Spent half of Saturday crying... Am I over reacting? please advise

[Goatgirl]

Hi,
this is waaay long, so apologies in advance. ..
I've had a horrible weekend and really don't know how to sort this situation out. I'd be really grateful if anyone could give me some perspective on the situation.

I gave some parents a quick form to sign and date last thursday, just to add new hours to their contract. Just a formality I thought, as we've already started the new arrangement and they've paid for the next few weeks in advance, as usual.

They had trouble with their voucher system last month and were a fortnight late clearing into my account. I didn't give them a hard time about it, although I was £100+ down in the week before christmas but did say to not worry: I wouldn't be charging late fees this month. (These are a recent addition to my fees policy which I hadn't given them a copy of at that point, so I attached a copy to this form with an other 4 weeks notice before the new terms would apply).

I also suggested to Mum as I gave her the form that a 'later in the month' payment date would be a good idea, to give their payments longer to get to me without being late if she would like to have a think about it and get back to me next (this) week.

So on sat morning I get a phone call from dad saying he's emailed me 'some changes' to the form and can i call him to discuss. he sounded a bit odd, ...quiet?.. but I thought nothing of it and assumed it was the date change.
We've all always got on really well, have a friendly but respectful relationship, agree on childcare principles etc, the child is just gorgeous, and I considered them to be pretty much the perfect family to work with. They've been with me for coming up 16 months...
Mum was lovely and very helpful changin x's day recently so that I could have 2 children on 3 days rether than 3 on one and one on 2 days... hence the generous discount mentioned below.

So this is the wording on my original form:
New contracted hours will be Monday 8am until 4pm and Thursday 8am until 4pm. Charges will be applied at £3.75 for the first 8 hours of childcare and £3.05 for the next 8 hours of childcare. Any additional hours will be charged at £3.75.

All payments from 7th February 2011 will be made subject to the conditions set out in the latest fees and charges policy (copy attached: last reviewed 1/11/10)

Signatures/ dates...


This is the same form : (with their suggestions in blue)
Change to hours and fees for X

New contracted hours will be Monday 8am until 4pm and Thursday 8am until 4pm. Charges will be applied at £3.75 for the 8 hours of childcare on the Monday of each week and £3.05 for the 8 hours of childcare on the Thursday of each week. Any additional hours of standard childcare provided (by prior arrangement) will be charged at £3.75.

All payments from 7th February 2011 will be made subject to the conditions set out in the latest fees and charges policy (copy attached: last reviewed 1/11/10)

Invoices will contain the detail of the number of hours where childcare is expected to be provided for the subsequent month from the 20th of each month until and including the 19th of the following month, In addition if any charges are due for the previous months childcare, that were not accounted form they will be included and detailed in the next invoice.

All invoices for X’s childcare will be provided on a per calendar month basis on or before the 15th of each month, for the subsequent months childcare. Payments will only be made with a correct invoice. The date of invoice will be the 20th of each month and payment will be received into the account specified by (Me) within 5 working days of the invoice date, for the avoidance of doubt this is the due date.

All invoiced payments not received by the due date will be confirmed in writing via email, SMS text or letter, following receipt of such notice the parents will have 24 working hours to rectify the situation and provide all outstanding payments. Following this 24 hour period if payment has not been received late charges of £5 per working day will be applied and X will not be accepted for childcare until all outstanding payments are received.

Where there are any contradictions between this contract amendment and the fees and charges policy, this contract amendment will take precedence.

I understand that this agreement applies from the week beginning 10th January 2011, is an amendment to the main contract and as such, requires 4 weeks notices of any changes, unless otherwise agreed by (me) and one of X’s parents.
All other contract details remain the same.

Parent 1.
Signature: dated:

Parent 2.
Signature: dated:

Childminder. (Me)
Signature: dated:

Well it dawned on me pretty quickly that they'd taken the fees policy very personally, despite the fact it just is what it is, title and all and its not as though they haven't seen one before!I was just so shocked and upset at the way they'd dealt with the situation, I feel completely let down and just couldn't stop crying on saturday, so much so that I couldn't get out of the house to meet my daughter for luch - had to keep washing my face and re applying mascara, I was a total state.

