Not sure what to do next

[MissTinkerbell]

Mindee is 4 and I'm having huge issues withh food, particularly tea times. At lunch time she is fine.

I've looked after her since she was 20 months with a year break whilst mum was on maternity leave. The first time around she would have tea at my house 2 nights a week and whilst not the best eater in the world she could be quite fussy and sometimes mealtimes would become an issue.

When she started back she started having tea at my house 4 nights a week. I had hoped that she would have grown out of the fussiness at mealtimes but no. Anyway I sent a list of all the meals I serve home and asked mum and dad to sit down and discuss with her what she would and wouldn't eat. They ticked this for me and explained to her that if she said she liked it then she would be expected to eat it.

Anyway things ticked along nicely for a while but then just before Xmas she started becoming really awkward and refusing to eat even the tiniest of mouthfuls.

I discussed this with mum and dad and they sat down with her and explained that she needed to eat a well-balanced diet to grow up healthily and that she just couldn't eat pasta all the time. They told me that i was to give her her food and if she was to eat it then all well and good. If not then I was to remind her abouther targets and that if she ate her tea (or most of it, it didn't have to be all) then she would get a treat when she got home.

Once again this worked well for a while and she then slipped back into not eating hardly anything. I then got her involved on a Friday afternoon in plannnning the next week's meals and writing my shopping list - sometimes we'd go to the supermarket and she'd help me do the weekly shop. During the week I'd get her involved in helping to prepare the meal for thats day's tea.

A few weeks ago she started asking at lunchtime what was for tea... I would tell her and it was if by teatime she had decided that she wasn't going to eat it (unless it was pasta or chips) and would flatly refuse. I then started telling her when she asked that I hadn't decided or that it was a surprise but she would then keep asking all afternoon.

Now 2 nights this week she has sat at the table and eaten nothing when she has been given food she likes and has eaten before in the past. Mum and dad are now getting fed up of her not eating (she's also like this at home so its not just here).

I'm not sure what to do next or what advice to give her mum and dad as they are also at a loss. She is just so inconsistent in what she will eat. I don't know what to do as I've never had any food issues with my own children or any of the other children I have looked after.

All advice on how to deal with this and get my little mindee eating again would be gratefully appreciated.

[Ripeberry]

We had a discussion about this kind of thing at our CM group and basically Ofsted say that the rights of the child override what the parents want. All you can do is provide the food and if it's not eaten just carry on with the pudding.
Don't get different food, just miss out the meal part. As long as she has eaten something then you've done what you can.
Trying to encourage them or make them sit there is just a battle of wills.
Do you have other mindees who eat at the same time? Sometimes peer pressure seems to work better than what any adult can do.

At least she has one good meal a day at lunchtime :)

[sarah707]

Put the food down in front of her along with everyone who is eating... leave her to do her own thing.

Remove the food without fuss when everyone has finished and give her fruit or milk pudding to ensure she gets some nutrients.

Another thought I had was maybe give her a slightly bigger lunch if she likes that meal??

I often bag up tea if children have chosen not to eat and parents tell me they usually eat it later at home.

It sounds like you have a good partnership with parents going on - maybe go back to the beginning again with a star chart or similar?

hth :D

[MissTinkerbell]

[QUOTE=Ripeberry;882263].
Do you have other mindees who eat at the same time? Sometimes peer pressure seems to work better than what any adult can do.

QUOTE]

My own children and her brother all eat at the same time but this just does not seem to bother her. They try to encourage her to eat. She is an extremely strong-willed and TBH stroppy little girl when she doesn't get her own way.

Whilst I agree with you on carrying on to pudding, with this little mindee if she was to not eat any of her main course and then get pudding she would see this as winning and getting what she wants and wouldn't actually help solve the situation and get her eating a well balance meal.

I have offered her a piece of fruit/yoghurt (when the others have eaten all their tea and have got homemade cakes/puddings) but she wants what the others have - which she has been told she can have if she eats some of her tea otherwise she just gets fruit/yoghurt.

Its just so frustrating - if it was an issue that she didn't like it I would have no concerns but its not. Monday night we had roast chicken, roast potatoes, carrots, broccoli, cauli (which she didn't have because I know she doesn't like it) and peas - her favourite meal - she refused to eat any of it. I asked her if she didn't want it because she had a full tummy and she said that her tummy had room but that she didn't like it. Even though dshe'd eaten the exact same meal on 3/4 occasions in the past - there's just no consistency with her :rolleyes:

[Helen79]

could you offer a cooked lunch if she'll eat it at lunchtime and then just a snacky kind of tea like cheese on toast or sandwiches.
She may just not be hungry at dinner times or too tired to eat.

