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View Full Version : Returning to work after losing my dd......



Rain or Shine
06-06-2011, 10:35 AM
:( Hello all,

Not been on for a while. Last time i was here i was struggling with 2 older children who were bullying my dd. Well things have changed alot since then, i found out i was pregnant and the children left, i then had a 2 year old but became ill in pregnancy and had to stop minding. Then only a month later at my 20 week scan i found out my baby had died at 17 weeks. She should have been due on 30th Aug 2011.

I am now in the process of trying to get back into childminding, no families needing me yet though, i have changed my hours to part time to try and ease myself back in. I am a little worried about the stress side of working again, i am not handling stress well at the min, i am seeing a councillor about this though.

Has anyone else ever had to stop working for a reason like this? Did you find is easy to return to work?

Sorry for the depressing nature of my post xxxx

alwaysright
06-06-2011, 10:41 AM
hi, i havent experienced a loss like you so i can only imagine what you are going through, so sorry for your loss x

Mookins
06-06-2011, 10:43 AM
i want to send you a big big hug hun, i too lost a baby when i was 18 awful experience wouldnt wish it on anyone. It was long before i started minding so cant comment on that part about returning to work.

you are a very brave and strong person

xxxxxxxx

jelly15
06-06-2011, 10:45 AM
So sorry.:group hug:

ChocolateChip
06-06-2011, 10:57 AM
So sorry to hear your sad news hun, sending hugs, sorry I can't help with more than that :group hug:

AliceK
06-06-2011, 11:15 AM
I'm sorry I can't help with your question but wanted to send some hugs. So sorry for your loss :group hug:

xxxxx

Zoomie
06-06-2011, 11:31 AM
I am so sorry to hear about your loss.

Never been in this position so it is a hard case to deal.

Perhaps just advertise and see parents as they come along. If you feel it is too much, just say that the hours don't suit.

:group hug: :group hug: :group hug:

mrs_scottydog
06-06-2011, 11:46 AM
So sorry to hear about your loss, I can't imagine the pain you must have been through. I've not really got any advice apart from if you only want to work part time don't feel pressured into taking on more hours than you want to do. Sending lots of hugs. Hx

curlycathy
06-06-2011, 11:51 AM
I lost my baby boy at 33 weeks. I was working as a social worker at the time and when I returned to work it was to a different department - and the week I started I found out I was pregnant with dd (now 4). I took a long time off - Isaac died just before Christmas and I didnt go back until the following September and then was part time for a couple of months, gradually increasing my hours. It was incredibly difficult - and once I left to go on maternity leave I knew I would never go back and eventually went into childminding.

Something for you to think about hon is how you will cope if/when you are asked to look after a child who is the same age/school year as your dd (iyswim). I originally said to dh I wouldnt be able to - but my very first mindee was same school year as Isaac. Ultimately I found it quite healing because although I got very emotional at times at least I know the children in that class which makes me feel like I know my boys playmates if that makes sense.

I'm sorry to waffle on. It isnt easy whenever you go back - I'm so so sorry for your loss. My experience was that the gradual return helped so maybe if you could just try and take on one mindee part-time and build up from there.

Sending hugs xxx

ORKSIE
06-06-2011, 12:51 PM
I have no advice, just want to send you lots of hugs.

:group hug:

xx

georgie456
06-06-2011, 12:58 PM
Jo
I am SO sorry to hear about your little girl.
I have never gone through anything like this myself so would not know where to start in imagining how you are feeling, but my gut instinct is you need to look after yourself and it is still such early days hun.
Do you HAVE to return to work now, or is it a case of you wanting to start getting busy again? What you really want I guess is a part timer to help you get back into the routine of working and then see how you get on with that.
I am sending big hugs to you sweetheart x

Alibali
06-06-2011, 01:14 PM
I have no advice for you, just some huge hugs xx

The Juggler
06-06-2011, 01:18 PM
oh hon, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to suggest. FOr some it might be easier to care for babies to help ease the pain for others it would work better to look after only bigger children so that reminder isn't there.

Only you know what will work for you and the counselling might help you to work out what that is.

As for the stress of the job, I would say go for the parents you know will support you if there are issues with the children (those that are approachable and open when you meet them).

Good luck hon. take the time off that you need though to get well again.x

keeks
06-06-2011, 01:21 PM
Hi Jo,

I am so sorry to read your post. I sent you hugs in another thread started by Newbie1 a minute ago, before I had read this one.