Its spoiled my whole weekend, what with spending most of sunday morning trying to compile a calm response to all the things that were obviously bothering them.

I couldn't call as I would have just cried on the phone and didn't want to give Dad the satisfaction of thinking he'd succeeded in making me feel that bad. I said I would be keeping all financial arrangements in writing to avoid any further misunderstandings, pointed out I have offered them a ****** good discount and wasn't going to have my terms re written.
Gave them detailed reasons why.
Was very apologetic if they had taken offense at the policy which applies to all parents equally but I pointed out that I had suggested ways to avoid late fees and given plenty of notice so didn't think it would even be an issue in their case.

Dad immediately rang ( i didn't answer), left a voicemail sighing loudly and saying he was still in the same position and not really happy!! and could I call to discuss.

I emailed back (getting pretty angry by this time!) that as I had said in my earlier email I would be keeping all correspondence about finances in writing and as they'd now had a full explanation of all the 'suggestions' they had made, they could choose whether or not to sign it and continue with the new hours arrangement or not. I also offered to go back to the previous hours and rate if preferred. I wasn't rude, but I was brief. And clear that I wasn't going to be justifying myself or my business terms any more. Take it or leave it, best regards kinda thing.

Then they emailed to say they were confused that i had written such a long detailed mail when they 'haven't even made any changes to the fees'.

They said they would sign my form on condition that the payment date could change as I had suggested, they thought I was brilliant with X, didn't want to lose me etc.. BUT were confused at all the detail in my email and they were sorry for causing any offense and now were feeling rather upset themselves and if I couldn't even talk to them on the phone they didn't feel we could continue our relationship.

I had had enough by this point, feeling completely victimised and decided to have a good long think about a response, weigh up whether I thought i could ever trust them again etc and spend a couple of hours with my boyfriend and son who I'd neglected all weekend.

x was due this morning, but I got a text around 7 last night saying Hi Wendy, I wont be bringing x tomorrow. I think it should all be sorted out first so that x doesn't pick up on any bad feeling or awkwardness'.

I didn't reply as I was just exhausted by then and couldn't think of a way to answer that didn't sound defensive. I would be completely professional and lovely in front of X and have never behaved negatively to her or the parents.

I don't know whether I could carry on working with them after this 'attack', which is what it feels like. On the other hand X is so lovely, and without her I have 1 day a week with 1 child who is hard work alone but fabulous with company. All the children get on so well, the new dynamics are great, so its such a shame to say goodbye... but could i ever trust them again?
And how on earth could i 'sort it out' if I wanted to? They think I've totally overreacted to their reasonable actions and although they have apologised for any offense, they've also denied doing anything to cause offense :angry:

Angry, upset and confused.....

What would you do?
Wendy :(

[Mouse]

I'm sorry, I don't follow who's said what. Are all the bits in blue what you've written, or what they've added?

[Twinkles]

At first glance ( and I admit I have only glanced ) it seems to me as if they were just trying to get it all clear in their minds what was expected of them.

I don't know what to suggest as a way forward unless you can meet with them.
Perhaps explain in writing how upset you are because you thought you had offended them which was not -of course- your intention at all.
Go on to say you enjoy looking after x and would like to rectify this misunderstanding.

[Goatgirl]

I'm sorry, I don't follow who's said what. Are all the bits in blue what you've written, or what they've added?

What they've added.... :(

[Mouse]

So, did all the wording (or the main gist of it) come from your new policy or have they come up with that themselves? What does your new policy say?

To me it sounds as if they're just trying to clarify everything and get it all done in one go. I know you're obvioulsy upset by what seems to have been a misunderstanding, but I wouldn't have refused to talk to them on the phone. Email can be so easily misunderstood that it is so much easier to clear everything up, straight away, in a phone call. I would never refuse to talk to a parent on the phone unless they were being abusive and we had a big disagreement.