It sounds like she's got a control issue with dinner time, and it's not really about what food she likes or doesn't it's the attention she gets for not eating.

There seems to be a lot of talk about mealtimes, targets and bribery with her which is probably too much for a 4 year old to understand.
Could you do a picture menu for the week together, then she knows all week what she's going to be having each day and then there's no asking all afternoon. Give her her food then sit with her and ignore the food, talk about what you've done today/what's you're doing tomorrow, anything other than the food so all the focus and attention isn't on the mealtime and her not eating. Give her say 15mins then offer her a piece of fruit.

Or try a chart with different foods on and she gets a sticker for each food whenever she tries it and then has a treat at the end of the week if she's got enough stickers.

It's so frustrating when they refuse to eat but the more attention they get over not eating, the longer it'll go on for.

[MissTinkerbell]

Give her her food then sit with her and ignore the food, talk about what you've done today/what's you're doing tomorrow, anything other than the food so all the focus and attention isn't on the mealtime and her not eating. .

This is what we try to do...we all discuss our day and not mention the fact that she's not eating. I've had to remind my own children NOT to comment on the fact that she isn't eating though.

I also think that this has now become an issue about control - she now eats with me 3 nights a week and at home the other 4 and from the impression I get an issue is being made about her not eating.

Its not really possible to cook for lunchtime as the mornings of the days she has tea at my house we attend groups, hence why she helps me prepare the tea whilst her brother is having his nap.

[magicminding]

I dont have any solutions - sorry :( but I do think you're right - it's her way of controlling the "situation".

I remember reading that food and eatting is the only thing children can ever truly control, and that they can and will make an issue out of this. (I've had my fair share in the past - including my dd).

I would give her dinner, however you decide, make no issue of her eatting or not for now, and then offer fruit as the others have suggested if she doesn't eat her "main course". Later, as she does eat dinner, praise and reward, but I would leave it a month making no comment to be honest - as hard as that may be.

The mini mend way for fussy eaters was to sniff, kiss and lick the food, we had a little charater that was sad cos he could only eat moon dust, and was happy to try new foods.

I've actually got a LO with a similar situation, and decided to stop doing dinner the one night I have LO, (but for a diff reason as far as mum concerned) - cos I was getting soooooo stressed over it. Today was the first day without doing LO dinner, and it was so much better, but I appreciate that's not the answer you're after.

Good luck

[Helen79]

I would also make a diary of what she eats each day. If she eats well for the rest of the day then parents might be surprised to see the variety of foods she does actually eat and it may take the pressure off them trying to get her to eat 3 balanced meals a day. You all may be having this battle over her eating when she doesn't actually need that last meal of the day.

Young children are better off eating 5 or 6 small meals and snacks, rather than 3 large meals a day. As long as she's eating a variety of healthy foods throughout the day, missing out on an evening meal isn't going to harm her.

Maybe look at all her meals and find alternatives that will give her the extra nutrients she's missing from not eating at dinner. So instead of a bowl of cornflakes for brekkie, parents could give her a bowl of porridge with fruit mixed in and orange juice so she's already had 2 of her 5 a day and had lots of energy in her porridge.

A roast dinner with 3 different veg is a huge evening meal for a tired 4 year old, I wouldn't manage one after a day at work. Maybe offer smaller portions of lighter meals or save whatever you've had the night before for her lunch the next day.

[babs]

ive got a 3 1/2 year old who does this after speaking with mum. i now give her dinner with the rest once others have finished we talk for about 5 to 10 minutes to give her time to eat then i take plate away and offer fruit or yoguct sometimes she even refuses this.( mum wanted me to stop offering fruit / yoguct) but not giving her any attenion is working its taken a month and sometimes she trys it on but i ignore her and carry on with lunch.

