Aggressive Toddler - help!

[Supercakes]

Hi - I'm looking for advice please. Here goes ...

I've been minding a child since January. He was 9 month when he started so is now 14mths. My daughter is 22 months. When he first started, he was only 1 day per week, just with my daughter. There is a history of hair pulling, thumping, biting which seemed to subside and I managed it v well as the arrangement was only 1 day per week, with my daughter,

Our arrangement recently changed to 4 days per week, which I thought would be a good opportunity to form a stronger bond with the child, plus the "habit" seemed to have eased off.

In the past couple of weeks, the thumping, biting, pushing, bundling has got returned and is much worse as he's stronger and walking now. Its got to the point where I can't take my eyes off him for a second when he's with my daughter and other mindee (who's 20mths) and have to hover ready to intervene constantly. I'm looking for the triggers etc and would love to be able to help and get to the bottom of this but its becoming increasingly difficult as both girls are very upset and wary of him. He really does thump as he's such a strong little boy and he bit me y'day and left a mark.

I'm in conversation with both parents who are terribly upset by this and really hope (or wish) I can help but its getting to the point where I don't think I can manage it any more.

Can anyone offer any advice / thoughts? Has anyone experienced similar?

[Louise0208]

i cant offer any advice sorry but i hope you get it sorted soon.

is anything happening at home? (parents arguing, aggressive siblings etc?)

[Vickster]

My goodness, that seems young to be doing that. Has he got older siblings? I think time out to a safe place fro him and the other mindees might be the way forward. I would be inclined to strap him in his push chair as soon as he does it for one minute and repeat the process each time. I would discuss it with his parents again.

[missymood]

I feel for you it must be terrible.
Can't offer any help but would like to know what others think!

[mumto3]

My goodness, that seems young to be doing that. Has he got older siblings? I think time out to a safe place fro him and the other mindees might be the way forward. I would be inclined to strap him in his push chair as soon as he does it for one minute and repeat the process each time. I would discuss it with his parents again.

I wouldnt have thought restraining him would be allowed would it

sounds horrid for u, maybe a small star chart and keep being consistent, where ever u decide time out is, keep placing him there and if he moves it may be a constant keep putting him back, will be draining at first but he will get it in the end

[shmuck9681]

my son is 22 months also has a terrible history of throwing and biting i think your mindee is a replica for my son who has now started to kick everything i just tell him no its wrong and he finally has got the biting and throwing thing but the kicking is just a new thing and wouldn't say it has anything to do with things at home as my son has had a normal upbringing with no arguments etc its just a part of being a little boy i think and my hv didn't seam too concerned by this i think it a case of just repetitive telling NO!!! and distracting from it.
sorry couldn't be more help, hope you get sorted soon

[Ripeberry]

Strapping in a buggy is not restraining. It's a safe place to allow him to cool down and learn that bad behaviour won't be tolerated.

If I had a toddler that was going around bitting, kicking, breaking things and bitting myself, he/she would find themselves being put in the buggy and missing out on all the fun/playing with toys.

If the child does have older siblings, then that is where it's all coming from.
A neighbour down the road has 5 kids and when the youngest was under 5yrs old the older kids used to give him very rough treatment and now he scraps with them and hits hard (only 9yrs old). :(

[Vickster]

Thanks ripeberry, I was beginning to doubt myself. I haven't used the technique on a mindee yet, but do put my daughter behind the stairgate if she is hitting her brother. It works, she knows she is in the wrong and normal play resumes afterwards. I wouldn't do this with a 14 month old as they could hurt themselves on the stairs so a safe place is the buggy.

[snufflepuff]

I think i'd probably strap him in the buggy each time he did it too- if parents are trying to solve the issue too they will probably be happy enough for you to do this. You have to think of the safety of the other children.

[Supercakes]

Thanks for the tips - I'm currently trying the "no" and moving him away, over and over. There's a lot of it going on! He's a lovely little boy and most the incidents seem to stem from either frustration or over enthusiasm. I would SO love to stick with it and turn this around but I'm just concerned about the other mindee as I have a duty of care to her too and she doesn't really seem to be enjoying her days here anymore :(.

I should mention that I'm a relatively new childminder (since Nov) and my 22 month old daughter is my only experience of children! So I realise that I have a lot to learn and just want to get it right by all of them so all your advice and experience really helps.

I think I need to have a really honest conversation with the parents - I just hate being the bearer of news like that and I understand how upset they are about it but they need to know, warts and all hey?

[Louise0208]

i personally wouldnt use his own buggy as this can cause even more problems when using his buggy for normal use.

how about a play pen as time out if you have space? ....put him in jail :D

[MaryMary]

I agree with the others - time out in a safe place :thumbsup:

As he is only 14 months old, I don't think he would be old enough to understand a star/reward chart yet. Also, what is a safe place for a toddler? A buggy or play pen/travel cot would probably be best (it is a good point about the buggy though), or maybe just sitting with you away from the fun.

Good luck :)

[Helen79]

I would only put him in a pushchair if mum is totally happy for you to do it. I would class it as restraining, you wouldn't strap an older child up so why a toddler?
I would remove him from play with a firm no and keep him with you at all times. It's a tough age to deal with this behaviour.

