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Kiddleywinks
27-03-2011, 01:27 PM
OMG! Don't know whether to laugh or cry!
I know this isn't strictly speaking for a minded child, but does anyone know how to explain to a 10 year old - academically intelligent but immature for age - why they are expected to accept responsibility for their own actions?!

101/2 year old son went to his friends house (over the road) to play, with clear instruction to be in by 8pm. I was in the bath after a looong friday, by the time I'd had my bath, had allowed 'another 5 minutes' and got dressed again, it was half past 8. I was about to go over the road as son walked in.
What time do you call this? I was just about to come and get you!
Oh yeah, sorry, forgot.
Well, sorry, but I forgot isn't good enough, you know the rules. Grounded for a week now mate.
Awww, that's not fair! S'not my fault I forgot!
(Me laughing) So who's fault is it then??
Is it my fault you forgot? No! You know the rules X, grounded for one day for every 5 minutes.
You could have come and got me earlier!
Big discussion about how he wanted the responsibility, and that's why I don't come looking for him anymore! (He's not allowed out of a set area - within calling distance) Not discussing this any further, as it's now bedtime anyway.

Today, just had friend knock for him, he answered the door, explained he was grounded, and came back in lounge, sat down and started crying.
What are you crying for?
Me and Y had loads planned and now coz I'm grounded I can't do ANYTHING!
(Calmly) Well 1. You can stop the tears, and 2. you know why you're grounded so 3. You'll make sure you're not late when you're ungrounded won't you?!
It's not MY fault I forgot
So who's fault is it then X? Mine? Your sisters?? Y's???
Oh you always blame me when it's not even my fault (more tears)
So explain to me whose fault it is then that you were late.
..... More of the same for the next 10/15 minutes, till I got really annoyed and told him to take his tears upstairs and go argue with himself!

NOTHING is ever 'his' fault even when there's nobody else TO blame, he point blank refuses to take responsibility for anything! His room, his actions.... you name it.
I've explained thousands of times about how actions have reactions/consequences
I've drawn comparisons when he's commented on other people's 'faults'

Any ideas because I'm seriously losing my sense of humour!
His sister was never like this, and here's me thinking girls were worst lol
x

Hebs
27-03-2011, 02:16 PM
be consistant with consequenses and they'll sharp learn,

my daughter was never like this but last summer my son (then aged 9) was, guess who ended up being grounded for 80% of the summer holidays :laughing:

but i was consistant and he has learnt the hard way :thumbsup:

sarah707
27-03-2011, 02:27 PM
Keep your sense of humour for a few more years... you'll need it!

Like hebs says, stay consistent and the message will get through.

Good luck! :D

youarewhatyoueat
27-03-2011, 02:53 PM
Does he have a mobile, could you show him how to set the alarm? or you could text him 5 mins before he's due.
Tell him its a good idea to tell the parent of the child he is visiting what time he's due home.

You can set all the boundries you like if he is having fun at a mates house he is likely to either forget what the time is or try to push it.
I tend not to ground mine as I don't think it teaches them much in a positive way its a bit too negative for me, but what I do do is move the time due home back to an earlier time if they are late.

So instead of grounding you could say he has to be home by 7.30 instead of 8 Its then down to them to prove they can do it and gain the extra time back.

curlycathy
27-03-2011, 03:00 PM
You could be describing my 11 year old!!!! Cant really offer any more advice - I've done the grounded thing and removed his ds, xbox, playstation etc until he's proved he can be more responsible.

He is starting to get it - slowly. Comes in more or less on time now (within 5 minutes). Think you just have to stick with it. Good luck xx

Pipsqueak
27-03-2011, 03:21 PM
Get him a watch - no more 'snot my fault.

My middle son was totally 'forgetful' of the time and being in - came down VERY hard on him - and now he is very very very rarely late.... actually mindee who was with him the other day had the great idea of pretending he had hurt his foot and thats why they were 5 minutes late......

excuse after 'owww my foot hurts' flowed - I still grounded them... Harry (my son) went 'see, told that wouldn't work' funnily enough the foot got better really really quickly.

tashaleee
27-03-2011, 03:30 PM
You could be describing my 11 year old!!!! Cant really offer any more advice - I've done the grounded thing and removed his ds, xbox, playstation etc until he's proved he can be more responsible.

