nessynoodle
27-01-2011, 09:26 AM
Hi all
I am feeling rather low today. I have a lovely little boy (4 years) who I care for 3 days a week and have done for 6 months. He took a little while to settle in and get used to me as he was quite reserved at first, but we were getting on SO well and I was extremely happy with his progress and felt proud of myself and him. He was open with me, trusted me, friendly etc etc. He understood the rules in my house and I rarely had any issues with him.
So for the last 2 weeks he has been getting upset in the morning, scrunching up his face, but not actually crying. Saying to his mum he wants her to pick him up from school and give him tea. I didn't think anything of it as every child goes through a phase or two like this, and I knew that regardless of what he said in the morning or to his mum in the evening, he always has a fantastic time at my house. I give him choices about play, plan around what he enjoys and he is always happy. I know this for sure.
So last night his mum and i had a really long chat. She got upset because I think she is worried about him and feels terribly guilty about having to leave him in the first place. She said he is a sensitive boy and I know she worries because his mum and dad aren't together anymore (though this happened a while ago and he sees his dad regularly). She is such a lovely lady and a good mum and I understand how she feels, but I don't know if she is overthinking it, at the end of the day yes he is going to always prefer it if mummy could always pick him him, and yes he may be sensitive, but he is also just 4, and once she has left he is fine, so perhaps his stress and trauma is more in her head than his - and he knows that too.
I spoke to her for a long time about how he is getting on, his development is great, he's smart, imaginitive, confident. We thought of ideas to make him pleased to come to mine in the morning - her suggestions were more rewards though, having something nice to eat at my house for breakfast (they already have chocolate croissants and things that she brings) or having his favourtie tv show on which is only available at my house, or buying him a special magazine each week to keep at my house. My ideas were things like letting him 'look after' something of mummys that is very important and she will need it when she picks him up later, or something positive like a sticker chart (although I'm not keen on this exactly, but something similar that will show his good behavious and allow him to be proud of it). I think theres a fine line between rewarding good behaviour and bribing!
So first of all I'd like to ask for your input any ideas you have or that have worked at your setting? Or is it just a case of tough love, ignoring him and trusting that he will be OK.
I fully believe that he goes home and tells his mum that he hasnt had a nice time or that I wouldnt give him pudding etc etc. The trouble is that I have about 7 rules in my house which are there for the good of all the children and as you all know I have to be consistent with these. The pudding thing - one of the younger children is not eating properly at dinner time at the moment, now the fact of the matter is he is a toddler and NEEDS vitamins, iron etc etc. If he sees one child leave his dinner and still get pudding of course he will want to do the same. So I have to be consistent with my rules and make sure a good amount of veg etc is eaten before they are allowed a desert (I hate the fact that I sound like my own mum but I know it is for the best, they can't live off pudding!) The trouble being 4 year old will say, 'I don't mind, mummy will give us some at home.' or if I have a rule about jumping off the sofa, 'Mummy lets us'
His mum told me yesterday that in the last two weeks he has said he doesn't like me anymore but he used to. Now I realise I have to stay professional (as I did) and see him as a child who just wants his mums attention (which he knows he will get) but it is also so hard when I have worked so hard to make sure he's happy, and built such a good relationship with him to suddenly feel like its come undone. So I think this needs to be addressed with her too, make her realise that he does behave for me, talk to me and respect me in my home but when she picks him up he calls me names. And I think she needs to work harder in being consistent in her rules and speak to me about what I have said to him, so that if he has been naughty and I have therefore not let him have a treat, she doesnt then go home and give him one anyway. But I know she feels guilty and that will be hard for her.
So really I needed to get that off my chest but also ask for any advice, or your opinion on the matter. Do I need to be frank with her and tell her to just leave in the morning instead of explaining to him that she needs to work and this and that, and wait until he gives her a kiss. Or do we need to do all we can to make him happy when he turns up, eventhough he is 10 minutes later. Maybe we should all 3 of us sit down and ask him what his favourite things at my house are and what would make it better to be here, or is that asking for trouble?! I think he would use it to make out to his mum thats its much worse than it is.
