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View Full Version : What to say to Mum who gets anxious about me taking her dd out.



Katiekoo
13-03-2011, 11:17 AM
My mindees Mum got very upset last week and revealed that she gets VERY anxious about the thought of me taking her daughter (11 months) out to meet other children, at toddler groups and playdates as the child is very small, slightly vulnerable and quick to get distressed and tends to get a bit trampled on.
She has only been with me for a few hours a week so far and so I've not taken her to any groups or playdates yet but she's soon to come full time and I know ideally Mum would like me to solely care for her dd and not have my other mindees, there are vacant times of the week she can have me to herself and we're meeting to discuss that tomorrow.
I really want to present her with some evidence that socialising children is really very good for them. And help ease her anxiety, she says she has 100% confidence that her dd is happy and safe with me. Not sure what I can do to help.
I have said I will give her lots of warning about playdates and social outings so she can prepare herself, and if she wants at first she can opt out if need be. I reassured her that her child's care will not be compromised.

Does anyone have anything I could tell or show her that might help? I feel I have a duty to take the child out and visit people - show the child new people and experiences.
Any help really appreciated :)

Deb
13-03-2011, 12:22 PM
I would not give mum notice about going out, and explain that socialising with peers and having contact with other people in general is essential.. You wont have to look far to find tons of back up evidence to support your theory - Bowbly, Reggio Emmilo nurseries, Pen Green research centre england - have a look at Thomas Coram at Uni of London - loads and loads of stuff.

Do a risk assessment, give it mum and go out.

blue bear
13-03-2011, 12:28 PM
My mum preferred me to take lo out then tell her after wards so she did not get anxious and transfer it to the child. I started off going out once a week and built slowly, she found me taking lo to shops or a friends house with only one other child easier so I told her about this upfront so she could build her confidence. It takes time but you have to keep the Childs best interest foremost.

Katiekoo
13-03-2011, 12:48 PM
Thank you for your input, I feel like it's really important to take little ones out and mix with other children, plus my dd would miss out on this too if I just sit in all day! I feel like I want to support the Mum but think I may be being a bit too soft. :o

skytvaddict
13-03-2011, 01:05 PM
There was a question from a parent on mumsnet worrying about her 10 month old DD going "out" on playdates! She got lots of advice from cms who told her it was the norm. Maybe it was your parent!

It is definitely the norm for us. We go out most days, and on Fridays to other peoples houses who are not CMs (risk assessed of course).

rickysmiths
13-03-2011, 01:39 PM
Years ago I had a parent come to see me who said they did not want me to leave the house with their lo. At the time I lived in a 1st floor flat and both my children were young. I refused to take the child on there was no way I would ever agree to stay at home with a child.

I would not give warning of outings etc either. My parents know the regular toddlers that we go to but there I times when I do things spontaneously.

I also usually work full and so will have 3 full timers together again I could not agree to only take two out at a time it just wouldn't work.

I think you will have to work with mum and explain in order to meet your obligations under EYFS you need to take the children out to get fresh air every day, to be part of their local community and to mix with others. That this is healthy for the child and as they grow they will begin to make friends and become familiar with the place they live.

WibbleWobble
13-03-2011, 02:17 PM
There was a question from a parent on mumsnet worrying about her 10 month old DD going "out" on playdates! She got lots of advice from cms who told her it was the norm. Maybe it was your parent!

It is definitely the norm for us. We go out most days, and on Fridays to other peoples houses who are not CMs (risk assessed of course).


i read that too.

mandy xxx

mushpea
13-03-2011, 02:28 PM
sorry but I would either have to say 'tough' cause I wouldnt stay in all day nor would I not take on any other children uless she was prepard to pay for all of the avablible spaces or I would have to say 'goodbye' as again i wouldnt stay in all day or miss out on taking on other children.
I certainly wouldnt warn her of outings or play dates,,,, spur of the moment happens alot here,,, a point you could put forward is that in an emergency you would need to leave her with another childminder and so it would be good for you and this minder to meet regular so the child gets to know the other minder,,,,, and althought I know whe are ecouraged to put the positives forward you could also inform her of the negatives of her child not socialising,, ie not learning to share, not knowing how to cope with other children at school etc,, somtimes putting it in a negative way has more of an effect with parents as they dont want their child have 'problems' later in life