I hope you are able to work through this with help from your counsellor.

I hope you have got lots of support from people around you.

xxx

Rain or Shine
06-06-2011, 01:26 PM
Thank you for your support, kind words and advice guys.

I gave birth to her on 15th April, she was so tiny, only 21cm. I still don't know what happened, hopefully my results will be ready soon. The hospital deleted all her pictures before they were printed and we didn't find out until it was to late. Luckily i found some systems online to restore camera memories and they managed to recover 3 pictures of Charlotte, although i know we have lost around 10 others, i have some comfort in at least having 3 pictures.

My oh is constantly moaning and arguing with me cause we are falling into masses of debt, he keeps saying i sit on my lazy a**e all day whilst he works. I don't think he undestands everything i'm feeling, nor do i think he can handle the emotions of it.

I do wanna return to work and i do need the money but there are just no families that want the part time hours i am willing to work. I wanna do course work on a Monday, i'm trying to find childcare for Lucy that day that i am happy with, Tuesday will be our day and then i will work Wednesday to Friday, not sure on times yet. I did have 2 families look whos days would have fitted but they wanted my service for £2 per hour, its not worth the effort for no profit.

Lets hope i can get sorted soon, am going to make leaflets and go delievering i think. x

auntym
06-06-2011, 01:39 PM
I.just wanted to send you hugs and lots of love and best wishes and hope you get something that suits you soon. Only return to work when you feel ready and not before x

georgie456
06-06-2011, 01:57 PM
Thank you for your support, kind words and advice guys.

I gave birth to her on 15th April, she was so tiny, only 21cm. I still don't know what happened, hopefully my results will be ready soon. The hospital deleted all her pictures before they were printed and we didn't find out until it was to late. Luckily i found some systems online to restore camera memories and they managed to recover 3 pictures of Charlotte, although i know we have lost around 10 others, i have some comfort in at least having 3 pictures.

My oh is constantly moaning and arguing with me cause we are falling into masses of debt, he keeps saying i sit on my lazy a**e all day whilst he works. I don't think he undestands everything i'm feeling, nor do i think he can handle the emotions of it.

I do wanna return to work and i do need the money but there are just no families that want the part time hours i am willing to work. I wanna do course work on a Monday, i'm trying to find childcare for Lucy that day that i am happy with, Tuesday will be our day and then i will work Wednesday to Friday, not sure on times yet. I did have 2 families look whos days would have fitted but they wanted my service for £2 per hour, its not worth the effort for no profit.

Lets hope i can get sorted soon, am going to make leaflets and go delievering i think. x

Oh hun - Charlotte is a beautiful name :)
I am very sorry about the photos but treasure the ones you have - they must mean so much to you.
As far as your DH goes, maybe this is his way of dealing with everything - some people vent their grief in very different ways. Does he come to counselling with you, or go to any himself - it sounds like he is struggling and may need this? I know men generally try do do the whole stiff upper lip thing, but I truely believe he knows exactly how you feel and is feeling horrible for saying what he does (HUG)

So, work:
advertise, advertise, advertise. Have you tried childcare.co.uk? netmums? Freeindex.co.uk? Have some little posters done and put them up on the For sale/wanted boards in Asda/sainsburys/tesco. I found 2 mindees through yellow pages, although I think they have just got rid of their free listing thing.
Do you attend any childminding groups? I go to one on a Tuesday and the majority of my work has come through there. It may be that some local childminders are going to be going on holiday soon and their mindees need to be covered. This would be a good way of easing you back in gently.... If I think of anything else, I'll be back :)

vix84
06-06-2011, 03:17 PM
Hi, Im sorry for your loss, I can't offer much advice as always, different people handle things differently.
I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks, over the Christmas holidays but no one knew I was even pregnant so I had to brake the news to those close to me, one of the parents of my mindee's is a good friend of mine so I let her know just in case I wasnt ready to return a week later etc. but I didnt tell the other mindee's parents as I really needed some sense of normality really and Childminding really helped me get this back.
There were a few moments where Id feel a bit teary but I would normally give my DS1 a huge cuddle or the mindee's and then occupy myself with an activity etc.

Very hard situation to be in, Im always one for just trying not to think about hard things to deal with, which I know probably isnt the best thing for dealing with grief. I have had a few moments where it has suddenly hit me a year later when seeing something about miscarriages etc.
I now have DS2 who I fell pregnant with 2 months later, and am just going back to work.
Work has been slow so Ive advertised on noticeboards, updated with the FIS and childcare website, and just tried to be flexible with people who want part-time and hope they all slot together.


