Would you give notice? (long one)

[Nikki76]

Hi
I'm a newbie childminder how currently looks after one little 3 yr old boy on a part time basis.
I started looking after him in September when his mum moved into my area after divorcing his father. He was very unruly and I was to be his 5th childminder in the last 2 years!!
It has taken a while but me and L finally got to an understanding about my rules. i.e he walks with me when out (and doesn't run off like he does with mum) He doesn't spit, hit or kick etc....Mum has a very different approach to him than I do. I have discussed it with her but I think she just sees it as something he will grow out of and doesn't really have any type of control over him. She is forever running around the playground after him!
Anyway things have been ok. He settled in well and mum is very pleased as he really likes being with me and even asks to come to mine at weekends!
However the last few days have been horrendous! Yesterday I handed him back at the school gates to mum. Just as I was about to leave to collect my daughter from her class she called me back to ask if we could talk about changing hours (nothing major) I then asked her where L was? He had run off towards to the road. The mum was wearing high heels, so I obviously went chasing after him with her to help her out.
This was seen by the entire school - who probably now think I'm an incapable childminder and didn't realise that I had actually handed him back already!
Then today I picked him up from preschool and he decided he didn't want to leave. He is used to being "manually removed" as his mum puts it, but for obvious reasons this isn't something I can or will do. The entire staff at the preschool came to investigate and it ended up with one of them carrying him out to my car! Again making me look like a bad childminder!
I live in a very small village with only two other childminders who have both been minding for the past 25 years, so I am trying to establish myself. I dont think this is something I'm going to be able to do while I mind him.
When I first started I had quite a few of the parents at the school say that they wanted to talk to me about looking after their children as they wanted to go back to work. Some of them have since commented on how much of a handful he appears to be and the others just avoid talking to me about minding their child again......
I feel like a total failure if I do give up on him but I also feel as though he could be a reason that I am not getting any enquires at all. Being a childminder is all about how you present yourself and how you are seen whilst with the children. The mum has no control over her son and I dont feel as though I can impliment this without her doing the same. Something that she doesn't seem able to do.

If anyone could help I would be much appreciated. I honestly feel like crying at the moment.....:(

[Pipsqueak]

Nope I don;t think I would be terminating at the moment.

Call mum in for a formal chat and explain to her that this is not phase and without consistent adult intervention the behaviour will not pass it will get worse.

Explain to her that by you and her (and pre-school) working together his behaviour can be managed and modified.
IF she won't work with you then explain that you feel that you may have to consider the future of the contract as you have other children in your care to consider.

No I don't think it makes YOu look bad though I can how you think its perceived in the playground (child running off) but i am of an age where i really couldn;t care less what other people think. However for my own protection I would be writing it up as an 'incident' and getting parent to sign. Reiterate strongly within your report that child had been handed over. If there is any come back - you have parental signature to confirm.

Perhaps you can suggest to mum that due to childs dangerous behaviour you will hand over using some reins or wriststrap.

Again at pre-school - doesn;t make you look bad at all - they are obviously used to his behaviour.

Have you mums permission to work with pre-school?

Mum has got to be with you on this otherwise you are fighting a loosing battle.

[mama2three]

I think that the way this little one usually behaves with you puts you in a really good light with the other parents. No doubt they see a little tearaway on 'mum' days and a very different child when you have him. Keep on doing what youre doing as hes obviously responding well to your boundaries - and get mum in for a 'stern' chat as pip suggested. If youre able to discuss with playgroup maybe you could present a joint attack to get mum onboard? x

[Nikki76]

I think it may actually start to get worse yet as mum recently told me she has got back with her ex hubby (L dad) and I think this will just cause him more upset and make him act out more.
Also he has a habit of breaking toys deliberatly (normally small inexpensive ones) but about a month ago he broke a tractor set which cost about £15. He literally just picked it up and threw it across the room (twice). I showed it to mum and told her where I bought it, she said she would replace. This still hasn't been done and I'm too embarressed to bring it up again. He pulled the keys off the laptop at preschool, and I'm forever signing the accident/incident book at preschool because he has been fighting or hitting other children.
Mum did jokingly say that I should put reins on him, but I used to use a buggy board so he couldn't run off and he would act like a caged animal fighting with me escape to the point that people would stop to look at what all the fuss was about. Besides he is nearly 4! He's going to full time school in September surely he should know how to walk safely??