Sorry its such a long post, I'm just getting it all out and thinking aloud too. I hope someone has time to read my ramblings and reply :(
Thanks xxx
I am feeling rather low today. I have a lovely little boy (4 years) who I care for 3 days a week and have done for 6 months. He took a little while to settle in and get used to me as he was quite reserved at first, but we were getting on SO well and I was extremely happy with his progress and felt proud of myself and him. He was open with me, trusted me, friendly etc etc. He understood the rules in my house and I rarely had any issues with him.
So for the last 2 weeks he has been getting upset in the morning, scrunching up his face, but not actually crying. Saying to his mum he wants her to pick him up from school and give him tea. I didn't think anything of it as every child goes through a phase or two like this, and I knew that regardless of what he said in the morning or to his mum in the evening, he always has a fantastic time at my house. I give him choices about play, plan around what he enjoys and he is always happy. I know this for sure.
So last night his mum and i had a really long chat. She got upset because I think she is worried about him and feels terribly guilty about having to leave him in the first place. She said he is a sensitive boy and I know she worries because his mum and dad aren't together anymore (though this happened a while ago and he sees his dad regularly). She is such a lovely lady and a good mum and I understand how she feels, but I don't know if she is overthinking it, at the end of the day yes he is going to always prefer it if mummy could always pick him him, and yes he may be sensitive, but he is also just 4, and once she has left he is fine, so perhaps his stress and trauma is more in her head than his - and he knows that too.
I spoke to her for a long time about how he is getting on, his development is great, he's smart, imaginitive, confident. We thought of ideas to make him pleased to come to mine in the morning - her suggestions were more rewards though, having something nice to eat at my house for breakfast (they already have chocolate croissants and things that she brings) or having his favourtie tv show on which is only available at my house, or buying him a special magazine each week to keep at my house. My ideas were things like letting him 'look after' something of mummys that is very important and she will need it when she picks him up later, or something positive like a sticker chart (although I'm not keen on this exactly, but something similar that will show his good behavious and allow him to be proud of it). I think theres a fine line between rewarding good behaviour and bribing!
So first of all I'd like to ask for your input any ideas you have or that have worked at your setting? Or is it just a case of tough love, ignoring him and trusting that he will be OK.
I fully believe that he goes home and tells his mum that he hasnt had a nice time or that I wouldnt give him pudding etc etc. The trouble is that I have about 7 rules in my house which are there for the good of all the children and as you all know I have to be consistent with these. The pudding thing - one of the younger children is not eating properly at dinner time at the moment, now the fact of the matter is he is a toddler and NEEDS vitamins, iron etc etc. If he sees one child leave his dinner and still get pudding of course he will want to do the same. So I have to be consistent with my rules and make sure a good amount of veg etc is eaten before they are allowed a desert (I hate the fact that I sound like my own mum but I know it is for the best, they can't live off pudding!) The trouble being 4 year old will say, 'I don't mind, mummy will give us some at home.' or if I have a rule about jumping off the sofa, 'Mummy lets us'
His mum told me yesterday that in the last two weeks he has said he doesn't like me anymore but he used to. Now I realise I have to stay professional (as I did) and see him as a child who just wants his mums attention (which he knows he will get) but it is also so hard when I have worked so hard to make sure he's happy, and built such a good relationship with him to suddenly feel like its come undone. So I think this needs to be addressed with her too, make her realise that he does behave for me, talk to me and respect me in my home but when she picks him up he calls me names. And I think she needs to work harder in being consistent in her rules and speak to me about what I have said to him, so that if he has been naughty and I have therefore not let him have a treat, she doesnt then go home and give him one anyway. But I know she feels guilty and that will be hard for her.
So really I needed to get that off my chest but also ask for any advice, or your opinion on the matter. Do I need to be frank with her and tell her to just leave in the morning instead of explaining to him that she needs to work and this and that, and wait until he gives her a kiss. Or do we need to do all we can to make him happy when he turns up, eventhough he is 10 minutes later. Maybe we should all 3 of us sit down and ask him what his favourite things at my house are and what would make it better to be here, or is that asking for trouble?! I think he would use it to make out to his mum thats its much worse than it is.
Sorry its such a long post, I'm just getting it all out and thinking aloud too. I hope someone has time to read my ramblings and reply :(
Thanks xxx