I hope you find something that works for you all, and that time brings some more healing for you, it is still very early days for you

xx

jane5
06-06-2011, 05:43 PM
just sending you hugs hun :group hug:

sandy64
06-06-2011, 05:58 PM
im so sorry to hear your loss, i think time you need time to heal, grieve,cry talk do whatever you feel, its hard you need your hubby with you but i no they dont always understand the same as we do as it was you carrying baby. if you feel ready to start chldminding then yes do it take care:)

jumpinjen
06-06-2011, 06:09 PM
Sending you big hugs.... I lost a baby last Summer... started to miscarry the first week of July and finally went into hospital for surgery on Aug 13th (Friday!). Through the summer hols I had six kids every day and found it really hard but being busy helped to push through. I now work three days and I found families that were happy with that. One does nursery two days, me three days, the other worked the same days as me so keep going! I have turned down lots of work that sounded lovely but was full time or four days or evenings and I just didn't want to do it. You are right to protect yourself.... it is a good sign to be able to recognise your limits and keep yourself within them to keep yourself healthy. Men don't experience things like this in the same way as women.... they compartmentalise whereas women experience it in a whole-life way, meaning that it affects our performance and feelings in all aspects of our life. He genuinely probably doesn;t understand how you feel.... losing a baby is always so hard for couples to deal with. there was good advice to advertise given above, going to play groups etc with your daughter and telling people that you CM is great too.... tell everyone you chat to that you have a vacancy as word of mouth helps too! Big hugs, thinking of you, Jenni

tinynippers
06-06-2011, 07:03 PM
Thank you for your support, kind words and advice guys.

I gave birth to her on 15th April, she was so tiny, only 21cm. I still don't know what happened, hopefully my results will be ready soon. The hospital deleted all her pictures before they were printed and we didn't find out until it was to late. Luckily i found some systems online to restore camera memories and they managed to recover 3 pictures of Charlotte, although i know we have lost around 10 others, i have some comfort in at least having 3 pictures.

My oh is constantly moaning and arguing with me cause we are falling into masses of debt, he keeps saying i sit on my lazy a**e all day whilst he works. I don't think he undestands everything i'm feeling, nor do i think he can handle the emotions of it.

I do wanna return to work and i do need the money but there are just no families that want the part time hours i am willing to work. I wanna do course work on a Monday, i'm trying to find childcare for Lucy that day that i am happy with, Tuesday will be our day and then i will work Wednesday to Friday, not sure on times yet. I did have 2 families look whos days would have fitted but they wanted my service for £2 per hour, its not worth the effort for no profit.

Lets hope i can get sorted soon, am going to make leaflets and go delievering i think. x


sending you lots of hugs, all i can say is it takes time, i understand the heart ache your going through ive had a total of 16 miscarriages my first was at 20 weeks. only you can decide when your ready, ofstead where fab when i spoke to them i just explained i needed a few months out where i got a little part time job in a shop when i felt ready i started childminding again and actually settled straight back in easier than i expected, the busier i was the better i felt. you never forget you just learn to get on ;) with regards to your husband

sounds harsh but take a step back, it's his loss too and some people forget this, talk to him ask him how he is, most people focus on the woman yes its your body but his baby too. i'll admit it. it took me a while to realise this too. we argued alot but he was trying to keep eveything in, and one day it was just too much for him and he just sat down and cried a few things i remember him saying which made me realise yes he did understand
"no one asks me how im coping or feeling" "it was my son too" "i buried my son too" (we had a little service for him). "everyone just expects me to get on and deal with everything as if nothings happened"

our heart to heart was the best thing that happened

sorry for rabbling a bit. xxx

The Juggler
06-06-2011, 08:10 PM
Thank you for your support, kind words and advice guys.

I gave birth to her on 15th April, she was so tiny, only 21cm. I still don't know what happened, hopefully my results will be ready soon. The hospital deleted all her pictures before they were printed and we didn't find out until it was to late. Luckily i found some systems online to restore camera memories and they managed to recover 3 pictures of Charlotte, although i know we have lost around 10 others, i have some comfort in at least having 3 pictures.

My oh is constantly moaning and arguing with me cause we are falling into masses of debt, he keeps saying i sit on my lazy a**e all day whilst he works. I don't think he undestands everything i'm feeling, nor do i think he can handle the emotions of it.

