Destructive mindees - how to handle it?

[onceinabluemoon]

A while ago I had a mindee who would break things.

She was almost three at the time and (for example) if I said 'leave the sand box lid there because if it falls down and somebody walks on it it will break' she would go get the lid, place it on the floor and jump up and down on it.

I don't know enough about child psychology to know if she was experimenting to see if my hypothesis was true or just a little brat who liked to break toys (this wasn't an isolated incident and talking to parents got me nowhere except to be told 'oh well she doesn't do that at home - standard answer to everything...) Eventually I terminated this contract for a multitude of reasons...

I have other mindees who just walk all over toys or who throw things without a care that they may break - each month I throw away a lot of broken toys. I have actually gotten so fed up with it that I have stopped replacing them and have told the children that if they keep breaking toys there will be none left as I'm not buying new ones any more.

Last week I took two of the children shopping and bought some new books (not toys you'll note, lol!) Two days later another child I mind sat in front of me, stuck her finger down the spine of the (£7!) board book and ripped it to pieces.

Of course I took the book away and told her in no uncertain terms that she had made me very sad by breaking our new book and asked why she did it. Standard answer - I don't know... (she is only 3 but very articulate)

You may think that most of these children come from families who have no rules or from very poor SE families but they are a mix from right across the spectrum and there is no difference! The 6 year olds are as bad as the 2 year olds...

I think I am obviously doing something wrong here so am looking for some advice on how to deal with this. My own children did not break there toys and to be honest I am horrified!

[singingcactus]

If you confront a child with 'why did you do that?' you will virtually always get the 'I don't know' answer. It's usually true too, they don't know. It's an impulse, they are still learning impulse control, they don't understand why so they will say I don't know - anything to give you an answer.
I don't know why your kids are destroying so many toys. I occasionally get things that get damaged but I don't throw out loads every month. Many of my toys are what I started out with when I was nannying 20 odd years ago. I'm not strict either, I let them play with the toys how they like. I hope you can figure out why it's happening so much. :(

[onceinabluemoon]

If you confront a child with 'why did you do that?' you will virtually always get the 'I don't know' answer. It's usually true too, they don't know. It's an impulse, they are still learning impulse control, they don't understand why so they will say I don't know - anything to give you an answer.


Yeah, I probably handled that completely the wrong way. To be perfectly honest I was pretty cross that she'd just sat there and broken it when I'd just asked her to be careful with it and treat it gently.

Perhaps you have hit the nail on the head when you say you are not strict. I am, and do not let them throw toys or jump on them, perhaps I need to lighten up and let them experiment more and just throw the broken stuff away without getting so stressed, lol!

I've only been doing this for 2 and a half years and still have so much to learn.

Thank you x

[Happy Bunny]

Occasionally you do get destructive children, i have a child with ADHD, occasionally he does do destructive things, i don't tend to let him have delicate toys as i know that sometimes he will be a bit heavy handed and things break.
With regards to books, i buy mine from charity shops that way if one gets torn i don't feel so upset. The nice books are put on a high shelf that we get down for reading time.
I have explained to all children in my care that if they cannot play nicely with thge toys that i have and look after them then they will be removed from play. That may sound a bit harsh but i am not going to continually replace things.
I had one mindee that used to persist in throwing toys, i spent a few days with just the soft toys out, she got very bored with playing with these but told her that as she couldn't play with the other toys without throwing them i wasn't going to get them out, that it was not fair to the other children to have the toys they liked playing with broken.
She slowly learnt over a few weeks i might add lol, i gradually brought the other toys out but when she started to get heavy handed with them they were removed.

[Ripeberry]

If I can I get charity shop toys for minded children, so if they break it then it does not matter, but they won't get the same thing again.
There is no way that I'm buying brand new stuff unless it destruct proof! :D

[singingcactus]

Y
Perhaps you have hit the nail on the head when you say you are not strict. I am, and do not let them throw toys or jump on them, perhaps I need to lighten up and let them experiment more and just throw the broken stuff away without getting so stressed, lol!



Thank you x

LOL! I don't let them throw or stamp on them either. I meant I'm not strict in how they play with them. I don't have toys that must be played with in a certain way, like dolls only in the dolls house, or food only in the kitchen, or paper only for drawing on. I mean I let them carry the toys around, mix them in with other stuff, use them in ways they were not classically designed to be used. I also don't insist on them being put away in certain places, or used in certain places.
Most of my toys are bought for the robustness, whereas many of today's toys - although expensive - are rubbish and do break way too easily.
Other than the books, what type of toys are getting broken.
And if my toys were being broken at the rate yours are I would be getting stressed too. But definitely you should have a look at charity shops and car boot sales - cos the toys that have survived long enough to be being re-sold should survive your little hooligans too lol...hopefully.

