house]

Ok, I know you feel bad about the situation... but the letter does sound apologetic. I would suggest you remove any suggestion of apology, just keep it short and professional. You have nothing to be sorry for.



As for this statement:-

I understand that she is only a child of 7 but she is very strong both in body and mind and I have no powers or rights to discipline or restrain her , which puts me in a very difficult situation should this behaviour occur again.

You DO have a right to restrain a child if they are putting themselves or others in danger. You did great in dealing with the situation and this girl was taking advantage.
Don't feel bad (easier said than done), if this girl gets away with this behaviour at home, things aren't going to change with you.

(((((hugs))))) you'll feel better when you've terminated.

[phoenix2010]

How about this ?

Dear XXXXX

I am giving you notice to end our contract of care for XXXXand XXXX

My reason is

XXXX behaviour on Tuesday September 27th was unacceptable to me and I no longer feel that am able to ensure both her safety , my safety and that of other children in the house.

There are days when I have very young children here and my attention was entirely taken up by XXXX behaviour on that day , which would force me to neglect my care for other children. I was also concerned for the safety of XXXX and my own son on that day.

Although I can restrain a child if I feel they are endangering themselves or others, I am not prepared to be in a position where I have to.

I do appreciate XXXXX apology and cards , but having slept on it I dont feel that I can continue.

I will work 4 weeks notice as required by the contract we have if you wish me to ,which will take us up to Wednesday 26th October.

However I will terminate care immediately if I am hit, threatened, or if XXXX behaviour becomes unacceptable in any way and I will telephone you to collect her immediately

I hope you understand and if there is anything I can do to help you find alternative care then I will.

[the happy house]

:thumbsup:

sounds great!

Best of luck x

[The Juggler]

Need advise desperately please
Ive been caring for 2 sisters before and after school
they are 4 and 7 and are big strong girls (if you know what mean)

Anyway , the 7 year old has become increasingly cheeky, answering back , and yesterday her behaviour was awful

She was in a bad mood when I picked them up from school , refusing to do anything I asked , answering back , arguing with her sister
This continued when we got home , she refused to say Thankyou when I gave her snack , choosing to grunt at me and stick her tongue out for no reason, so I took the snack away and told her she would get it when she could say Thankyou like the other children did, I gave her 4 chances but each time she just grunted at me

She then went on to scream at me , throwing toys around , demanding her snack , calling me names
I tried to diffuse situation by talking calmly to her and explaining that she needed to not be rude to me and then by ignoring her

Her behaviour escalated , ripping things off the wall , launching stair gate, throwing toys , screaming , hitting her sister

I had to remove her from the room to protect the other children and she then hit me 3 times , once when I bolted the front door to prevent her leaving , once when I stopped her from ripping my certificate off the wall , once when I tried to take the gate from her as she went to throw it a second time

I dont mind admitting , this girl is strong and I was intimidated , theres a limit to how much Im prepared to try to prevent her from doing something dangerous or destructive , and at one point when I stopped her from blocking her sister from going upstairs to the toilet , I moved her arm to one side to let the little one through and she replied "dont you dare put your hands on me , you are not allowed to do that"

However it seems she thinks it acceptable to hit me 3 times ?


Ok so mum was horrified , when I told her everything , I had started to write everything down as it happened , so that she had the full picture and also to protect myself ( The girl talks to her mum like this though Ive heard her )

Basically this girl does not like rules and thinks she can bully me into letting her talk to me exactly how she chooses

this morning she has made me cards and apologised and shes been fine but having slept on it I just know that I can never risk this happening again.

Iv decided to give notice , according to my contract I have to give 4 weeks

so , do I give 4 weeks under the condition that this doesnt happen again but terminate instantly if she threatens or hits me

Secondly , how do I word the notice letter , I dont want to put all the blame on the little girl , even though that is the reason , but would rather word it differently still getting the point across

I know mum is going to be upset , she struggled to find a childminder willing to pick up from that school so I dont want her angry at the child

hope it makes sense , to be honest im still a little in shock I think

Thankyou

sorry to hear this happened hon. personally I would tell mum you will give her another chance but that you will terminate without notice if this happens again.

[Goatgirl]

Hi :),
I had a little fiddle with your letter as follows, but do feel free to ignore :D.
Also wanted to say, you can just keep it much shorter and do the explaining in person if that's easier. You don't need an 'official reason' to give notice. The bit in brackets is optional: I think it says everything without the need for this.

"Dear XXXXX

I do appreciate XXXXX apology and cards, but having slept on it I dont feel that I can continue. I am therefore giving you notice to end our contract of care for XXXX. (and XXXX?).

As you know, XXXX behaviour on Tuesday September 27th was unacceptable and I feel that I will be unable to ensure the safety of xxxx, myself or that of other children in the house should anything like this happen again. I also feel the attention needed to deal with a similar situation would impact on the care I can offer the other children.