AnnieM
13-03-2011, 03:30 PM
The first ever child I looked after's (which just happens to be 17 years next week :eek:) mum refused to give permission for me to take him out in the car, :( he was 7 months old and she was terrified that something would happen, it didn't bother me as at the time I didn't drive and she was fine with me using public transport. I would never do it again though as shortly after I passed my test and it was quite difficult as she was still adamant that he was not to go in the car. I looked after him until he was 6 years old and never did take him in it, but after meeting up with mum a year or so later she said that she had realised how unreasonable she had been and apologised profusely. :D She wasn't worried about him mixing with other children and going to groups, in fact she was quite eager for him to go to as many as possible, I think the car thing was her worrying about the loss of control of her own child when handing him over to someone else, she obvioulsy felt that by doing this she was controlling some element of her baby when he was with me. Maybe this new mum feels the same. :thumbsup:

wendywu
13-03-2011, 05:16 PM
I would explain to mum that her fears will actually harm her child and hamper its development.

Explain how YOUR setting runs and tell her its up to her if she wants her child to attend and fit in with the routine.

Tell her that you have only ever turned out happy confident children, have never had any accidents or incidents that have happened because you were out at groups.

This is mums own problem and she should try to overcome this for the sake of her child. :panic:

Alibali
13-03-2011, 06:00 PM
Part of the service I offer is taking the children out every day if possible. If parents aren't happy with this, then my service isn't the right one for them and I'd advise them to look elsewhere. That said, I am going out tomorrow to 'Gruffalo event' in Waterstones and asked parents permission, my newest lo (aged 14 months) is small and her Mum asked me to keep her in her pram as she was scared that when the Gruffalo made an appearance the other children might get excited and trample on her:rolleyes: Glad she told me as I'd have just let her get trampled otherwise!!!

youarewhatyoueat
13-03-2011, 07:21 PM
Does mum currently take her daughter to any groups? I'm just thinking perhaps mum could meet you at a group you go to so she can be reassured how you work and who her child will be playing with.

Pipsqueak
13-03-2011, 07:28 PM
Be careful what you agree to with this mum during your discussion.

If she ideally wants you to only care soley for her child then perhaps she would be better of with a nanny or perhaps she is willing to make up the shortfall for the other spaces you will be giving up.

Katiekoo
13-03-2011, 08:11 PM
I had thought about the shortfall thanks pipsqueak for looking out for me, I would have to charge a higher rate.
I did suggest she come along the first time we go to the groups. She really understands that it is necessary to go out and about with the children, and wants this for her child but it does affect her anxiety. I think we'll be able to find a way through this together.

Ripeberry
13-03-2011, 10:41 PM
No way would I stay in all day. Would drive me bonkers :D

miffy
14-03-2011, 07:53 AM
Sounds like this child needs you!

I'd invite mum to come on a few outings with you, it might help set her mind at rest.

I would not agree to care for only her child however short a time as it might mean you turning down other work. Mum needs a nanny if that is what she wants.

Miffy xx

Katiekoo
14-03-2011, 07:04 PM
Thanks all so much for the advice. I met with the Mum today and she is so much calmer now, she is feeling a lot better and said that she just had a 'blip'. I really feel that we are working together now, I told her all about our outings and the people we mix with, she said she's happy for me to take lo to toddler group and have playdates. Phew! Also my other mindees hours are changing and that suits her needs very well. I will now have a good hour or two just to settle her little one before other mindee arrives in the mornings.
I am so glad we talked and she can see how important socialising is. Thanks all :)

Mel_Johnson
15-03-2011, 09:51 AM
You can really tell when a child has been socialise from an early age and how important is it.