[mumto3]

I agree with the others - time out in a safe place :thumbsup:

As he is only 14 months old, I don't think he would be old enough to understand a star/reward chart yet. Also, what is a safe place for a toddler? A buggy or play pen/travel cot would probably be best (it is a good point about the buggy though), or maybe just sitting with you away from the fun.

Good luck :)

whoops didnt realise that the child was only 14 months when i wrote that

it is a very difficult age and there will be lots of frustration and temper, my just over 2 yr old boy is still like it at times but has started to express himself more now that his speech is coming along

i have 3 of my own children and am up to level 4 qualified with 13 years experience and i know that ofsted wouldnt like the fact of a child being put in their buggy strapped up ( i agree with the other poster about when they go out at normal times), i think if u was just placing them in the buggy without the straps its slightly different but not to actually keep them strapped in, thats when it gets on dodgy ground, i know as a parent i wouldnt happy for this to happen in a care of a cm, im not having a go, just worry that people could get themselves in trouble with this type of practice

another thought aswell to help with LO's frustration, how about always having a selection of messy activities out, ei, sand, water or playdough esp is great for this type of behaviour as it is very good for their sensory development and can express themselves through it, esp playdough or salt dough by prodding it and squeezing it

just try and be consistent, saying no and moving him away and sit with him if necessary, talk to the parents about it and really go over the top with praising the good behaviour and not emphasing the unwanted behaviour as much, good luck

[ziggy]

i'm having same problem with boy aged 2yrs 6months, it is becoming such hard work. For months and months now i have been saying 'we dont slap our friends', removing him, keeping him in same room as me all day, sitting him on step (as suggested by his mummy), giving mindees he's hurt big hugs and ignoring his behaviour, giving crazy amounts of over the top praise when he's being 'good' but after more than a year nothing helps for long!!!!!

I really want to give notice but everytime i mention his behaviour mummy cries! Mummy took him to see health visitor for advice today but not sure she will come up wiv anything new.

I do feel for you, my own children are grown up and live away from home, it must be so stressful when you still have little one yourself

Good luck and please let me know if u find a solution

[Mrs M]

If I were at a toddler group, I'd possibly use a buggy as a last resort. However, at home I really don't believe restraining is the answer. I look after a boisterous child who is two in July. He hits, pushes and kicks my doors. He's actually really lovely! But he has some behavioural issues. I'm working with the parents and we use a time out technique. At first he got up from the place I put him for a time out. However, now he stays there and waits for me to tell him he can get up. His speech isn't brilliant so he can't actually say sorry but I do ask him to and he gives a cuddle to the person he's hurt. I understand that it's hard but consistency with whatever method you choose is the key. I believe that removing a child from a fun situation is punishment. Good luck.

[sandy64]

i understand how hard it is for you i have a lo i mind whos nrly 2 she hits pushes etc as well as bad words i spoke to behaviour managment at our early yrs to get help she said just look child in the face say no and remove to the side of room for a min or 2. well 6mths on still doing it. and child seems to like time out:mad: at least parents are working with you. keep your good work up for a bit longer if it gets too much terminate contract we can only do our best take care:)

[mushpea]

it sounds just like the 14month old boy I look after,, he bundles, throws the wooden blocks, snatches etc,,, with him I say a sharp NO and take him away from what ever it is,, today he was refusing to sit down when i told him too then refused to stand up! I know he is young to be sitting and standing when told but he has done this for the last month no problem,, he has also been comming to me for the last month when i call him but today he just turned around and ran!
I would just be persisitant in what ever you do and eventualy he will grasp what is expected of him

[sfox2003]

Oh dear - he sounds like my own son (27 months) !!! :) My boy can be such good fun, but he can also be quite naughty. He kicks, pushes, nudges hard on purpose to trigger a reaction from the children who are more likely to cry, he snatches (although this is getting better). Its hard & can be VERY embarrasing when parents come to pick up their children. He is worse at drop off/pick up times.

Hes 2 though & a boy. The hv didnt seem concerned when I told her I was worried he was a bit of a handful. She told me to use time out (which I do) and to be firm with him. Its not easy though at all.

Good Luck

[SYLVIA]

Its nice to know I'm not alone in this one! I have a 23 month LO with me 4 days aweek. Started when she was 10 months and was aggressive then and it has gone to hair pulling, hitting and kicking now. I have started making her stay with me, away from the others if I need to clear table etc which she hates. I have also just started time out too as distraction and no just doesn't work. I love her to bits and when we are here together shes great but as soon as another child is here she changes

If you have any success please let me know

[Supercakes]

Thanks so much everyone, I really appreciate the advice. The "firm no, and ignore the behaviour" seems the most appropriate for his age. And lots of cuddles in between - he could just be feeling insecure at the moment and missing mum. I'm defo going to try the water / sand messy play idea as it is the first thing he goes to at the CC - he spends the whole time splashing and soaking himself and everyone! Apparently the effect of the sand and water "returning" has a v calming effect - has anyone else heard this?

Good luck to everyone else too, one thing childminders and parents can be sure of, is that its not uncommon behaviour!

Happy evenings all :)