He is starting to get it - slowly. Comes in more or less on time now (within 5 minutes). Think you just have to stick with it. Good luck xx

Same as my 11 year old! He is getting it - very very very slowly! :rolleyes:

Never had this problem with his sister either and Im beginning to sound bored of my own voice repeating the same things... every single week!

onceinabluemoon
27-03-2011, 05:02 PM
it seems to be a boy thing, lol

Seriously, I agree with the others, be firm, be consistent and he will learn.

Before he goes out let him know you will not accept any excuses and do not care whose fault it is he is late. If he is even 1 minute late xyz will happen without fail. Then follow through if he is late. If he is early/on time acknowledge that fact and praise him, possibly even give him a little treat so he associates being on time with good things (positive reinforcement).

Grounding is a little bit pointless in my eyes, it punishes you and him both.

I do things I know they wont like, for example doing some housework - this benefits you and annoys the child :laughing:

debratina
27-03-2011, 05:12 PM
Sorry to tell u it gets no better.
My nearly 18 year old son is the same
It's always my fault if he's late up or things aren't done lol
God help him when he moves out :D
Debra

Kiddleywinks
27-03-2011, 07:40 PM
Tried getting him a watch.... he's lost them (4 @ the last count... but of course it's not his fault he can't find them....:rolleyes: )
Refuse to get him a mobile until he starts looking after things.... school jumpers (on the third one of them since September - made him buy the last one as I refuse to keep replacing them), lunch bag - lost count so now he's taking his lunch in a carrier bag!, trainers, fairies must have had them away! I could go on...

I don't have a problem with sticking to the rules, or even with the grounding him, to be honest it's just trying to get through to him that HE IS responsible for HIS actions, accidents do happen, but it's still his responsibility to put in SOME effort rather than expect others to tell him what he should or shouldn't be doing at his age.
Him being a boy is no excuse for lazy, 'couldn't care less' behaviour iyswim

One minute he doesn't want me telling him what to do all the time, but then he pulled a face because I didn't 'remind him' to get his breakfast..... He's 10 years old for pity's sake. He has breakfast every day.....!

3 years ago, when he was going to a minders, I got so fed up waiting for him to get ready to leave (he'd start reading a book in his room, and once, caught him looking out the ruddy window!) I warned him over 2 days that if he wasn't ready by the time I was, he'd go to her in whatever stage he was at - on the third day he arrived at her house in his underwear with his uniform in a carrier bag! You'd have thought that that would have hurried him up the following day..... but nope (Thankfully my minder thought it was hilarious and understood where I was coming from lol, my children were the only ones she had in the morning too thank goodness)
Can get ready in 5 minutes flat when there's something on at school he wants to get to first though!

Ah well, back to the drawing board, and thanks for your replies
Chrissie
x

onceinabluemoon
27-03-2011, 07:50 PM
I didnt mean him being a boy was an excuse, just that the behaviour seems more prevalent in boys.

I dont suppose there's any chance he has dyspraxia is there?
Any motor skills problems/difficulties at school or with maintaining friendships etc? Part of this is they forget what they are doing/supposed to do and happily do something completely different instead. It drive me nuts!

Just a thought...

Hebs
27-03-2011, 07:56 PM
I didnt mean him being a boy was an excuse, just that the behaviour seems more prevalent in boys.

I dont suppose there's any chance he has dyspraxia is there?
Any motor skills problems/difficulties at school or with maintaining friendships etc? Part of this is they forget what they are doing/supposed to do and happily do something completely different instead. It drive me nuts!

Just a thought...

my sons is down to his ADHD

i got him a £15 mobile phone and have set the alarm on it for 15 mins before he's due home, and he normally runs through the door just in time now :laughing:

he also knows that i will ring him to check up on him and if he doesnt answer he's grounded

Splodge
27-03-2011, 08:39 PM
Have to agree with Debra, it doesn't get any better. my nearly 18 year old son is the same. Every thing is my fault and not his responsibility. He wants to be treated like an adult but does not want the responsibilities to go with it. He is a delightful boy and everybody loves him, but it is so infuriating.

