View Full Version : Oh my...what an afternoon!

Helen Dempster
06-01-2011, 06:45 PM
Hello everyone. Well, my head is still spinning over this and need a little advice (or if anyone can answer this question - why is it that I always seem to get the children with behavioural problems???)

I look after a 5yo boy who used to be very challenging. However, with a lot of patience and consistency and all working together, he is now lovely (not an angel by any means but sooooo much better than he was!) NOW I've started minding another boy, he's 4...and I feel he's a different story completely! Today I had to phone his mum to come and fetch him as I was truly worried for the other children in my care - and rightly so, as after I had done this he smashed a door into one of their faces, shouted in the ear of another and SPAT at same boy!!!! He's like a wild child and there's just no talking to him - he puts his hands over his ears and SCREAMS. He repeats everything people say - so if another 2 kids are having a conversation, he stands there and copies word for word what they say which really annoys them. He throws himself on the floor, jumps on furniture, won't listen. I had to physically restrain him today (not hard) while he screamed. I didn't even raise my voice, just kept asking him why he was screaming. When his mum collected him, he promptly KICKED her :eek: I told him off and he stopped. Feel so sorry for her, as she's on her own (though it sounds like the dad is supportive). I felt really awful for phoning her, but I had to think of the other children. If it had just been him here then I probably wouldn't have done. My SIL said it sounds like he's got autism, his mum said she thinks his bipolar...I think there's definitely some underlying 'problem', there's got to be - surely it's not just being naughty?? He lies too - one example was he came and told me my DS had punched him really hard. I knew he was lieing...and how did I know? Because my son was standing right next to me at the time and this mindee was in a separate part of the room :(

Any advice from anyone out there would be greatly received....why me? I'm going to get all my behaioural books etc out tonight, do some research on Google etc to see if I can come up with any ideas. I am also going to arrange a meeting with both parents, without the mindee, so we can discuss a way forward.

Now I'm going to have a couple of Nurofen...and later maybe even a glass of wine - after today, I've deserved it believe me!

06-01-2011, 07:05 PM
You are obviously a very kind and conscientious childminder and whilst I admire you for being prepared to tackle this problem and wish you good luck in doing so, just please promise yourself if it becomes too much to handle or if it puts any of your family or other minded children in danger that you will walk away from the situation without beating yourself up or feeling that you have failed in any way.

06-01-2011, 07:14 PM
Poor you! I hope you enjoy your glass of wine! :D

The copying of what people are saying sounds like autistic spectrum (I think it is called echo-lalia, or something), but I am not sure about the rest of the behaviour. I think a meeting with the parents would be a good idea. Mum sounds like she needs the support. Is he at school? Do they have problems aswell?

I do feel for you. I look after a 6 yr old who is 'challenging' :blush: I suspect he is autistic, although no-one has said that he is. He is getting a statement, & has one-to-one help at school. A teacher at school today was clearly getting agitated with him, as she shouted at him while I was picking him up. She is not his normal teacher, although I do know her. She was saying to me things like 'I don't know how you do it' & 'I wouldn't for any amount of money' and this wasn't said quietly :eek: Very unprofessional as he obviously has problems!!

His mum is really struggling with him at the moment, and it is not lack of discipline/control/boundaries, it's just him. He is a sweetheart really - especially on his own! (If you can take the repetition and 'groundhog day' routines!:laughing: )

Good luck. I hope you can sort things out :)

06-01-2011, 07:15 PM
While I, like you, do not want to 'give up' on any child I would strongly suggest you consider your safety and that of other children in the house before having the little boy back again.

If he slammed a door on a little one's hand the ramifications wouldn't bear thinking about.

Hugs xx

06-01-2011, 08:22 PM
hmm as the others have said if it gets too much then give notice but if you are prepared to give it a go then go for it,,, when talking with the parents you need to come up with a behaviour managment plan that will work for both of you,,find out how he is delt with at home when he's like this, it could be that if he does have undiagnosed autisum he finds the sudden change of comming to you very difficult,, he will take time to get used to your rules and routine and he may find having the other children around difficult to deal with,, he may need a place to go that he can have his own quiet time without the others annoying him,,,, when he has been naughty and you told him off and he screams it may be you need to let him calm down and then talk to him afterwards.
my son has undiagnosed issues,, they know there is a problem but cant decide what:rolleyes: but when he has a temper tantrum you cant talk to him I have to leave him to calm himself down then we talk after about it,,, this is difficult somtimes as when we are out like at the park in the summer and he has a tantrum he takes himself off to a bench to calm down but to anyone else it looks like i have just let him get away with his behaviour,,
as for the behaviour like slamming doors etc you may need to take time to get to know him and know what is triggers are,, with my son I can tell when he is about to blow and either distract or remove him physicaly, this is somthing else you can ask mum about .
good luck with him and keep us posted but as others have said if it gets too much or the others saftey is definatly at risk then sadly you will need to give notice but this isnt failing as you have to think of the others in your care

06-01-2011, 08:25 PM
it really sounds like he has autism, i have had first hand experience , the behaviour and coping others, have mum been to doctors about him , i expect she is going through so much with him, its a very confusing time for her, i would suggest maybe going on the autistic society website.
does he attend main stream school because teachers may have called in support.

Helen Dempster
06-01-2011, 09:03 PM
Thanks for the replies, guys. Yes, he's in school - he started full time last October, but had been at a nursery prior to that. I had to physically remove him from the others today and I sat with him on my lap on the sofa, with him kicking and screaming. I closed the 2 doors leading into that room and when I thought he'd settled down sufficiently, I left him go. He stood at the door saying "I want to go out". I told him I wasn't stopping him, and he could open the door and go out. He was constantly opening the door saying "I want to go out" and then closing it again. He didn't mean out out either, just out of the room. I don't want to give up on him, but if anyone gets hurt or I think they or even myself are at risk, then I would have no problem saying "enough is enough" and giving notice.

His school teacher used to take me to one side and talk about his behaviour, but that's not happened for a long time, so I'm assuming he's fine at school.

Another mindee did a massive poo in his trousers at school yesterday - it even ended up in his SHOES! This is the kind of week I've had! ha ha (got to laugh or I'll go insane).

06-01-2011, 09:14 PM
Wow - sorry I don't have any constructive advice just wanted to say you sound like you are doing all the best things and you shouldn't beat yourself up about whether you are doing enough. A meeting with the parents is definately the right thing to do and then if you need to give notice if it is still too much then do it feeling good about yourself that you did everything you could. As others said above you have got a duty of care to the other children and you need to make sure they feel safe in your care as well, and that you have the time to spend with them.

Hope it gets resolved / easier for you soon.