They've apologised for any offence they may have caused and said how happy they are with you, so it doesn't sound as if they're bing funny with you.

I may well not be reading it correctly, and I know it won't be what you want to hear, but I can't quite understand why you're so upset and thinking of ending the contract because you couldn't trust them again?

[jumpinjen]

To be completely honest with you, i think that this has scared them, that they could be liable to X, Y and Z, when they might have had a rather comfy cozy view of the relationship, just as you had,

I think their response scared you as you realise that all the formal stuff is just there cos it has to be and it is a fall back for other families, and you didn't understand why they wanted it all down in writing again.

to sort this out you need to bite the bullet and call them..... call mum's mobile if you don't want to talk to dad, have a few prepared lines to day when she answers such as....

I'm calling cos i want to sort this out..... I love working with you and don't want to lose you.... I didn't mean for all this to happen, it's just the legal side of stuff that we have to have to validate our insurnace and meet ofsted standards, i didn't mean for it to upset you, but after your reply i was really worried and that made it hard to talk about it other than in e-mail. I'd really like for us to draw a line under this and for you to bring X tomorrow and us to continue in the great way we have....

then see what she says...

hugs and good luck, we have all been there, it happens to everyone but you have to be brave about it.... text and e-mail ain't gonna sort it unless you terminate!!

Hugs, Jen x

[MaryMary]

Didn't want to read and run....sending you big hugs

It would be a shame to lose the family over this, and I think it is quite obvious that you have both misunderstood each other's intentions, and nobody meant any offence :o
I think (my opinion only & I know you will find this difficult) that you all need to sit down, face-to-face and talk it through. They obviously didn't realise how much their 'alterations' had upset you, and probably took your silence as being angry, not upset.

I hope you sort things out soon.
Good luck :thumbsup:

[Alibali]

It appears to a bit of confusion and misunderstanding to me, they seem really happy with you and just wanted to clarify the changes. I'd give them a call to talk it through, or arrange to meet and talk it through. Hope you're feeling a bit better (((((hugs)))))

[LisaMcNally09]

Its hard to see why they would be so detailed without seeing your policy? To me it just sounds as though they are clarifying points that may not have been completely clear to them on your new policy.

I know i always say to parents to completely understand everything they are signing before they do, so there are no misunderstandings in future. This is all it sounds like the parents have done.

Big hugs to you but i think you really need to call them to sort this out.

hth Lisa

[francinejayne]

without wishing to sound harsh, and probably because I don't have all the details, I'm finding it hard to understand why their reply has triggered such a situation, and it seems a shame to let it continue.
I'm sure they didn't mean any offence, and they're probably feeling quite confused as to what's happening.
I do think it needs you to bite the bullet and speak to them, it's so hard to convey what you really mean in writing, it would be a shame to let this one misunderstanding end your relationship which has been good up to now.
Hugs!

[Goatgirl]

Thanks everyone who's managed to read it. I know its ridiculously long. Can never think straight when I'm stressed. I do apologise :blush:

Hi Mouse,
The form was just to get in writing what we had already agreed and are already doing. They've already paid for this month at the verbally agreed price.
They have a contract. This form was just an extra to be stapled to it, to show the charges for the new hours and acknowledge late fees introduction.

The fees policy is the same as they've seen and been happy with apart from the addition of late fees. I have given them 4 weeks notice of implementing these and gone out of my way to help them avoid having to pay any.

I think it was just really rude to re write my form quite apart from the contents. In doing that I think they're at the very least implying I'm not running my business properly.

Then there's changing the charges so that if there was a bank hol for example they'd get their second day at the discounted price ( I can't afford this, I don't work or charge bank hols ) and giving me all kinds of obligations like telling them if they haven't paid me, giving them an extra 24 hours before I apply late charges, implying i'm going to refuse to accept x for childcare if they pay late etc. Saying invoices must be 'correct' ! What on earth does that mean? Thay've never ever said they have a problem with my invoices....