[mufftie]

oh no poor you , it must be very draining ,
i really dont know what to suggest other than the normal disiplin and having time out , my mindees respond very well to time out , they hate being separated from the group.

[The Juggler]

I had 2 siblings who started and they would come in and literally take their arms and swipe the whole of the smallworld off the table it was set up on.

I don't mind crossover play they can take the resources where they want but I think they shold learn to respect the resources.

I used to keep making them pick them up and put them back on the table every time they did it - stopped after a few weeks. Also used to throw things quite often and it was constant repeating about how dangerous it was/could hurt other people and take them outside to throw safely or offer soft balls etc to roll indoors.

takes a bit of time but with persistence. I think with the sandbox incident she probably was curious and wanted to see if it would break if she jumped on it. :laughing: joking aside I would not be happy about this either.

Lots of outdoor play for throwers though;)

[xdirtydancerx]

Oh dear! I really do feel for you with this one. My dd has never played rough with her toys (and to be fair my mindees don't either) but we had a sleepover for her birthday and her brand new Moxie Girl Styling Head got broken straight away, even though I had insisted that it couldn't be played with (I think they snuck it out of her bedroom while I was cooking tea).

I thinkin this situation I'd grit my teeth and keep drilling into mindees about respecting toys and taking them away if they do get handled without care. When there are no toys to play with they'll soon learn.

Good luck :)

[Pipsqueak]

Do you know what I think it is. Children now-a-days are not taught to respect 'things' and by that I mean each other, animals, people, toys, furniture - particuarly if its someone elses. You see kids jumping on bus seats and climbing all over chairs in cafes. Children are also picking up on societies wrong belief that we live in a 'throw away' society - if it gets broken or we don;t want it anymore we throw it away and get another one.

Many years ago (pre me lol) - young girls were given china dollies to play with.

When I was little heaven help me if i wilfully wrecked mine (or others toys). I got a telling off in no uncertain terms and I certainly did not get it replaced.

Two of my mindees - siblings age 3 and 6 have NO respect whatsoever for anything. The walk all over toys -they pull toys around and throw them and so on. I believe that from an early age children NEED to be taught to respect theirs and other peoples belongings. I am gently guiding my 20month old mindee!

The toys and equipment as well as furniture in my house are bought with MY (and Bris) hard earned money and children WILL respect it - end of. I am not particuarly strict but I have rules and I will enforce them.

[The Juggler]

i totally agree Pip. I think HOW they play with them is investigation but the rest is just not knowing how or why they should look after things. Imagine china dollies now:laughing: :laughing: (ps I'm too young to have had one also:p )

[onceinabluemoon]

Do you know what I think it is. Children now-a-days are not taught to respect 'things' and by that I mean each other, animals, people, toys, furniture - particuarly if its someone elses. You see kids jumping on bus seats and climbing all over chairs in cafes. Children are also picking up on societies wrong belief that we live in a 'throw away' society - if it gets broken or we don;t want it anymore we throw it away and get another one.

.

You know Pip I think you may be right. I had a new corner suite a couple of months ago and one of the children climbed up on it and started jumping on it. I told them off but they persisted throughout the day and broke my brand new (but clearly not very well made!) sofa!

Today I have constantly made them pick up the toys after play/before snack and lunch and even at the end of the day, we have only had one thing out at a time and things have been better. We've also only had toys out which are hard to break like stickle bricks and wooden dolls house etc. I don't really like ordering their play like this but if it teaches them a little respect it will be good, then they can go back to free play.

Thank you for all your replies x

[Newbie1!]

I really sympathise with this although Im afraid cant offer an explanation or any help, but just wanted to share with you that Ive had a couple very similar situations - when I asked one little girl why she had broken something in what seemed to me to be quite malicious, she simply replied "mummy says it doesnt matter and I can do what I like when I come here"!!! :eek: :eek: Needless to say a toys policy soon went out to the parents advising that children must be told to respect my things.......it makes me sooo cross sometimes. My lo is only 2 and is so careful and actually cries if she breaks something by accident as she doesnt want to lose the toy but some older ones just dont seem to give a monkies. Hope you get things back on track soon xxxx

PS definitely agree with the lack of respect thing.........when I was little I would never have dreamt of going to someone elses house and breaking things, Im only 29 so it wasnt all that long ago but I knew right from wrong!!