(I have a duty of care to all the children at all times and must take everyone's well being into consideration. Although I can restrain a child if I feel they are endangering themselves or others, I am not prepared to be in a position where I have to).

I am prepared to work 4 weeks notice as required by the contract we have, which will take us up to Wednesday 26th October.

However this is on the understanding that I will terminate care with immediate effect if I am hit, threatened, or if XXXX behaviour becomes unacceptable in any way. If this happens I will telephone you to collect her straight away.

I hope you understand and if there is anything I can do to help you find alternative care then I will."

Hope it goes ok.
best wishes, Wendy :)

[midgetjen]

hi i know i am not a chilminder yet but ooo the poor mother aswell .i would like to think i would give a warning notice and say if it happened again i would have to terminate instantly .i really feel for you and hope you get it sorted ..xx

[lolli_pop243]

Hi,

I'm not a childminder so can't comment as to what I would do in that situation. However, as a mother, I know that I would appreciate another chance-if the child is as clued in as to understand you cannot touch her, then she will understand that you will terminate her care if she does it again. And if she does, then by all means, terminate the agreement.

There may also be other reasons why the child has become progressively worse-is there something going on in her life that is causing this to happen, or has she always been like this?

At the end of the day though, it is your decision; I hope things work out for the best for all of you.

Regards,

Lorraine

[onceinabluemoon]

Poor you, what a dreadful way for a child to behave. Sadly it's something that we seem to see more. Well done for keeping your cool, I'm afraid I would have had mum out to collect within minutes!

I think Florabird's version is fab. It sounds very professional (not that yours didn't or anything, lol). Good luck and big hugs xx


Hi :),
I had a little fiddle with your letter as follows, but do feel free to ignore :D.
Also wanted to say, you can just keep it much shorter and do the explaining in person if that's easier. You don't need an 'official reason' to give notice. The bit in brackets is optional: I think it says everything without the need for this.

"Dear XXXXX

I do appreciate XXXXX apology and cards, but having slept on it I dont feel that I can continue. I am therefore giving you notice to end our contract of care for XXXX. (and XXXX?).

As you know, XXXX behaviour on Tuesday September 27th was unacceptable and I feel that I will be unable to ensure the safety of xxxx, myself or that of other children in the house should anything like this happen again. I also feel the attention needed to deal with a similar situation would impact on the care I can offer the other children.

(I have a duty of care to all the children at all times and must take everyone's well being into consideration. Although I can restrain a child if I feel they are endangering themselves or others, I am not prepared to be in a position where I have to).

I am prepared to work 4 weeks notice as required by the contract we have, which will take us up to Wednesday 26th October.

However this is on the understanding that I will terminate care with immediate effect if I am hit, threatened, or if XXXX behaviour becomes unacceptable in any way. If this happens I will telephone you to collect her straight away.

I hope you understand and if there is anything I can do to help you find alternative care then I will."

Hope it goes ok.
best wishes, Wendy :)

[miffy]

Hi :),
I had a little fiddle with your letter as follows, but do feel free to ignore :D.
Also wanted to say, you can just keep it much shorter and do the explaining in person if that's easier. You don't need an 'official reason' to give notice. The bit in brackets is optional: I think it says everything without the need for this.

"Dear XXXXX

I do appreciate XXXXX apology and cards, but having slept on it I dont feel that I can continue. I am therefore giving you notice to end our contract of care for XXXX. (and XXXX?).

As you know, XXXX behaviour on Tuesday September 27th was unacceptable and I feel that I will be unable to ensure the safety of xxxx, myself or that of other children in the house should anything like this happen again. I also feel the attention needed to deal with a similar situation would impact on the care I can offer the other children.

(I have a duty of care to all the children at all times and must take everyone's well being into consideration. Although I can restrain a child if I feel they are endangering themselves or others, I am not prepared to be in a position where I have to).

I am prepared to work 4 weeks notice as required by the contract we have, which will take us up to Wednesday 26th October.

However this is on the understanding that I will terminate care with immediate effect if I am hit, threatened, or if XXXX behaviour becomes unacceptable in any way. If this happens I will telephone you to collect her straight away.

I hope you understand and if there is anything I can do to help you find alternative care then I will."

Hope it goes ok.
best wishes, Wendy :)

I think that is a very good letter - gets the point across but remains friendly and very professional.

Good luck when you give it to mum

Miffy xx

[phoenix2010]

I am also a parent and my child has been with childminders in the past
if my child hit his childminder I would expect her to terminate my contract, I certainly dont want him having to witness another child screaming in my face and hitting me in our home

So to the people saying I should give her a second chance , I hope a child you are caring for never hits you , throws things at you and swears at you , thats not happening in my house , no way.