AARRGGGHHHH. I hate confrontation. Perhaps there should be a course designed on how to deal with families like this?

[Goatgirl]

Hi :),
If the little one behaves with you, then you have done a marvelous job already. Take a few minutes to be proud of yourself :clapping:

Regarding the parents in the playground, there's nothing to be done about what they've seen or what they may think, so you need to try and put it behind you if you can. Onwards; upwards :thumbsup: I've often had parents in the playground chat to me about the possibility of looking after their child 'when I go back to work' etc, but plans change and if they don't bring it up again I don't take it personally. I just stay cheerful and friendly: try to catch their eye and ask how things are going if I get a chance and if they mention other childcare etc i make a point of being fine with it: 'oh i'm so glad you found somewhere that suits him' etc...

Of course there is the possibility that thinking of their child having to put up with this mindee at your house might put them off, but there's not much you can do except be seen in public as much as possible with his well behaved alter ego :D
You obviously can't discuss children's behaviour with all and sundry in the playground, but i'm sure there will be little opportunities to make general comments like 'isn't it funny how they play up for some people and not others'. or 'no matter how wonderfully they behave, they all go a bit haywire when Mum or Dad walks in, bless em :)'

I think you've just had a run of unpleasant experiences fell you're banging your head against a brick wall with the mum and need some reassurance. You've had some good advice esp in dealing with Mum to try to get her on board. If you feel you can, stick it out and you may be surprised...

Must be so confusing for the little one too, but he can behave with you, so you'd think she would see it.
Some parents just never change, unfortunately for their children, so if she doesn't, don't beat yourself up. You're doing what you can. Be proud of yourself.

And at the end of the day, if it all does get too much, you are free to give notice if that 's what feels right. In your place I'd be giving it a big push on the Mum front and re assessing in a while...

take care of yourself,
Wendy :)

[Pipsqueak]

even on a buggy board he would be on reins.

if he is breaking toys wilfully and hitting and hurting over children - then he would be on a very tight leash (metaphorically).... he would be with me every second of the day.

I would be getting down to his level, using simple plain words and 'no'.
He is used to having his own way and will test the boundaries with others.
AGain I say - get pre-school on board -you and they should be working together under EYFS.


There is a course.... one that many of us recommend:

Create a behaviour management plan -
show it to mum
get her on board or not at the case may be
get pre-school on board
get tough with the little one

reward good behaviour - as it sounds like his bad behaviour attracts all the attention he wants. Don't give him the opportunity to run off - stick them reins on him. Don;t allow him to play with expensive 'good' toys. He has to learn respect - but most of all this little boy needs some firm discipline and the mother needs a boot up the rear.

[JCrakers]

Hi,

I would pull mum aside for time to talk when little one is not there?

If he's nearly at school she's gonna be in and out of the school with different problems as they just wont have that behaviour disrupting the classroom. :(
Just try and be calm and professional with her. Tell her it IS a problem and it needs to be dealt with. Make a list of all the incidents youve had. Tell her you dont want him to leave, you want him to stay but you need help with his behaviour. Its hard confronting parents but sometimes it has to be done. I wouldn't stand for the bad behaviour as it just disrupts the whole day and everyone else.

Most parents dont like to be told so try not to act like your telling her what to do. Its nice to have a freespirited child but it can get out of hand without the proper discipline and boundaries cant it.

Theres a mum at toddler group and while all the other children are sitting singing and having a really good time, she's running about with her son trying to get him to sit down/join in/stop hitting the others etc. She looks exhausted. He was there with his dad this week and he was a totally different child. He sat with his dad and was so calm. Kids are VERY clever and they know how each parent reacts to them.