The stuff in this email is additional to our contract.

Is it just me who thinks they've been rude here?

I couldn't call them at the weekend. Rightly or wrongly I started crying every time I even thought about it.
I could call or meet with them when I know what I'm going to do and now that i'm calmer.
I also think its reasonable to ask people to keep things in writing when there have already been misunderstandings.

I feel they've caused an unnecessary situation out of thin air. and now I'm having to find the solution.

bws, Wendy

[jumpinjen]

I can see you're still really upset about this and I wouldn't expect you to call if you thought you would cry..... it is unfortunate that it has come to this and yes they may well have come accross as very rude by rewriting your form, as someone mentioned though, e-mails (and forum messages!!) can come across as harsher than intended and can be misinterpreted by both parties..... however the parents have behaved, I'm afraid that it is going to be up to you to sort it out amicably if you want their business, and/or a reference off them in the future, so however hard and however much you don't want to, if you want to keep working with them then you have to take steps to fix it.... by all means say that you don't wish to change your form, but you may have to force yourself to not insist that you want to make all the points that you have made here, as it will continue to spiral downwards. If you don't want to work with them amymore then give them notice, but there isn't much more to say really.... tell them that you offended by them re-writing the form and you don't think it necessary but you will have to make some nice 'overtures' if you don't want s mud-slinging match over it.... sorry, bug hugs, Jen x

[Tippy Toes]

I would be upset about it too. If I sent out terms and condition regarding my business and someone sent it back to me re-written I would be mad. Its like they are telling YOU how to run your business!

Its up to you and how you feel whether you want to continue to provide them with childcare.

Hope your feeling better soon x

[nessynoodle]

I am so sensitive when it comes to anything like this, anything that makes me feel someone might be angry with me...but I honestly think that what most people seem to be saying is right - they are just adding some detail to save any confusion on both sides. They have made the effort to add bits about the late fees so that you defnitely don't miss out, I think it is just a formality and as such the language they have used may seem abrubt when actually its just professional. Slightly unrelated but my Dad is such a friendly person, but if he is doing business he will always make sure that the formalities are dealt with and everyone is fully aware of the situation etc, because it ensures that no matter what happens you have that in writing to refer back to. I really think that's what they are doing and they obviously think you're a great childminder so I would think twice before you end the contract! You probably just need a few days to relax and think about it and talk things over, I'm sure it will quickly be forgottern once you have agreed on the policy and signed.

Like I said I am very sensitive too so I appologise if it sounds like I'm telling you to 'get over it' because thats not the case and we all take things personally at times, I completely understand that. But there are also much worse things that could happen in the grand scheme of things and I don't think this will ruin your relationship. In fact you will probably feel a lot worse saying that you can't continue than you will if you talk to them.

I hope you feel better soon and sort it all out. xxx

[berkschick]

Im sorry this has happened and that you are so upset.

I do think that they were just trying to sort things through themselves.

Just a thought about the hours, why not just offer £3.40 (thats what it averages out at) per hour instead of 2 diff rates? It could get confusing I think with 2 rates. If they are contracted 16 hours a week anyway then you will get the same amount whether you charge them 2 rates or £3.40 per hour.

[SYLVIA]

It seems that they may be a little worried that having had such a good friendly relationship with you, that you have now presented them with a carefully worded policy that looks very official. They may feel unsure of the relationship with you now. I think a conservation face to face would clear up misunderstandings and hopefully start to build the relationship again.

[curlycathy]

I can see why you are upset - I'd be upset too if someone altered the wording on something I'd written for MY business. Must admit tho' I couldnt understand why you were so upset about the fees bit - until you posted again and I realised how it would affect you when there's a bank holiday. I don't think they've thought about that either.

Its probably all a big misunderstanding and it would be a shame to lose them if you have always had a good relationship.