I do wanna return to work and i do need the money but there are just no families that want the part time hours i am willing to work. I wanna do course work on a Monday, i'm trying to find childcare for Lucy that day that i am happy with, Tuesday will be our day and then i will work Wednesday to Friday, not sure on times yet. I did have 2 families look whos days would have fitted but they wanted my service for £2 per hour, its not worth the effort for no profit.

Lets hope i can get sorted soon, am going to make leaflets and go delievering i think. x



Hon, I'm sure he is suffering too and maybe people have forgotten to ask him how he is doing but if he had talked to me like that I'd have slapped him very hard :panic: :(

It is time for a heart to heart now before things get any worse between you - you need to be supporting each other not feeling angry towards each other - maybe some counselling together too. sending hugs.x

miffy
06-06-2011, 08:42 PM
So very sorry for your loss - sending hugs.

Hubby is hurting too, hope you can talk and grieve together for your little girl.

Miffy xx

JumpingJacks
06-06-2011, 08:43 PM
Sending you hugs Hun, having lost 3 babies myself I understand how you feel.

Don't go back to work until you absolutely feel you can cope with the emotions that may come with the job. As someone had already said all sorts of things can trigger your emotions. Money maybe the issue for returning to work but your sanity is worth more.(hope that doesn't sound too negative )

With regards to your other half, different people grieve in different ways, rightly or wrongly this may be your other halfs way of dealing with his emotions.

One way my councillor taught me to cope with emotions was by writing a letter, to no one specific, letting all your emotions out, then letting your other half read it, or simply burning it. It really did help me to express my feelings and I hope you don't mind me sharing my experience with you.

Time is great healer and you will always have a special place for your daughter in your heart.

Take care xx

Rain or Shine
06-06-2011, 09:01 PM
I am so greatful for all the support and thank you so much for sharing your experiences and stories.

Its such a tough thing to decide, i wanna work but i think unless its easier i'll start to crack. My sanity is not important enough for him, we talk alot but alk he thinks about is money. We are in a big problem with money, he is paying for the house and struggling with his own bills and mine ain't covered properly at all, my over draft just keeps going up and now the bank are enjoying making it worse.

I think i'm just gonna have to go for it and hope all goes ok. My friend has said she would like to be a volunteer, think she wants to give me as much support as possible, bless her. Will get on that straight away, I'm sure ofsted will be ok with it, she works a few hours 2 evenings a week with disabled adults, she has a crb check and lots of training in that area so she will be an amazing asset also.

I am so thankful to have you guys here xxx

wendywu
06-06-2011, 09:48 PM
So many sad stories on this thread, you are all so brave to share them.

Jo dont think too harshly of DH. He is trying hard to provide for his family and losing control. He is struggling with the loss of Charlotte and the total lack of feeling from your bank. He feels that he is the only one in the real world at the moment.

Money problems put such a strain on any relationship, and yours has had far too tough a blow as it is.

Sit down together and discuss how much you both need to bring in each month to live and clear a bit of the back logg of the debts. You both need to acknowledge each others pain and concerns and go forward together.

You can both do it, i know you can :)

Helcatt
06-06-2011, 10:21 PM
Oh honey, I am so sorry for your loss. Such a hard thing to cope with. My first baby was stillborn and she was also named Charlotte

I hope that when you get the results back, it can tell you something, but don't be surprised if there is no answer, we hoped we would get an answer and the postmortem gave us nothing "one of those things" which is so hard to bear

I do think your hubby may be struggling to cope love, which is why he is focusing on other things. I took 6 months off but I didn't work as a CM then and I found that hard enough because I was confronted with babies everywhere - or so it felt.

We re-organised our debts and 8 years on are still paying things off at a much lower rate. It wasn't an IVA but something like that, to take the pressure off me so that I could work however much, or little, I could cope with

I have found it hard when I have taken on children of the same age. A boy I currently drop off at school was born a week before our Charlotte and I found that really hard to start with.

I personally struggle with new born babies still, and don't look after children under 6 months because of this

Only you can know how much work is right for you, but just keep talking to hubby and try to get him to talk too

I am rambling, sorry.

PM if you need/want a chat

Hugs to you all. I hope the counselling helps, I find the woman I saw rubbish, but then she didn't specialise in bereavement.....