[Ali56]

I have more than my share of fussy eaters over the years, including my own DD (now 16!) I'm sure that I have not much more to add to what everyone else says really except to say that she will eat enough to keep herself going and that as long as she grows and gains weight, she'll be fine. DD had a multi vitamin each day to make sure she got some nutrients at least. Then I would completely ignore her around food(with regard to talking about food!) and encourage all the other children round the table to do the same, talking only of other, more interesting things. If she starts a conversation about the food in front of her then tactfully divert her attention to something else and carry on, simply saying that if she wants to eat thats fine and if not then thats fine too, no worries. Put the very smallest amount of food on her plate and keep it simple(so it is not a daunting prospect to eat something and receive praise-you can always offer more, with yet another helping of praise). Say nothing and just remove it when the meal has finished, at the same time as praising all the others for doing so well. I have found this the most effective way of dealing with the picky ones, and by far the least stressful. I would also offer any milky drink in the morning or just after lunch so she is reasonably hungry at tea time. Some children tho are happy grazers and do best with little and often?
My DD is still reasonably picky, but is now taller than me and doesn't let me forget it!!:laughing:

[sillysausage]

I like Sarah's idea of sending her meal home with her. You sound like you and the parents get on really well and have jointly tried to tackle her 'fussiness'. If the meal has been freshly prepared at yours then it will stand being reheated a little later when she gets home. If she doesn't eat it just say 'ok, you're obviously not hungry yet, I'll cover this for later and you can take it home' put some clingfilm on it and stick it in the fridge if necessary. You could even send dessert home too.
I think she is trying to push the boundaries and take control. So far all the adults have stuck together and used the same strategies which then work for a while, whilst she thinks up her next idea for taking control.

[MissTinkerbell]

I like Sarah's idea of sending her meal home with her. You sound like you and the parents get on really well and have jointly tried to tackle her 'fussiness'. If the meal has been freshly prepared at yours then it will stand being reheated a little later when she gets home. If she doesn't eat it just say 'ok, you're obviously not hungry yet, I'll cover this for later and you can take it home' put some clingfilm on it and stick it in the fridge if necessary. You could even send dessert home too.
I think she is trying to push the boundaries and take control. So far all the adults have stuck together and used the same strategies which then work for a while, whilst she thinks up her next idea for taking control.

I really like this idea and I think that this is what i am going to suggest next. She told me this morning that when she got home mummy gave her some marmite on toast so she was obviously hungry later on. At least if i send her uneaten meals home, mum and dad are not paying for something that she hasn't eaten.

Thanks for all the advice.

[MissTinkerbell]

Just thought that I would update you all and thank you once again for all the great advice.

Mum came early last night so was able to have a good long chat. They are not offereing her tea when she gets home - all she has the option is a slice of toast and butter before going to bed so she isn't hungry.

Mum is also thinking that this is now an issue of control and wasn't sure how to handle it! Between us we have decided that I will offer her the same meal that everyone has and if she chooses not to eat it, once the others have finsihed I will remove the plate, saying oh perhaps you're not quite hungry yet, cover it and pop it in the fridge. She will then be asked to leave the table and go and play, the others can then have pudding. When mum/dad picks her up they will take her plate of tea home.

If she complains of being hungry when she gets home she will be offered her tea and then left quietly with no fuss to eat. If she still doesn't eat it, mum is going to give a yoghurt before bed and thats all.

Hopefully this will stop her playing us off against each other and show her that we are working together so diffusing any controlling she is trying to do. I'm just hoping this will work otherwise I may be back on here again asking for more suggestions!!

[Blackcat]

Just thought that I would update you all and thank you once again for all the great advice.

Mum came early last night so was able to have a good long chat. They are not offereing her tea when she gets home - all she has the option is a slice of toast and butter before going to bed so she isn't hungry.

Mum is also thinking that this is now an issue of control and wasn't sure how to handle it! Between us we have decided that I will offer her the same meal that everyone has and if she chooses not to eat it, once the others have finsihed I will remove the plate, saying oh perhaps you're not quite hungry yet, cover it and pop it in the fridge. She will then be asked to leave the table and go and play, the others can then have pudding. When mum/dad picks her up they will take her plate of tea home.

If she complains of being hungry when she gets home she will be offered her tea and then left quietly with no fuss to eat. If she still doesn't eat it, mum is going to give a yoghurt before bed and thats all.

Hopefully this will stop her playing us off against each other and show her that we are working together so diffusing any controlling she is trying to do. I'm just hoping this will work otherwise I may be back on here again asking for more suggestions!!



sounds like you have a good mum there

[sarah707]

I think that is an excellent plan. Fingers crossed :D