It is a boy thing (my nearly 14 year old daughter is completely different and very responsible), but that is not an excuse and he has always been expected to take responsibility or face sanctions.

Heaven only knows how he will cope when he leaves home. xx

Rasharoon
27-03-2011, 08:42 PM
I'm with you all on this one for my newly turned 13 year old and no matter what punishment I've issued - sadly for me, nothing has worked.

I have the chat - he just glazes over as so not interested.

Everytime I try and trust him, he blows it. A good one the other day was we had swimming lessons. He went to a friends and was under strict instructions to be at the leisure centre for 5.00pm. Well guess what - no sign of him. After lessons with my youngest (both boys have lessons at the same time), we walk out at 5.45pm so see my eldest approaching. Of course, I'm not happy. He looks at me blankly seeing that we've had a lesson and his reply is "thought lessons were at 5.30pm". Lessons have always been at 5.00 for over a year. "Well if the lesson was at 5.30pm, why are you rocking up at 5.45pm that by time you get changed and get in the pool, you've only got 5 mins for the lesson". Of course, no answer but I do wonder how dim you can be.

He has a mobile, but never has it on or has it on silent. The list is endless and in all honesty, I must come across as the meanest mother ever.

You are not alone.

Pipsqueak
27-03-2011, 08:51 PM
Ok given all you have said then he is not responsible enough to go out - so tell him.
Until he stops making silly excuses and blaming everthing else, until he takes responsibility for his belongings and self then he is not responsible enough then to be out and about - how can you trust him.

Tell him all this. when he shows some savvy then perhaps you might reconsider.

he either wants to be a big boy (he will be going to secondary soon yes?) or he wants to behave like a kid. his choice - put the ball firmly in his court - he can either step up or not - as the case may be.




Tried getting him a watch.... he's lost them (4 @ the last count... but of course it's not his fault he can't find them....:rolleyes: )
Refuse to get him a mobile until he starts looking after things.... school jumpers (on the third one of them since September - made him buy the last one as I refuse to keep replacing them), lunch bag - lost count so now he's taking his lunch in a carrier bag!, trainers, fairies must have had them away! I could go on...

I don't have a problem with sticking to the rules, or even with the grounding him, to be honest it's just trying to get through to him that HE IS responsible for HIS actions, accidents do happen, but it's still his responsibility to put in SOME effort rather than expect others to tell him what he should or shouldn't be doing at his age.
Him being a boy is no excuse for lazy, 'couldn't care less' behaviour iyswim

One minute he doesn't want me telling him what to do all the time, but then he pulled a face because I didn't 'remind him' to get his breakfast..... He's 10 years old for pity's sake. He has breakfast every day.....!

3 years ago, when he was going to a minders, I got so fed up waiting for him to get ready to leave (he'd start reading a book in his room, and once, caught him looking out the ruddy window!) I warned him over 2 days that if he wasn't ready by the time I was, he'd go to her in whatever stage he was at - on the third day he arrived at her house in his underwear with his uniform in a carrier bag! You'd have thought that that would have hurried him up the following day..... but nope (Thankfully my minder thought it was hilarious and understood where I was coming from lol, my children were the only ones she had in the morning too thank goodness)
Can get ready in 5 minutes flat when there's something on at school he wants to get to first though!

Ah well, back to the drawing board, and thanks for your replies
Chrissie
x

Ali56
27-03-2011, 09:03 PM
Oh the joys! My children were rarely late when they realised the punishment was to do the 'horrible' household chores. ie wash kitchen cupboard doors, mop floor, clean bathroom, windows etc anything I knew they'd hate! I never expected much of a job tho to be honest, they were always to cross :laughing: After a short while the 'threat' of one of those jobs was enough! I'd let them know before they went out that the 'bathrooms a bit grubby........' !!:laughing: amazingly they were in on time!
It seems awful to do this but its not as bad as it sounds, the kids had to help round the house from quite young anyway.
It did teach them that actions have consequences, and that I always carried punishments through. I did/do withhold treats and computer/tv time if I feel its needed.
I rarely ground as then I'm punished too! I do take power cables from games consoles quite often as I'm to lazy to take the whole thing!
Hope you can get it sorted before the summer!