Anyway , I have given the mum notice , she took it really well and said she understood 100% , I think she was expecting it

I did feel bad because both girls have been delightful today , until mum turned up of course then they started hitting each other and hair pulling , really nice , and definitely showed me I have done the right thing

I actually feel bad enough without being told I should give her another chance , I guess some people think children hitting adults is acceptable :(

[sarah707]

Please don't feel anyone was getting at you. I can tell you are feeling a bit delicate and I am not surprised after what you have been through.

However we all deal with things differently and others are simply giving their opinions of how they might tackle it.

We none of us know what we would do until we are there though and I am sure you have made the right decision for you.

For the future make sure you have a clause in your behaviour policy which says that you can terminate immediately for that sort of behaviour then you are covered if it ever happens again.

Hugs x

[onceinabluemoon]

I am also a parent and my child has been with childminders in the past
if my child hit his childminder I would expect her to terminate my contract, I certainly dont want him having to witness another child screaming in my face and hitting me in our home

So to the people saying I should give her a second chance , I hope a child you are caring for never hits you , throws things at you and swears at you , thats not happening in my house , no way.

Anyway , I have given the mum notice , she took it really well and said she understood 100% , I think she was expecting it

I did feel bad because both girls have been delightful today , until mum turned up of course then they started hitting each other and hair pulling , really nice , and definitely showed me I have done the right thing

I actually feel bad enough without being told I should give her another chance , I guess some people think children hitting adults is acceptable :(

Well done , now you can relax. For what it's worth I would never give a minded child who hit me, or threw large objects around in temper, a second chance. They shouldn't have needed the first one. Its a dreadful world where children believe they are on equal footing with an adult and gradually become the ones in charge...

[chez]

what an awful situation.

I know you said earlier in your posts that you were documenting this. Id do the same and keep it as it is a concern. Children should not be showing such voilent anger and its worrying.

[Roseolivia]

You've definatly done the right thing. I had a similar situation with a mindee, he wasn't violent but his attitude and behaviour in my house was unacceptable for an 8yr old. I gave him lots of chances but finally gave notice as i was pregnant and didn't need the stress he was causing in my home. I kept his sister on until i went on maternity. I knew i'd made the right decision as my stress levels went way down and one mindee aged 4 commented on how nice it was without mindee here (she only saw him for 1hr in the morning!!)

[lolli_pop243]

Phoenix 2010,

I am sorry if in posting my thoughts, I have made you feel worse in what is obviously a greatly distressing situation. In no way was I condoning her conduct towards you, nor condoning any child hitting, swearing at, nor throwing things anyone else.

Am truly sorry for causing you more distress. :(

Regards

Lorraine

[smiler]

Hi,
I was hit by a 9 year old child on monday and found myself in the same type of dilemma - to give notice, terminate immediately, or give another chance. Obviously thats a decision that only you can make if it happens to you - you are the one who must weigh the situation up. Im 7 months pregnant so I terminated the contracted immediately as i absolutely cannot risk it happening again. But one thing i felt might be helpful to mention - I was advised strongly to complete an incident form and have the parents sign it that day. Luckily the parents in my situation were supportive of my decision and completely understood, but if anything ever came of it, (some parents may not be reasonable and nasty things can get said in difficult situations unfortunately) it would be sensible to have the incident properly documented. x

[The Juggler]

I am also a parent and my child has been with childminders in the past
if my child hit his childminder I would expect her to terminate my contract, I certainly dont want him having to witness another child screaming in my face and hitting me in our home

So to the people saying I should give her a second chance , I hope a child you are caring for never hits you , throws things at you and swears at you , thats not happening in my house , no way.

Anyway , I have given the mum notice , she took it really well and said she understood 100% , I think she was expecting it

I did feel bad because both girls have been delightful today , until mum turned up of course then they started hitting each other and hair pulling , really nice , and definitely showed me I have done the right thing

I actually feel bad enough without being told I should give her another chance , I guess some people think children hitting adults is acceptable :(

hon, I was never trying to make you feel bad about NOT giving her second chance. You have to do what feels right for you. I was just saying what I would do personally if mum was right behind me. We all know (and we are the only ones that know) when something has crossed a boundary for us.

I think for the record that you are doing the right thing :thumbsup:

[T0ffee]

Hi, I have just seen this thread and would like to add that this happened to me once when I had been child minding for about 2 months. I can honestly say I phoned mum at the time and asked her to come and fetch her son as I could no longer care for him. Therefore terminated the contract with immediate effect. I kept his younger brother as mum was very reasonable and completely understood why I could not continue.

My advise is to talk to mum and say you no longer feel comfortable and she needs to remove the child from your care as soon as possible. It is not worth the anxious four weeks of wondering if this will happen again and how you have to react.

I feel for you but please be tough and stand your ground so that everyone knows you will not tolerate this kind of behaviour!!

Good luck xx