Becky x

[breezy]

Totally agree with Pip.

it is incredibly hard but you're doing a great job but you need mum and pre school on side working with you.

[jumpinjen]

perhaps you could try and take him to as many playgroups etc in the area as possible so that other parents can see you being professional and firm and how his behaviour is much better when mum not there..... you can chat with other mums and then present your preferred view of yourself!

Hugs, Jen x

[jane5]

you have had lots of good advice already:thumbsup:

I dont think you will be seen in a bad light as It sounds like you are handling this situation well but if I was a parent in the playground I may be put off sending my children to you because I would worry that my lo's may copy his behaviour.

I hope things improve for you

[Nikki76]

Thanks for all the replies.
Jane5 - My little 2 year old daughter already has strted to copy him which makes me more determinded to either nip it in the bud or give notice. Will talk to the mum asap and see what she thinks. I will definetly be buying a wrist strap tomorrow though..:D

[wendywu]

Well i am going to go against the grain and say that i would not have put my children when they were young with a minder who cared for a violent or aggressive child.

So to answer one part of your question, yes i do think that this child will put other parents off using you.

You are doing a great job with him, well done, but it depends on how full you want to be. :(

[pinky33]

I'm going to go against the grain also, if you have had enough then give notice!

Others have given excellent advice though x

[Ripeberry]

Another one here. If you speak to the mum and try and work out a plan of action and give it maybe 4 weeks or so. If no improvement by then, give notice.
You may find that when people find out you don't care for him anymore you'll get lots of new enquiries. Now you know why other CMs kept moving him on, but at least you are trying to give it a go, but don't do it at the expense of your sanity and reputation :(

[Baildon bears]

Sometimes you just have to do whats best for your setting, I had a mindee who was disruptive aswell, not quite to that extent. But I found he completley changed the dinamioncs of my setting made my usually carm children hipper, he also had home issues I coped for 1 year then gave him up, I still feel bad sometimes as I was his only stability but I had to do the best for my family and setting. You are doing amazing, be firm with mum though.

[jane5]

Thanks for all the replies.
Jane5 - My little 2 year old daughter already has strted to copy him which makes me more determinded to either nip it in the bud or give notice. Will talk to the mum asap and see what she thinks. I will definetly be buying a wrist strap tomorrow though..:D

I have a 2 year old dd and I would definitely give notice if she started to copy him. Its all very well feeling that you have to help him and you are his stable environment ect... but my child's well being and happiness always comes first.

I dont think mum will change either, I think the best you can expect is for him to behave whilst he is with you.
Go with your gut instincts and if you do decide to terminate the contract do not feel guilty. Do what is best for you and your family, you are a childminder not a social worker :thumbsup:

[cowboy]

HI

I have had a difficult one too and ended up giving notice.
I think an unsupportive parent in denial will not change.
We are not social workers as someone said before and some of these children are anti social and do not respect your home and family.
It may be best to talk about 'I am unable to meet your child's needs' 'what can I do to meet his requirements?' 'I think a specialised approach is needed'
rather than 'your child is naughty I'm giving notice''I think a one on one approach will suit your child better thanh a busy setting like mine' .
Parents don't seem to like being told that their child is naughty.
Anyway good luck- as a side note I feel lots better and the dynamic in the setting is much improved since I made the decision.
Take care and be strong,

Cowboy

[Daftbat]

I think that you need to take a 2 stage approach to this problem. Firstly do what Pip says and have a proper formal meeting with the parent and state exactly what you expect from them, what you are prepared to do and put it all in writing. Then you need to give yoruself a finite time limit within which you will assess how things are going. If, at the end of this you decide that its no better then I would, for the best interests of everyone involved temrinate the contract.

You have a valid point about the perception of your business - not so much about your own capabilities but a dificult child can influence how the other children you care for will react and therefore how their parents will.

You have abusiness to run and presumably you want to also enjoy your job so you need a strategy which is agreed by all involved.