I would:

Call them and arrange a meeting - don't get into a discussion on the phone, just let them know you want to sort it out but it would be better face to face

Write everything down - in letter form if you want. Give them a copy at the meeting - and then talk through it. Explain how you didn't mean to upset them, but reiterate your terms and conditions that apply to everyone. Explain how the hourly rate works - and why their wording would leave you out of pocket and that that is not what you have agreed. Explain that you accept that they probably didn't mean to offend you but that it did upset you because you work hard on your business and your terms and conditions cannot just be changed to suit - although you will listen to requests and think about whether or not you can meet them.

Try and keep it friendly - cup of tea and biscuits. Reiterate how much you enjoy caring for X and that she is happy and settled with you.

I tend to get upset at things too and I can understand where you are coming from - but I don't think they genuinely meant to upset you.

Sending you big hugs and thinking about you (I actually read this post earlier but had to think about what to say - guess I have no excuse if it doesnt make sense!!)

[phoebe-alice]

Sorry your feeling so down at the minute, I know how you feel as I had a huge tiff with a parent over fees/hours. I cried buckets I'm surprised my poor partner put up with me as I just felt crushed. :(

Luckily we both sacrificed and managed to make amends, I was so depressed over the situation and to someone else it was probably nothing. But its horrible when you feel as if a parent is trying to put you down and question your business.

I really hope things get sorted soon, and just remember you aren't alone I'm sure every childminder has had a time when everything has just got too much. Big hugs.

[linda2girls]

Lot of replies already, so sending big hugs.

Hope it all gets sorted soon and you can move on.

Linda.

[The Juggler]

oh hon it's awful when this hapens usually as part of a misunderstanding. I'm sorry you are so upset. I would, personally, invite them in for a cuppa to discuss.

Say look the new fees policy was not directed at them but to cover you for lots of late payments recently. Then explain you thought they were trying to negotiate on the discount (I think that's what they were implying).

I agree, I think they were just trying to clarify at which point they would have to pay late fees but in a very formal way.

Use your best empathy skills and say this was in no way meant to uspet them but also explain how their e-mail made you feel. Tell them what a fab relationship you thought you had and you didn't want this to change. Hopefully you can all breathe a sigh of relief and go back (someway) to what you had before:)

Good luckx

[Pipsqueak]

I agree with the gist of what everyone has said.
i think there has been a huge hiccup in communication here and its gotten bigger than it should
:)

i know you want to keep everything financial in writing but you can still do that by having a face to face conversation - make notes, type up and sign.

i too would be a bit narked about someone appearing to tell me how to run my business but on re-reading it again to clarify it it appears they are trying to get it straight for themselves.

However I would be taking issue with their implication that you would not treat X professionally due to this.

[Goatgirl]

Hi everyone,

Just bit the bullet: called and apologised to the Dad for any and all misunderstandings. Said I hadn't been able to phone before for fear of blubbing and he said there would probably have been some tears their end too. Bless. All sorted now though: we've settled on £3.40 an hour to keep things simple, a much later 'cleared in my account' date so late fees shouldn't ever apply and X will be back on Thursday :clapping:

Thank you all so much for your comments and honesty. Not necessarily what I wanted to hear, but I couldn't see the wood for the trees and I think without you all and this forum I'd still be confused and upset.
I think you're right. I think they just reacted to the formality of the fees policy and then I took their formal reaction too personally. Should have picked up the phone there and then to see what the problem was, before the tears got a hold. What a numpty: I just wasted a whole weekend by being over sensitive. ...not to mention most of a tube of mascara :rolleyes:

And thanks for the hugs ...really needed those :D.

Best wishes,
Wendy

[Pipsqueak]

You should be extremely proud of yourself hun - you have behaved in a professional manner and cleared the air with the family AND you have been a very brave person in doing so.