Take care

HX

Rain or Shine
06-06-2011, 10:51 PM
This support is amazing and truely appreciated whilst i am struggling at home. Oh has alot of other issues going on right now and is on anti depressants. His mum died 6 years ago on 3rd and he has been bad for the last few days. Its really hard for us as he has his issues and i have mine. My Mum died in 2008 of Cancer and it was a long battle and i am still trying to cope with that and now Charlotte.

Lets hope things between me and him get better once his councilling starts because i dunno how much more verbal abuse i can take. We both still really want another child. Lets hope we get into a good situation to have one.

Lets hope i find the right kids for me soon x

jumpinjen
07-06-2011, 08:37 AM
More big hugs, for both of you.... can you talk to the bank and explain your situation and ask for some help and advice about moeny management/debt management before it gets much worse? Sometimes feeling some control over things can help in other areas of your life too..... can you look at changing the way you shop to try and reduce weekly bills? Is there anything else you can cut out temporarily? We have had financial struggles before and had to really tighten our belts to get through.... not saying you spend spend spend but maybe there is something that could help?

hugs, jen x

moogster1a
07-06-2011, 08:54 AM
I went back to work 2 weeks after having my little girl. she then died of cot death at 10 weeks.
i took another 2 weeks off then took the mindees back. At the time I wanted to have company for my little boy and thought it might distract me for a while.
in reality i think I was lucky that I managed to basically care for the children without neglecting them completely. I remember very little about the first few months and honestly think i was mentally unstable.
I came through the other side as a very much changed and sadder person, but stronger and able to deal with things easier ( or maybe I've just had to emtionally deaden myself to a lot of things ).
In hindsight I'm still not sure if I was beter off doing what I did or should have taken more time off. With time to myself I would have juts sat and gone over and over events until I spent all day screaming ( which happened a few times at night ).
Ony you know what's best to do, but don't be upset at seeing other babies who would be the same age. Your little girl would have also been a toddler one day, and a girl and a grown up and old lady. You can't and mustn't compare her. She was just her own little person, no one else.

mrmitchell78
07-06-2011, 09:01 AM
Just wanted to echo the thoughts of everyone here and say I am so sorry for your loss

BuggsieMoo
07-06-2011, 11:55 AM
I'm sorry for your loss. Having lost 2 babies myself (one just before my husband went to Iraq and our youngest was 4 months old and in the process of registering as a childminder, and gaining 3 step-sons) I know how you feel. It won't be easy whenever your return as the job involves children, particularly young ones. (Hope that doesn't sound harsh). You and only you alone can make the decision about going back to work, hours that you feel you can do and ages you feel you can take on.

As for money - you need to come first. I agree with the OP who suggested speaking to the bank - they maybe able to help. Family and friends can also help, even if it is just a little.

As for your OH - again I agree with what the OP has said. Everyone grieves in their own different ways and you both need to find away for it to pull you together and help each other to deal with this.

You will never get over it (personal experience), but you will learn to live with it. (again sorry if that sounds harsh).

I am sending you and your OH a big hug and lots of love and whatever choice you make, you make sure it is right for you!

xxxx

georgie456
07-06-2011, 01:30 PM
Hi, just catching up with some of the posts - I think the first thing you need to do is speak to the bank as a matter of urgency. They have a duty to help you pay off your debt in a manageable and realistic way. In this current climate lots of people are sturggling and there will be ways you can get help.

If you get no joy with the bank, then contact Citizens Advice - they have a scheme to help people get themselves out of debt. If you get this sorted, or at least start the ball rolling, that is a huge weight of both of your shoulders.

I'm glad to hear your DH is going to start counselling soon - I'm sorry he's giving you such a hard time, but sadly we always seem to hurt the people we love the most. He sounds like things are getting on top of him and hopefully the counselling will help him get out of this fog.

Sending lots of hugs, and let us know how things go xx

moljak
07-06-2011, 01:46 PM
Thankyou for this thread.It's very sad to hear of your hurt and I understand how you are feeling.
I found out at 14 weeks that my baby had died at 12 weeks, the scan showed no heartbeat.I showed no symptoms of miscarrying and wasn't aware anything was wrong.I was then given medication to bring on the miscarriage and ended up miscarrying at home, loosing too much blood and travelling to hospital by blue lights.I was then left in a room overnight to get on with it. Since then it keeps being refered to as a miscarriage but I didn't miscarry! My baby died! I was due August 24th.I had a week off and returned to work immediately.I only work 3 full days and 2 before and after school so felt I could cope with this.Work to be honest has kept me going and I've thrown myself into it.We're developing the garden and have bought 2 baby rabbits, 2 guinea igs and adopted a very large bunny too.I'm enjoying the cuddles and being busy.
I'm finding it difficult to watch other mums blooming.The ones I sat next to in antenatal appointments ect.August may be a difficult time and I've taken the week off so i can spend it with my children and family and cry if I want to.I didn't want to have to be brave.
Only you will know when you are ready, make sure you ease yourself back in and don't take on too much.Hugs to you and your family.

