Dilemma.....Please help!

[lau]

Sorry everyone, this might be a long one! :(

I have 3 part time mindees under 5 and 10 year old and 11 month old sons. I havent had any problems really with my first 2 mindees but am having major issues with the third who started about 3 weeks ago.

He is 15 months old and suffers from severe seperation anxiety. Its not particularly related to just his mum as we are still at the stage where as soon as I start to stand up, even if its just to pick something up then X starts crying.

He doesnt sleep in a cot as he still co-sleeps with mum, he will only sleep in a pram in front of the TV, when out walking in pram or being cuddled to sleep. I did say that all the other mindees sleep in the cot when they came for a visit and so I have tried him in the cot for 2 weeks but he just cries for as long as I leave him.

He didnt have much of a settling in as mum started her new job days after signing contracts so he only had one session. Then he is here for 10 hour days on some days (he only comes 3 days a week). I have tried all sorts to try and settle him and have also had some problems with the dad and his expectations of the service I can provide (this was made at a phonecall to me at 9pm on a friday night!)

Anyway, my baby boy who has always been very independent and confident and has never had problems with me holding other babies or socialising with children himself, has started to develop severe seperation anxiety himself and now cries and races to get to me before X if he hears him cry. He is clingy, seems to have lost his smiles and cries every time I put him down whether there are other children there or not. This has developed since taking X on.

I just dont know what to do, every day I have X is now very stressful as my son and X spend most of the day whinging/crying and fighting over me. My baby is now unhappy and I feel so bad.

I am considering getting in touch with the local vacancy co-ordinator to see whether any other minder in the area has the availability and maybe less mindees before I speak to the parents (they are aware of the issues we are having) as I just feel like it is not fair to be putting my own children in a position where they feel insecure but I also dont want to give up on X or send him somewhere else when he has just got to know me. There are also financial implications which I know shouldnt come into it.

I am getting quite down thinking about this and could just do with some advice before I take my next step.

Sorry its so long, but this was the sort version!!

:panic:

[sarah707]

I have cared for a number of children over the years with severe separation anxiety like you describe and it is very hard for everyone concerned.

However only you know your coping level and how much you will allow it to affect your child before you recognise that the child possibly is not settling with you and might be better elsewhere.

From my point of view - my children always came and still come first.

Hugs x

[Twinkles]

I think when you sit down and think it through you will see what Sarah says is true. Your own children have to come first.

I know you don't want to give up on X but how long will this stage go on for ? You just don't know. It may only be a few weeks but it may last months. Do you want to put your son through this for months ?

Have you thought of taking on a couple of after school children to make up the money ? That way they won't be competing for the same level of attention.

[jumpinjen]

I had a child like this that was rocked to sleep by mum in a quiet dark room which I couldn't do because of the other mindees I had..... I made up my mind to be strict about the sleeping (with mum and dad's agreement) as without sleep LO wasn't coping and I found that I struggled with the severe separation reactions when Lo was tired (same as you.... shift weight from one knee to the other and Lo cries!!). I chose a place for the cot and made sure that conditions were consistent every day..... mum brought me things that smelled of bedtime at home..... blanket/muslin that they slept with etc, soft toys, favourite book. We followed the same routine every time it was time for sleep..... nappy change, drink of warm milk, read book then in and I went in after two mins to settle without picking up then three mins then four mins etc until LO could settle to sleep. It was hard but worth it as LO coped better when not so tired..... and so did me and other mindees!! Lo was still clingy but better than before...... maybe this could help as new routines always take time for a small child to settle into, and trying something new every day or two won't suddenly work, but I do agree with the others that if it is affecting your own family to this degree then maybe finding another Cm woould be the best solution. Good luck and hugs, Jen x

[QualityCare]

l think you need to think very seriously as to whether you can keep this child or not, in my opinion he is too close in age to your child and his behaviour will always effect your son and unfortunately one child will always miss out as your time is given to the other. (sorry l hope you don't think l'm being to harsh on you) While my children were young l never took on children that were around their age, with yours being 11mths l would be looking at minding 2yrs and above.
Do what's best for your family and you.

[suzy:-)]

hi
i took on a 10 month old baby in january , 2 days from 8 am - 4 pm and he cried non stop and i do mean non stop :(

mum was aware and even thought about giving up her job

my own 2yr old daughter did so well bless her to put up with the noise and it never bothered her

but i had your concerns too , i felt my daughter was missing out but anyway we decided we couldn't give in and he would just simply have to get used to it ,harsh i know it took 10 whole weeks but now he is perfect ,no trouble whatso ever

hope this helps x x

[lau]

Thank you so much for all of your replies, all opinions and thoughts are appreciated and respected.

I have had X today and have him tomorrow as well and today both he and my son were brilliant, but I am putting this down to the fact my OH was home with it being the weekend and so he spent a lot of time with our son while I was with X but they have been chasing each other round and interacting really well. I have said I will see whether he is being to normal on Thursday which is my next day having him and my son as normal and if he is back to normal then we will probably be giving notice.

X's mum has said in the past that her mum and mil are happy to help out with some hours but her every other weekend shifts are the main problem and so I may suggest that I can cover her weekend days if her mum can cover the other day or two a week. That way X still gets the interaction with other children mum wants but will feel more secure being with his grandma the other days, and my son will hopefully be happier.

Thanks again for all your comments xxx

[JCrakers]

I had a 10m old like this. SHe sceamed probably 8 hours out of the 10 I had her, 3 days a week.
I stuck it out for 8 weeks and couldnt do it anymore. Not only was it stressing me out as nothing i could do would comfort her, she wasnt sleeping, eating or having her bottle from me. It wasnt good for her either.

My own children were 11yrs and 8yrs and they came home from a hard day at school and had to sit and listen to the high pitched screaming from 4-6pm.
They hated it.....so I gave notice, not only for myself but for my own children too.
Becky x