All credit to you.:clapping:


I think that whilst we are encouraged to be 'professional' and 'formal' someimes that is not what parents want - they want us to be more flexi and easy going than the institutions for instance. We can still do 'formal' but thats what we are good at - THE personal touch

[The Juggler]

Hi everyone,

Just bit the bullet: called and apologised to the Dad for any and all misunderstandings. Said I hadn't been able to phone before for fear of blubbing and he said there would probably have been some tears their end too. Bless. All sorted now though: we've settled on £3.40 an hour to keep things simple, a much later 'cleared in my account' date so late fees shouldn't ever apply and X will be back on Thursday :clapping:

Thank you all so much for your comments and honesty. Not necessarily what I wanted to hear, but I couldn't see the wood for the trees and I think without you all and this forum I'd still be confused and upset.
I think you're right. I think they just reacted to the formality of the fees policy and then I took their formal reaction too personally. Should have picked up the phone there and then to see what the problem was, before the tears got a hold. What a numpty: I just wasted a whole weekend by being over sensitive. ...not to mention most of a tube of mascara :rolleyes:

And thanks for the hugs ...really needed those :D.

Best wishes,
Wendy

you're not the only one of us who would've reacted like this hon, I'm sure I would. That's why I love the forum to offer the perspective and advice we need. sooooo glad it all worked out.xxxx

[Pipsqueak]

.not to mention most of a tube of mascara :rolleyes:


Best wishes,
Wendy



WATERPROOF MASCARA chick :);)

[catswhiskers]

Hi,

I wouldn't feel comfortable if my bits and pieces came back more or less re-written so I think you are right to feel down.

Sounds like the husband has taken offence and taken over!

I would just send them another copy of your original and take it from there. Otherwise you will never feel comfortable working with this family.

[mamasheshe]

i think you've done the right thing sounds like crossed wires all round xxx

[curlycathy]

Pleased its all sorted out and well done to you for staying professional. Hope its all behind you now and you can all move on xxx

[Mouse]

Well done for phoning them Wendy. It can't have been easy, but it sounds as if you've managed to get it all sorted and your business relationship back on track.
Good for you :thumbsup:

[Chatterbox Childcare]

This is all one misunderstanding.

You have issued the updated Fees Policy and they took it as it was written for them and then took offence

If this had happened on a weeknight it all would have been sorted

Sit back and reassess. Meet with the parents and I am sure it will all be worked out

[Newbie1!]

Think I may have a slightly different opinion to the others on this one - I can totally understand how you got upset after that - I would have - the blue wording seems very firm and demanding, and also like a dictatorship - you are self-employed not employed by them and I think they should have gone about this differently. That being said, I do think it has obviously come from a misunderstanding in the first place. Maybe a meeting is in order - see how that goes and if you arent comfortable/happy afterwards then Id give notice - it may not be fair on the lo's if you and parents cant get on/they pick up on tension. Whatever you decide I hope your feeling a bit better BIG KISS N HUG xxxxxx

[Newbie1!]

Hi everyone,

Just bit the bullet: called and apologised to the Dad for any and all misunderstandings. Said I hadn't been able to phone before for fear of blubbing and he said there would probably have been some tears their end too. Bless. All sorted now though: we've settled on £3.40 an hour to keep things simple, a much later 'cleared in my account' date so late fees shouldn't ever apply and X will be back on Thursday :clapping:

Thank you all so much for your comments and honesty. Not necessarily what I wanted to hear, but I couldn't see the wood for the trees and I think without you all and this forum I'd still be confused and upset.
I think you're right. I think they just reacted to the formality of the fees policy and then I took their formal reaction too personally. Should have picked up the phone there and then to see what the problem was, before the tears got a hold. What a numpty: I just wasted a whole weekend by being over sensitive. ...not to mention most of a tube of mascara :rolleyes:

And thanks for the hugs ...really needed those :D.

Best wishes,
Wendy

Hadnt spotted this bit before I posted but think your really brave - parents can be very intimidating to say the least - well done you and have a little tipple this evening to celebrate!!!xxx

[Bitsy Beans]

Glad it's all worked out OK.
Don't feel bad about getting upset, it's a sign that you care and at the end of the day you're only human x

[Bridey]

Well done for getting all this sorted and I'm glad the situation is much happier all round. I do try and keep communication verbal to then be confirmed in writing as this often prevents misunderstanding or misinterpretation of the written word.