Rain or Shine
07-06-2011, 02:13 PM
Thank you for sharing your experience. August is gonna be a tough month and i have already decided to go away to the coast for a few days over Charlottes due date. I shall visit her before and after but just wanna be with my oh, dd and dss (lets hope he behaves lol).

I want to work part time but i also feel like an idiot to turn down any work when i need the money. My plan is to work part time, have 1 day for me (need to complete level 3 before i run out of time), one day for Lucy and me and 3 days for work. The weekend being for the whole family.
I think i could manage this, i just need to find the right children and families.

A childminder friend has said she may need some help over the summer holidays, a few days hear or there would be a nice way to start things off if i don't find any children before then.

LOOPYLISA
08-06-2011, 09:18 PM
All your storys brought a tear to my eye x

Sending my love and thoughts to you all x

twiggy
10-06-2011, 08:48 AM
I'm really sorry to hear of your loss. My baby son was stillborn at 38 weeks in 2002 so I do have some idea what you are going through. You may find that returning to minding helps in that you will be kept busy. For the first few weeks after my loss it seemed like everyone was either pregnant or had new born babys which I did struggle with.

Nine years on I have learn't to live with my loss although I will never forget my little angel. If you need to chat let me know and I will send you a personal message with my details.

Twiggy xx

Rain or Shine
10-06-2011, 06:25 PM
Thank you xxxx

Mummits
11-06-2011, 08:10 AM
Everyone has given loads of good advice, but I thought I would just add my sympathy.

I lost a baby a few years ago now and was determined to roll up my sleeves and carry on to take my mind off it and be strong for the rest of the family. But the sadness does come back every now and then and can bring me quite low. My husband never mentions it and all he really said at the time was well at least you are fine. With hindsight, I think it would have been better to take longer to talk about it and to grieve. I also think it would have been better to deal with the feelings before I became pregnant again as I was a bag of nerves throughout my next pregnancy - though littlun is a joy and worth every anxious moment.

Rain or Shine
11-06-2011, 08:23 AM
We have been taking, he says he doesn't know how to deal with it. He just pushes away the feelings and carries on. I can accept that, everyone is different. I just can't accept the temper and raging outbursts.

I burst into tears last night when the one born every minute USA advert came on. Did you wait a long time between babies?

I think i wanna start working again, i just need to find the children. I'll probably avoid babies for the first few months, if possible.

The Juggler
11-06-2011, 10:28 AM
We have been taking, he says he doesn't know how to deal with it. He just pushes away the feelings and carries on. I can accept that, everyone is different. I just can't accept the temper and raging outbursts.

I burst into tears last night when the one born every minute USA advert came on. Did you wait a long time between babies?

I think i wanna start working again, i just need to find the children. I'll probably avoid babies for the first few months, if possible.

if he's admitting not knowing how to deal with it hon, look into some counselling - that is what they are there for. Be strong tell him you understand his emotions are all over the place but he MUST not take it out on you. You don't need this at the minute.

Hugs

Helcatt
15-06-2011, 09:38 PM
Its good you've been able to talk, if only a little bit hun. I really hope counselling can help him, it sounds like you both have so much to deal with.

I felt that I needed to try again as soon as possible, there had always been a whole that I felt needed to be filled with children and that urge was ever more strong. I think that that was what helped me to get through. My lovely girls can never replace Charlotte but they have made my life more complete.

I really do think I was sinking down again just before I fell pg with DD2 and dread to think where I would have ended up mentally if I had not fallen pg when I did.

It was the most stressful pregnancy, and first 6 months as I was convinced she was "just going to die" but she is still going strong and wonderful with it

Only you can know what you can cope with. I needed to try again as soon as possible, others know they need a break.

Same goes for work, I really struggle with little little babies eight years on so don't work with tiny little ones. I don't think I could have gone back to work as soon as I did if I was working with children - I was a retail manager then and it was bad enough watching families come through the stores and seeing others enjoying what I couldn't have (or not enjoying as the case may be and that was worse to watch)

HX